Daddy and depression

[Guest gone]

Are there daddies participating here who manage depression in their own lives?

 

If yes, I would appreciate learning from your experience.

 

I'm concerned that the fatigue of depression has the potential to make me insensitive to babygirl needs. Especially that my own exhaustion might cause me to miss the signals of her transitioning to little space. Which would be upsetting to her and bad for us both.

 

I don't mean all the time. But, you know. You have downs and ups, where much of the time you're doing fine, but other times you struggle to put one foot in front of the other, or lift the fork from plate to mouth.

 

I want to be a good daddy. I'm wondering if it's not a lifestyle I should commit to.

 

Which would be sad, for me, because the love and rewards of a happy relationship are of course among the best medicines possible for depression.

 

Thoughts?

[Little_wolf114]

Hi, I'm not a Daddy, but I can help because me and my Daddy suffers with major depression. I think you have to try. I know that you have bad days and such because I have had them. In order to know if she is in little space ask her. I know it might sound weird and such but it might be the best. If this is a lifestyle you want to lead you have to not only see but feel it. You might feel bad because you don't notice but she might feel bad because she might not know how to help. If you ever get in the head space of a deep sadness like that ask her to color or go and watch tv. It might be best that you have some alone time to yourself. I hope this helps

[switchlittleloves]

sjtalldaddy, I think that above all you and your little need to understand each other. Your little should be able to help you emotionally just like you help them. A lot of relationships, kink or not, are effected by one or both participants having depression. When you're feeling down, you should be able to express that (in a positive way) and be cared for. Daddy's hearts aren't made of steel, and your little should understand that. Either way, you can't allow depression to keep you from doing things you like! You have to fight it. I know that some days you won't win, but the point is to not let it consume you and the things you love. Especially not your relationship with your babygirl! Let her know when you're feeling this way, and come up with ways to help her pull you out of it. Surround yourself with your favorite things, and if nothing else helps, let yourself recharge emotionally. I have depression too, and it always helps me to just focus my thoughts on something. Just a normal conversation, a game, or a forum can save lives and relationships.

[DaddyDoRightt]

I've been clinically diagnosed with depersonalization which has had me been in interviews constantly about my moods. Having a little which you feel you love makes all issues you feel, just disappear, it's amazing how you care for someone who needs and wants you, and how much they can do for you, without doing anything. Don't be too worried about if you feel like shit when you're with her/him. Don't hide emotions, be open about them, you'd be surprised how much she'd jump to caring you and trying to make you smile.

[Guest Kali]

Although the Cg is generally the dominant in a relationship, that doesn't mean the little has to be an attention craving sociopath. Of course, if Daddy is feeling the black dog then his little should pick up on this, and apply a little care in return. Ddlg like any dynamic shouldn't be applied in a dogmatic way, as this is simply inflexible. Little's are adults, and as such should have the initiative and compassion to help make the darker days/weeks/months more bearable for Daddy... it is a partnership after all.

 

This situation is truly the crucible of what being a little means. A little should really still be able to be little whether or not Daddy is well or not. I suffer from bipolar and sometimes just being with my little, knowing she is enjoying her crafts and such and being cute around me is all I could hope for.

[Hergooddaddy2016]

Hi I'm a daddy with manic depression and have difficulty in treating my little with the love and care she deserves.She understands and makes sure I take my meds but I still feel I have my moments where as a daddy I let her down.

 

I try my best not to let my disorder but it's difficult to manage some days. My little introduced me to this type of lifestyle and I really want to do the best to be the best daddy she wants me to be.

[littlesmiss]

I'm a Cg and my little and I both have issues like this, she has depression and anxiety disorders, and I have PTSD, depression, and anxiety as well. On my bad days I usually try to be more loving--and generally it's unintentional, I'll ask if we can talk about nice things and if we can cuddle when I come over. My little is very good at knowing when I need her help and she generally will play with my hair and let me put my head on her chest. We get to see each other usually once a week (on average) and there was one time where we were hanging out and something just kept bothering me and making me too sad to really do anything. Just before I had to go she pulled me into a hug because she knew I didn't want to leave. I usually don't cry around her or anyone in general, but I almost did (I started shaking and my breathing became uneven) and she wouldn't let me leave until she was sure that I was okay.

