My Daddy has kids

[Babytink]

I'll start with, I love them to absolute pieces. Having them in my life has opened doors to my heart I didn't know existed. Each of the 3 kids, from his previous marriage, hold a very special light.

 

At first I struggled with the fact he has a daughter, it made me uncomfortable to be little and play sexually, as I watched them together I became more comfortable, and even go into little space with her and play. But he never treats me little when she's around, I'm expected to stay big, when they stay with us I play house and cook for them and care for them as their mom would.

 

They live with their mom, he regularly goes over to put them to bed when he gets off of work. I think this is important because as a kid I remember my dad putting me to bed, singing to me, reading a book till I fell asleep, and that's a huge bond to create. I love that he's a good father.

Recently I feel like he's so spread out, works long hours, has a family, then has me. I wouldn't say I get jealous, I just get so needy. I hate coming home to an empty house, and he leaves me alone (which I try to spend as little time possible by myself due to major depression and suicidal thoughts as well as tendencies,) all night because he falls asleep in his son's bed. The longer and later at night that he's away I get more needy and small (not in the happy usual way.) When he comes home he "deals" with me. I try to be happy that he's home now, but I can't help but be in a very sensitive state, usually depressed, when he's coming home at 11 o'clock. I know he's exhausted. How can I work on not being needy for myself but being what he needs when he comes home?

[Guest ASerpent]

I think it's a bit strange, that he goes over to his ex-wife's place every day to put the kids to bed. When the kids are with you and your partner, does she also come to your place every night to put the kids to bed? I assume his ex-wife will always be around when he is at her place? How long does he frequently stay at her house? For me, this arrangement sounds quite strange.

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

I don't think this arrangement sounds strange at all... but I have a bit of a different marriage. See when Daddy and I got together he had a son. I've since adopted him but prior to that we had agreed if we ever split up he would still let me see him daily. At that point I always put him to bed and did baths. He's older now and doesn't really need help to take a shower but I still usually put him to bed. If the kids are use to having their dad put them to bed, they shouldn't have to suffer simply because their parents relationship doesn't work out.

 

I also wouldn't worry about the ex-wife. She's an ex for a reason. Yes plenty of people get back together but it sounds like your Daddy is more worried about his children than his ex-wife.

 

I do think you need to discuss your feelings with your partner though. He needs to know you're feeling a bit left out. Explain it isn't the kids, but you do need time just you two as well. There has to be a compromise you can come to.

 

As for helping yourself not be needy, try to pick up a hobby. If you're naturally a needy person (I'm guilty), it'll be super hard to stop yourself from being needy in this situation, but you can help your feelings of loneliness by picking up a hobby to occupy your mind. Maybe find somewhere to volunteer so you aren't alone but surrounded with people. If it's an option and you're interested, try a part time job. Really it's up to you, but you should for sure find something to occupy your mind.

[alotalittle]

I agree with Daddy's_Babygirl that the arrangement doesn't sound that strange. My parent's got a divorce, and my mom would've been so happy to have my dad come tuck us in or do anything extra with us (even if it was at her house). She extremely disliked my dad, but she wanted what was best for us and tried very hard to keep him in our lives as much as possible. I think it's fantastic that he wants to be such a good father to his kids. Being a good parent means a lot extra effort and it's clear that he's willing to go the distance.

 

From your post though, my main concern is your mention of your own mental illness and suicidal tendencies. Those are very serious things that have very little to do with your relationship (I'm assuming that you struggled with them before you met your partner? But feel free to correct me.). You talk about your neediness, but you also mention the depressed state it puts you in and that you feel like your partner has to "deal" with that. I mean absolutely no harm by this, but I think you may be struggling with your depression (and symptoms) more so than a lack of time with your partner (though I realize that makes things harder). Do you see a counselor/therapist? Or take medication? What sorts of things do you do to help cope with your mental illness? Finding healthy coping mechanisms is difficult--something I'm still working very hard on with myself. I really think the root of the problem is connected to your mental illness and how you feel about yourself.

 

Aside from all that, I think it would be perfectly acceptable--and something I would encourage you to do--to talk to your partner about the feelings that you're having and that finding a way to spend some extra time together would be a massive help to you. The time doesn't necessarily have to come out of the time he spends with his kids, it could come from any time of day/week that he might be able to make available. Maybe you spend more morning together sipping coffee and chatting. Maybe you pick a date night once a week and stick to it (even if it's just a stay at home date. Maybe you guys agree to go out to lunch together or he comes home for lunch. Maybe it's extra playdates with his kids at the park where you guys can spend time together in a more familial sense. It's important to make time for each other, and he may not be managing his time as well as he could or he may be excessively busy and needs to find a way to calm things down in his life. You also have to remember that if he's going to make more time for you, that you can't expect it to be tons and tons of time all the time just for you. It's about both of you making the effort to prioritize each other while balancing everything else. It's a tricky thing to do and we all fall off the bandwagon of balance sometimes.

