"make me hate you"?

[meshigene]

aight, so, I've been with my little for about half a year now, so I don't think I've gotten accustomed to all her quirks yet, and it's mainly long distance, which really doesn't help either. but we still like each other quite a lot, so I'm sure it's not a side effect of the cocaine.  so the other day she (smoothly) asked me through text to, well, "make her hate me" out of the blue, which I promptly started trying to do, because I'm an expert in this kind of thing.   it ended fast enough, because she simply told me to stop after a couple of minutes and I could tell she wasn't playing. now she seems ever so slightly mad at me, but not enough to straight up ignore me even the slightest bit, or act differently when talking to me, so I think it's just a little-y thing.

 

anyway, what should I do if she asks me to do it again? because I don't want to be mean to her - or anyone I care about, for that matter.

[Guest AMGR91]

Hey Meshigene!

First of all, it's always difficult to advise someone's personal life. I don't know you or her, so any criticism on my 'advice' is justified

If you can tell that it is damaging the relationship, best is to let the other person know. Good communication is everything! especially when you're trying out new things.
You also said that you don't feel comfortable doing something like that to someone you care about. Just because something does sound fun, or interesting to try, doesn't mean you have to! especially if you don't like doing it. 

Try talking to her and finding out what is damaging the relationship (for instance, making her mad, perhaps?)

 

Hope this helps.

Cheers.

[LittleBabyKitty]

I'm not sure I understand, you mean she wanted you to degrade her or be mean to her on purpose?  I'm just asking so I can respond accordingly.

[meshigene]

I'm sure she wanted me to be mean to her on purpose. if she wanted me to degrade her, I think she'd be much more straightforward about it.

[meshigene]

AMGR91, well, it'd be downright stupid of me if I didn't try to talk to her about it and ask what's wrong, but she's still upset and she avoids telling me what /exactly/ is not right and how I can make up for being mean to her. hence why I'm seeking advice here 

[LittleBabyKitty]

Cocaine use? Is she using?

 

Anyway, this might be a stretch, but is there any chance she meant (inside her head)...

 

"Boy, I really love this guy...I'm afraid he'll leave me one day due to x,y,z...so it would be easier for me to mentally prepare to be without him for when he eventually does break up with me.  I wish there was a way for him to just make me hate him, so when he does finally leave me, it'll be easier for me to let go...."

BUT...she just said "Make me hate you" to shorten her whole train of thought? 

 

How effective of a communicator is she normally? Did you ask her to clarify what SHE meant when she texted you that message?  Or did you already know what she meant? 

 

As a little, I often have this self-destructive dialogue that plagues my mind.and I always think my Daddy is gonna grow tired of my "littleness" and leave me, etc...so I proactively push him away with similar behavior, especially when I'm already in an emotional low (I suffer from depression).  I'll tell him "I'm useless and worthless, just leave me, go fuck someone else, you can find someone prettier, better".....

 

It's usually attention seeking behavior because Daddy works alot, but he talks me down, or gives me time away from him to think and rationalize about what I've said/asked for, and tells me to really think about if that's what I REALLY want (when I tell him to leave me, etc).  He NEVER leaves me or breaks up with me, but he allows me some breathing room, and a few hrs later, I apologize, or he does, and we're in bed that night as usual. 

 

Maybe TMI, but I usually get extra bratty around PMS time, sorry if that's gross to you, I just thought it was an important factor to consider regarding your issue with your little.

 

It could be a number of reasons, just have a nice, long think about it, and feel free to ask me questions or respond with more info if you like.

[Antoinette]

I'm sure she wanted me to be mean to her on purpose. if she wanted me to degrade her, I think she'd be much more straightforward about it.

 

Degrading someone and being mean to them on purpose go hand in hand, friend. Perhaps she believed she was ready for something kinky like being degraded but when it eventually happened she didn't enjoy it - or, she didn't receive adequate aftercare. Yes, even in non-physical scenes aftercare is needed. Many people seem to skim over this detail believing that it's not necessary purely because no actual pain was happening but mental stimulation like degrading will also require aftercare, and there was no mention of aftercare whatsoever. 

 

Perhaps you need to analyse what exactly it was you said to trigger such an abrupt reaction. Did you pinpoint a specific insecurity of hers? Target her appearance? Is she a sensitive person to begin with? You need to properly communicate with her about this. I know you said to AMGR that you already tried to communicate with her about it but clearly you're not trying hard enough or she isn't communicating back effectively. By which means you should inform her that you cannot fix the problem unless she has a willingness to give insight into what exactly is wrong with her - if not, she'll merely be sulking for however long it takes until she forgets the whole ordeal, or even worse just breaks up with you for not being a mind reader. 

 

If she asks you to do something like this again point-blank refuse. Clearly, she lacks the mental stability or thickness of skin to withhold mean comments so what's the point in putting your relationship through that again? Or at least ask her to explain what exactly it is that she wants - identifying the boundaries, what's too far and what's not. That way you'll know what to say and what not to say. Communication really is key here.

