Sick and tired of newbies with no respect

[BlueEyedDaddy]

Is any other CG tired of meeting littles and subs who are only doing it to take advantage of the benefits?

How do you avoid selfish/fake littles and subs?  

[Barbiedolly]

And what benefits are these???

Take your timegetting to know them maybe??

And also a Caregiver is supposed to becaring and look after their little, that is a benefit, but that is your job as a caregiver though?? You just need to take it slow i guess...

[Barbiedolly]

also on your personal it says your looking for "casual", i mean im sorry but honestly, being a caregiver is not a casual thing AT all.

[Tinka]

Hello (yaaay my 100th post!) 

 

with all the respect, i want to say my opinion.

i completely understand what you say and how you feel.

Its hard a lot of times to be a cg and to deal with people online who claim to be littles.

You will be deceived and ghosted. 

But you cant give up. Not all people are like that.

I see from your profile that you are new, even if your way of talking shows otherwise, but this is not the point. 

I think that sometimes we just search / draw the wrong people. 

A lot of us are long time here , have spoken to 1000 people and still havent found someone who would be a potential One. 

We shouldn`t loose hope. 

This site is a gate for a lot of kinds of people/personalities.

Make sure you take it slow and meet the people, and do not fear to just say "no thanks" and walk away if someone is not good for you.

Show what you are searching for to Personals or Profile, be more specific, this will eliminate potential unwanted people of communicating with you.

Give it time. It always comes out of nowhere  

Best of luck

[Child Of Light]

When you are looking for casual/ just for fun/ non committed -- you also run the risk of non serious or non-committing little's and Subs. That is what casual is. It's taking the benefits with nothing else attached.

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

You might find this topic helpful: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/16410-red-flags-for-dominants/

[BlueEyedDaddy]

"And what benefits are these???"

Being taken care of in every possible way.  I'm not saying it's a bad thing, just that it's not good when it's one-sided.

"Take your timegetting to know them maybe??"

This is a strawman argument that has nothing to do with my post.

 

"And also a Caregiver is supposed to becaring and look after their little, that is a benefit, but that is your job as a caregiver though?? You just need to take it slow i guess..."

It's both a benefit to be a caregiver and to be a little or sub.  Both parties need to be respected and treated properly.  My complaint was about people who join the community quickly and see the advantages for themselves while not fulfilling their responsibilities and how to avoid them.  I'm not generalizing. 

 

"also on your personal it says your looking for "casual", i mean im sorry but honestly, being a caregiver is not a casual thing AT all."

I have been a "casual caregiver" for multiple littles and subs.  In most cases neither of us were looking for a relationship but both were looking for companionship.  The relationships with the BDSM community are VERY wide and all over the place.  It's okay if you feel that way but understand not everyone does.

Thanks for the input.

[BlueEyedDaddy]

When you are looking for casual/ just for fun/ non committed -- you also run the risk of non serious or non-committing little's and Subs. That is what casual is. It's taking the benefits with nothing else attached.

 

I have spent years in committed relationships as a caregiver and I've found, in my current place in life, I want someone who can have a casual relationship because it implies experience and maturity to go slower than maybe newer folks are used to.  I'm not trying to jump into something without it working out well as friends and then more.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

[Guest Georgia-Daddy2]

Casual relationships sounds more fleeting than lasting. I am a caregiver and I have had "casual" relationships but they aren't as rewarding as in depth emotional ones. If you meant starting out casually as friends then forming into relationships I could agree with that.

[Child Of Light]

I have spent years in committed relationships as a caregiver and I've found, in my current place in life, I want someone who can have a casual relationship because it implies experience and maturity to go slower than maybe newer folks are used to.  I'm not trying to jump into something without it working out well as friends and then more.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

 

Right. I can totally understand that! And I'm not saying there is anything wrong with wanting something casual. It's just the crowd your going to pick-up.

 

Maybe re-wording your post to 'platonic' (instead of casual) will show investment, but not in romantic. When I think casual, I think no friendship, bond, and a thing that is 'just done' (i,e daddy 'only when wanting' or sex 'only when wanted') to fill needs and than leave.

 

My first type of D/s relationship was 100% platonic, and 100% non-sexual -- he to this day, is one of my closest friends and has helped me grow and mature to the person I am today, and I give him many credits and thanks to helping me become the Submissive; I am; with my current partner (both my platonic friend and I are in relationships of our own and engaged). We kept social boundaries (ie nonsexual) and had an underline of respect/ friendship, which helped create an mutual need, meeting non-resenting, and supportive friendship outside of our dynamic.

