Forgiveness

[Lil Baby Stoner]

I was told I should forgive my oldest tiny humans father to help heal from the trauma he caused but how do you forgive someone that wouldn’t come to the hospital while your child fought for their life and stopped breathing for 15 seconds how do you forgive someone that watched you give birth to y’all child early and while sitting in the NICU not even 24 hours later was trying to cheat how do you forgive someone that laughed while saying “I’m shocked you stayed I put you through hell” how do you forgive someone that verbally and physically abused you and abandon your child and picked everything over them how can you forgive someone you begged them for helped cause you was dealing with postpartum so bad you had thoughts of hurting yourself and they refused to help I don’t blame my oldest tiny human for their fathers actions but I have told them I can’t forgive their father I don’t respect him as their father or a person he hurt me so bad idk if I can ever forgive him  

Edited October 26 by Lil Baby Stoner

[Lil_K47]

only you know what's in your heart and what feels right for YOU. Just know you don't "have" to do anything other than love yourself, and love your daughter! 

Big hugs my friend! 

[sheepie uwu]

You don't.

You use the knowledge you've learned to recognize tactics and cycles. This is how you avoid future bad behavior- getting out before the behavior gets worse. 

Unless this man has genuinely apologized and bent backwards to right his wrongs, forgiveness is absofuckinlutely not required by you or anybody else he's victimized.

I'm a strong believer in FAFO. Actions do have consequences. 

There are other more meaningful ways to heal, that don't require you to become a pacifist. Utilize your coping mechanisms, positive hobbies, and the people in your life that bring you joy. 

Edited October 27 by sheepie uwu

[redruffle41]

Like, what do we mean by forgiveness? Cuz if someone did those things to me I would be hurt just thinking about it for the rest of my life and I wouldn't want that person to be around so they could possibly hurt me again.....

 

So, what does forgiveness look like? For me it would mean wishing that person peace and whatever else their karma brings them and letting them go.

Hugs, sounds like he's a really hurtful person and it must be hard to explain the complex situation to your kiddo.

[RoseyLittle]

I don’t think anyone, not a loved one, friend or even a therapist, has the right to tell you how you “should” heal. If someone is telling you shoulds or musts, you don’t need to let that in. 
 

YOU are the expert of your own experience. You lived it, you survived it and you still carry the scars of it. You are the one who knows your body and self the best. Your own intuition to what your healing needs will always be stronger than anyone outside you. Can people act as guides and helpers, absolutely! But even as a trauma therapist I never speak like an expert to someone I’m working with. I never tell them “this is needed to heal”. I offer that healing is different for everyone, and these are some options or things some people connect to or find helpful in their journey. 
 

What I will offer, is that for some people forgiveness is part of the journey. And for others not. There’s no right or wrong here. I absolutely do not think you have to forgive someone who was abusive. And you certainly don’t need to forgive someone who created harm for you and your tiny humans. You are allowed to be protective mama bear for life!!!
 

Instead of forgiveness, I find some survivors find it helpful to actually fully feel and lean into their anger, process it. Allow it. Anger is a cue for boundaries. It can motivate us to create change. It’s a powerful voice in healing. Sometimes I like to remind people that feeling anger is really good. Because it means a part of you recognizes that crap was so not okay and that part of you is wanting to protect you. And for many of us, we didn’t get to do that when we were younger. Anger can be a step towards empowerment.
 

I find, sometimes people who push forgiveness (not always, some there is genuine care there) can be uncomfortable with the truths of trauma or anger. They sometimes want you to “forgive and forget”, move on. But what they really mean is, “please make me less uncomfortable by hiding your truths better because I don’t know how to emotionally handle them”. 

So if you need alternative voices, I say, screw forgiveness if that is what you want! I will say that alternative work to forgives is letting go of resentment. We can’t do this though until we fully process the hurt and the anger. We in no way need to forgive, but for many, if we don’t process the feelings of resentment, that feeling can hurt us. I once had resentment described as holding a burning hot coal for years, waiting to throw it at the other person. That stuck with me. So for some of the people I work with, and for myself, we learned how to drop the coal. Does that make sense? 
 

