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helping my little heal after abusive past


sephiroth

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Hello
I think I have had caring and dominant side in all of my relationship.  However, At Monday I am going to try the very first one to be under DD/LG officially 
I know I should be calm as dominant t but I can’t help being a little nervous

 

Me and princess met at friends place, and got a lot in common

We like each other as a person a lot.

I care for her more than just care giver bdsm way.

 

This amazing little has a very strong little side.

However she don’t let this side get out very often
when I tried to gently asked about it, she told me the truth

Last time she trusted someone and showed him her little side

He turned out to be an abusive bastard

It took her years to get over it and I will be the first time she will really show this side to anyone

I really want it to be a good experience.
I asked her to choose a safe word even just for the play time

If you ever had a great little which was hurt by an abusive person and have some advice how to help and care for her I would gladly listen to your advice

I just want her to feel safe, happy, and accept this lovely part in herself

 

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Abuse is something for some people they will never get past (and there is nothing wrong with them for that). Having a safe word is a good idea for sure. For me I had a safe word for playtime , and then outside of playtime if things were getting too much for me I could ask for a "time out" and whatever was going on, a talk or argument (mainly it was if I misunderstood something and thought it was mean ) it would stop so I could calm down and ask what was going on.

 

You should ask about hard stops (what she will not be okay with and things that could possibly trigger her ). Also ask about things that will hopefully help snap her out of a depression, such as her favorite stuffie, snacks, ect. Find out if she gets scared of people touching her or it makes her more comfortable (like back rubs, head pats and other non sexual touch ).

I guess just take things slow and be patient with her and ask about things if you are unsure and simple do your best. not sure if this is helpful or not but I tried.

 

I wish you and your little luck and happiness

Edited by Arya
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Abuse is something for some people they will never get past (and there is nothing wrong with them for that). Having a safe word is a good idea for sure. For me I had a safe word for playtime , and then outside of playtime if things were getting too much for me I could ask for a "time out" and whatever was going on, a talk or argument (mainly it was if I misunderstood something and thought it was mean ) it would stop so I could calm down and ask what was going on.

 

You should ask about hard stops (what she will not be okay with and things that could possibly trigger her ). Also ask about things that will hopefully help snap her out of a depression, such as her favorite stuffie, snacks, ect. Find out if she gets scared of people touching her or it makes her more comfortable (like back rubs, head pats and other non sexual touch ).

I guess just take things slow and be patient with her and ask about things if you are unsure and simple do your best. not sure if this is helpful or not but I tried.

 

I wish you and your little luck and happiness

first of all it did help a lot

 

so thank you so much, we will now use the safe word both on and after play time.

she feel safer now.

 

we did talk about the hard point but i didn't think much about the snap out point

 

she been hiding her little so she don't really have stuffie( i bought her one thought and hope to give him to her)

so i asked her what her favorite blanket is :) 

i also know that geek subject such as larps and role play make her less depressed if she is in a bad mode

 

she like hugs and cuddle it take her time to be okay with touch but we are at a stage that she feel comfortable 

it actually one of the things that she really want us to do. cuddle with a nice blanket

 

thank you for the well wish since kitten had so much pain i just want her to be happy 

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Guest OverDaddy'sKnee

Arya is right in stating that abuse is something that some people will never get past. I've had a number of people in my life who have been through abusive experiences with partners. I think a major factor in helping someone to recover from traumatic situations is simply being there for the person (showing kindness, understanding, sensitivity, support). You definitely seem to be going about things the right way, and based on what you wrote, she seems to trust you with her little side, which is really a special thing. With that said, I wish you two the very best. :)

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I can't speak from physical abusive relationships but I have had many relationships where I was emotionally and mentally abused as well as being cheated on. Those experiences as others have stated, are not something one can simple move on from. I know that i will never learn to fully trust and open up to anyone unless I believe I have a stable and possible future with them because of what has been done to me in the past. But there is a time where she will have to come to terms with what happened and you should be there for your little to let her know that her past does not have to define her future. I am not ashamed of my past and have come to terms with the crappy things life has to offer, but only because of the wonderful people I have in my life. All I can really ask you to do for her is let her know that she is safe, loved, and protected always. If you do have a rough day, please do not take it out on your little, just simply tell her you have had a very rough day and need some quiet/relaxation time, I am sure she will understand and offer any kind of comfort she can give. Though DO NOT tell her you don't want to deal with her right now or act like she is the cause. I hope I could offer any assistance though I doubt I did hehe I am quite the idiot sometimes. All I am going to say is communication and being able to realize her signals for when she is upset is KEY.
I do sincerely wish you two the best of luck. And I am always here if you need anymore advice.

