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Dealing with the stigma/Feeling like a creep


Mitch after Midnight

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Hey everyone!

 

I'm new to this forum, but I've been interacting with the community for about a year or two now via my tumblr blog which I use to share my thoughts on the dynamic.

 

However, I've gone radio silence for the past few months and I've only just now started to get back into it. The reason?

 

Every once in a while, I just happen to become really uncomfortable with my own thoughts and desires. I don't know what causes it, but ever so often I just start feeling like a creep, if you know what I mean.

 

I feel like it might be because the daddy-dom little-girl dynamic still seems to have some sort of a social stigma in this day and age, with the first thing coming to mind for many vanilla types is the stereotype of older men chasing after young girls, and boys sliding into girls DMs asking if they can be their Daddy.

And I know the opposite is true more often than not. I've seen plenty of very beautiful and very close relationships bloom out of this dynamic, bonding on a level that you just wouldn't find that often on a vanilla level.

 

 

And I do agree that this dynamic is between two consenting adults and it should be no one else's concern what they do, but some times, when I see the community get a bad rep because of fake caregivers and littles, there's this doubt that just mercilessly start gnawing at me.

Am I a creep as well? Am I wrong wanting to chase a relationship like this?

 

So I was wondering if other people here have experienced the same thing? Have you ever felt uncomfortable with your own needs and desires? How do you deal with it?

I hope I made some sense, I'm not entirely awake yet, haha!

 

TL;DR: I have these periods of becoming incredibly insecure about my ddlg-related interests and I'm wondering if anyone else has similar feelings at times.

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Guest Relentlessoptimist

You aren't a creep. Because you are self reflecting it's a good indication that you will keep a level head. Not chasing underage girls, or being an extreme person in the lifestyle os also just the bottom of what it takes to have a healthy relationship style.

 

What you are and have been at war with inside yourself is cognitive dissonance. What you feel and may be aroused by isnt the standard thing that society or your own beliefs say it should be. So your mind swins and in your case you've been in a terrible holding pattern on the ledge (neither diving in or giving up.)

 

From personal experience, I've been there.

I felt bad for being aroused by subs being treated like objects by doms, and different porn like that.

 

But that dynamic alone didnt make me feel like me. Because I also wanted to nurture my other half in a future submissive relationship. I've dealt with that for years. Then I came across ddlg, was turned on and confused by that style of porn because it was cute more often instead of violent or more traditional kinky. And I came across this forum and so many wonderful people here.

 

And I embraced it (been here only 1 week but). I've made quite a few friends and I regularly talk to a little that I'm on good terms with them and their daddy (and will talk w him soon.)

Everyone in the chat room has been so nice and playful.

So I embraced this side of myself. (A medical condition in my life which is just about corrected also wreaked havoc with my hormones).

But I'm all in. This is what I want. I want to love someone so deeply, so completely, and build them up to be strong while we live in some form of d/s dynamic. I hope I can have that with my wife and will figure that out with her in the future.

 

But as long as you see being a new daddy dom/mommy domme, or little as the start of the journey and embrace yourself. It is beautiful. I keep feeling this pulsing energy deep down throughout the day. I made another friend and we are writing a kinky fantasy story (that is super r rated.. or what's higher than r...). And the words and ideas just flowed so well.

 

I've started to embrace this dominant energy, I'm starting to talk differently, act differently (confident, assertive, still polite). I think different. And I want to bring my wife into this lifestyle and take some responsibility away from her and onto my shoulders so she can relax and we can heal our marriage and build something new and beautiful.

 

Part of this journey is embracing who you are. And it will feel unreal. Your head might feel like you are swimming and something deep inside of you is unlocked that gives you satisfaction and is at the core of your being, but you never realized that because it was covered with the regular life and thoughts of how life should be, not what arouses your soul and calls it to action.

 

Personally, I think if I could have someone in this lifestyle as my SO (wife or new future relationship after my relationship ends only), then I would want a princess. Dress her up in super cute clothes and make her mine. And I have now accepted that.

 

Because of this place, I make the distinction between cute/beautiful being okay, and kids and being cute being a separate category. I walked past elsa / Anna hair clips and I wanted to buy them for my wife (she loves disney). I wanted to buy her frozen coloring books and other things, and its okay.

 

People here get in touch with an softer side of themselves that does remind them of childhood. Maybe because they just like it, maybe because it was the last time they felt safe. Maybe because they work in a super stressful job where they have ti be assertive day after day and they just like to pretend for a bit that they are 5 and have nothing to worry about.

 

There is no right or wrong. It's you, I encourage you to try to find out what that tou looks like and see if you can accept it. What comes after is a wonderful mental change, being drawn to your deeper self. And having your needs fulfilled while also giving back to your SO. So best wishes to you. You are perfectly normal. You'll be fine.

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Guest Sunshinekitty

Wow, Relentlessoptimist, that was beautiful.

