Don't read if you get triggered. Tough life.. just needed to share.. hoping it will make me feel beter *sorry*

[Deactivated 123]

It feels like hell. There's so much going pn in my head. Pain, Anger, Confusion, Hurt, Guilt, not knowing what I'm going to feel like the next minute.

Nothing gives me pleasure. I have done so much to stay away from this. From taking that blade. I read all the time to get my head off this. I try drawing or singing or talking to strangers or listening to music. But the thing is I don't want to do anything anymore. And you know what I caved in for the second time in years tonight.

It doesn't matter how good you have it depression makes every situation seem hopeless. I overthink every little situation.. analyzing every little thing.. getting insecure about everything and all of my being. Trying to live away from everyone and their drama filled life.

But I guess it's a perk for me that no one seems content with my company and always find a better option. Every night when I'm stuck alone with my thoughts. What is I have a family of my own? I can never be the person that they deserve.

The family, the sister, the perfect daughter, or a good wife or a nice mom. I can never be that. That I know cause it's all I've been since this birth. I'm never enough for anyone. I can never do anything right. No matter how much I try I just ain't enough for anyone.

And now I don't even know how to try. Having everything forced on you isn't easy. Having someone else's dreams tossyon you to fullfill just cause they couldn't isn't easy. Believe me I'm almost done with my studies yet I still don't know what I want to do. But perhaps this will be enough for my parents. I mean why me?
Why can't it be my brother.

Do you ever ever say anything to anything he does? No you don't and never will. Maybe that is because you knew he was abused but did you ever see me? Did you ever see the little girl you sent to play with her cousins. Did ever check what they were doing with her. Did you? Okay fine lets let that go. Maybe he's not the bright one.. but did you consider the one year he spent abroad wasting your money saying that he was studying!!! No he's your adorable son!! You let that go too. You can never seem to get me anything but then why isn't it an option for him?

Sending me to school and letting me grow up as a normal teenager wasn't an option. You wanted a faster way to get to the money. You made me start a career I had no interest in as a 14 year old!! Sent me off with all the grown ups. Perks? You get ignored at both school and college cause you're the freak.. the one doing something out of the norms. Did you ever let me figure out what I wanted to do? Alright. That's also fine. It's done. I tried reasoning with you to let me do something else after this.. and your answer was.. the income would be less!

And after that you sent me off to work! Again working while studying. With people much much older than me. Well at least it helped me mature faster than everyone else..so alright we had this routine where I was actually financing us other than dad!
And your son was lazing around on the couch in his room the whole time!! With this so called "business" that never generated any money. How do you expect me to study after working for nine hours and then going to class after that? And yet you have to nag me after I come home.. will anything i ever do be enough for you. I got a place in the world top 10 in high school. And the compliment i got for that was.. well it's the least you could get after all we had spent on you..

Bloody hell!!! Do you see me as a money making machine!!

And now I'm here in another country.
And knowing that I will never have the freedom I want is just.. I know that I can never move away from my parents cause they told me so. Well the least you could let me move after i get married or something.. but! You don't want that too.. "I am a girl and the husband could be abusive so it's not safe for you to be away.. and who's gonna look after us? We can't expect your brother to.. he's a guy"
I don't want my children to grow up with such manipulative people.. I don't want my kids to be hit! That's not the way to discipline people. Not like you did for me..

My dad is such a sweet man. Why did he marry a person like you? I mean I love you and all but there's only so much I can handle.

Have you ever sat in a group of friends knowing that you're the least important person there and it wouldn't matter if there or not? I'm used to it. I'm used to being cancelled on. I'm used to being left out. I'm used to being the second option too. And don't worry about forgetting me or ignoring me. Cause I'm used to that too.
But you know I'll always be there to make everyone smile.

It haunts me to think of how I'm gonna explain my scars to the man I'll marry. How I'm gonna tell him all i had to go through growing up.. or that I may never be able to give him what he wants in life cause I'm far too damaged to do that. How can i be a mother when i find a single touch repulsive now? No one is gonna be willing to go through all that for me. How am I going to make him understand how different I'm from others. How insanely bad I can get.

And if I ever get past that my children would see my scars. And the worst part is that they would think that it is okay to do that to themselves.

People don't understand how hard it is, to move out of bed, to fake a smile when inside of you there's a storm , to drag a blade across my skin for an instant feel relief.

Because people who don't have depression don't understand and then get misunderstood with attention seekers and then get judged. Having depression is when you don't really care about anything and anxiety is when you care too much about everything.

And having both is insanely hard!
And it suck to deal with it.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of how weak I am.

Edited April 7, 2017 by littlesha

[DaddyMs]

big hugs to you; takes a lot of courage to write something like this. 

[OmegaPeckinpah]

You are not weak at all, in fact, you are stronger than anyone who does not suffer from anxiety or depression. Sharing this, is an example of how strong you are. I too have terrible anxiety and depression, but I believe it would be impossible for me to ever accomplish as much as you are doing right now while you have it. I don't and will never actually "know" what you have been through, but I know it is a lot from what you said. I am sorry you feel like this, I feel the same sometimes (3-4 days/week) and I have a strong feeling that it will never get better, I actually believe it will never get any better; however it will. It will get better for me and you as well, I don't know how it will, but it will. That sounds exactly like what everyone says "blah blah blah things will get better, you'll get through it, etc etc etc" which I know is annoying, but it's true. Best of luck to you on getting through all of this, you aren't ruined, you're extremely strong, and one day you will find someone who will understand you completely and even love you more for it. This is just my input, sorry if this isn't something you care for. Have a great day.

[Foxcatcher]

All of us have scars. Some are visable. Some are not.

Your trauma has worn you down to your core.

But don't think of it as erosion.

 

In making sake, the more the rice is worn down, the "heart" of the rice is revealed.

And that makes the finest quality sake.