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Am I a bad daddy?


Guest Juddon

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first of all,i just want to say.. im sorry for everything youve been through. she may have been manipulated, buy she manipulated you just as much. you did not deserve this and this is not your fault. i know it hurts but this is good riddance. focus on your goals in life man.
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Guest FluffyLittleLilac
Aes said it pretty darn well. Honestly all I see is red flags flashing all over. It was a toxic relationship and thank goodness you’re out of it now. You should never cut out your family and social life for a partner. There should always be a healthy balance. You don’t sound like a bad daddy, and I’d say you should focus on yourself and your career for now, while you’re healing from this so called relationship.
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Guest Revurex

Too many red flags for me. You can't allow people to walk all over you. Don't blame yourself but be aware of the red flags in the future. I'd walk away and never look back. 

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Aes said it pretty darn well. Honestly all I see is red flags flashing all over. It was a toxic relationship and thank goodness you’re out of it now. You should never cut out your family and social life for a partner. There should always be a healthy balance. You don’t sound like a bad daddy, and I’d say you should focus on yourself and your career for now, while you’re healing from this so called relationship.

Thank you, it;s just I wonder if I was being a pushover letting her step over me. It's just she's told he she was abused by her ex beforehand, so I didn't want to remind her about it through our relationship of DDLG. It's just, I couldn't believe that just a few days before she broke down, she was being her usual self and was being happy. After that day, she went out drinking with him. She just changed.

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Too many red flags for me. You can't allow people to walk all over you. Don't blame yourself but be aware of the red flags in the future. I'd walk away and never look back. 

I could only trust and believe her right. I guess I believed her too much, because of our love. 

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first of all,i just want to say.. im sorry for everything youve been through. she may have been manipulated, buy she manipulated you just as much. you did not deserve this and this is not your fault. i know it hurts but this is good riddance. focus on your goals in life man.

Thank you, it's just I really feel that I failed as a daddy. That's why she chose someone and left me.. 

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So umm firstly, I am sorry this happened to you dude. I do apologise in advance if I seem harsh or cold in my response. I know you’re hurting and I do not intend to further your pain by offending you.

 

Now with regards to the title of your post; are you a bad Daddy? To put it simply; no. I don’t think you’re a particularly strict Daddy or one who can enforce rules as such. But this does not make you a bad Daddy, you are not abusive or hateful from what I can tell. I mean you gave the girl another chance after she cheated on you!

 

Secondly, and this is where my harsh tone comes in, your ex sounds like a bitch. Again, I’m sorry if I offend. But dude... she literally cheated on you. And she can make as many excuses as she wants, such as she was manipulated, and you can believe her all you want. But at the end of the day, it takes two to cheat. It takes a conscious decision to cheat. And cheaters are shitty people. You dodged the mother of all bullets.

Evidence of her being a serial cheater is well... she fucked a girl and then cried to get sympathy. You forgive her and take her back. She gets a second chance. Then she found this guy and well... probably start cheating on you with him.

 

She didn’t respect you as a Daddy. She didn’t respect you as a person. Claiming she was afraid of you, after you explicitly gave her no cause to believe that, was an excuse for her to not feel like a bitch in her head.

 

I feel you were too naive with the whole new male friend situation but that could just be me. Maybe it’s because you’re so young and hopefully out of all this mess you will learn to be more cautious with your heart. Another factor in this whole thing is well... you were 5 years younger than her. And you proposed at such a young age. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not against marrying young. But if you’re that young and you’re also naive... it’s not a great mix.

 

Basically at the end of all of this, no you are not a bad Daddy. I think you just need time to learn how to enforce rules properly. But also I think you were just stuck with a selfish bitch and personally, I think you are far better off without her. Best of luck for the future dude and keep your head up.

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So umm firstly, I am sorry this happened to you dude. I do apologise in advance if I seem harsh or cold in my response. I know you’re hurting and I do not intend to further your pain by offending you.

