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in need of relationship-advice


spillingfluids

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I’ll provide some background. Apologies in advance for any spelling issues or incorrect grammar, I’m a little high right now.This is about my current partner. We both met when I was 12 and she was around 13 or 14. We were very close, and would do everything together. We started dating when I was 15, and she was 16. We’re both transgender, and we supported each other throughout the few years we were together with each other’s physical and social transitioning. I had never shared the same experiences with her with anyone else, and that applies today, as well. I moved in with her when I was 17, while her parents paid the rent until either of us could get a stable-enough job to pay it. I am currently in the 12th grade of high school. We planned on getting married in a few years, finishing education and our physical transitioning with surgery.

 

Though regarding cgl, I got into it less than a year ago, when she expressed to me that she was a little, and that she hadn’t told me prior because she thought that it was an uncomfortable topic. I thought it was extremely weird at first, but I learned to become enough of the cg she wanted me to be. I know some of you may laugh at the thought of a 18 year old daddy dom, I probably would too and I don’t really compare myself to a more experienced cg. However I do aspire to eventually be one, and engage in it as much as possible. On a daily basis, I supported her through her little space and played the role she wanted me to, and I was very happy to. I’ve always been a bit of a switch, so keeping up the dominant role permanently was rather difficult for me. Recently, I’ve been trying out getting into little space myself and I’ve really found a part of myself that I didn’t know I possessed.

 

The issue itself began when she thought that there was something a little wrong with me if I found it okay to sometimes have a bit more of a submissive role, because for some reason she ties submission with womanhood/being a female, and asked me repeatedly why it didn’t cause me gender dysphoria to play such a role. I tried explaining to her that you didn’t have to be a woman to even at times be submissive, but she had a hard time with it. It got a lot worse when we started talking about her possibly being a mommy dom, and she would break down and have an emotional outburst, accusing me of trying to make her dysphoric and that "being a caregiver is a man’s job" and it made her very upset. I’ve stopped bringing it up since then due to the fear of hurting her more than I already had from this experience.

 

Yesterday, I caught her texting someone else. It seemed like someone from her class, or who she saw often, and the content itself of the messages seemed to me more intimate than just a friendship. If it had just been that, wouldn’t she had told me? She referred to him as "daddy" a couple times and would vent to him. She would tell him the things she wouldn’t tell me to my face, and it hurt.

 

I don’t know how to feel. I love her with all my heart, it’d break me if we were to stray apart. I don’t care if she doesn’t end up being a cg to me and I am a permanent daddy dom to her, for the sake of us being together. I just wish she was more open, I don’t know. I wish she’d tell me if I was inadequate, if I could be doing better. Not just giving up. I need advice as to what I should do, as I’m really struggling with it right now. I’ve been too anxious to sit down with her and talk it through, and what I’d even say. I may be taking this more to the extreme than some as I have bpd and extreme abandonment issues, I honestly don’t know what to do. Even if we have to get over this, I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

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Yikes.

 

firs things first your feeling are real, do not let anyone tell you otherwise, i can tell you now that what is going on is not ok your partner seems pretty confused and seems to be taking something arguably unrelated that being dysphoria and using that as a way either concsiously or not to stop you feeling natural being who you want to be, a switch

 

submissive and dominant traits do not have a gender men and women can be attracted to either or or one or the other or both there is no rule book

 

also i dont see any mention anywhere of if you two discussed boundaries or even if you two are monogamous or not but i believe it is safe to assume you both are and to many doms, their submissive calling another person "daddy" is the same as emotional cheating so if she is not aware of your feelings already i would come right out with it because of this one reason, you two have been through a hell of alot together why let this stop you? if you tow are ment to be she will hear you out

 

explain to her you are not okay with her talking to another person as if they are her daddy and explain to her that your switch preferances are not linked to femininity or masculinity, its just what you like and if she chooses to only interact with the dominant side of you then that is her choice but she doesent get to tell you how to live your life just because she doesent react to it well

 

its a bit of a ranty topic but i dislike people who become upset or offended over the lifestyle or habits of people when it has no bearing or effect on them

 

i hope i was able to help, i honetly believe you need to draw some boundaries and dig your heels in, she may not be as bad as she sounds in reality as what your post alludes to  but i wont lie i dont live a lifestyle or interact with people like that to even be able to  advise on how to approach the topics you care this deeply about

 

TL;DR: she is probably unintentionally manipulating you with her "dysphoria" grievance, you should set up boundaries and make it clear you are not okay with how she talks to other peopls and how you are expected to change your kinks and lifestyle to suit her.

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Thank you so much, I really needed that.

also i hope you understand that i didnt say what i said from a place of hate i just personally believe everyone regardless of what they believe or how they live desserves respect and acceptance and sometimes you need to push politics aside and be real with someone, im a firm believer that you should be able to live your best life without judgements but dont hurt or shackle others with your outlook which is why that whole "submissive tendancies are feminine" thing got under my skin, even if it was feminine.. who the fuck cares like seriously what mentally grounded adult human cares

 

lol the conclusion to this is

be you, dont let people use tricks and blackmail to shame or force you to hide

and fuck stereotypes.

Edited by Aetherr
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I was umming and erring about how to respond to this topic, but Aetherr has pretty much summed it up exactly. If you aren't feeling your 100% genuine self, then a conversation needs to be had. And boundaries need to be reset. 

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Aetherr pretty much summed it all up. Dominance and submission is entirely genderless. There are some awesome dominant women out there and it doesn't make them manly at all. It's just who they are and they are strong women and can be as feminine as it gets and still rock their dominance. Just as it doesn't make a man any less of a man if he wants to submit. Who are we to judge or ridicule a man for wanting to submit to a woman he finds beautiful and amazing in all kinds of ways? Good for him! We're in a time where people are starting to realize and be more accepting that things don't have to be gender locked at all. They can be fluid and unisex. She's holding on to VERY old stereotypes, or as was said before, just using gender dysphoria as an excuse to manipulate you. It's entirely okay if she is 100% submissive and not at all a switch. What isn't okay that she makes you feel bad for being a switch. You definitely need a chat with her and figure out what's really going on here. If she's calling someone else Daddy and you didn't give her consent or have a conversation about that then it needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. I know you two have been together for quite a while, and a big chunk of your young life so that might make this feel exponentially harder if she is your first love. I think a problem with finding love so young is that people change a ton in their teenage years and 20's while they discover themselves and really form who they are as a person. Keep that in mind as time goes on, that you two may start to feel differently and go in other directions on things. You can work through them if you're both willing to cooperate. However, it may be possible that this was only meant to be a chapter of your life and that you two might have to move on to other things if she continues on the path she's on right now. You deserve every happiness, and hers isn't the only happiness that matters here.

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She is more conservative than me, I suppose.

The fact that a trans person has the idea that certain traits are solely masculine or feminine is pretty weird tbh

Edited by spillingfluids
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