General topic: Partner not wanting to be in a cg/l relationship

[lilsnoopy]

Lately I have seen lots of posts made all around the same problem: littles/caregivers in relationships where their partner doesn't want to be in a cg/l relationship. I'm trying to write a broad go-to post to give general advice. Please feel free to add to this with other suggestions. 

 

* Communicate. If you haven't brought it up, do it. Sounds easy enough. Your partner will never know what you want unless you tell them and communication is extremely important in all relationships. Especially cg/l relationships. 

 

*Don't start out with labels. For some reason putting a label on things can freak people out. Sit down and explain what you want in normal terms for example: "I have a childish personality, I like doing kiddish things." or "I like taking care of people who act younger than me." Maybe don't use daddy/other cg/l titles in the general explanation of what you want. . 

 

*If your partner is uninterested: you can't make someone a caregiver. A person has the right to not want a cg/l relationship. Caregivers have to have a very special personality and trying to force a role onto someone is not a good idea. You can be a little on your own. Other options if you want a cg/l relationship you can - break up and find a relationship that suits that need or -talk with your partner (not cheating behind their back) about seeing someone else, maybe online, to be a caregiver/little to you. 

 

[Guest Bunnyblossom]

100% agree on not giving anything labels.

 

I also don't recommend getting them to "read up" on ddlg etc. as your way of getting them more involved and better educated on what you're wanting.

Don't pressure your parter into providing rules and discipline immediately.

And don't base your expectations of your partner on what you see other ddlg or cg/l couples doing.

 

You need to figure it out by yourselves, or you might find what you're mimicking feels unnatural and too forced for your relationship.

Take things slow. Play off any relevant scenarios that present themselves.

 

The above advice is great, take note of it.

Edited January 24, 2017 by MilkPop

[Child Of Light]

I agree! I brought my vanilla partner into this lifestyle. It wasn't an overnight situation. We didn't use labels -- I just expressed a couple of my needs (whilst telling him I had others) and we started off very slow. If I were to tell him all this at once and not given him time to soak it in..... he wouldn't have taken it well. It would have freaked him out and probably caused him to be unwilling to try it at all. The desires can be overwhelming to the general public. For us -- we started out with the Discipline aspect and just was "I need to be held accountable for my goals" and we slowly eased into trying different things.

 

To say the least... I was one of the lucky ones to have my partner have Dom-ish/ caregiving traits.

 

I also love him so much that I knew that certain aspects of the relationship didn't have to happen if he wasn't comfortable with it. I mean-- I was throwing it on him.

Edited January 25, 2017 by Child Of Light

[daddies_velvet_kitty]

My best suggestion is that if your the person going to bring up ddlg, you don't have to rush into it. First develop a good relationship and establish a connection with this person. Because if anything at least you'll walk away with a friend. And it may help you to see if this person would be interested in this lifestyle, so if it's a make or break you could figure this out without the need of bringing it up. Me and my daddy waited 4 months before we both told each other (how ironic). I know that the person your seeing may freak out if you tell them too soon as they may not know you too well yet. And if you wait 2-3 months to tell them you may slowly fit in the roles without realizing it, (thats when I introduced it). But of course if you feel like your hiding something or your uncomfortable without telling them then please tell your partner right away. Communication is always the most important part of the relationship but sometimes I feel when introducing someone to kink waiting a bit and giving them time might be the best route to go by. 

[Guest Candy Minx ♡]

what you all said is GREAT information, i'm in love with all these suggestions. 

i'm 50/50 with the reading about it, i read about it and got a general idea but

lucky enough for me i realize, through reading, that no one has to follow word

for word, action for action of what they read. reading is good for getting a 

general idea. it's nice to see what everyone else is doing and see if you can't

pick up something from someone else that you'd like to try. my Daddy and i

found a set of rules from someone else's relationship, used some, altered 

others and then added our own and it worked out wonderfully for us. 

 

reading is great as long as you approach it with the idea of 'this doesn't have to

be us' and 'it's okay not to do what "everyone else" is doing.' just remember that

your relationship isn't the same as anyone elses and to do what's best for the

partners. don't try to wedge yourself into a spot that you don't think you fit in, 

it's okay to be different!

 

also i think it would be awesome to start a thread on how to be little by yourself.

i see an awful lot of that around, too. 

[CrazyLittleBuggaBoo]

Honestly the best thing you can do for your relationship is to be yourself, from the very beginning. Don't hide part of your personality away when your trying to build a serious relationship. Yes it can be scary, but your true self is best. This doesn't mean you have to drag the person down the rabbit whole trying to explain relationship dynamics like CG/L, but be honest about your childlike personality or mannerisms or side, whatever you call it. You can't scare them off or put them off with childish behavior if they've known about it the whole time. You'll know sooner rather than later if the person is able or willing to deal with this childish personality or behavior. You will be with someone that loves you for yourself instead of for someone they think you are. 