 

Now with regards to the title of your post; are you a bad Daddy? To put it simply; no. I don’t think you’re a particularly strict Daddy or one who can enforce rules as such. But this does not make you a bad Daddy, you are not abusive or hateful from what I can tell. I mean you gave the girl another chance after she cheated on you!

 

Secondly, and this is where my harsh tone comes in, your ex sounds like a bitch. Again, I’m sorry if I offend. But dude... she literally cheated on you. And she can make as many excuses as she wants, such as she was manipulated, and you can believe her all you want. But at the end of the day, it takes two to cheat. It takes a conscious decision to cheat. And cheaters are shitty people. You dodged the mother of all bullets.

Evidence of her being a serial cheater is well... she fucked a girl and then cried to get sympathy. You forgive her and take her back. She gets a second chance. Then she found this guy and well... probably start cheating on you with him.

 

She didn’t respect you as a Daddy. She didn’t respect you as a person. Claiming she was afraid of you, after you explicitly gave her no cause to believe that, was an excuse for her to not feel like a bitch in her head.

 

I feel you were too naive with the whole new male friend situation but that could just be me. Maybe it’s because you’re so young and hopefully out of all this mess you will learn to be more cautious with your heart. Another factor in this whole thing is well... you were 5 years younger than her. And you proposed at such a young age. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not against marrying young. But if you’re that young and you’re also naive... it’s not a great mix.

 

Basically at the end of all of this, no you are not a bad Daddy. I think you just need time to learn how to enforce rules properly. But also I think you were just stuck with a selfish bitch and personally, I think you are far better off without her. Best of luck for the future dude and keep your head up.

 

No, I'm not taking it too heart if you insult because I have no reason to be angry nor offended. What you said is true and that I was naive and gullible. She played the victim card the entire time while breaking up with me, she showed no signs of hesitating or wanting to work things out. She was full confidence about ending things. Everytime I tried to enforce being a daddy, she'd just brushes it off. There are times she listens but it all depends on her mood. She'd only listen when she was drunk, but even then it's difficult. We had the age difference but being a little it never affected how much I loved her. She incited me to marry her and it was also a decision where it would make  things easier for us to live together. To finally actually not having to keep travelling.  But alas, I paid the price for my negligence and she prbably found someone else.. regardless, thanks for taking the time to read and comment about what you really thought. As long as I know I did my best and treated her fairly.

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Guest ~*~Sachita~*~

I'm going to be explicit in case anyone else is reading this and wondering what a red flag is.  Taken separately, the below issues may not necessarily be dealbreakers.  When the red flags start accumulating along with items that might be considered "bad luck", it is time to protect yourself.   In this case, you stuck it out way past the point where I would have bailed.  There is one item, however, that is an absolute GTFO, relationship-ending, emotionally abusive item that is never, ever part of a healthy relationship.

 

DEALBREAKER

 

"she threatens to kill herself if I ever leave her, She threatened to kill me if I ever leave her"  This site has an awesome Resources section, which includes a description of abusive relationships.  Anyone who is confused about why this is the ultimate example of emotional abuse should check it out here: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/13644-is-my-relationship-abusive/

 

 

Red Flags

 

"she ended up cheating on me"

 

"drinking a 0.7liter of cheap vodka, and gambles away online"

 

"I've always asked her not to, but she gets so grumpy.. that she doesn't talk to me anymore if I did this"

 

"she broke down from depression when she came home drunk"

 

"I tried to wake her up to apologise, but she just talked to me coldly"

 

"she told me not to disturb her.. to not bother her"

 

"I cut off my social life and family life to pay attention to her."

 

 

Bad Luck

 

"losing her home to the bank"

 

"seeing her mum go to a psychatric hospital"

 

"she spilled beer onto her laptop making it unusable"

 

"drops the phone I gave her as a present into a bucket of water"

 

 

OP, If I were you, I would find a therapist who specializes in couples counseling to help you recognize manipulative communication strategies (ignoring, refusing to talk, communicating "coldly") and find ways to stop them.  That way, if a future partner begins treating you similarly in the future, you will have the skills to either work it out or end the relationship.

