The ridiculous wife´s tale

[mabel]

Hi all. I would like to start saying that I am new here - which is true - but I am not completely new to the topics here. I just had no idea this was "a thing". 

 

But first things first, I am here, because I just found out that my husband was having an affaire on here with one of the members of this forum/chat. When I found out about it, he told me the name DDLG, and I have to say I got frightened it was a pedophilia thing. Having a 14 years old daughter at home, it rang all kinds of alarm bells in me, so I wanted to see what it was all about, frankly, to know if it was needed to move out the house with my daughter asap. So I came on here and browsed the forum, and some things made me raise my eyebrows, but some other things made me smile, and slowly I stopped feeling threatened, at least I don´t fear for my child because of it. 

 

Of course this raises many questions and insecurities in me. Have I been a bad wife to him? Why did he feel the need to turn away from me and look for somebody else? Also I realize I am older than the avarage girls here, I´m 42, the girl he has met here is twenty-something. Have I become too old? Why did he feel he couldnt share this with me too? Then, as I was reading further, other, ridiculous thoughts came to me. I like to colour as well. I do like to be taken care of too. I love to rely on a father figure. 

 

Then I remembered my first marriage. I recognized myself back then from many of the posts on here. As said, I had no idea it was even a thing. I was young (then twenty-something) he was somewhat older. I was a foreigner in his country, didn´t speak the language, didn´t know my way around. So he "took me under his wings". I liked to play the little helpless girl with him. I enjoyed the attention. I enjoyed to feel his caring. We got married and it worked very well. We didn´t have much sex though, he would say he was asexual, and that was kind of a problem for me, but, we still got along nicely. Until we decided to have a child. I didnt get pregnant easily, and it has become a tiresome work to have sex so I would concieve. It was 2 years until I finally got pregnant, and it was never even remotely erotic. It was just work. Pregnancy went well, we were a happy couple. He took extra care for me then.  And then our daughter was born. 

What hapened then came to me completely unexpected. The moment our child was born, he turned away from me. I guess, now that he had a real child, the game was over and there was no place in his heart for me anymore. The change of attitude was sudden and extremely painful for me. He continously ordered me out of the room when he was with the baby, he didnt want me anywhere near. He didn´t allow me to breastfeed her either, I had to go to the bathroom, pump the milk into a bottle and give it to him, because he was the one who had to feed her. Of course that had the effect, that my daughter would reject me for the first months too, since it is easier for a baby to feed from a bottle, its much more work to feed in a natural way. This has sunken and destroyed me as a woman, as a mother, as a human being. The contrast was so huge between being cared for one day and being rejected and kicked around the next, and I didnt understand what was going on, why was it all happening, it was just like a nightmare I was desperate to wake up from. Also, he immediately left the matrimony bed and moved into another room once the baby was born. Like I amd our marriage seized to exist.  After two years living like that we got divorced and I moved away from him with my daughter. It took me some time to figure out what happened, how the baby replaced that idea of me as his child to a real one, and how I suddenly got obsolete because of that. But I also missed out on my own role as such, and now I felt like an abandoned child - which in a way I was. Would I have known this place, it would have given me the perspective I needed back then - but I didn´t.  After my divorce I just had to toughen up, grow up, be there for my child and assume I wasn´t cared for, I had to be the caregiver and that was it.  

 

At the same time, sexually I then discovered s/D relationships and was lucky enough to find a man who has helped me out of the deep mud I was in, sinking slowly but surely. I learned a lot from him about myself. I got aware of my own submissive nature, I was finding myself little by little. It never became more, but he helped me out of my dispair. 

 

Fast forward many years, I got remarried to the man who is my husband now. He knows all that about me. We have met on a bdsm forum too. Yet, unfortunately sexually we are not a good match. There are several reasons for that, but its just a fact. We barely ever have sex. It´s ironic, that all my marriages are like that, given that I have a really strong sex drive, but it just happens to be that way for some reason. 

 

Anyhow, despite of the sex thing, we have been a good couple, we have fun together, we help each other and till now I thought there was trust between us, although it turns out it was just me who trusted him, he didn´t trust me that much after all. He is younger than me. He wants to have a child. As said, Im 42. Maybe I could have a last minute child yet, but not much longer anymore. But having a child is a trigger for me. My first marriage got destroyed because of it, I was left alone and had to raise her on my own, I do not feel like doing any of that again. Having a child terrifies me on many levels. 

 

Oh the irony. He tells me he ended up here because he wants to have a child and I don´t. So here he can act out his fatherly instincts. So... my marriage is getting destroyed - again. For the same reason - again. 

 

When all this came out, he deleted his account here - or so he told me. He stopped talking to the girl he was talking on here. She was on my mind eversince. Did she feel abandoned? I hope not. I know what it is like when someone you count on disappears from one day to the other. So if she is reading this, I hope she´ll understand - in the case my husband didnt explain it to her. I asked him to do so, but he said he cut all connections. To be honest he has been lying to me so much for the last months that I have no idea what to believe anymore. In any case it´s not fair. Nothing of this is fair. 

 

Sorry for making this so long. I just needed to share it here. 

The abandoned wife is always ridiculous. Even in pink. 

