LDR, finances

[baby_k]

I have few questions which I have been thinking some time already:

 

1. How people deal with their common financies when in LDR?

 

If couple lives under same roof, there is few different models people mainly use: shared account where all money goes, shared account where both put x amount of money to cover sertain costs, totally separate accounts... But I have no idea about LDR even there is also shared costs and questions like who visits who, how often and so on.

 

2. How people have started shared account in LDR?

 

I know I can easily open account + credit card for myself online but shared account... no idea who offers this service.

 

3. How people deal with big differencies in income?

 

Imo things really can't go 50-50 when other one struggles with money, and the other person has no financial issues. But then there is question of pride and fairness too...

 

 

***

 

Own experiences:

 

I'm happy to pay my flights, hotel, car, even food for both as I would pay those if I went on holiday alone too ( well, not the food but that hardly is big cost ). So, the other person just have needed to pay their flight /  has needed to come and meet me at the airport.

 

One person once wanted to pay at least 50% of my flight to him as to him it was something he saw as shared cost and that I did the "work" there by getting into plane. It sort of made sense to me also. ( Even I paid that myself thou, wasn't question of big money for me and he then again paid our dining )

 

I also like giving flights/trips as birthday or xmas gifts. Meaning I get the fun too as I'm tagging along or getting them to visit me.

 

However, sometimes I still feel like shared account would be nice as the poorer person could buy things for US in their location without issues. Donno.

 

Would like to hear other people's experiences

[Guest BabyPeach]

I wouldn't share a bank account with someone I had an online relationship with. That could be discussed if one of us actually moved to live with the other. For me, if I live with someone, there would be a shared bank account for bills and expenses, but I would also maintain my own account. I will never be without my own money. I have tried combining all money in a mutual account before and when the spending habits of both people don't line up, there are big problems.  As far as one person makes more than the other, that would come into play with the shared costs. I feel the person who makes more should pay a higher percentage to balance things out.

 

I think it's fine to pay for the majority of flights, travel, etc. if you are much better off financially (just don't go into debt using credit cards or spending money you don't truly have). I also thinks it's fine to put "gift" or "fun" money and travel expenses for the other person into a mutual account. If you did create a mutual account, I would only use it for travel expenses and gifted or fun money. I would NEVER give someone access to all of my income/savings. I mean, let's face it....many people are a wolf in sheep's clothing. They aren't all nice and loving. Some people pretend to be that way to manipulate, and gain from, others.

 

Still, it's your own choice how you handle your finances. Everyone is different and we all live and learn along the way.

Edited May 5, 2019 by BabyPeach

[Guest crazycatdaddy]

I agree with BabyPeach, sharing a bank account with someone you have an online relationship with just doesn't seem like a good idea. There can be 1001 reasons why things don't work out, and if that were to happen the last thing you need, on top of the emotional turmoil of a breakup, is to lose your money or lose access to your money. I'd advise you to be very cautious about doing anything like this. When I was married, in order for my (now ex) wife and I to have a joint bank account we had to go to the same branch of the bank, together, and set up the account. They wouldn't let us go separately (I remember that because it meant coordinating time off work). Based on that experience, I'm not at all sure it would be possible for two people in two different cities to open a joint bank account. It may be, but you'd have to ask at the bank because I would imagine that scenario is very uncommon.

 

From my own experience getting divorced, untangling money was one of the more difficult aspects. Rearranging accounts so my money didn't end up with her and vice versa was a hassle, and so was deciding how to divide things up. In the framework of a legal divorce, the law is somewhat on your side insofar as you should get at least some of your money back. In the case of a breakup where you had a shared account but aren't married, I think my biggest concern would be your partner just shutting you out one day if you broke up, and having no access to your money. If you only had that one account and your salary was getting paid into it as well, you could find direct debits to pay your bills don't get paid, your partner could drain the account and walk away, and because it was technically their money too, it might be very difficult to get that money back. Even if it were technically possible to get your money back it might very well involve paying a lawyer which could cost you a lot of money too. I don't know for sure; I'm not a legal expert but that's my concern.

 

All that being said, when it comes to differences in income, if you're pooling all your money together as a couple you kind of have to let go of the "your money" and "my money" concepts. If you don't, you're setting yourself up for arguments down the line when it comes to spending. If you want to keep your incomes separate, which would be advisable most of the time, then it requires communication and understanding between partners. If one person is on a particularly low income, it means that either the person with more money pays for most activities, or you limit your activities to things you can both comfortably afford. It will depend on the individual. Some people are quite happy to let their partner spend money on them, but some people find it very awkward and don't like it at all. If your partner feels that way, don't try to force it. Don't spend money on them buying them expensive things if they aren't comfortable with it, because again that's setting up for disagreements.