Edited May 4, 2018 by Child Of Light

[Guest KhaleesiKettle]

I see a lot of this and I’m sorry you’re having to go through it. It’s not something that seems to be fixable or avoidable. Just have a bit of patience and the right little will appear for you! It just takes time.

[Little Illy]

"And what benefits are these???"

 

Being taken care of in every possible way.  I'm not saying it's a bad thing, just that it's not good when it's one-sided.

 

"Take your timegetting to know them maybe??"

 

This is a strawman argument that has nothing to do with my post.

 

"And also a Caregiver is supposed to becaring and look after their little, that is a benefit, but that is your job as a caregiver though?? You just need to take it slow i guess..."

 

It's both a benefit to be a caregiver and to be a little or sub.  Both parties need to be respected and treated properly.  My complaint was about people who join the community quickly and see the advantages for themselves while not fulfilling their responsibilities and how to avoid them.  I'm not generalizing. 

 

 

All of what you explained here is 100% accurate. And (without knowing anything about anything of your experiences), when you have someone whose sole intention is to be taken care of with nothing, absolutely in return, then that little is a fake. And it kinda saddens me to see all of these responses.

 

I agree that the casual explanation could be a misuse of words, however.... if this thread was posted by a little than the responses would've been EXTREMELY different. Even with the sketchy wording. So why don't I even this thread out a bit with saying that, if the OP has experienced littles trying to take advantage of him, he needs to report them to the staff. These littles (AGAIN, if true) would be considered fake as they do nothing but manipulate people into taking care of them, draining their energy and then not giving back anything in return. They would be considered predators as this is a harmful behavior for everyone involved. Yet no one has once suspected that the littles he was interacting with are at fault. Such a double standard....

 

OP - if that is the case, I would recommend amping up your vetting process for potential littles. Ignoring those who are throwing themselves at you and look for those who are speaking with substance. I have to turn down Daddies for 4 years because I knew they weren't nearly as investing as I was. You need that kind of control to be able to turn away those fleeting people.

 

However - If they aren't actually doing this but you are feeling unfulfilled with the level of giving they have, then you need to be able to be man enough to realize you have been chasing littles who are incompatible with you. It sounds like you are attracting the wrong kind of little, the casual kind who doesn't really want to put as much effort into a relationship as you are. So I would recommend revisiting anything you have written (personal, profile, etc) and edit it to have it portray a closer idea of what a relationship is to you, and what your partner would be like. Clear communication should clear up a lot of these issues, if you're willing to try.

 

I hope everything works out. And I hope this ridiculous bias doesn't take seed and root. Good luck! 

Edited May 5, 2018 by Little Illy

[Guest BabyPeach]

 

 

I agree that the casual explanation could be a misuse of words, however.... if this thread was posted by a little than the responses would've been EXTREMELY different. Even with the sketchy wording. So why don't I even this thread out a bit with saying that, if the OP has experienced littles trying to take advantage of him, he needs to report them to the staff. These littles (AGAIN, if true) would be considered fake as they do nothing but manipulate people into taking care of them, draining their energy and then not giving back anything in return. They would be considered predators as this is a harmful behavior for everyone involved. Yet no one has once suspected that the littles he was interacting with are at fault. Such a double standard....

 

 

 

I have to disagree that, that would make these people a "fake little".  The only people I might consider fake are people who try to take advantage of men financially (even then....if he's dumb enough to give it, then who am I to say it's wrong?).  For example,  sexually there are pillow princesses.  These are takers and not givers.  There are people who prefer pillow princesses because they only want to give.  This dynamic often happens in a butch/femme relationship.  Are they wrong?  Are they fake?  No.  What they are is a couple who has come to an agreement and find that they are compatible.  You can't just report someone because you disagree with how they are.  What you might consider a "fake little" (a taker in your eyes) might find a Daddy who just wants to be a giver because his needs are met by simply taking care of a little.  That's a win/win for both of them.

 

Where a person could go wrong is not discussing up front (after getting to know someone a bit in general) what their needs are and what the needs of the other person are.  This way, you know if you are even remotely compatible before beginning anything long term.  If the little (or Daddy) fails to give what was discussed, well then just move on.  On the internet, many people are "big talkers" with very little follow through in real life. What isn't for you just might be for someone else.

