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Actual commitment in DDlg


Mischa

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I still feel fairly new to this lifestyle. I have been a submissive for several years but recently understood I am a little. I have had two experiences being committed to a Daddy/Dom and both left me feeling hurt an abandoned. One was secretly married and the other just vanished. Literally no issues or signs. It was a typical happy day of video calls and making plans to visit and nothing odd or off. He just was gone. Email deleted completely. No sign of his existence except his account on Fet. that seems to still be there.

It makes me wonder if his story or life was completely a lie also.

 

My question is : Does anyone really take this seriously or is it all a fun game? I want a full lifestyle, committed relationship, 24/7 relationship. I feel I get messages of people wanting hookups and being vulgar before they even say hello, or they take the time and out in the effort and get me to trust them d al if a sudden they have a life already and I was the little secret.

 

Is this a normal occurrence? How do you weed out the fake people and the out for a fun game or out to toy with you people from someone who truly wants all I have to offer? I would make some Daddy soooo very happy and so proud of me! I just don’t want to become resentful and assume everyone is the same. I just have had two out of two bad experiences. It sucks.

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My Daddy and I have been together for four years in a committed, lifestyle relationship and are talking about getting married with my Wife officiating. There are definitely people out there who want this type of relationship and are serious about it.

 

That said, finding that person takes time. My Daddy and I didn't move to a Daddy/little relationship right away, it took time. People seem to want to jump into a DDlg dynamic very, very quickly after meeting. Each to their own but my Daddy and I have observed that for a lot of people who do that things also fall apart just as quickly.

 

As to how to weed out incompatible people, take your time and get to really know them. Ask questions, spend time face to face or on video. Don't rush. Long lasting relationships are rarely, I wont say never, formed quickly.

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Hi Mischa.

 

That sounds frustrating and it makes sense to feel some kind of resentment/distress after experiencing that. You seem to be someone with a big heart and you know what you want.

 

This is what I learned from my experience:, we communicate to people about what we want and it is on them to be honest.

 

And when you see their true colors or catch them in a lie like this, they are unsure about what they want. You deserve someone who is on the same page as you, who understands what you want/values, who have the same ones, and who will cherish and support you. And things have to be mutual, you do your part and they do their part. And in this case, they did not pull through and you definitely don’t wanna be in a relationship where you have to do all the work to make it survive.

 

I was once with someone who love to disappear when we were on and off for three years until one point I was just so over it and exhausted. My lesson learned: You want a 24/7 committed relationship with someone … visualize it… it may take trial and error and note that I don’t quantify how long or how many attempts.

 

The beauty about knowing what you want and being aware of your goals/ values enables you to advocate for yourself, and when you advocate for yourself and stand up for yourself, it’s one of the best types of self-love out there.

When you were hurt/felt unheard, knowing the power of advocating for yourself, putting up a fight to go after what you want (nothing less than what you want) ignites a fire in you filled with passion and love for YOUR existence.

 

As for the reason why people would lie and toy with our emotions, it is natural to want to understand and get some kind of closure. Most of the time, the reason is a problem that runs deep, it could be that this person is not confident/assertive to communicate what they are looking for or not willing to be honest, and there may be some insecurities in the mix. So whatever the reason is, it has nothing to do with you personally, things that people say and do have to do with the way they feel. Lying to you about being married and the other one who just disappeared obviously got some problems… That you most definitely don’t have to address because it’s not your problem.

 

When you’re in a relationship, you give a little of yourself to that person, so take this time to focus on self-love, keeping promises every day to yourself even if it’s just drinking water each morning or doing a relaxing activity each day.

You see when you’re with that person, there’s a routine, a certain time of day when you would always be talking to them or having schedule calls or video calls or chats. So fill those vacancies with some kind of emotional connection either with yourself, with friends, with pets, with your family, heck even with music.

 

Reach out to me if you would like to talk.

 

With Love

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I'm gonna have to agree with Kaiya here. A few days isn't enough time. A few weeks isn't enough time. Heck, sometimes even months isn't enough time. Unfortunately, this is the internet and an absurd number of people are just around to use anyone and everyone for instant gratification.

 

My personal standard is that I need to know someone beyond the "honeymoon phase" before I'd even consider negotiating a dynamic. The amount of time that takes can vary just because everyone is different. You know how when you first meet someone that comes off like a potential partner and you like each other and everything just feels like happy flowers and sausages with unicorns tooting glitter and cupcakes prancing around? That's the honeymoon phase, and it is not indicative of how things are gonna go beyond when you're both feeling good and into each other because shiny new people are so great. That's the time period that everyone is on their best behavior and when it's EASY to get along. It seems to get better results to start thinking about compatibility and whether or not entering a dynamic with someone is right for you after that phase has passed, when things have calmed down and everyone is more "comfortable" with being more like their everyday selves. 

A lot of the time, you'll find that people who aren't serious don't stick around and aren't willing to put in that time and effort to show that they're interested in anything beyond fun and games. That's totally valid, just not a compatible mindset for what you're looking for. At least if you follow "get past the honeymoon phase and THEN think carefully about negotiating a dynamic" rule, you're setting yourself up to be less likely to get ghosted by someone that you were actively in a dynamic with. Ghosting still sucks regardless, but it can hopefully be at least less painful in instances where someone was just trying to mess around and use you for instant gratification. 

I know this is getting long and my apologies for that, but hopefully this helps. Here's one big thing that I look for as an indicator that it's been long enough to start thinking about compatibility, just to give you an example.