sincerely,

         DWK

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Arya is right in stating that abuse is something that some people will never get past. I've had a number of people in my life who have been through abusive experiences with partners. I think a major factor in helping someone to recover from traumatic situations is simply being there for the person (showing kindness, understanding, sensitivity, support). You definitely seem to be going about things the right way, and based on what you wrote, she seems to trust you with her little side, which is really a special thing. With that said, I wish you two the very best. :)

thank you, her trust is so special to me, she is a shy princess and does not trust easily.

i just try my best to be worthy 

 

I can't speak from physical abusive relationships but I have had many relationships where I was emotionally and mentally abused as well as being cheated on. Those experiences as others have stated, are not something one can simple move on from. I know that i will never learn to fully trust and open up to anyone unless I believe I have a stable and possible future with them because of what has been done to me in the past. But there is a time where she will have to come to terms with what happened and you should be there for your little to let her know that her past does not have to define her future. I am not ashamed of my past and have come to terms with the crappy things life has to offer, but only because of the wonderful people I have in my life. All I can really ask you to do for her is let her know that she is safe, loved, and protected always. If you do have a rough day, please do not take it out on your little, just simply tell her you have had a very rough day and need some quiet/relaxation time, I am sure she will understand and offer any kind of comfort she can give. Though DO NOT tell her you don't want to deal with her right now or act like she is the cause. I hope I could offer any assistance though I doubt I did hehe I am quite the idiot sometimes. All I am going to say is communication and being able to realize her signals for when she is upset is KEY.

I do sincerely wish you two the best of luck. And I am always here if you need anymore advice.

sincerely,

         DWK

 

first of all Dwk you seem such a good person, and i am sad to hear that you had to go through such rough times. I am happy that you found a daddy who make you feel safe and loved.

seeing her will make my day so much better even on a bad ones, I cant really imagine blaming her or taking stuff on her for me it a basic ssc

realize her signals for when she is upset- this is really good advice .

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As a little who has had more experience with abuse and neglect than I care to admit... I can tell you that the most important thing (to me and to most people in my support groups, etc) is to never ever ever give up on her.

 

For my new husband, I used the stray dog metaphor. I asked him to have patience with me. Because despite knowing that I was "adopted now, into a nice home... there would still be many times I would snap at him, or attack for apparently 'no reason." This is something probably 90% of us go through after a traumatic experience or relationship. We tend to get extremely (rightfully) scared & defensive. Perhaps this is why she isn't showing much of her little to you just yet. It sounds to me like she wholeheartedly believes that if she does truly let go and be herself, something awful will happen. You will not love her, you could hurt her, you might leave... We get stuck, sadly, in this mindset and sometimes try extremely hard to MAKE those things happen. I know that can be hard to understand. But look at it this way. If I scare you away now, BEFORE I have really let go of control or opened up all the way - in my mind it will hurt 75% less when you choose to become angry or mean, or leave.

 

So my advice to you would be... Love her RELENTLESSLY. If she gives you a hard time or starts to fight with you, don't stoop to her defensive level. Its only survival instict - and she is probably subconsciously testing you. Don't fight back. That will only hurt her more!! Stick to your rules and punishments without fail. Give her clear cut expectations and follow-through that is unwavering so she can start to trust in every outcome. But do it cooly, calmly, and kindly. Remind her constantly how much you care for her. If she starts getting bratty, talk to her in a caring 'baby' voice until she smiles. Don't lose patience.

 

Much like that stray dog... She just needs time. Consistency, kindness, and time. The more you show her you are what you say you are - in the face of any argument or obstacle or anything she can throw at you - the more her trust will grow. <3

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littlebird14

thank you  so much, I have no doubt that she is quite scared that something awful will happen, and even thought she is showing me quite little of her little side ,it is still the most she has shown.
I have no doubt that this is meaningful and I feel lucky.