[Little Illy]

I have to disagree that, that would make these people a "fake little".  The only people I might consider fake are people who try to take advantage of men financially (even then....if he's dumb enough to give it, then who am I to say it's wrong?).  For example,  sexually there are pillow princesses.  These are takers and not givers.  There are people who prefer pillow princesses because they only want to give.  This dynamic often happens in a butch/femme relationship.  Are they wrong?  Are they fake?  No.  What they are is a couple who has come to an agreement and find that they are compatible.  You can't just report someone because you disagree with how they are.  What you might consider a "fake little" (a taker in your eyes) might find a Daddy who just wants to be a giver because his needs are met by simply taking care of a little.  That's a win/win for both of them.

 

Where a person could go wrong is not discussing up front (after getting to know someone a bit in general) what their needs are and what the needs of the other person are.  This way, you know if you are even remotely compatible before beginning anything long term.  If the little (or Daddy) fails to give what was discussed, well then just move on.  On the internet, many people are "big talkers" with very little follow through in real life. What isn't for you just might be for someone else.

 

 

I have to agree with the financial part. Is the only way to take advantage of you financially? What about a little who has NO interest in EVER caring about her partner? They literally just leech everything from someone and when that person is tapped, they move onto the next one. 

 

I HATE calling people fake, because it is too casually and callously used in our community. Which is why I post this thread: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/23301-fake-it-needs-to-stop/ (SFW).

 

However, to assume that there aren't any fake littles or CGs out there just because they don't solely want money is a bit narrow minded (in my opinion and I honestly mean nothing negative about your opinion, but rather am just having a civil debate ). I agree (and stated above) that ONLY IF these littles are being predatory (because predators rarely go for just money, or money at all) then yes, they are fake. And again, a double standard? So what makes a CG fake? Going after the money of the little? No its mentally abusing little (or according to a lot of people on the forum - just being mean to the little makes them a fake Daddy), or demanding sex or wanting this or that. 

 

The 'term' fake is such a turn off, but there ARE fake people out there, just not nearly as many as people believe. Which is why I addressed both sides: If those littles are fake, then X. If they are not and they are just not compatible, then Y. And I totally agree! Some people prefer a very rigid dynamic where the little doesn't "do" anything for the CG and the CG does "Everything"! Yes, totally, that is such a thing! But even then, they are STILL in a relationship and therefore, any healthy relationship would mean the little supports his or her CG. Which, if I am reading this right, the OP is saying none of the women have done this recently. Which could totally be a problem of getting close to someone too quickly, and without knowing their persona, but still. 

 

Anyways, I apologize if I came off as blunt. I definitely respect your position But I believe there are a ton of fake littles out there for more than just money. I have watched them destroy people on this forum (in the past, way past) before. I just hope they aren't here now.

[Child Of Light]

I agree that the casual explanation could be a misuse of words, however.... if this thread was posted by a little than the responses would've been EXTREMELY different.

 

I think my responses would be the same. I would tell the Little, they have a misuse of wording, and to get what they want, they needed to communicate a bit more and express their needs more clearly. I also don't think there is a 'fake' little or 'fake' daddy, I tend to call them all 'players' or non-serious about the lifestyle vs those in the lifestyle (which makes some of us clash at times). Also, I'm quite OK with players and etc -- as it's still a kink. Just would prefer it rather be known

Edited May 5, 2018 by Child Of Light

[Little Illy]

Also, I'm quite OK with players and etc -- as it's still a kink. Just would prefer it rather be known

 

I definitely see your position, and I believe YOU specifically wouldn't be implementing a double standard. But everyone has to admit, when a little posts about Daddies or CGs being incompatible, the outcry is almost always that the CG is a fake. And typically it never is the same for Daddies or CGs when they post about littles. I hate the whole 'fake' thing, but I hate seeing backlash on a CG where a little would be supported in the same situation. 

 

I suppose we have to agree to disagree But I enjoyed hearing your point of view, COL!

[Guest vegan freebird]

Is any other CG tired of meeting littles and subs who are only doing it to take advantage of the benefits?

 

How do you avoid selfish/fake littles and subs?  

 

I do have some empathy with this. Some.

 

I do see a trend amongst SOME littles, who treat daddies/CGs as almost a disposable product.

I think we all know of littles who jump quickly from CG to another CG, as soon as they encounter something

they either: 1) Don't like about the present CG, or 2) Have found a CG they deem as being better.

 

Of course, people are free to end relationships, especially bad ones.

But often daddies/mommies/CGs are just abandoned without warning or explanation.

(And yes, sometimes littles are also treated this way by CGs).

 

Ghosting sucks when you're on the receiving end, regardless who or what you are.

It's disrespectful and cowardly.

 

Getting back on track.. I have noticed that it is almost acceptable to criticise CGs/daddies,

especially with the 'f' word.. 'fake'.