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I'm going to be explicit in case anyone else is reading this and wondering what a red flag is.  Taken separately, the below issues may not necessarily be dealbreakers.  When the red flags start accumulating along with items that might be considered "bad luck", it is time to protect yourself.   In this case, you stuck it out way past the point where I would have bailed.  There is one item, however, that is an absolute GTFO, relationship-ending, emotionally abusive item that is never, ever part of a healthy relationship.

 

DEALBREAKER

 

"she threatens to kill herself if I ever leave her, She threatened to kill me if I ever leave her"  This site has an awesome Resources section, which includes a description of abusive relationships.  Anyone who is confused about why this is the ultimate example of emotional abuse should check it out here: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/13644-is-my-relationship-abusive/

 

 

Red Flags

 

"she ended up cheating on me"

 

"drinking a 0.7liter of cheap vodka, and gambles away online"

 

"I've always asked her not to, but she gets so grumpy.. that she doesn't talk to me anymore if I did this"

 

"she broke down from depression when she came home drunk"

 

"I tried to wake her up to apologise, but she just talked to me coldly"

 

"she told me not to disturb her.. to not bother her"

 

"I cut off my social life and family life to pay attention to her."

 

 

Bad Luck

 

"losing her home to the bank"

 

"seeing her mum go to a psychatric hospital"

 

"she spilled beer onto her laptop making it unusable"

 

"drops the phone I gave her as a present into a bucket of water"

 

 

OP, If I were you, I would find a therapist who specializes in couples counseling to help you recognize manipulative communication strategies (ignoring, refusing to talk, communicating "coldly") and find ways to stop them.  That way, if a future partner begins treating you similarly in the future, you will have the skills to either work it out or end the relationship.

 

 

Sounds like your basic Russian girlfriend to me

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I'm going to be explicit in case anyone else is reading this and wondering what a red flag is.  Taken separately, the below issues may not necessarily be dealbreakers.  When the red flags start accumulating along with items that might be considered "bad luck", it is time to protect yourself.   In this case, you stuck it out way past the point where I would have bailed.  There is one item, however, that is an absolute GTFO, relationship-ending, emotionally abusive item that is never, ever part of a healthy relationship.

 

DEALBREAKER

 

"she threatens to kill herself if I ever leave her, She threatened to kill me if I ever leave her"  This site has an awesome Resources section, which includes a description of abusive relationships.  Anyone who is confused about why this is the ultimate example of emotional abuse should check it out here: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/13644-is-my-relationship-abusive/

 

 

Red Flags

 

"she ended up cheating on me"

 

"drinking a 0.7liter of cheap vodka, and gambles away online"

 

"I've always asked her not to, but she gets so grumpy.. that she doesn't talk to me anymore if I did this"

 

"she broke down from depression when she came home drunk"

 

"I tried to wake her up to apologise, but she just talked to me coldly"

 

"she told me not to disturb her.. to not bother her"

 

"I cut off my social life and family life to pay attention to her."

 

 

Bad Luck

 

"losing her home to the bank"

 

"seeing her mum go to a psychatric hospital"

 

"she spilled beer onto her laptop making it unusable"

 

"drops the phone I gave her as a present into a bucket of water"

 

 

OP, If I were you, I would find a therapist who specializes in couples counseling to help you recognize manipulative communication strategies (ignoring, refusing to talk, communicating "coldly") and find ways to stop them.  That way, if a future partner begins treating you similarly in the future, you will have the skills to either work it out or end the relationship.

 

Well, honestly I don't need the therapy as I am able to move on. But it really brought down my faith in a little actually knowing her limits at times. She's probably not even being a little, but using it as a coverup to control me. I was blinded by love even though I knew it was toxic, it had many red flags. I still believed I could change her once I'm with her together. I just didn't know how to react towards the situation it was building into, the only thought in my head was that I really did not want to lose her. But I agree 100% with what you've said.