 

I like what was mentioned earlier, that just because you're the caregiver, it doesn't mean you always have to be the one in charge. Sometimes you've gotta tell your little that you're having a hard time, because it's hard to take care of your little when you need help. And your little should understand too, they want you to be healthy and happy, and probably will do most things to help you feel better. It's all about communication and being able to articulate what you need to say. 

[greg1965x]

@Guest_gone_* Great thread, thanks.

 

I had some severe struggles with depression while digging my way out of PTSD and some injuries. I've had the same concerns and it's been very inspirational in helping me find ways to control my own depression.

I'm doing significantly better and most of my issues were linear, meaning I could dig my way out and each success made it easier to get to the next success, which helped me to keep going.

At this point I have no advice to give other than hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other til you get through each depression. Asking good questions is a big deal.

Hang in there,

Greg

[GuyWhoLovesTheSun]

Hey there, Ive found that being in such a relationship will help with depression, but in those times that you just cant help yourself you can kinda drift a bit and either your little will help you through the tough time or your depression will go its course and youll get through it. In my experience, everything is easier with having someone who youre protecting and overall have a responcibility to, having purpose is the cure to so many things which is why this dynamic is so much more precious than a regular relationship.

[TheRatQueen]

I'm a little with a Daddy who has PTSD and depression. I hope I'm not intruding too much.

 

When my Daddy is in a bad place, I step away from my role as a little. Yes, we have this dynamic, but we're still partners. When he can't get out of bed, it's my job to soothe him. I tuck him in, I make him food, and I hold him. He's allowed moments of weakness and emotion, because he is a feeling, thinking person. Being little is not an excuse to get unlimited attention and to never take care of your partner. Just because you're dominant/a caregiver/whatever doesn't mean you exist outside the reality of mental illness and basic human need.

[Guest Fros†beard]

I've been dealing with depression for at least sixteen years. Normally I'm feeling kinda meh and sometimes I'll spend months in almost complete isolation. I can't deal with being happy, because I'm so used to feeling like crap in a blender - it's familiar and safe and comfortable. I have trouble sleeping as well, which really doesn't help.

Now, that probably sounds awful, but I find it's actually somewhat beneficial in a ddlg relationship, as it can cause you to become more empathetic and it can help you deal with subdrop, among other things. Not to mention I've been feeling just great ever since I met my little. Yeah, I know I'll be in yet another slump sooner or later, but Princess is kind and empathetic and caring. And to be perfectly honest, I find the dynamic extremely therapeutic. Makes me set my own issues aside and focus on the well-being of my little. It makes me strong, it makes me stand tall.

Do I worry? Sometimes, sure. But I believe in us.

Edited March 13, 2017 by Frostbeard

[Guest BabyGlitterMilk]

I can't speak for anyone but myself, but as a switch with depression, it often makes it hard on me to be sensitive to another's needs.

 

When I'm little and depressed, it either kicks me from littlespace or makes me push away my Big. And when I'm Big and depressed, it makes me cranky and desensitized to the ones I care about. It's definitely something I should work on, and even though I don't rely on medication or therapy, recognizing the signs and warning those I care for can help buffet any damage I may dish out. The guilt is there, and I know that some of the things I say when in those moods can really hurt others, the best thing I can do for myself and my loved ones is just to distance myself until the mood passes. Or somebody hugs me so tight that I start crying and the wall comes down in a big, blubbery mess. c':

 

As much as distancing helps, it's not a long term solution. Knowing the one you care for cares just as much about you can really help keep those negative feelings at bay. 

[Guest BeMyBaby]

I registered just to post in this thread.

 

One of the things I've realized over the years is that I can't get better by relying on other people. It is absolutely possible to be the very best person you can be and have it all happen within. I could argue that it's not possible to get better when you allow someone else to have responsibility for your mental health. 