 

It's quite common that when a CG/daddy/mommie criticises a little however,

overwhelming support for that little is forthcoming. Almost as if littles can do no wrong.

 

I do take issue with 'caring' for a little, is reward enough for a CG.

As if.. 'You're privileged that I let you care for me'. !

 

I think a lot of this kind of attitude is really a sign of immaturity. And yes I see the irony in that.

SOME littles want to be cared for unconditionally. SOME littles think they are entitled to that

by declaring themself a little. SOME littles have no intention of ever really growing up.

 

Please notice I am saying SOME.

This is troubling in itself. My personal view is that maturity and growth as a human being

is necessary to make us well adjusted & functioning people.

Arrested development does no-one any favours.

 

So yes. I do believe that SOME littles are selfish in their beliefs and behaviours.

And of course this is true of SOME CGs too.

 

Selfish/manipulative daddies etc is a particular cause for concern, and usually not

the result of immaturity, but rather cold calculation and selfishness.

This can inflict real, long-lasting problems for young littles who are still developing emotionally.

 

I agree with others who have said, it can often take a long time, even years, to find the CG or little that

is right for you. Sadly we all have to kiss more than a few frogs first.

 

There are both littles and CGs/daddies out there, who are best avoided.

There is no easy way to identify either. That means in our search, we will be inflicted with a bruise or two..

 

All any of us can do, is try to stay focused and positive. And most of all.. 

treat other people with the same kindness, consideration and respect, that we would like to receive ourself.

 

 

 

       

[Little Illy]

I do have some empathy with this. Some.

 

I do see a trend amongst SOME littles, who treat daddies/CGs as almost a disposable product.

I think we all know of littles who jump quickly from CG to another CG, as soon as they encounter something

they either: 1) Don't like about the present CG, or 2) Have found a CG they deem as being better.

 

Of course, people are free to end relationships, especially bad ones.

But often daddies/mommies/CGs are just abandoned without warning or explanation.

(And yes, sometimes littles are also treated this way by CGs).

 

Ghosting sucks when you're on the receiving end, regardless who or what you are.

It's disrespectful and cowardly.

 

Getting back on track.. I have noticed that it is almost acceptable to criticise CGs/daddies,

especially with the 'f' word.. 'fake'.

 

It's quite common that when a CG/daddy/mommie criticises a little however,

overwhelming support for that little is forthcoming. Almost as if littles can do no wrong.

 

I do take issue with 'caring' for a little, is reward enough for a CG.

As if.. 'You're privileged that I let you care for me'. !

 

I think a lot of this kind of attitude is really a sign of immaturity. And yes I see the irony in that.

SOME littles want to be cared for unconditionally. SOME littles think they are entitled to that

by declaring themself a little. SOME littles have no intention of ever really growing up.

 

Please notice I am saying SOME.

This is troubling in itself. My personal view is that maturity and growth as a human being

is necessary to make us well adjusted & functioning people.

Arrested development does no-one any favours.

 

So yes. I do believe that SOME littles are selfish in their beliefs and behaviours.

And of course this is true of SOME CGs too.

 

Selfish/manipulative daddies etc is a particular cause for concern, and usually not

the result of immaturity, but rather cold calculation and selfishness.

This can inflict real, long-lasting problems for young littles who are still developing emotionally.

 

I agree with others who have said, it can often take a long time, even years, to find the CG or little that

is right for you. Sadly we all have to kiss more than a few frogs first.

 

There are both littles and CGs/daddies out there, who are best avoided.

There is no easy way to identify either. That means in our search, we will be inflicted with a bruise or two..

 

All any of us can do, is try to stay focused and positive. And most of all.. 

treat other people with the same kindness, consideration and respect, that we would like to receive ourself.

 

 

 

       

 

 

I typically like to cut up quotes so I only have what I really agree with. But... this was so brilliantly worded. And exactly what I failed to say! XD But.... 

 

 

 

Getting back on track.. I have noticed that it is almost acceptable to criticise CGs/daddies,

especially with the 'f' word.. 'fake'.

 

It's quite common that when a CG/daddy/mommie criticises a little however,

overwhelming support for that little is forthcoming. Almost as if littles can do no wrong.

 

I do take issue with 'caring' for a little, is reward enough for a CG.

As if.. 'You're privileged that I let you care for me'. !

 

       

 

This was exactly what I was talking about!

 

And this is what saddens me, that barely anyone recognizes this double standard. But I digress.

 

You explained this beautifully and I think at the end of the day the OP just needs to maybe tailor his words to what are more familiar to littles. 'Casual' may be a problematic word, considering what it sounds like he is looking for. So clear communication is always needed.