 

If you like toys. Say you like toys((counting stuffed granimals as toys)), or don't hide your toys away. If you drink from sippy cups don't hide them away, tell the person about. Own up to your true self, don't let people believe they know you to later spring upon them a part of your personality ((that is so big it effects weather your happy in your relationship)) that they had no clue about. This doesn't just go for Littles, or a CG/L type relationships, but everyone. Imagine your with someone and you think you know them, then suddenly their telling you their someone else? That's scary. That's hurtful. If your trying to have a serious relationship, it can be really hurtful and off putting when your partner hides part of themselves away. After all your trying to build a lift together, you should be able to tell the person your in a relationship with who you are and what you like. That could make them feel very untrusted.  It can make them feel like your been hiding other things from them or cause them to wonder what else you've been hiding. Other just feel totally lied to, and some will react like it's false advertisement.

 

The sooner they know who you really are the sooner you know if they accept you for yourself and weather the relationship will work out or not. I'm not saying tell them all about CG/L, or even to try to tell them about it at all. Just be honest about yourself and what you like

Edited January 25, 2017 by CrazyLittleBuggaBoo

[Child Of Light]

@CrazyLittleBuggaBoo --- You can certainly do all that. What the OP was getting at was having the person be your caregiver/ little and wanting them to fill-that-role and not about altering your personality. For most relationships (even for me) --- it isn't dependent on the fact if the guy will be my daddy-dom or not. That is just one part of our intimate relationship ... out of many parts. If my BF suddenly became uncomfortable with playing that role or even uninterested... it would stop. Because we want the best thing for our relationship as a whole. However, he knows it's a deep need of mine and so before that we'd prob come to compromises. He would not have been OKay with any of this if I told him right away.  But he's the best guy I ever would have met. And so glad we took things so slowly.

[Guest Plebian]

Honestly the best thing you can do for your relationship is to be yourself, from the very beginning. Don't hide part of your personality away when your trying to build a serious relationship. Yes it can be scary, but your true self is best. This doesn't mean you have to drag the person down the rabbit whole trying to explain relationship dynamics like CG/L, but be honest about your childlike personality or mannerisms or side, whatever you call it. You can't scare them off or put them off with childish behavior if they've known about it the whole time. You'll know sooner rather than later if the person is able or willing to deal with this childish personality or behavior. You will be with someone that loves you for yourself instead of for someone they think you are. 

 

If you like toys. Say you like toys((counting stuffed granimals as toys)), or don't hide your toys away. If you drink from sippy cups don't hide them away, tell the person about. Own up to your true self, don't let people believe they know you to later spring upon them a part of your personality ((that is so big it effects weather your happy in your relationship)) that they had no clue about. This doesn't just go for Littles, or a CG/L type relationships, but everyone. Imagine your with someone and you think you know them, then suddenly their telling you their someone else? That's scary. That's hurtful. If your trying to have a serious relationship, it can be really hurtful and off putting when your partner hides part of themselves away. After all your trying to build a lift together, you should be able to tell the person your in a relationship with who you are and what you like. That could make them feel very untrusted.  It can make them feel like your been hiding other things from them or cause them to wonder what else you've been hiding. Other just feel totally lied to, and some will react like it's false advertisement.

 

The sooner they know who you really are the sooner you know if they accept you for yourself and weather the relationship will work out or not. I'm not saying tell them all about CG/L, or even to try to tell them about it at all. Just be honest about yourself and what you like

 

I did this in my last relationship. Not intentionally though, obviously. It's extremely hard for some of us to talk about it, and I... couldn't. Eventually the truth did come out through an e-mail, but she didn't know how to deal with it, so that left me with nothing, since at the time I was desperate to be understood and to, well, have my needs within a relationship met. Unsurprisingly, that's never going to happen if you're not transparent enough about what you want.

 

Thinking back at the relationship, it could have been considered as CG/L in some areas, simply because of my deep desire to care for and discipline a woman. But that's the thing, right? Somehow there exists this need where some line is drawn where they say "this is normal and cute" instead of "these people genuinely have a unique thing going on and I love/hate it". You could argue all day whether that line actually exists, but the point is this: when someone realizes you are over that 'line', you get put into a box. The box of judgment. Because we all judge to some extent, whether we like it or not. 

