Doubts about dating in the ddlg world.

[Littlecutecookie]

*trigger warning*

 

I'm a little who has been abused mentally, physically, emotionally. I have PTSD and a panic disorder.

With these issues I struggle to find someone to trust... 90% of "daddies" I've met only want the obvious. They aren't capable of having an actual talk, to get to know each other, to have a bond.

Is this normal? I know I'm not easy to deal with because of my insecurities and mental health, I know that but... is it normal in ddlg for people to jump in right away?

I'm feeling seriously down because of this. I've always seen ddlg as much more than just sex. I see it as something that needs tons of trust and a special bond. How can you do that without knowing each other?

Really need some insight on this

And for littles that struggle with this, how do you try to find daddies? How do you cope mentally? 

 

[LittleAndStitch]

Is this normal? I have experienced that as well. I'm a bit new to this lifestyle but from what I've gathered so far, no it absolutely is not normal. In the short time I've been here, I've had a few over-eager doms try to get way too comfortable, way too soon. Usually when that happens, I tell them I'm not interested in whatever they're trying to pursue and I remove them from my friends list. Even though some Doms and Littles are very sexual, it's never appropriate to jump into the sexual side of things right away (except if there's a mutual understanding that the interaction is supposed to be sexual). Everyone, even outside of ddlg relationships, should be capable of having regular non-sexual conversations. 

I see it as something that needs tons of trust and a special bond. How can you do that without knowing each other? I would recommend  taking things nice and slow, and telling them your needs and expectations at the forefront. 

how do you try to find daddies? Personally, I don't actively pursue relationships. I feel that if a connection needs to happen, it will. So I can't be much help in that department, sorry.

How do you cope mentally?  Meditation and grounding. This is how I cope with just about anything. It's very effective for me, but I understand that it's not for everyone.

 

I really hope this helped and I pray things get better for you!

[Guest Oligoclase]

As someone else who's new to this, and to add to LittleAndStitch's post, consider asking them what it means to them to be a daddy and what a date might look like when you're in littlespace. How and what they respond to these questions might give you some idea about what they're expecting from the relationship. 

[Little kaiya]

DDlg relationships although different from other relationships still need the same things, mutual respect, honesty, communication, trust, etc. If someone is jumping right into sexual elements and that makes you uncomfortable then it is a pretty clear sign there is probably an incompatibility issue. Some people do jump in right away and that may work for them but it doesn't mean you have to do the same.

 

For some people DDlg is more about sex, for others it's about a deep emotional non-sexual bond and for others it's a combination of the two. Personally that deep emotional bond is really important to me but it's also still a sexually intimate relationship between my Daddy and I as well.

 

Personally, I never went looking for a Daddy. We met at a furry conference, ended up dating, explored D/s before we agreed on and had a collaring ceremony and then we added DDlg as our relationship continued to grow over the past two and a half years.

 

As for coping mentally, i use the same techniques i use for anything in my life, mental reflection and listening to music and talking things through with my Wife and with my Daddy/boyfriend.

[Alaskan Daddy]

There are a lot of men who are 'master manipulators' and call themselves ' a daddy'. There are many littles such as yourself and these men seek you out as easy prey. I think there are times where all of  us want to be loved so bad that we get blinders and jump into a relationship too fast. These so called daddy's are very good at sensing that and try to take advantage of a littles struggles and use that to satisfy their sexual urges. My advice too anyone no matter if you are a daddy or a littles (especially a little) is to be careful and make your potential partner earn any thing you give them. 

My point for you is to take things slow and allow things to happen naturally. Find out if the daddy you are chatting with can give you the emotional care you desire or need before things escalate sexually. Don't be afraid to politely end chatting with someone who does not respect your wishes or boundaries. 

I am sure there is a daddy out there who understands your struggles and can give you the love and care you need and desire.

I have been a daddy to a few littles that have had similar struggles like you have. I always separate their struggles from who there are inside their heart. It allows me to be patient when their struggles come out, because I know that is not who they are inside their heart but only what they struggle with. In my mind this is what DDLG is all about. The sex part is the easy part and takes the least amount of effort. Actually taking the time to understand a little and using that understanding to give her the emotional love and care she needs takes a lot of time and effort but it is also the most rewarding. If you can find a daddy who will do that with you then I feel you will have found the happiness you seek.