[Babytink]

I agree with Daddy's_Babygirl that the arrangement doesn't sound that strange. My parent's got a divorce, and my mom would've been so happy to have my dad come tuck us in or do anything extra with us (even if it was at her house). She extremely disliked my dad, but she wanted what was best for us and tried very hard to keep him in our lives as much as possible. I think it's fantastic that he wants to be such a good father to his kids. Being a good parent means a lot extra effort and it's clear that he's willing to go the distance.

 

From your post though, my main concern is your mention of your own mental illness and suicidal tendencies. Those are very serious things that have very little to do with your relationship (I'm assuming that you struggled with them before you met your partner? But feel free to correct me.). You talk about your neediness, but you also mention the depressed state it puts you in and that you feel like your partner has to "deal" with that. I mean absolutely no harm by this, but I think you may be struggling with your depression (and symptoms) more so than a lack of time with your partner (though I realize that makes things harder). Do you see a counselor/therapist? Or take medication? What sorts of things do you do to help cope with your mental illness? Finding healthy coping mechanisms is difficult--something I'm still working very hard on with myself. I really think the root of the problem is connected to your mental illness and how you feel about yourself.

 

Aside from all that, I think it would be perfectly acceptable--and something I would encourage you to do--to talk to your partner about the feelings that you're having and that finding a way to spend some extra time together would be a massive help to you. The time doesn't necessarily have to come out of the time he spends with his kids, it could come from any time of day/week that he might be able to make available. Maybe you spend more morning together sipping coffee and chatting. Maybe you pick a date night once a week and stick to it (even if it's just a stay at home date. Maybe you guys agree to go out to lunch together or he comes home for lunch. Maybe it's extra playdates with his kids at the park where you guys can spend time together in a more familial sense. It's important to make time for each other, and he may not be managing his time as well as he could or he may be excessively busy and needs to find a way to calm things down in his life. You also have to remember that if he's going to make more time for you, that you can't expect it to be tons and tons of time all the time just for you. It's about both of you making the effort to prioritize each other while balancing everything else. It's a tricky thing to do and we all fall off the bandwagon of balance sometimes.

@daddy's_babygirl and alotalittle

The arrangement isn't odd for me in the sense he spends time at the house he's raised his kids in. Like I said I see the importance in it and support it fully. I personally never saw the damage of a divorce, so I don't know what it's like for those kids. I want them to grow in a loving home/homes.

My real issue is how late he stays. He usually stays until 11 o'clock, sometimes later. Their bedtime is 6:30. I know sometimes it's because he falls asleep in his child's bed while putting them down after a long day, but other times he stays and talks with their mom which I believe is healthy. We both work full time jobs with crazy schedules and so sometimes we're off around 4 other times not till 9. We never really have time together unless it's watching a quick show before we fall asleep.

We don't have play time anymore, no bath time, no real daddy/littlegirl time at all. I've made a list of things to talk about (we haven't had time to communicate much) and the needs and wants of our relationship are on the list.

 

I take care of my mental illness as much as I can, therapy, medication and generally staying busy. I've struggled with mental illness from a young age, and when I lived alone I did have hobbies, I read and painted quite a bit and was pretty social. The last year things and people don't interest me, and I find myself sinking into brain holes often. I've written a "self list" things I need to do for myself and have been implementing self care (mental, physical, and environmental) into my everyday. In a relationship I'm just so codependent, it's my personality flaw, but I'm looking for advice to help myself out of the total codependency I have.

 

I think the suggestion of play dates with the kids outside of the house is wonderful, thank you. Maybe it won't be so bad when the kids get a room at our place. Part of it is missing daddy, but I miss them too. Seeing everyone play together, and feeling love from tiny hands helps elevate my mood so much.

I also like the stay in dates!

 

Thank you for replying, I hope to see more in this discussion. Off to play house until Daddy comes home; a clean home is a happy one.

