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Guest z1_e2_b3

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Guest z1_e2_b3
Hello there~ lately things have been tough and mentally straining. My cg isn't the best or most comfortable in talking about depression/self harm. Its really tough to go through something like this alone, he doesn't want to discuss the matter. Infact- he has been awfully quiet and distant towards the fact lately.... I dont know how to reach out to him. I dont know if he still wants me around. Should I confront him about this, how? What should I do next?
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Guest MisterW
A caregiver who isnt providing care doesn't sound like a very fulfilling recipe. Communication is important in any relationship so yes a conversation is definitely needed. Be honest about how you feel and what you need from him. If he can't give you what you need, maybe it's best to find someone who can. It's understandable if hes not comfortable with your depression/self harm. But ignoring it is a hurtful response I'm sure, especially when you rely on that person for care/guidance. I hope whatever comes of it, you understand that self harm is not the answer. Love is the answer. I'm sending good vibes out in hopes that you find it, wherever and however.
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Guest z1_e2_b3
Ah alrighty- its just tough to talk about this kinda thing- especially when you feel unwanted >w<" but i'll talk to him as soon as I can. Ill give it a try and hope to understand- thanks~
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Guest QueenJellybean

what do i always say? 


communicate, especially when you don't want to. 


 


you've got to tell him how you feel. maybe even show him this post. 


just like it was stated above, a caregiver who isn't providing care sort of defeats the purpose of the relationship dynamic. 


if he can't provide what you need, then you've got a serious talk ahead of you, & it's not one you can avoid. 


 


good luck!


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Wait wait wait. If I can play devil's advocate...

 

Everyone is absolutely correct, Communication is the Key:

 

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/28037-communication-is-vital/ (SFW)

 

However... it sounds like he may have legitimate depression. You don't just mention self harm and depression without expressing some severity. Especially if he is retreating into himself. This is a big red flag that he is mentally unwell, he is hurting or he is slipping down the depression slide. No one, absolutely no one, who has depression really wants to discuss it. It makes us feel weak, feel like a burden, feel like people don't understand, feel like we actually have nothing to be depressed about and get frustrated. 

 

So I recommend, yes, absolutely, discuss your concerns with him. But this is the one situation where I will say... be easy. And try not to let your need of satisfaction (of knowing and helping him) get in the way of what is best for him. Family and friends do it all the time, and I honestly dont know if you have experience with depression (this is not me being passive aggressive or being snide, I honestly dont know if you have). The family and friends want to do everything they can to make that person happy, but this can actually do the opposite.

 

Depression affects many parts of a person's day-to-day capabilities. I will use myself as an example:

 

I have been clinically diagnosed with depression and have been since I was 13. In therapy for it for years at 14. Have been on meds, yet refuse them now. When my depression is flaring up... people make it worse. No matter how loving and helpful and genuinely caring, they make it worse. I feel the need to explain myself to force myself to be up and happy. I feel the need to do whatever they say because they are trying for my benefit, but I try even if I know it wont work. I try for them. I smile for them. I move for them. But for me it is hell. Every time.

 

Now. I am not saying your CG is like that, that bad and to that extent. But rather this is an example of how reaching out constantly can make things worse. If you are worried about those things you mentioned because he is depress, and may do something bad, then I urge you to immediately reach out to someone right there with him who can possibly get him to a professional. Or at least keep a closer eye on him (Saying yorue in an LDR). If you two are together, I would recommend he talk to someone who he is comfortable with. But ultimately, it is up to him. Which makes you caught between a rock and a hard place.

 

Open up to him and explain everything you have here. Explain how distressing it is to see him upset and you want to do nothing but help. But always remember, what we think can help isn't always the case. Sometimes we literally need to ask the person 'is there anything I can do?' and truly listen to their answer. If they need a few days alone, give it to them (with few check ins), if they need to put the screens away, allow them. If they need to not see groups of people, then they shouldn't. Etc.

 

Our human nature is to take care of those we love and when we don't see the results we sometimes forget that forcing our helpfulness wont get us anywhere.

 

[i am not saying the OP is doing this - I am saying a vast majority of people do and most don't realize the affects it has on those who are depressed. I just wanted to provide my point of view and experience]

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or he may just not have the wisdom of how to handle the situation, so stays silent about it, less he say the wrong thing. Better to know what you don't know, than not know what you think you know.

 

sort of like, if you bring up the fact that such-and-such makeup works well with this other make up.... he may be at a complete loss for words for advice

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Those topics can be super hard for some, especially if they don't know what to say or do to help. I know when people try talk about problems with me that I can't fix I feel really useless that I can't help those I love and care for. There's a chance he just doesn't feel like he has the resources to help you, so communicate all of this with him! Tell him how this makes you feel and see what he says. It can be so hard feeling like we can't care for those we want to so it could be as simple as figuring out a plan on what he can do to be there for you better ^^

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Wooooooooooow I think I may have made a big mistake:

 

I read the OP as if her CG has depression. And now I am seeing I am probably wrong and that she does. My sincerest apologies, OP, that I got it wrong. I would still apply what I stated in so much that he may be very frustrated he can't help you and wants to avoid it altogether. But if you need a rock, I suggest finding someone who doesn't shy away from the hard things (not necessarily break it off with him). 

 

My apologies again.

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