 I am going to meet her again tomorrow. right now she a bit depress and she don't want to see anybody but she wants to see me, so I hope I can make her day better.

 we start with baby steps she didn't feel comfortable going  home so I took her outside  bought her a tiara so she will remember she is a princess . toke her to nice restaurant listen to all she had to say and gave her a stuffie

I have the time , I just hope that she will keep open up to me 
we might go to her place tomorrow to build a huge pillow fort we have been planning on :)

even if we wont , I just happy to see my stray kitten

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I love the idea of a safe word (might have to borrow that idea) it's not something you get over I agree with the users above. It will take time and a lot of cummuniaction. Do your best to help her feel safe talk and learn what can trigger her.(she may not know all her triggers so it may change over time) as someone who's dealt with something similar baby steps go along way. Just be you and let her be her and keep and open line of communication open that's the best I can offer at this time.
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Chaos, I am sure it takes time and I am sure you're not just getting over.
we talked
 very honestly about both our past and i will try to stay aleret and see if there are triggers she do not know

we take everything very slowly.
when she is really sad I let her cry alot and just cuddle her and tell her it okay to cry and that she is brave.

 

lately we started our first rule 
which is "not to go to her crazy ex profile" it stopped her obsession over this manipulative man. 
it been three days and she told me she feel free from his hook, safe and that she is surprise the rule worked so great
also I talk with her every day making sure she drink enough, if not reminded she somtiems barley drinks

 

 

I feel so thankful for all who share their advice here, I am sure it highlight something that i did not think of and I hope it also helps others
she is precious and gone through even more than I thought. I just want her to feel happy, cuddled and safe.

 

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As everyone else has pointed out, littles like  these need a lot of love and understanding. Many don't get over their past abuse and wont. This means you have to be extra careful and loving towards them, to show them you care about them. The suggestion of having a safe word is very important an maybe drawing out those boundaries. End the it i think it'll be worth it. She's very luck to have a kind and loving daddy like yourself :D

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  • 2 weeks later...

 

Chaos, I am sure it takes time and I am sure you're not just getting over.

we talked very honestly about both our past and i will try to stay aleret and see if there are triggers she do not know

we take everything very slowly.

when she is really sad I let her cry alot and just cuddle her and tell her it okay to cry and that she is brave.

 

lately we started our first rule

which is "not to go to her crazy ex profile" it stopped her obsession over this manipulative man.

it been three days and she told me she feel free from his hook, safe and that she is surprise the rule worked so great

also I talk with her every day making sure she drink enough, if not reminded she somtiems barley drinks

I feel so thankful for all who share their advice here, I am sure it highlight something that i did not think of and I hope it also helps others

she is precious and gone through even more than I thought. I just want her to feel happy, cuddled and safe.

I'm so happy things are working out for you both!! Your right it's not something that happens right away but I'm glad you guys are taking the first steps!! ❤
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Guest LittleLexiKitty

Just give her time and be very gental with her little, her little side is probably very scared of everyone and needs to be shown that its okay to come out and that if she does come out its a safe area to be with.

after time of showing this as well as talking to her shell eventually after alot of love and paticence will show you her little

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As a little who has also been abused in the past, my best advice to give you is this: let princess play around you first without you being in the activities. I know this sounds harsh and closed off, but when I get to play by myself while daddy is watching me, I feel safe, secure, and protected. It is as most real parents do for their children, just being there and watching them play. This does not mean ignoring your princess. Talking with her and verbally engaging in play is fine, but keeping physical distance while she is in little mode may help her to feel more trusting of you and accepted by you. For a few weeks, I would suggest this, allowing her to play freely, but not actually physically playing with her. It might not be the solution for your little, but it sure did help me bond with my daddy.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I have been abused before, so coming from my perspective I think the best way to comfort her is more through action than words. It is definitely going to be a gentle process, especially if your little has been in a physically abusive relationship, but sometimes just words aren't good enough because your verbal intentions might not match up with what is going on in your little's head - which is a problem I suffer with sometimes when I'm weary of my daddy. 

 

  Do some activities where she is more "in charge" so she can gain more trust in you and that you're not trying to smother her in dominance. If she trusts you then she will allow you to get closer. Take that advantage and really let her know how much you are there for her and are going to protect her. And if this takes a while, don't lose hope! Because she is your little, and she wants you to be her daddy despite her inner struggles and she trusts you with that part of herself deep down.

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After going through a similar experience, I sent this article to my Daddy and it really helped him understand how to deal with me. Just have patience and don't rush anything or push too hard :)

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