 

But again, I stress that anyone who is dealing with someone with predatory behavior (a true leech who is leaving a trail of drained CGs behind him or her) then whomever is dealing with these people should report them to the staff. That way they can keep an eye out on them. A lot of people use this dynamic as a way to take advantage of the Carers. And of course, there are predatory CGs as well. 

 

And AGAIN, if they aren't being predatory, then realize yall aren't compatible and move away from that type that keeps giving so many issues.

[Frog]

[Guest vegan freebird]

"But again, I stress that anyone who is dealing with someone with predatory behavior (a true leech who is leaving a trail of drained CGs behind him or her) then whomever is dealing with these people should report them to the staff. That way they can keep an eye out on them. A lot of people use this dynamic as a way to take advantage of the Carers. And of course, there are predatory CGs as well".

 

 

Bravely said Little Sapiophile   

I urge people to really think about this, before wading in reactionarily, or on impulse  to criticise.

Predatory littles are just as bad as predatory CGs. Sadly there are both kinds of leeches within our community   

[Child Of Light]

I definitely see your position, and I believe YOU specifically wouldn't be implementing a double standard. But everyone has to admit, when a little posts about Daddies or CGs being incompatible, the outcry is almost always that the CG is a fake. And typically it never is the same for Daddies or CGs when they post about littles. I hate the whole 'fake' thing, but I hate seeing backlash on a CG where a little would be supported in the same situation. 

 

I suppose we have to agree to disagree But I enjoyed hearing your point of view, COL!

 

I totally agree. I think people misunderstand. However, when people sometimes use the word 'fake' it's sometimes in regards to: A DD trying to say a little 'has to' because that's 'what little's do' and trying to use the power-exchange dynamic on the little.

 

Instead of using the word 'fake' a more clearly written 'abuse of power' or 'not everyone's lifestyle is the same' would be more appropriate. It's one thing for a Daddy to share their interest in something, but it's another thing, for a Daddy to try to use their Power Exchange dynamic to manipulate the Little into doing it.

 

Manipulation isn't what the lifestyle is about and can be often hidden by terms of 'it's because I'm a Daddy' or 'it's because I'm a little'.

 

Yes, oh, very well.. we can see how *some* Little's manipulate and use their little-space to play innocence and acting small, or claim DD's are mean, and etc, and get the site to rally against the DD...

 

At the end of the day, we're all adults here. And the OP brought up a valid point. I think my first post on wording, and communication, even furthers with this discussion.

Edited May 6, 2018 by Child Of Light

[BlueEyedDaddy]

It's amazing how this conversation went from how to avoid selfish and disrespectful littles to abusive caregivers.  That wasn't the topic, stop with the red herring.  

If you want to talk about how CG can be jerks there are LOADS of other discussions to do it in, this is a topic however that has very little coverage because the community would rather the little *always* be the victim of some abusive CG.  

Stop making excuses for bad or fake people in the community.  it's bad on both sides.

[Child Of Light]

It's amazing how this conversation went from how to avoid selfish and disrespectful littles to abusive caregivers. That wasn't the topic, stop with the red herring.

If you want to talk about how CG can be jerks there are LOADS of other discussions to do it in, this is a topic however that has very little coverage because the community would rather the little *always* be the victim of some abusive CG.

Stop making excuses for bad or fake people in the community. it's bad on both sides.

The issue is, they are both toxic relationships. Which Is a valid conversation to have. Avoiding, toxic people, and those that abuse their roles (DD’s AND littles). Communication, and weeding out.

Edited May 7, 2018 by Child Of Light

[BlueEyedDaddy]

The issue is, they are both toxic relationships. Which Is a valid conversation to have. Avoiding, toxic people, and those that abuse their roles (DD’s AND littles). Communication, and weeding out.

 

Yeah, but the issue I raised wasn't that.  I wanted help about a specific issue and because people wanted to conflate the two, I got almost no useful advice.

[Little Illy]

I got almost no useful advice.

 

Though the thread did deviate from your original question to the validity of intentions in the community, a lot of people did give you great advice. It may be you just don't like it? 

 

A lot of confusion seems to have come from terminology. Where a few words (casual, etc) may have a different meaning for different people. The prevailing advice here is to clarify your intentions as well as take responsibility in when knowing to take things slow and recognize if the person you are interested in, is actually what you want. I.E. - do they expect to take and take without giving anything back, or do they believe in the inherent back and forth you want?

 

And honestly, I don't think you will find much advice other than that. Its all sound.