[Guest ASerpent]

>> My real issue is how late he stays. He usually stays until 11 o'clock, sometimes later. Their bedtime is 6:30. I know sometimes it's because he falls asleep in his child's bed while putting them down after a long day, but other times he stays and talks with their mom which I believe is healthy. <<

 

That's basically what I meant when I said, that this arrangement sounds weird to me. Why not just put the kids to bed and go home? Even when I plan on a generous amount of time for bedtime for three kids, he should be done by 7:30. I don't know how far you two and his ex-wife live apart, but he should be home quite soon then. I have kids myself and know what I'm talking about. You can read them a bedtime story, tuck them in and everything is fine. Plus - you don't necessarily have to fall asleep while bringing kids to bed you can just leave the room after tucking them in.

 

Maybe he could stay and talk to his ex-wife once a week about the kids concerns, but not every day.

 

That's just my opinion about that.

 

Do you want to tell how old the kids are? Or how old your Daddy is? Sometimes things make more sense then when you have a little background information.

Edited February 16, 2017 by ASerpent

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

I too think the children's ages would help. My daughter is two and there are many, many times I've fallen asleep in her room. I did when our boy was little too. Now he's 7, and I haven't fallen asleep in his room in years.

 

I think it sounds like you're distancing yourself from people/things to do as part of your mental health issues. Trust me, I get it. I very much do. I have social anxiety, just regular anxiety, and recently have begun feeling some depression as well. Sadly I think the only way to cope with this is to force yourself to do something that you use to enjoy every day. Trust me I know it's hard. I work full time, I'm married to my Daddy, we have two children, and I'm a little... most days I don't want to do anything at all by the time the kids go to bed. I think if you find something you'll gradually start to enjoy doing things on your own, and it will in turn help your dependence on your partner.

[Babytink]

Daddy is 33. His kids are 6, just turned 5, and 2. The 6 y/o is so good with bed time. The 2 y/o still sleeps with mom and also never really has an issue with bedtime even when they sleep on their own here. It's the 5 y/o who constantly wants to sleep in our bed when they are here with us, and always asks Daddy to lay down until they fall asleep.

I just can't help but agree with ASerpent, why does Daddy stay so late? I would understand 8/9 if the kiddos stayed up passed their bedtime, and we could also spend a decent amount of time together before we laid down for our bedtime. I've kinda tried to talk to him about it before, but he says I make him feel guilty for spending time with his kids. And that he can't have a "curfew."

[Sleepless]

Honestly, I think you're an angel for being able to put up with all of his stuff. A lot of folks wouldn't be able to do it, but you do it as if it's not even a chore. On that note, I think he may be taking advantage of your sweet side. From what you've said, he has absolutely no reason to be saying that you make him guilty for spending time with his children, you encourage it. It sounds like he's using but that line as an excuse to just do whatever he wants, without respecting your feelings and wants. The whole "he can't have a curfew" thing is what really bothers me the most. It's not like you're trying to give him a curfew, you're trying to get him home at a reasonable time of night so you can get some quality time with him. A relationship has to be give and take, but it seems like you're doing all the giving and he's just taking without giving anything back. It's great that he cares about his children so much, but he still needs to find the time to invest into your relationship. If he can't even find time for your relationship then doesn't that prove that he doesn't care about it? My mother worked two jobs, took care of all my siblings am doing I, and even travelled often due to work, but she still ALWAYS managed to make time for my father, no matter what. That's how a relationship is supposed to work.

[Babytink]

@giagia

I'm fairly new to the whole dynamic, but since I met him, before I even knew, he's always been my Daddy. He takes care of me as much as he can, makes sure I eat 1 full meal, gives me my medicine, and helps with simple things I need help with.

His kids are sweet and they show me lots of love (which continually surprises me.) I wouldn't wish that he wasn't a father, even though it's difficult at times.

 

I do feel like sometimes I am not a priority to him because he doesn't follow my wishes (really just the home at a reasonable time, and not as much phone time) but I also understand that I can't put a restriction on the time he spends at his kid's house. I feel so conflicted. I need him here, I need tlc for our relationship, but his kids need the bond.

His issue with the "curfew" thing is that I would ask if he was going to their house after work, then ask what time he would be home, he'd say a specific time, and if he wasn't on time I would worry/be upset and call to see if he was okay, if he was staying there, or if he was on his way home. I always tell him no rush or obligation, but the way my brain works, if you say a certain time and you're not here, I'm going to worry. "Is he hurt" "did he wreck" "is he coming home at all" "he doesn't want to come home" "is he mad" "he's with someone else" "what did I do" Those are all variations of things I think, and mostly in that order. I've told him that when he's not home I think like that, and he just says it's silly, "I fall asleep littlegirl, you can't keep worrying when I'm with my kids." I've stopped calling because it bugs him, but I'm not any less worrisome and I still have spiraling thoughts.