I hope my words have helped you and good luck

[Guest SpaceGhost]

I feel like a lot of people in this kink "jump in" because they have a strong need for attention or validation for whatever myriad of reasons, plus the excitement at the prospect of finding someone with the same kink/interests. A lot of people, especially online, are looking for a quick fix of attention or getting off then don't want to put in the effort.

To be fair it's not only an issue with cgl, normal online dating is much the same. People have endless possibilities at their finger tips and at least some form of anonymity. So unfortunately is pretty normal to be talking to multiple people, be flaky, or just not put in effort. And most that do that don't realize it's their own downfall in finding happiness.

Another reason males may just want to "jump in" is because they want to lock something down. Dating online is notoriously difficult for most men, so I can see those who have troubles wanting to move things along quickly.

Honestly most advice just comes down to being cautiously optimistic, not being afraid to set up healthy boundaries, being forward with exactly want you want, putting in effort, and not trying to force something that isn't working or you know won't work.

Edited June 4, 2020 by SpaceGhost

[Baby Bunny Boo]

It varies alot speaking from someone who just got tired of a LOT of bs. Sometimes you gotta realize its not worth putting yourself through turmoil again and again. If very little good is coming from this its better to step away. Maybe a few days or weeks. Either way sometimes you gotta leave.

[fragilelittlefaery]

I have been a little for many years and this is 99% of the time what I experience and it’s also what I tell people I am not looking for. I have met very few people that want to take things slowly and actually talk and even fewer that if they do start talking that don’t refer to themselves as “Daddy” and start constantly hinting that we’re together within the first few days.

 

I too have mental and physical health issues as well as being plus size. I make sure to be upfront about these things so no one tries to turn around and call me a liar. It is very difficult to find a Daddy who will just talk and learn to get to know me. And even harder who will accept me as I am because I am not what they view as little (i.e. petite, fair skinned, and easily manipulated)

 

In saying all that I know there are some Daddies our there that know how to carry on conversations. That know it’s important and necessary to be friends first and always. And there are Daddies out there that accept littles who are different. Whether that difference is a mental or physical illness. Or race or size or gender. Those Daddies may be harder to find but that do exist. If you find one make sure to cherish them. I hope all of us still struggling to find our true hearts love, find them and can live and happy healthy life full of love.

[princessfreckles]

Sadly it's normal. Dudebros think that just because they like to be called Daddy during sex means they're a daddy. Definitely not true. Ignore those guys, they don't deserve you, your time, or most importantly your trust. 

 

Do some people jump in right away? Some do. I have a couple of friends who are officially Caregiver and little after only chatting for a few weeks. Others I know go through the under consideration phase (kink equivalent of courting) for weeks or even months before making things official. I'm more of the second type of person. I've been hurt a lot (including by two previous "daddies" , I use that term very loosely for those two), and it takes me a very long time to trust some one, let alone some one who will be taking the responsibility of being my caregiver. You need to take your time getting to know some one really well, especially with some one who you'll be vulnerable with. You can't trust some one you barely know, at least I don't think so. 

 

CG/l is way more than sex. The little is trusting the caregiver. The Caregiver is taking on the responsibility to care for that little. Trust has to be earned. I've had meaningless sex, I've never had fulfilling sex where there is a deep connection before. I definitely get what you're saying. You want meaningful sex where there is a foundation of trust. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Sadly it may take a while to find that genuine connection. It would take a while in the vanilla world, adding in kink makes it more difficult. 

 

What can you do? Keep weeding out the fuckboys. It's annoying and tedious. I get that, but be patient and wait for the right Daddy. If you get frustrated and overwhelmed, maybe take a step back from your search. It can be beneficial to take a break from looking for the right person. Talk to more littles, connecting here is great. I've found most littles are super supportive of one another. As soon as your state opens up and munches in your area pick back up, go there. Munches can be scary, but I promise they aren't. You'll meet some amazing people who will share their knowledge and you can learn so much. More than likely you'll make connections with people (not necessarily with potential Daddies), but with those who can help you vet (check out, make sure he's not a jerkface) a potential Daddy. You may meet a Daddy at a local event, but other littles go to munches. So you could make friends (maybe have playdates). Seriously having other little friends IRL is fun. Being around them instantly puts me in little space. 

 

I hope this is helpful!