Feeling free for the first time in forever
Posted 12 January 2021 - 07:09 PM
The last few days have been a whirlwind of emotion for me as I've undergone a deep transformation of understanding myself and it is literally changing everything about my life, and here I am with no one to talk to about it except for a message board of people who don't know me at all. And my daddy of course, but this is all new to him too. Kind of.
It's only kind of new to us because little did we know that both of us have been absolutely repressing this (mostly out of ignorance...not understanding that this lifestyle exactly was a possibility or that we wanted it). But as I've read multiple times and also finally fully understand, a daddy is a daddy and a little is a little. We found each other without realizing what we were and thats wonderful because we're starting this journey together coming from a place of 5 years of marriage and true friendship. We enjoy each other's companionship completely, but for both of us that wasn't all and we never knew why. The day I met him I told my best friend I'd be marrying him, and he woo'd me completely off my feet by looking at me like no one ever has, chopping wood for me (I had a wood burning stove) to keep me warm, fixing things around the place I was staying at, making me food. He wasn't trying to woo me at all, he just liked me so much he wanted to do nice things for me and I'd never met anyone like that. Obviously I now understood that this spoke to his deep desire to nurture a little and my deep desire to be taken care of. We lived 8 happy years of marriage in a regular, vanilla fashion, putting a bandaid on needs that we didn't know we had. We couldn't see it, so we didn't miss it exactly, but at least for me as soon as I found the term little I knew it was who I was, and I was scared. I also have OCD. I guess that's not surprising. It seems that a lot of littles have anxiety disorders.(If this is a misunderstanding I apologize, it just seems to be a trend) I know my daddy is the only thing in the world that calms me down when I'm spiraling (and keeps track of my meds). But anyway, all my life people have called me "Little ____" People did this to my first name in high school for no reason, and then, when I joined the army, they did it to my last name. My husband has *always* called me little wife. I asked people all the time why people did that to me, I'm not incredibly skinny or short, pretty average sized. Someone once told me "It's not how you look exactly, it's just the way that you are." I was baffled. What does that mean? How can I just be little?
I stumbled upon it on the internet a few days ago and it smacked me in the face. I just am. I always am. I always have been. So I talk to my husband and we start googling together and Im secretly freaking out because surely now our marriage is over because he and I both think the daddy "kink" is super gross and we are respectable adults both of us thank you and we only like adults MR FBI MAN. So surely since I basically brought him this and he now sees that I am little I am now disgusting and even if he tries to enjoy it for a while, for me it's a universal truth. I can't go back to a regular life now that I know how badly I need a daddy. I suppose part of me knew I already had one because I brought it up to him at all, but I was still so full of needless anxiety. Anxiety I'll never have to feel again, because now I truly know I can tell my daddy anything.
Obviously he didn't think I was crazy. At all. He was into it. Not like something we could choose but something we just were. He always took care of me, but even now that we've just started our new exploration of this, my life feels like it's in an entirely different direction.
Before I felt guilty all the time that I couldn't just be a normal adult who takes care of herself. I felt stupid that I like to do little girl things and purposely avoided lacy beautiful lolita things I wanted to wear because I knew I would really like it and afraid my husband who knows me so well would see it and realize I'm a freak. I didn't even know I was doing that but I definitely was. But he is such a freaking Daddy that his instinct was of course to calm me down and explain to me that just like me, he didn't understand the dynamic but what I was basically asking for was a dream to him as well. My life is basically a DDLG romance novel rn. In a way we've known each other since we were just babies, but in a way were learning to explore each other and be more open with each other and ourselves and fulfill something we both wanted so bad but didn't know how to ask for. I feel so free, so fresh, so protected, so loved, so safe, I am so much happier now that we understand who we are.
ANYWAY had to let that out, thanks for coming to my Tedtalk
Posted 12 January 2021 - 07:58 PM
First, welcome to the Forum! I think you will like it here
Second, thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. It is amazing to hear how people come to realize that they have a Caregiver or a little inside of them. I am so happy that this is something that you and your partner can explore together. It can really bring a whole new level of intimacy to your already strong relationship.
I look forward to reading more posts from you on the various topics on this site; I am sure you have lots to say and lots of questions too. You will find a wealth of information and wisdom on here and hopefully some really great friendships too!
Hope to see you around the forum and in the chatroom!
“Are you learning me by heart, little Sara?" he said, stroking her hair.
"No," she answered. "I know you by heart. You are inside my heart.”
~ Frances Hodgson Burnett ~ A Little Princess ~
Posted 13 January 2021 - 12:50 PM
Welcome to the forum and the lifestyle.
It was nice reading the story of your discovery of who you are. Thanks for sharing.
Most of my deepest darkest secrets are a result of what I would do for a Klondike bar.
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