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welp , basically i am covered by the amazing response of our community members here, but i just wanna say 

"MY GOAD WHAT A MANIPULATING B!TCH !!!"  O.o  

She deserves a cold metaphorical slap in the face.

A lot of us had bad things happening to us, we didn`t turn psychobitch on our partners. 

But thats the way it usually goes. For every good person, there is a bitchy person that sucks him/her dry. 

 

See it as an opportunity to grow and recognise the red flags. 

Self development is kinda mandatory after this. Focus on your self... on your life , on your profession etc.

 

Why do i have an impression that its not the last thing that will happen in this ''relationship''?

Why do i have the impression that you will try to communicate with her? or if she does try to communicate, you will be there and available?

*grabs your face and shakes it kinda* Man you dodged a bullet ! If you dare to even come close to that again, you ll be doomed. 

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Well, honestly I don't need the therapy as I am able to move on. But it really brought down my faith in a little actually knowing her limits at times. She's probably not even being a little, but using it as a coverup to control me. I was blinded by love even though I knew it was toxic, it had many red flags. I still believed I could change her once I'm with her together. I just didn't know how to react towards the situation it was building into, the only thought in my head was that I really did not want to lose her. But I agree 100% with what you've said.

 

If I were you, I'd go to therapy. I know you feel fine now but you don't know what you're going to bring over to your next relationship. You spent years normalizing this behavior. You need to seek professional help to nip this in the bud so you don't have to worry about it for later. I wish that's what I did.

 

I'm sorry you went through this.

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welp , basically i am covered by the amazing response of our community members here, but i just wanna say 

"MY GOAD WHAT A MANIPULATING B!TCH !!!"  O.o  

She deserves a cold metaphorical slap in the face.

A lot of us had bad things happening to us, we didn`t turn psychobitch on our partners. 

But thats the way it usually goes. For every good person, there is a bitchy person that sucks him/her dry. 

 

See it as an opportunity to grow and recognise the red flags. 

Self development is kinda mandatory after this. Focus on your self... on your life , on your profession etc.

 

Why do i have an impression that its not the last thing that will happen in this ''relationship''?

Why do i have the impression that you will try to communicate with her? or if she does try to communicate, you will be there and available?

*grabs your face and shakes it kinda* Man you dodged a bullet ! If you dare to even come close to that again, you ll be doomed. 

 

Well, I don't think I would ever get into a relationship with her ever again seeing how she tossed me aside. Even if we did, I would never trust her ever again. The community has been great and they're all amazing people that gave different point of views. Honestly, deep down inside I was 50% happy, but 50% shattered. I was happy she's gone, the toxicity was gone.. from my life, but funny thing is she's also from Prague. Haha~ seeing how understanding and nice you are, I just wonder why it'd turned out like this ~ 

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If I were you, I'd go to therapy. I know you feel fine now but you don't know what you're going to bring over to your next relationship. You spent years normalizing this behavior. You need to seek professional help to nip this in the bud so you don't have to worry about it for later. I wish that's what I did.

 

I'm sorry you went through this.

 

I did went for therapy, within my university campus. So far, she told me that things happened for the better. She might be protecting me in her own way, that she didn't want to impose on my life any more because of her demands. Etc 

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Well, I don't think I would ever get into a relationship with her ever again seeing how she tossed me aside. Even if we did, I would never trust her ever again. The community has been great and they're all amazing people that gave different point of views. Honestly, deep down inside I was 50% happy, but 50% shattered. I was happy she's gone, the toxicity was gone.. from my life, but funny thing is she's also from Prague. Haha~ seeing how understanding and nice you are, I just wonder why it'd turned out like this ~ 

 

oh really? she is from prague?! O.o

Czech or expat?

i remember an expat friend of mine,(italian) was with a czech girl and she was a walking mess...!

drugs, alcohol, bad choices of actions and people and everything....