 

And on the other side of things--we littles absolutely have moments where we think we shouldn't want to be or act little or dress the way we do or call someone daddy or mommy (or <insert CG name here>). We purge our stuff, hide what we like from others and ourselves, and basically try to tamp down the urges we have.

 

In some ways, I think it's harder for the ABDL's because they are so separated from the "adult" version we're supposed to live in while being attracted to those things.

 

Finding a safe space to be little is hard. People abuse our gentle innocent natures and try to take advantage of who we are and how we respond.

 

The fact that some of us are sexual as little...well, that doesn't help in making you bigs feel like creeps, either. But you aren't. We like what we like, and as long as we do it in the context of an adult consensual relationship, we are doing NOTHING wrong.

 

That's what we need to remember as we explore who we are in our sexuality--enjoying a relationship AS consenting adults is legal, desirable, and what we do in the private spaces of our own home, bedrooms, and other places we interact as consenting adults--is our own damned business and perfectly fine.

 

Let me restate that again: Consensual adult relationships are GOOD. That is all.

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Thank you both for the wonderful replies so far! I'm glad that I'm not the only one who thinks like this.

 

You aren't a creep. Because you are self reflecting it's a good indication that you will keep a level head. Not chasing underage girls, or being an extreme person in the lifestyle os also just the bottom of what it takes to have a healthy relationship style.

What you are and have been at war with inside yourself is cognitive dissonance. What you feel and may be aroused by isnt the standard thing that society or your own beliefs say it should be. So your mind swins and in your case you've been in a terrible holding pattern on the ledge (neither diving in or giving up.)

 

I feel like you pretty much nailed it. I have this best friend and she absolutely loathes anything that has to do with DD/LG - mostly because of past experiences (She used to run a fairy kei/lolita blog and every other day there were wannabe-'Daddies' in her inbox.) and I think if she found out that I'm interested in this dynamic, she'd probably drop me like a brick haha.

Although I have to say I already have been diving in. I did go on dates with a few Littles already, for example (though it never did go anywhere), and I have no trouble talking to other members of the community on my blog that I have been running for a few years now. The past 6 years or so I went through a complete metamorphosis, when I went to a shy, quiet and nerdy kid to a confident and social man so that change you talked about I already went through. But yeah, every once in a while, it seems like I get overloaded and my head needs to do a total system reboot, and what happens is that I temporarily lose all interest in engaging with the kink.

 

 

Finding a safe space to be little is hard. People abuse our gentle innocent natures and try to take advantage of who we are and how we respond.

 

The fact that some of us are sexual as little...well, that doesn't help in making you bigs feel like creeps, either. But you aren't. We like what we like, and as long as we do it in the context of an adult consensual relationship, we are doing NOTHING wrong.

 

Yeah I think I might be just feeling incredibly uncomfortable sharing the title of 'Daddy' or 'Caregiver' with those who want nothing to do with the dynamic and just want an easy fuck. Sometimes I just really prefer calling myself just a 'Caregiver', because that's my priority. I joined the community because I want to find someone I can intimately give care to. Sex is the bonus that comes with it. 

And whenever I see one of those people play pretend and hurting other people I pray to God hoping that I don't come across like that. Don't get me wrong, I do have my kinks and interests, but I try to keep them to myself as much as I can or express them by using art or writing. 

 

And that's what I always tell my friend as well whenever she goes on another tangent about DD/LG. There are some kinks and fetishes I really do not agree with either, but it's kept consensual and within the four walls of your home, it's not any of my concern.

 

 

 

Anyway, thanks for replying! It's nice being able to talk with people about this issue! I've tried to bring it up to other people before but I don't think I received the same understanding as I do here!

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Sunshine Kitty is absolutely right!, Mr. Mitch. There are so many times I shove all of my little things to the back of the closet, lock my sippies away, and threaten my dollies and stuffies that I’ll sell them if they don’t stop being so cute. It’s hard having a part of yourself that seems unorthodox. I think it’s safe to say that we all go through bouts of repression about these facets of ourselves. It’s okay. You are NOT alone. And oddly enough, reading this made me feel better about the cognitive dissonance I often feel that Relentless Optimist talked about. It’s okay not to want to be a daddy sometimes. I often don’t want to be a little. Starting college in a really hard field and my preconceived notions of growing up is always fighting my urge to want to be taken care of. But this is what I’ve found: You are not weird. There are hundreds of thousands of well-intentioned people who think like us. You are not crazy. You don’t have some sick, demented part of you that has some terrible proclivity. Being a Daddy is NOT all you are. Nor is it some part of you that you can just wish away. You are you and that’s what makes you great! It’s not going anywhere and the sooner you learn to accept that you are a Daddy and you like it, the more at peace you’ll feel.
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Being a Daddy is NOT all you are. Nor is it some part of you that you can just wish away. You are you and that’s what makes you great! It’s not going anywhere and the sooner you learn to accept that you are a Daddy and you like it, the more at peace you’ll feel.