 

The only time I shared my finances with someone was when I was married and we lived together. People can misrepresent themselves online to try to gain access to someone's money, unfortunately. Dating scams are not uncommon even within the community. I was talking to an AB/DL person once who'd been scammed by someone he met on a dating site in that community so it's always worth being cautious. If someone needed help to pay for their travel, for example, I would buy a ticket for someone to come to see me or pay for my own ticket to see them. But what I wouldn't do is just give someone money to buy their own tickets - one of the most common dating scams I'm aware of is when someone will say something to the effect of "I'd love to come and see you but I need X amount of money for a ticket".

 

When it comes to buying gifts and sending care packages, that's something I will always want to do. Choosing presents, wrapping them up, and watching someone I care about open them is just something I really enjoy, and I'm happy to do that in a LDR too. 

[baby_k]

Bit in hurry atm so can't properly reply but thanks for the comments! Safety or dealing in rational fashion is obviously a necessity when it comes finances and one's life.

 

To clarify, I mainly was thinking situation where there already is relationship and trust, not just dating ( where sharing money is not really advicable like both of you said ) and/or situation where you may have not even met.

 

I understand the risk on what can happen (==you never see your money again ) but I don't think it matters much if one looses some money. What matters then is the heartbreak, and small sum of money is pretty subsidiary. ( Personal opinion )

[Guest crazycatdaddy]

Maybe this is paranoia on my part, but if I haven't met someone in real life, there's never going to be 100% trust. At least not to the point where I'd pool my money with theirs! However, if the trust is there and we're moving towards living together so the relationship definitely has a future, it's okay to start planning for these things. While I wouldn't personally go out and get a joint bank account until I was living with someone, perhaps it's possible at that stage to share money between the two people more freely. For example, in my last long term relationship I was quite happy to send money to my ex to pay a bill she couldn't afford at one point. It's not exactly the same as having one bank account, but it's moving in that direction. Behaving as if the money we each had in our separate accounts was a communal pot for the couple, not "yours" and "mine".

 

I'm firmly in the camp of sharing everything when I'm in a relationship, and I would include money in that. One of the things my ex-wife used to do that really bugged me was whenever she got any money (after she quit her job she occasionally took on projects that got her some money) she'd become very possessive of it and say it was "hers" - when my salary was being used to pay rent, bills, groceries, etc. She'd become very possessive of any money she got and would insist on spending it on herself. Whereas when I got paid she'd be quite happy to spend that money on something she wanted too! When I would (half-jokingly) remind her that the money she'd earned was in a joint account and technically it was "ours" she actually got upset.

 

But I'm also someone who, mostly out of pride, doesn't like to have money spent on me. The only time I've ever had to borrow money from my folks was a seriously depressing experience! I'm much more aware of this at the moment because I'm disabled and on a low income, meaning I'd almost certainly be the lower-income partner in a relationship. If we hit the stage where everything was pooled together perhaps that feeling would weaken, but I don't know because I've never actually been in that situation myself.

 

On your final point about heartbreak, yes I agree that the heartbreak is the worst part. 100%. What I meant was that, in addition to all the emotional turmoil that comes at the end of a long relationship, being broke or without access to your money would be a real kick in the teeth. From a practical point of view, if you lost all of your money and had no way to immediately recoup it, you might find yourself going into debt or having to go to a food bank, and certainly it would take time to call the bank, call the police if necessary, establish a new account of your own, change all of your bills and direct debits, etc. And I can tell you from experience, having to do all of that paperwork when you're majorly depressed and struggling emotionally is not an easy task.

[Guest BabyPeach]

Bit in hurry atm so can't properly reply but thanks for the comments! Safety or dealing in rational fashion is obviously a necessity when it comes finances and one's life.

 

To clarify, I mainly was thinking situation where there already is relationship and trust, not just dating ( where sharing money is not really advicable like both of you said ) and/or situation where you may have not even met.

 

I understand the risk on what can happen (==you never see your money again ) but I don't think it matters much if one looses some money. What matters then is the heartbreak, and small sum of money is pretty subsidiary. ( Personal opinion )

 

For me, it wouldn't be a small sum of money stolen because my accounts aren't small. Also, it depends on how fast you can pile up money or maybe you're just extremely wealthy. I mean, I have an excellent career and make good money, but some people (a stripper/cam girl/whatever, for example) can pull in $1000 or more a night or a plastic surgeon who makes bank doing expensive surgeries most of the week, etc. If that's the case, then money would be no object really. I still wouldn't allow them access to my full account though, haha.  

[baby_k]

I try to respond somehow now.

 

So, I really agree with @BabyPeach that sharing your ALL accounts is super bad idea and not necessary at all.

It's better to keep control of your finances. For shared costs I still sort of like the idea of shared account but that it would have quite small sum there for the costs can't be that big ( well, maybe if you had to get flights to the other side of planet? ).