He reached up to a point where he was like ''get your stuff and walk out of the house and my life, i cant do this anymore''.

She was dragging him down with her, wether he would see it or not immediately.

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oh really? she is from prague?! O.o

Czech or expat?

i remember an expat friend of mine,(italian) was with a czech girl and she was a walking mess...!

drugs, alcohol, bad choices of actions and people and everything....

He reached up to a point where he was like ''get your stuff and walk out of the house and my life, i cant do this anymore''.

She was dragging him down with her, wether he would see it or not immediately.

She drank every Saturdays and gambled away, but I really wanted to be there for her and help her, to get her life back in shape. But she chose to be with someone closer I guess,

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She drank every Saturdays and gambled away, but I really wanted to be there for her and help her, to get her life back in shape. But she chose to be with someone closer I guess,

 

or she just has bad decision making as a default reaction in her life and NO ONE can be a lifeguard 24/7.

You cant live a life being a protector non stop. 

We are humans we need attack and defense. 

And we cant do both non stop forever. 

We need someone to have our back too. 

Even the rocks are being eaten by the waves.

You cant be standing still and strong forever especially when you have to care for someone else. 

Not because you are weak, but because thats how things are. 

She needs to step up and try for herself also.

There is a saying that says '' i will help you come, if i firstly see you stand up and try to come''. 

Where are her efforts in this? The only think i see her is being sarcastic , making fun of you, taking you for granted, testing your limits, your patience, defying you and everything you have done for her, forgetting all the good things you represent in her life etc. 

People like her to be honest are drawn to shitty people like magnets. She will forever do that.

When there is no escape for her, and she is about to take a cold hard look in the mirror for her actions she will either cry, (crocodile tears, pretending she is the victim) or stop talking (ghost) or defy your authority. 

Yes she had a bad life, but i have the impression that a lot of the things that happened are because she doesnt want to see that she has to change. 

And as long as she doesnt see that, bad things will happen non stop. 

You cant pick up her cross, while she is somewhere else drinking, gambling, cheating and laughing at you.

This is absurd.

Help people who wanna be helped. 

She is not the case.

She needs to wake up and help herself, or else NO ONE ELSE can do that for her. 

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Guest Revurex

 

Most likely you're going to find yourself in this position again. Being in a healthy relationship is difficult and being a Daddy even more so. You certainly can't manage another person's life when you're insecure and susceptible to manipulation. Focus on yourself. Work on building confidence and self-worth.  

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What happened to you is like a Taiwanese drama or something haha, first of all, i am sorry what happened to you. What begins will have an End.

 

I can imagine the pain, the betrayal, the effort, what i understand the most is your expectations of the relationship. I got a nearly similar love story just like yours but with less time spent. What i learnt was, if she left you for someone she knows for 5 days instead of someone she been with for 4 years. She is just clearly not for you.

 

Easier to say than done, i know, but if i were you i will let her go, you will trapped in the same circumstances if you going back with her. You will and she will do the same everytime.

 

If you can do so much for someone you love, do it for someone who appreciate it, not someone who take it for granted. Love life isn't just about her, it is something bigger, it is something about you, love is a take and give.

 

That's just my two cents. I wish you for the best dude!

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I never met anyone who asks if they are a bad anything - who was.  If you care enough to ask, you're not bad.  You may, however, be unskilled - and judging from what I read, I think this might be the case.  If it is, no worries - we all started out that way and you're just starting your journey in life.  I second (or third or fourth) the idea of going to counseling.  Not to 'get over this' but to increase the number of tools in your relationship tool box to give the next relationship a better chance.  Good luck!

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I would say you dodged a bullet... a canon one, you will realize how lucky you are soon enough.

 

I just hope you can value yourself enough to realize that you were too good for her and that there is a lucky little girl out there who is waiting for you!!

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All was already said but, you're not a bad daddy. Don't let someone again take you down like this. You have one life, don't let others destroy it.<3 

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