 

I really do love the supportive replies in this thread. I also really do hope that anyone else who happens to be dealing with the same thoughts  takes our lovely community members' advice as well!

Being a Caregiver is something I really do wanna commit to so badly, and I can't wait until I can. It's such a difficult thing, really. I wish the dynamic wasn't as stigmatized as it is. All I really want to do is give care to a cute girl, and I personally don't think that sounds as bad as people make it out to be. 

I'm honestly glad I joined this community and received so much understanding. At times you really feel alone in the world with all these feelings you don't know what to do with.

But I do know that these feelings are part of me, and even though it might be difficult feeling this way at times, it's who I am and what I want to be! And like you guys said, there should be nothing wrong with being who you are. 

 

I received some responses that did linger with me when I announced on my blog that I'd be taking a break from the DD/LG community for a while to get my bearings. Some responses along the lines of that if I really did want to be a Caregiver, you'd have to be a Caregiver 24/7. I guess that's from people who were taking my blog a bit too seriously I guess, but I always viewed the dynamic as a two-way road. You give care, and you get some back. And I guess the fact that other people might have been thinking differently about that really threw me off for a while.

 

TL;DR: Feelings are confusing. Imma sell them on Craigslist cuz aint nobody got time for this 

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Guest Relentlessoptimist

You are still in some form of a relationship in a ddlg friendship or relationship. A healthy one has good communication, people treating each other well. Talking about each others wants and needs and seeing if there is harmony to form deeper bonds w each other.

 

It also means taking care of yourself, your mental and emotional and hopefully physical healthy. And if you can do that for someone else too that's beautiful. But it's not a 24/7 obligation. The best relationships and friendships should exist because both partners in that dynamic want to be there. And there is no one true style because we are all different and approach things differently. So if you have to step back for your sake, you do what you have to do, hopefully w class and grace (as we all have feelings).

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Guest Relentlessoptimist

You are still in some form of a relationship in a ddlg friendship or relationship. A healthy one has good communication, people treating each other well. Talking about each others wants and needs and seeing if there is harmony to form deeper bonds w each other.

 

It also means taking care of yourself, your mental and emotional and hopefully physical healthy. And if you can do that for someone else too that's beautiful. But it's not a 24/7 obligation. The best relationships and friendships should exist because both partners in that dynamic want to be there. And there is no one true style because we are all different and approach things differently. So if you have to step back for your sake, you do what you have to do, hopefully w class and grace (as we all have feelings).

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you everyone for all the contributions above.

 

I am now 51yo. I have been tracking BDSM for 30 years. When I first came across BDSM, to join a group felt dirty or wrong. Now it just feels like part of everyday life.

 

My parents gave me a good private education in the UK. I went to university. I got married had children and lived the vanilla lifestyle.

 

In 2014, my father passed away, since then I have had very serious mental health issues resulting in me having to make some serious lifestyle changes in my life.

 

I am a self employed arable farmer in the UK. We have one full time employee who is our farm manager (fm), The fm now has the total responsibility for the business. The fm is happier because he wants more responsibility, I am happier because I want less responsibility.

 

Strangely, the one serious issue in my life was my marriage. That became apparent to me when two psychologists and a hypnotherapist all wanted to see my wife and me together but nothing could be arranged. Why?

 

In the UK the farm office tends to be in the farm house.

 

We had two children who were born with mental health disabilities. Quite simply our children are NOT supported by the UK education system. So, my ex is home educating our two children with my financial and moral support.

 

So, please think again of my marriage, the farm office is based in the family home as is my wife and two children. I personally could not cope with the pressure of looking after two children 24/7 and the stress of running a family farming business. So, I have been living separately from my ex for two years now and feel so much happier for it.

 

In the last month, I have met on this forum a lovely LG who I would like to spend the rest of my life with. The ddlg dynamic is very deep and meaningful to me.

 

From what I see as a 51 year old, most people in the Ddlg community are under 25. So, I wonder if there have been a huge number of children in the last 10 years who felt unsupported by their parents because of the introduction of the Internet.

 

This is only my personal opinion, so please say whether you agree or disagree with what I have written.

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Guest Relentlessoptimist

There are quite a few people here who are older than 25. I'm mid 30's and I know quite a few littles that are my age or older here.

 

When I was in my teens I has a close friend who would've have identified as a little back then if I had understood the term at the time.

 

I also knew quite a few people who had pacifiers but I think that was mostly related to mdma.

 

I dont think being a little is more prevalent, I just think it's a mindset that people fall into because it was a trusting time of their life and they enjoy getting back into that headspace.

 

It's likely it was just as common in the past, the internet just allowed people of the similar mindset to connect and accept this side of themselves.

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