 

From then onwards, it's the opinion about that box that will determine a big portion of their opinions about you. Or, well, with generally judgmental people, that is. It's very dangerous and often times rather rude from people when they form opinions in this way (because apparently they care more about the subject and its contents than you as a person. The difference between perception and judgement, really), but that's a subject for another time.

 

The reason why I say this is because, I think, if you want more chances of a positive response from a "vanilla" partner, you should figure out where this person falls on the perceiving/judging scale. If the person is generally quite judgmental, you'll probably have to increase your chances of receiving a positive response in some way. By forms of hints, talking about it in a theoretical sense, or even just making a scene about it (positive or negative) to see what kind of response you'd get. Because, sure, you can't physically force someone to be a caregiver (wouldn't be fun anyways right), but that doesn't mean people know exactly what they want, all the time. I believe that there are plenty of people out there who would absolutely love this dynamic, but don't because of some particular reason. (Misjudgment of/by others, moral values, misinformation just to name a few).

 

Also, if you're a girl and you want to introduce this to a man in some way, give him something to relate to. If there is anything within your relationship that could already be described as CG/L in some way, start with that. Tell him how great it made you feel (men like to be respected) and how much you'd love doing more things like that. You'd be crazy as a man to deny the happy feelings of your woman. If he still does by then, it might just be time to move on

[cuppycakes]

 

i'm 50/50 with the reading about it, i read about it and got a general idea but

lucky enough for me i realize, through reading, that no one has to follow word

for word, action for action of what they read. reading is good for getting a 

general idea. it's nice to see what everyone else is doing and see if you can't

pick up something from someone else that you'd like to try.

I think you took it a little differently than what @MilkPop meant. I think she agrees that it's alright if YOU read up on it, but not to instantly tell your significant other to read up on it because they might find something you're not interested in. If I had told my SO to read up on DDLG, he may have found something that I wasn't interested in on accident. i.e. if he found ABDL on accident, or thought that I wanted more sex, thought I wanted crazier sex, or even thought that I just had a "daddy" kink. 

Any of those things could have been detrimental to our relationship, so it's probably best to not have your SO read into it more than what you tell them until they accept it and are ready for the next step. Then you can work together to figure out what the next step will be.

 

I do agree with what you said, I just thought I'd point this out (*´∀`*)

[CrazyLittleBuggaBoo]

@CrazyLittleBuggaBoo --- You can certainly do all that. What the OP was getting at was having the person be your caregiver/ little and wanting them to fill-that-role and not about altering your personality. For most relationships (even for me) --- it isn't dependent on the fact if the guy will be my daddy-dom or not. That is just one part of our intimate relationship ... out of many parts. If my BF suddenly became uncomfortable with playing that role or even uninterested... it would stop. Because we want the best thing for our relationship as a whole. However, he knows it's a deep need of mine and so before that we'd prob come to compromises. He would not have been OKay with any of this if I told him right away.  But he's the best guy I ever would have met. And so glad we took things so slowly.

I understand what the OP was saying. What I'm saying is if your open and honest from the very beginning about everything, all sides of you and what you like. It'll make it easier on your relationship. You will know right away weather they can handle your inner child or not. You will know how well they deal with all the sides of you and how well they handle you. You can get a general idea right away if your parent would enjoy this kind of relationship. It will be less shocking and less stressful when you come out and say hey there's this thing I'm into that I want to share with you. You can determine what would be the best way to talk about CG/L, weather you can use terms like "Daddy Dom" without freaking them out or if you should use terms like "Caregiver". Honesty is always the best policy.  Again, I'm not saying to try to explain CG/L or anything. Just yourself. Being yourself.

[Guest Littlepup]

This is a great go-to-post!

 

You really can't and shouldn't make someone do something they don't want to do.

 

The best thing to do is be yourself, if you embrace being little as part of your life, you'll attract the people who like you for it, and your partner will see that side of you already and care for you naturally

 

be honest- dont hide your feelings and needs

be open- dont hide your thoughts and interests

be mature- dont get angry or upset when your partner doesn't agree with you

be thoughtful- dont just think about yourself and dont make your partner feel uncomfortable

and communicate- use your own words to say what you mean and try to understand how your partner feels 

 

and for people who are new at being a daddy, there will be parts of the dynamic that they will be better and worse at, but you can't be upset with them, you have to give them time to embrace the parts they are good at and embrace being a caregiver before you should try to get them to work on the harder things.

for example, my daddy is fantastic at giving me attention and being gentle with me, but he is not as good with spankings and rules yet. But it's better to go slow and practice things positively, than rush into things and end up making your partner resent it because it's no fun for them.