 

I know what it feels like to find comfort in the pervasive sadness that lingers at every turn. I spent years of my life afraid to give it up, because it gave me cover for the things in my life I wasn't brave enough to change. It was only very recently that I began taking my therapy very seriously and it was a matter of two months before it started to finally get traction. Once I saw a measurable improvement it was so easy to keep that momentum. 

 

I am not "cured" of this. But it hasn't defined me for the last six weeks of my life like it had for the previous twenty years. My depression has injured and destroyed very significant relationships for me and it made me ineffective as a partner. The most terrible thing about it in my case was that it made it so *easy* to be a Daddy — I would burrow into the hearts of people so easily and it was not for the reasons I thought it was. I was creating an imbalance to make myself into the person I wanted to be without actually being that person on my own. It was not kind. 

 

The woman that showed me I was her Daddy is long gone and subsequent relationships where there was some degree of this dynamic in it were fine but never really felt correct to me. It was only very recently after I really did some heavy lifting and making these big jumps in my therapy that out of nowhere my new partner arrived. For reasons too numerous and personal, it all felt like kismet. It still feels like an impossible miracle every single day. I am more self directed now, and my moods are less volatile. I can finally for the first time in decades feel secure and loved and I'm the happiest I've ever been. 

 

The therapy that has been so effective for me after years of talk and cognitive behavioral therapy is called Internal Family Systems. IFS is especially relevant to those of us in DD/lg or D/s relationships in general because it completely embraces the concept of multiple facets of your personality being part of the composite of your self. They use terminology like "parts" to express these sub-personalities and honestly it all made a ton of sense to me when I first got started with my new therapist. I was wary at first but that all vanished when I saw it was giving me the best results I've ever gotten.

[CowetaDaddy]

I see a lot of great post here, but I will add my opinion to try and help.

 

I have been diagnosed with dysthymia, long term persistent depression, and have fought depression my entire life. My first memory from my childhood, around two years old, is of depressive behavior. I did not really recognize and do anything about it till I was in my early 30s, I am now 37, so I have had to learn and do a lot to keep myself afloat in a short amount of time. This does not get any easier for me as I get older.

 

Any relationship is a two way street. You give some things and you get some things. If you would like some emotional support in your relationship, be up front about it. Do not rely on anyone for it, but tell your partner in whatever relationship develops that you will occasionally need a reminder that they are there for you because you are there for them. They should be able to step out of their role a bit to talk to you, let you vent, let you cry if need be. It is hard being the CG and being vulnerable like that, but believe it or not it does make you stronger to be able to recognize you need that time to process those emotions and thoughts. Having a full on breakdown as a CG helps no one, especially not a little or submissive who is in little/submissive headspace.

 

My suggestion would be therapy first. Learn how to recognize the symptoms in yourself, when you have a bad episode coming on, and what works best to get you out of it. Once you have a handle on that, carry that information with you into your next relationship. Does this person seem like they would be able to support me when I need it? Can I keep myself motivated to manage my depression for this person? Does this person have qualities that will make managing my depression harder? Two strong depressives can feed off each other and drag each other down. Do not be afraid to come out and say that you just do not think that a relationship will work because of the emotional incompatibility between you and someone else.

 

It is amazing that you recognize this as something to contend with, but do not let it be a stopping point. Go over it, around it, or through it, however you need to and come out a better CG on the other side.

[Guest BeMyBaby]

When finding a therapist it can be hard to find one that is non-pathologizing your D/s relationship. I've had little trouble finding therapists that were poly-friendly, most of them are willing to learn and not let it derail them if they don't have a strong opinion on it.

 

The risk you run in hierarchical poly is that your therapist may encourage you to close a relationship, which could cut you off from your CG or Little, and if they don't understand or appreciate the significance of that relationship because it's part of your diagnosis to them, you will not likely be successful. If you end up deciding this relationship is at odds with your mental health, you have an obligation (imo) to discuss this with people it impacts before you make any changes.