Anyway, you go ahead and feel exactly how you feel, and heal however works for you ♥️

[SnuggleBunnyMinnie]

On 10/27/2025 at 12:41 AM, Lil Baby Stoner said:

I was told I should forgive my oldest tiny humans father to help heal from the trauma he caused but how do you forgive someone that wouldn’t come to the hospital while your child fought for their life and stopped breathing for 15 seconds how do you forgive someone that watched you give birth to y’all child early and while sitting in the NICU not even 24 hours later was trying to cheat how do you forgive someone that laughed while saying “I’m shocked you stayed I put you through hell” how do you forgive someone that verbally and physically abused you and abandon your child and picked everything over them how can you forgive someone you begged them for helped cause you was dealing with postpartum so bad you had thoughts of hurting yourself and they refused to help I don’t blame my oldest tiny human for their fathers actions but I have told them I can’t forgive their father I don’t respect him as their father or a person he hurt me so bad idk if I can ever forgive him  

Goodmorning/evening you shoudn't forgive him, a person who abused you once he will do it twice and even more... my father is the exact same, but my mom always forgived him.... you do not have to forgive him, you have to heal first do it for your children. I can tell by experience it's better to not have a father if he has to be abusive and cheater.

[MiddleR]

On 10/26/2025 at 11:41 PM, Lil Baby Stoner said:

I was told I should forgive my oldest tiny humans father to help heal from the trauma he caused but how do you forgive someone that wouldn’t come to the hospital while your child fought for their life and stopped breathing for 15 seconds how do you forgive someone that watched you give birth to y’all child early and while sitting in the NICU not even 24 hours later was trying to cheat how do you forgive someone that laughed while saying “I’m shocked you stayed I put you through hell” how do you forgive someone that verbally and physically abused you and abandon your child and picked everything over them how can you forgive someone you begged them for helped cause you was dealing with postpartum so bad you had thoughts of hurting yourself and they refused to help I don’t blame my oldest tiny human for their fathers actions but I have told them I can’t forgive their father I don’t respect him as their father or a person he hurt me so bad idk if I can ever forgive him  

Oh wow... this hit very close to home.  I'm so sorry you've been through this.  I can actually say that I understand because it seems we've had similar experiences with an abusive person.

When I was going through therapy the idea of forgivness came up and I hope it's okay if I share my thoughts on this.  The way that I understand it is that forgiving the person that did these awful things isn't about them at all, it's about you and your healing.

Forgiveness is about changing your emotions and your actions regarding the person that hurt you.  Forgiveness is not about "letting it go" and the abuser facing zero concequences for their actions!  It's also not about reconciliation because that's not always desirable or even possible.

Perhaps you need to figure out how you can forgive this person?  For me, it means not giving in to strong feelings of anger and resentment (sometimes I feel so angry at what he did to me and how unfair it was that he got off with such little punishment!), not being bitter and allowing that to seep into relationships with others (my now husband doesn't deserve for me to react to him as though he were the abuser from my past) and it means not trying to create difficulty in my abusers life (boy! would I love to message his "new family" and lay it all out).

Of course this is a complicated and painful topic.  It's also unique to your individual circumstances.  Perhaps you need to have a bigger conversation with your eldest child about forgiveness and what it means to you and to them?

[marshmalloww]

On 10/26/2025 at 7:41 PM, Lil Baby Stoner said:

I was told I should forgive my oldest tiny humans father to help heal from the trauma he caused but how do you forgive someone that wouldn’t come to the hospital while your child fought for their life and stopped breathing for 15 seconds how do you forgive someone that watched you give birth to y’all child early and while sitting in the NICU not even 24 hours later was trying to cheat how do you forgive someone that laughed while saying “I’m shocked you stayed I put you through hell” how do you forgive someone that verbally and physically abused you and abandon your child and picked everything over them how can you forgive someone you begged them for helped cause you was dealing with postpartum so bad you had thoughts of hurting yourself and they refused to help I don’t blame my oldest tiny human for their fathers actions but I have told them I can’t forgive their father I don’t respect him as their father or a person he hurt me so bad idk if I can ever forgive him  

I often find people who say things like this... especially in regards to moving forward is to simply forgive. That's often impossible depending on the scars they've made. You can forget but never forgive and even still you'll never forget. Truly, healing is prioritizing you and your little humans and move forward with your head held high and hope and faith in yourself for a good future without harm being done to you or them. Healing doesn't always include forgiveness. 

 

To share, I'm adopted because my Birth mother was heavy in drugs. She passed this year and many people suggested I forgive the abandonment because I would heal. There s still anger, frustration, pain, and deep anxiety but you know what! It doesn't rule me. I won't let it. I move forward knowing that my boundaries have kept me sane and safe and moving on with my life will not include forgiveness but it includes her being put aside for a happier me and life. 

 

I hope you get to have that. You deserve it. 

I often, when people try to share their thoughts on that touchy topic for me is very honestly say that I'm not seeking advice for that and I've made my decision. I dunno if you can do that but strong boundaries around that topic has brought me peace. 

Edited yesterday at 03:34 AM by marshmalloww
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