A disagreement (a real one, not something small/petty). Y'all need to know how it's gonna go down when problems come up because that's just part of relationships in the real world. If it's a full blown screaming match or anything toxic, abort mission and do not pass go. If you can't talk things out together and communicate when there's a problem, or the situation becomes abusive on either end, that is not a dynamic that would work out. Consider this an abuse check as well and do not ignore misbehavior on that front. Disagreements are less common during the honeymoon phase, that's why this is one of the big things that I wait for before considering someone to be a potential partner. Anyone that can get through a difficult situation like that with you the right way is gonna be worth your time and effort. 

 

You might come across people that are compatible with you personality-wise to the extent that having disagreements isn't necessarily something that comes up much at all. You can use ANY difficult situation and apply it the same way to scope someone out more thoroughly. The point is, it's important to know that you're dealing with someone that you can get through hard times with before entering a dynamic. People who are just goofing off can't prove themselves to you in that context because they won't care that much, to put it bluntly.  

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Guest Teasing Tink
Hey, I'm sorry you had such an awful experience. That's quite cruel. You say there were no red flags, but I'm sure if we went back and examined it, there would probably be at least something fishy that was off. To be honest with you, I don't recommend looking on Fetlife to find a serious relationship because from what I observed in the past, people who are looking for a serious/committed/romantic relationship on there are few and far between. I wasn't very impressed. You asked if these things are normal and I would say yes, that seems to be the norm on *there.* It's also technically not a dating site. It's a social networking site that basically presents itself as a porn site, so most people there just seem to be looking for something casual. 

 

Also, anyone can claim to be anything -- whether a Daddy, a Dom or anything else. It doesn't make it so. I feel like the BDSM community tends to attract shady/predator types of people for maybe obvious reasons -- if you think about the room for abuse in such a dynamic. Of course, shady people are everywhere, so it's just good to be on your guard regardless. It doesn't make you a bad or resentful person to be cautious and careful. It just makes you shrewd. 

 

So it probably goes without saying that people sending you vulgar or not-so-subtle messages from the start aren't worth your time, as you probably already discovered. Bad people will love bomb you very fast in the beginning in order to groom you. That being said, I'm not saying two people can't have a very instant and quality connection, it's just something to be on guard for as you take the time to let the person prove themselves to you over time, in various ways. Good people are patient and won't rush you because they're actually invested in learning more about you to determine whether you're compatible before building something real and lasting.

 

As for where you should look, I feel like literally anywhere other than Fetlife or apps like Fetlife are better -- even reddit personals. It doesn't have to be a place that is explicitly BDSM related to find a Daddy. You're looking for a partner *first* and a Daddy second, after all. You can try normal dating sites and just be direct about the fact that you're into this lifestyle. There are people who will know what it means. That's what I did. 

 

As far weeding the serious from the casual out? Well for starters, I wouldn't be willing to bet that someone who has an empty or sparse profile is looking for something serious. And even if they are, it doesn't bode well for the amount of effort they will be willing to put into a relationship. So my suggestion is to only engage with people who actually put thought into their profiles/personal by explaining who they are as a person and who emphasize that they're looking for something serious/long-term. Avoid any and all that have "hookups" or "short-term" listed anywhere on their profile. 

 

And it probably goes without saying, but avoid people who are very demanding from the start, expecting you to treat them like they're you're Daddy and you're their "little" before even getting to know you as a person. Or someone who seems more interested or focused on learning what your fetishes are rather than what your normal/vanilla hobbies are first.

 

I also recommend reading articles about how to spot a narcissist on a dating app. They'll give you a list of red flags to look out for so you have more of an idea of what to watch out for. You really can't be too careful, in my opinion. Your time and energy are precious. Plus you sound like a catch. So do your homework, be patient, have fun and you'll be good to go.

Edited by Teasing Tink
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  • 3 weeks later...

There are definitely people who take non-normative relationships seriously. You'll need to consider creating your own vetting process. But like was mentioned above, you're looking for a compatible partner first, who also is a daddy. My partner and I were friends for a couple years first before we started dating and figuring out our kink and bdsm compatibility. But we are creating a 24/7 Sir/boy dynamic, and I know of multiple others in bdsm who have serious long-term relationships going. And personally the way I vet people is by saying I only consider people who are active in my local community so that they are a known person and I can talk to others about their reputation and any concerns. But that's my personal preference which is very restrictive (for good reason lol).

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I've lost count of the number of Daddies/Doms that quickly came and went before I met my current partner. (We are engaged and have a child together.) He also had a hard time meeting a Little who was looking for a serious, long-term relationship. I did have to move like 700 miles away to be with him, but yes, there are people in this community who desire a committed relationship.
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  • 3 weeks later...

It's like any other dating and kink. Lots of people just want a quick thrill or to get off. Some want JUST that and want nothing to do with any of it or you outside of play. And some want a genuine relationship and have the kink to some degree or living it as a lifestyle. The lack of commitment across the board for things like this is why I don't even bother with places like FL and I've found it's very hard to find people who want a proper relationship AND are capable/ready for it. Like in my position, I want a little, but I also want a wife and to start a big family. If I find a girl who I don't see being a good wife and mother then I walk. But I've met other guys that have no problem getting what they want out of a girl and getting out when they're done. And girls do the same (and I've found that out firsthand more than once).

To me, it's best to just be clear from the start. Lay out what you want at the start. Sure, you'll scare a lot of people off, but they likely weren't going to be good for you anyway. And someone wanting what you want will feel you're not serious if you don't show you're serious from the start either.

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