 

Good luck.

[meshigene]

Degrading someone and being mean to them on purpose go hand in hand, friend. Perhaps she believed she was ready for something kinky like being degraded but when it eventually happened she didn't enjoy it - or, she didn't receive adequate aftercare. Yes, even in non-physical scenes aftercare is needed. Many people seem to skim over this detail believing that it's not necessary purely because no actual pain was happening but mental stimulation like degrading will also require aftercare, and there was no mention of aftercare whatsoever. 

 

Perhaps you need to analyse what exactly it was you said to trigger such an abrupt reaction. Did you pinpoint a specific insecurity of hers? Target her appearance? Is she a sensitive person to begin with? You need to properly communicate with her about this. I know you said to AMGR that you already tried to communicate with her about it but clearly you're not trying hard enough or she isn't communicating back effectively. By which means you should inform her that you cannot fix the problem unless she has a willingness to give insight into what exactly is wrong with her - if not, she'll merely be sulking for however long it takes until she forgets the whole ordeal, or even worse just breaks up with you for not being a mind reader. 

 

If she asks you to do something like this again point-blank refuse. Clearly, she lacks the mental stability or thickness of skin to withhold mean comments so what's the point in putting your relationship through that again? Or at least ask her to explain what exactly it is that she wants - identifying the boundaries, what's too far and what's not. That way you'll know what to say and what not to say. Communication really is key here.

 

Good luck.

thanks, this is really helpful. I'm new to DDLG, forums, and I can't ask strangers for advice to save my life, again due to a lack of experience, and I realize now that I didn't explain enough in the OP in the first place, and that my problem is that I'm, well, simply not trying hard enough to find out what's wrong. the last person I was with has been my best friend for most of my life (and still is), he's not bratty or childish at all and I don't need to be specific or intrusive for him to tell me what's up with him. even though I'm usually the one who needs help. habits 

 

anyway, thank you for your advice. I didn't expect to get a good answer so quickly.

[meshigene]

Cocaine use? Is she using?

 

Anyway, this might be a stretch, but is there any chance she meant (inside her head)...

 

"Boy, I really love this guy...I'm afraid he'll leave me one day due to x,y,z...so it would be easier for me to mentally prepare to be without him for when he eventually does break up with me.  I wish there was a way for him to just make me hate him, so when he does finally leave me, it'll be easier for me to let go...."

BUT...she just said "Make me hate you" to shorten her whole train of thought? 

 

How effective of a communicator is she normally? Did you ask her to clarify what SHE meant when she texted you that message?  Or did you already know what she meant? 

 

As a little, I often have this self-destructive dialogue that plagues my mind.and I always think my Daddy is gonna grow tired of my "littleness" and leave me, etc...so I proactively push him away with similar behavior, especially when I'm already in an emotional low (I suffer from depression).  I'll tell him "I'm useless and worthless, just leave me, go fuck someone else, you can find someone prettier, better".....

 

It's usually attention seeking behavior because Daddy works alot, but he talks me down, or gives me time away from him to think and rationalize about what I've said/asked for, and tells me to really think about if that's what I REALLY want (when I tell him to leave me, etc).  He NEVER leaves me or breaks up with me, but he allows me some breathing room, and a few hrs later, I apologize, or he does, and we're in bed that night as usual. 

 

Maybe TMI, but I usually get extra bratty around PMS time, sorry if that's gross to you, I just thought it was an important factor to consider regarding your issue with your little.

 

It could be a number of reasons, just have a nice, long think about it, and feel free to ask me questions or respond with more info if you like.

oh no, the "side effect of the cocaine" part was a music reference and a sort of an in-joke that I threw in anyway. I use it when I want to say that something (e.g. a relationship, a hobby or somesuch) is at least a little serious and not just a passing fancy. I'm pretty sure she meant (almost) exactly what you highlighted in italics, but when I asked her what she meant by that, she replied with something along the lines of "you already know, so just do it", and, being mighty surprised, I started doing what she told me to. we talk a whole lot and she's almost always very blunt and forward and means everything she says, so I hope you understand my surprise. giving her breathing room is pretty much a last resort for me, since she's pretty clingy (at least with me, and apparently only with me) and we're really attached to each other, but that doesn't mean "taking a day off" isn't a perfectly fine solution to a lot of things. I'll do it anyway if everything else fails.   thank you for your advice.

[Guest Mittens]

Well this is interesting, and difficult to manage. If it is degradation she wants, that's fine, but some people can actually start to feel those feelings, and start to get consumed by it and start to actually hate you and want nothing to do with you, which will cause them to be confused and stay. I personally like to ease up on the degradation of the one I am with, but I don't mind a little during play. Honestly, take it easy, and talk with her. See what was too much, too far, what's on her mind, what went wrong, ect. Communication is key.