 

Shared account/money, it can really cause drama with too different spending habits as @BabyPeach said and @crazycatdaddy proved with his experiences, and I think it is unnecessary to need to argue about spending and money mostly. So, strict rules on where one can spend it could maybe help with that? One thing I'm actually scared with shared accounts or just plain living with someone is that what if they have really different ideas with spending for I'm quite.... particular easily.

 

What both of you said about security, specially @crazycatdaddy, I really agree. Trusting way too much on person you have not even met is not a good idea. And really appreciate @crazycatdaddy sharing his experiences with divorce. Not all rels even get to marriage phase, and those can be really messy to sort for there is not as clear procedure as there is with divorce ( and the divorces can be super messy still ). Unfortunaly rare things last forever, so planning ahead for the situations where things end is necessary imo, even maybe not romantic. So, I would think sharing finances needs to be known risk, something one is willing to loose. Therefore I would think that shared account that only has small sum in could be the answer.

 

Thou I'n not sure what other possibilities one has? Like if I want to pay only part of some plane ticket, I can of course transfer the money to the other persons account ( or them to me, so I book the ticket ). But that has few issues @crazycatdaddy mentions: it can feel bit nasty for the other person to directly take money ( or this is my experience at least ).

 

I wonder how to make the lower income person be more alright with having the other person putting more money in? I normally try to rationalise things or say something is bd gift as those ease up situation. But specially being female, it doesnät seem always so easy for the male counter part to be in the position of having lower income. Because I want to live my life now, meaning I want to travel and have experinces NOW. And I prefer to share them with the partner instead of going alone just because they can't afford it right now. Also in LDR I like to meet often which means putting quite much money into plane tickets. And when thinking of the other party moving in with me... well, I would like them having as much experience of my country as possible, so they know if they really want to come here. Meaning they would need to travel here few times a year ( seasons change..... having experience of all different weather states is important imo ).

 

Err.... maybe I'm going off topic now too much

[Guest BabyPeach]

Tell him that. Tell him that you want to travel (and you WILL do it) but you don't want to go alone. Tell him how his being there will help you stay safe and have a good time. I mean, for god sake, human trafficking is HUGE. People should always try to travel as safely as possible. Tell him he spoils you in other ways......sex, cuddles, company, etc. When each season is coming up, tell him why you want him to visit. I'm sure there are special things you can show him each time of the year like the falling leaves or a festival or Christmas decorations in your city, etc.

 

If he still refuses to accept it, you will either have to cut ties or accept him for who he is and that isn't going to change or look at it through new eyes. In the modern world, a lot more women are making more than men. This isn't a bad thing. Money is money regardless of who brings it home or into the relationship. It will be the same if he moves to your city. Will you both have to stay in because he doesn't have the money for the activity? Because if he doesn't want your money to pay for things now, he won't want it to then either. I hope that he can relax and just enjoy it. There is nothing wrong with one person (whether male or female) paying more because both people will have a good time.

 

When I was around 19 years old, my best friend was male (he was gay.....we were just friends) had a lot of money. His parents were wealthy and he could basically get money whenever he wanted to for whatever he wanted. At first, it was a bit awkward for him to pay for everything most of the time, but I adjusted because he really did want MY company and he couldn't have always had it if we had to split it equally.

 

I hope that your guy is able to look at the situation with fresh eyes and not just how society taught him to. Tell him nobody has to know who pays more except for you two. It's personal anyway.

[Guest crazycatdaddy]

I have to admit I hadn't even thought about it from a gender point of view. I've known some women who were unhappy at the idea of having money spent on them, but you're right that there is still a societal expectation that's pretty deep seated that a man "should" be the breadwinner, and perhaps that's part of why I don't like taking money - on a subconscious level. Hard to say and I'd need to think about it, but that makes a lot of sense.

 

On a purely practical note, you indicated that you're in different countries. If that's the case, I'm increasingly sure that a joint bank account is going to be out of the question. Some business bank accounts work internationally, but for two people in two different countries to establish a joint account doesn't seem like it's something a bank would go for, even if the currency were the same. I'm happy to be corrected on that if I'm wrong though. Would something like PayPal be an option? If you had a shared PayPal login perhaps you could add money to that to be used jointly.

 

BabyPeach is 100% right when it comes to communication. If you have the money and desire to travel, do it! And tell him how much it matters to you to do it while you can. From my own experience, I was able to travel when I was in my late teens/early twenties, and unfortunately due to my health worsening I'm no longer in a position where I can. If I hadn't done those things when I was younger I would have missed out - perhaps permanently - on those experiences. What I'm saying is, don't let something like someone's stubbornness when it comes to money hold you back. Even if he feels uncomfortable about it initially, you could perhaps let him do things like buy you a souvenir or pay for a meal when you've bought the tickets and booked the hotel. If you show off how much you really love the snowglobe he bought you (seriously, every city seems to have snowglobes) then hopefully that'll go some way to making him feel better.