 

Thank you for trying to see my side. I'm not in anyway trying to incriminate my Peter. He's a good Daddy, he's just spread thin by being a father too.

[LittleGirlEmilia]

Reading this angered me, a lot. 

 

His kid's bedtime is 6:30 but he doesn't get back until 11?

What? 

 

I think he's taking advantage of you, there is no reason why he can't get back earlier and spend time with you. I'd feel the exact same way you feel, except I wouldn't tolerate it and would tell him where to go. I've had partners that have lured me in with kindness to begin with, then turn and take me granted. I have zero tolerance for this and I think you deserve FAR better. 

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

I may be way off base here... but I truthfully don't think your partner is trying to harm you.

I know it seems like I'm defending him a lot, and it's because I am. Aside from what time he gets home, has he ever given you any reason to believe he has any desire to be with his ex? Does he work, if so how demanding/stressful is his job? You said his son is hard to get to sleep... how hard? Does it take an hour? Two? He has to lay in there with him... if his son fights sleep for an hour, it's very, very easy to fall asleep in there with him. My husband and I have both done it with both of our children.

 

I think you need to set aside time, not right after he's put the kids to bed and talk. I don't think you're communicating effectively. I'm not saying this is all your fault. You need to tell him going in that this is not a judgemental conversation and you need him to not get defensive. Explain you need him more, but don't want to take away from his time with his children, either. Tell him this isn't a want, it's a need for your mental health. Does he understand your mental/emotional health? It doesn't sound like he does.

 

Ultimately, weather anything fishy or wrong is going on here or not you need to understand it may never change. Is that something you're prepared to deal with? Can you deal with this forever? Because if you can't, and after giving him ample time to change the getting home late he still isn't, you need to leave sooner rather than later. Children are involved and they didn't ask to be brought into you and your partners relationship, but they're a part of it now. And if the problem that's effecting you now is going to go on and ultimately result in the end of it, it's better for everyone involved if you guys call it quits sooner rather than later.

[cuppycakes]

I don't have much to add, as I think it was covered pretty well. I tend to agree with @Daddy's_Babygirl as I also like to see the best in people, but I also agree with the other users that spoke up. There's nothing wrong with being cautious and talking to him.

 

1. If he's falling asleep in his kid's room, couldn't he set a quiet alarm? Or even on vibrate? If the kid is a heavier sleeper than your husband, that could be a great solution to your problem!

2. You really need to tell him how you feel. Communication is so important. You wrote this:

"I do feel like sometimes I am not a priority to him because he doesn't follow my wishes (really just the home at a reasonable time, and not as much phone time) but I also understand that I can't put a restriction on the time he spends at his kid's house. I feel so conflicted. I need him here, I need tlc for our relationship, but his kids need the bond.

His issue with the "curfew" thing is that I would ask if he was going to their house after work, then ask what time he would be home, he'd say a specific time, and if he wasn't on time I would worry/be upset and call to see if he was okay, if he was staying there, or if he was on his way home. I always tell him no rush or obligation, but the way my brain works, if you say a certain time and you're not here, I'm going to worry. "Is he hurt" "did he wreck" "is he coming home at all" "he doesn't want to come home" "is he mad" "he's with someone else" "what did I do" Those are all variations of things I think, and mostly in that order. I've told him that when he's not home I think like that, and he just says it's silly, "I fall asleep littlegirl, you can't keep worrying when I'm with my kids." I've stopped calling because it bugs him, but I'm not any less worrisome and I still have spiraling thoughts."

*ahem*... TELL HIM THIS!!! Tell him all of this! Sit down with him and tell him! Then you guys can be together and work it out. Good luck c:

[Babytink]

I feel like this is derailing a little, and want to clear up that he's not a bad Daddy, he's not a bad guy. I don't believe he's trying to hurt me at all. I'm not weary of his ex because I understand they have a forever relationship because they have children together. He will have love for her forever too, as his children's mother. I understand that. I don't get upset because he spends time with the family he made before me.

 

I really appreciate Daddy's_babygirl and her input, thank you for defending him, but again I'm not trying to put him in a place where he needs to be defended. You're right about not communicating effectively. I "pussyfoot" around the subject because I am afraid for it to sound like I am demanding his time he spends with his kids, he's easy to get defensive about anything involving them and I don't know how to effectively get across that I know it's important for him to be there, I know he is tired, but I also know I am hurting. He is aware of my mental/emotional health, I'm not sure he understands, but I believe that you don't have to understand a person to support them.