[baby_k]

Tell him that. Tell him that you want to travel (and you WILL do it) but you don't want to go alone. Tell him how his being there will help you stay safe and have a good time. I mean, for god sake, human trafficking is HUGE. People should always try to travel as safely as possible. Tell him he spoils you in other ways......sex, cuddles, company, etc. When each season is coming up, tell him why you want him to visit. I'm sure there are special things you can show him each time of the year like the falling leaves or a festival or Christmas decorations in your city, etc.

---

 

The human trafficking made me laugh, will definately be using that

 

All you said makes lot of sense and I'm thankful that you were able to put into words what I thinking but unable to really express. I don't need man to support me financially but I do "need" him emotionally, sexually, and just to have good time.

 

 

 

--

On a purely practical note, you indicated that you're in different countries. If that's the case, I'm increasingly sure that a joint bank account is going to be out of the question. Some business bank accounts work internationally, but for two people in two different countries to establish a joint account doesn't seem like it's something a bank would go for, even if the currency were the same. I'm happy to be corrected on that if I'm wrong though. Would something like PayPal be an option? If you had a shared PayPal login perhaps you could add money to that to be used jointly.

 

BabyPeach is 100% right when it comes to communication. If you have the money and desire to travel, do it! And tell him how much it matters to you to do it while you can. From my own experience, I was able to travel when I was in my late teens/early twenties, and unfortunately due to my health worsening I'm no longer in a position where I can. If I hadn't done those things when I was younger I would have missed out - perhaps permanently - on those experiences. What I'm saying is, don't let something like someone's stubbornness when it comes to money hold you back. Even if he feels uncomfortable about it initially, you could perhaps let him do things like buy you a souvenir or pay for a meal when you've bought the tickets and booked the hotel. If you show off how much you really love the snowglobe he bought you (seriously, every city seems to have snowglobes) then hopefully that'll go some way to making him feel better.

 

You could be right about the shared account. Need to try to figure it out somehow. I'm not really fan of Paypal because of their shady policies and polical hassling but something like that could maybe work.

 

Also your comment about travelling now, just big YES o_O I can travel now as I'm healthy and somewhat wealthy but who knows about the future. I don't want to regret things or miss out as you say ( and I'm btw happy for you that you didn't missout ).

[Yenwatte]

It's great that you're considering a shared account to manage your finances in your long-distance relationship. Have you considered other options besides Paypal, such as Venmo or Zelle?

[Cebakes]

On 5/11/2023 at 7:25 AM, Yenwatte said:

It's great that you're considering a shared account to manage your finances in your long-distance relationship. Have you considered other options besides Paypal, such as Venmo or Zelle?

I like this idea.

[gemmy]

I'm of the mind that finances don't need to be shared until (if) you live together. It seems like a mess waiting to happen otherwise.

I think for trips it's a good idea to make up a budget and agree to contribute X amount. In my own experience I've paid for flights while my ex arranged the hotel and fed us. For small amounts of money something like Cash App would work, especially if you have an allowance arrangement or one partner wants to buy the other dinner or something like that. I just really don't think a joint account is the way to go.

[PRMari]

On 5/5/2019 at 8:58 AM, Guest BabyPeach said:

I wouldn't share a bank account with someone I had an online relationship with. That could be discussed if one of us actually moved to live with the other. For me, if I live with someone, there would be a shared bank account for bills and expenses, but I would also maintain my own account. I will never be without my own money. I have tried combining all money in a mutual account before and when the spending habits of both people don't line up, there are big problems.  As far as one person makes more than the other, that would come into play with the shared costs. I feel the person who makes more should pay a higher percentage to balance things out.

 

I think it's fine to pay for the majority of flights, travel, etc. if you are much better off financially (just don't go into debt using credit cards or spending money you don't truly have). I also thinks it's fine to put "gift" or "fun" money and travel expenses for the other person into a mutual account. If you did create a mutual account, I would only use it for travel expenses and gifted or fun money. I would NEVER give someone access to all of my income/savings. I mean, let's face it....many people are a wolf in sheep's clothing. They aren't all nice and loving. Some people pretend to be that way to manipulate, and gain from, others.

 

Still, it's your own choice how you handle your finances. Everyone is different and we all live and learn along the way.

Yep - I agree.  I need to have my own money and I've been burned by an ex that almost left me with zero when I finally kicked him out.  I would not share my banking info with an online partner.

Disparity in income, hmmmm, that one is interesting.  If the person that has the bigger income has no consideration for the other that has less, then its not the right relationship, in my opinion.

Blessings and blessings,

Mari

[LongTimeMe]

You also need to be aware of international restrictions of cross border money transfers. In some countries it is not possible to allow non-resident persons to share a bank account (the UK being a point in case especially post-Brexit).