We have talked about weather or not this is a long term relationship, we've decided it is, and that's when I was introduced to the kids. I love them, and they are very accepting of me. I want to be here forever. I want to care for them, I enjoy doing so. I've made a lot of decisions to better myself so I can continue to have them in my life. I know they didn't ask for me to be here, I'm prepared to make my exit if it would benefit them.

 

Again, I'm not putting Daddy down as a person, a father, or my significant other. Thank you for your constructive advice. I do appreciate the different views.

[Guest Isabelle]

Maybe suggest to him that he spends 4 days a week putting his children to bed and the other three nights let his ex-wife do it. He needs to show and be present in the family he's making with you (two is a family), if he is never around, how can you nurture your relationship with him? His family and lifestyle has to change to include you, not have you on the side. It's important for his kids to see that you matter and deserve time from him just as they deserve time from him. They need to learn to share people just as they share toys.

[Guest Princessaj]

Thanks for sharing and asking for our input.

 

"I don't know how to effectively get across that I know it's important for him to be there, I know he is tired, but I also know I am hurting. He is aware of my mental/emotional health, I'm not sure he understands, but I believe that you don't have to understand a person to support them."

 

I hate "Adulting" and  I don't want to be a hypocrite, but maybe you have to be more "Adult" in your request for quality time and attention?

Sometimes you have to handle a situation with that Adult persona to get both Adult and little results.

 

Think about saying....

 

"I am hurting. I know you are aware of my mental/emotional health, I'm not sure you understand. I believe that you don't have to understand my experience to support me."

 

When someone is in my life I talk about all the aspects of my care. It's part of me. It's part of their life with me. Think longterm about how to have a continual conversation with him, instead of "start - stop." Think fluid. 

 

Opinion: Men are about ACTIONS, not words. So don't talk to him, talk to him in ACTIONS. They are not great about what I call "Talking in the air." Make everything you want to have happen (ACTION), relate to physical tangible things.

 

Here are some ways to have a physical tangible ACTION plan....

 

-If you take medication...Tell him how your medication is making you feel at times. Have you ever sat him down when you take your pills and tell him, play by play, how you feel as the medication is being absorbed into your body? Times when you don't think it's working (because), times that it is (because) or times that you are not sure/feel (because). I have found that if this information is around him on a semi-continual basis, he will be/get immersed in it. It is part of you and he should be part of it too. You are sharing the ACTION of how you feel.

 

-Go to talk therapy together. If you go to your talk therapist, then he/she already has the history. You can look at this as couples therapy or "your" therapy in the couple. Talk to your therapist about this. If you are not in talk therapy, I suggest you look into it. This is also part of him making "appointments" to be with you about you and both of you. If he won't go (I hope I am wrong), put up a calendar in the kitchen with your appointments on it, so he is reminded that you are going to therapy. When you finish your session, on occasion send him a text or em telling how it went and maybe a little more, "We worked on my anxiety today and I have a new tool to try to feel better, it is...." Going to therapy, talking about going to therapy, talking about what happened in therapy...is an ACTION.

 

-Are you doing a mood chart? If so or if not (try one), put it on the refrigerator door so he can see it. He will have to look at it every time he goes in the frig, whether he wants to or not. Again, something tangible supporting you communicating with him. Putting something physical in his line of site is an ACTION.

 

-Make regular "activity" dates, ALL ABOUT ACTION. Tie this to your mental health wellness plan. My talk therapist/Psychiatrist is always talking about being physical and working out, moving something, eating for health....Get him involved in your efforts in this kind of active "caring."

For example: Explain to him that you both need to work on your nutrition and that means preparing a healthy meal together, go food shopping together, prep, cook, set the table and eat. One meal a week can do wonders. ACTION That you both need to get some fresh air. You go for a 30 minute walk and come back and tell him how great it made you feel and you want to plan 30 minute walking dates with him. ACTION.

 

-This may seem odd, but "Seeing is believing." When you are feeling DOWN, don't shower, don't put on make-up or perfume, don't brush your hair or teeth, wear sweats...you LOOK like you are down in front of him. ACTION. When you are UP, dress up in something he likes to see you in, wear your hair and make-up the way it appeals to him...this doesn't have to be sexy. If that happens, great for both of you. Sometimes they have to "see" it to "believe" it.

 

Last bit of wisdom....there is a big difference between understanding and being acknowledged/accepted. The more I want people to understand my situation, it happens less. The more I want people to acknowledge/accept me, it happens more. Tell him you want attention and love, but also want to be acknowledged/accepted. Now get him into ACTION!!!! Hugs