[Sleepless]

It hurts my heart to hear your story, it's so sad. Although you still have so much life left in you, it sounds like you feel as if you don't. I just wanted to write a comment to tell you that you still have many years ahead of you. You're not stuck in the situation that you're in because of your age. It would take a lot of work to leave him, give yourself some time to learn to focus on yourself, and finally consider building up trust with another person..,but I feel that the work would be worth the reward in this case. You shouldn't stay with a man who has completely destroyed all the trust between you and doesn't be even really own up to it. It sounds like He is making excuses and trying to blame you for what he did, which is bull. You are not to blame for your husbands misdeeds and wrongdoings. You deserve better than to accept him blaming what he did on you. You deserve better than a man who respects you so little that he would do what he did. Please don't give up because of your age, you are not stuck where you are. If you leave him you won't be alone, you'll have your daughter, and someday after you've had some time to move on and heal yourself, you would definitely be able to find someone that's a better match than him. You just have to go through the hard stuff now to get to the good stuff later. It will take hard work and a lot of patience, but I know you can do it!

 

Best luck to you no matter what you choose to do,

Sending air hugs and wishing you the best!

Edited September 25, 2017 by MachoPrincess

[Nymph]

Mabel, you sound like a sweet and wonderful woman... and I think your personality fits as a little, so in that regard there really is no excuse for your husband to go out there (well here) to look what he was missing... he was missing nothing, cheaters will cheat.

 

I am 34 and I was a late bloomer, my first ever relationship started online and it was with a married man. Back in the day my english skills were not that great and when he said he was "separated" I assumed he meant divorced. So there I was, crazy in love and we actually met, then slowly I came to realize I had become the other woman, it was heart breaking.

 

Probably because of that I have extremely low tolerance to lies and specially to cheating. I am open minded, I am cool with open relationships, polygamy, etc. but that is another story, because everyone knows and have agreed to it, there is still care and respect. So yeah, I think your current husband is a coward and a sorry excuse of a man.

 

Like you, I was attracted to foreign men, so the cultural and language barrier do tend to hide some issues you don't find until usually you are in too deep. I am sorry about your first marriage but try to think of it as a hard lesson so you never end up in that situation again. If you let it define who you are, you have a sad life ahead of you. You are worth more than that!

 

I was mostly into older men, so I stuck to dating foreigners with a big age gap... but then I met my husband who is the smartest, wisest, most responsible and mature person I have ever met... he is also one year younger than I am. Age really is just a number, up or down!! we have been married for 4 years and have a 3.5 year old boy. We are DD/lg 24/7.

 

I hope you will stick around, I think you could make good friends here and discover a part of yourself that you will really enjoy.

[Buffalo]

I sent you a friend request. I have many questions you might be able to answer for me. Please please reply! Thank you

[mabel]

Thank you so much for the kind replies! 

 

It´s been only two days, but a lot has happened.

 

Eversince I felt abandoned by my first husband I have been at war with my inner child. I hated her, because she exposed me, made me vulnerable, I felt she was the reason why my marriage got ruined and I have been repressing her for years. I wanted her to be gone. I felt that I had to be someone else, someone different, and she was just in the way. I was very angry at that part of myself. So for years I pretended she was dead and forgotten. If she acted up in me - and she has - I got angry, aggressive or annoyed. Then, I hated myself for it. I did know this inner conflict wasn´t doing any good for me. Being at war with part of ones self is never healthy. I did try to work on it, but I couldnt embrace that little girl. There was too much going on against her, so I sabotaged my whole self, just to get rid of her. 

 

Discovering this place has changed things in me. It made me remember her. Reading posts here made her glow up in me. While I felt I am being abandoned by my husband, I felt her coming back to life. She helped with the pain, she helped me cry, she helped me back into a state of innocence and pureness. The whole shock to my system when my husband expressed his intention to leave me, made my toughened up self to crumble. I was back to my little self, and I didnt have energy to sabotage her anymore, so she just walked out and started to breath through me. It´s been so long, I completely forgot how it felt to be her. It feels really good. Much easier than to be that worn out, depressed woman I have become.  

We have all been children and innocent once. We have all learned about the tough life and the cruel world. We all have to endure failure and rejection. Of course that changes people. In my case self defense turned out to be self sabotage. 

 

When I met my current husband it was not love at first sight, but it was, somehow, feeling at ease, feeling at home at first sight. 

I would fight it, I didn´t want to remarry, and he didnt push it, but he was patient and very determined. There is some sort of secret code, something that made us feel we were good for each other, but we couldnt ever put a finger on it. 

 

He took care of me and it was so difficult for me to accept. I was proud I could take care of myself, but deep inside there was nothing I would have wanted more. But I couldnt even think of trusting it, and I kept pushing him away. And he kept staying by my side. 

 

It must be terrible for a caregiver to be rejected that way, carrying his gifts with himself, never being able to give them to anyone - they slowly become a burden. I didn´t want it. I didn´t want to be cared for, because I felt that it would have meant I was weak.  I would have killed that needy little in me if I could have, long ago. So... I guess he started to feel useless in our relationship. There has always been a strong feeling between us, that we belong together. The problems, the chalenges never seemed to override that. So when he said he was thinking about leaving, it was a surprise.

 

Then - learning about this place. The things it did to me.... Nymph suggesting me to stick around here...  Somehow all this broke a barrier in me, like I couldnt pretend anymore. 

 

I moved to another room, it hurted a lot to be with him in the same room, knowing he was heading away. Even to exchange words caused physical pain. But I needed him to be around, so when he asked me if he can come over and talk, I was releaved. 

 

I don´t know what happened, but something has clicked between us. Like when the pieces of a machine finally click to their place.  Maybe suddenly he saw the little girl in me, because I couldnt go on acting anymore. He touched my arm and his touch was different. It was filled with caring and love, I don´t remember to have ever felt anything like that before. It was like understanding at once who he is, and who I am, and why are we together in the first place. And in the middle of our crisis, on the edge of the complete distruction of our entire life - we have found each other and it felt like it was for the first time.  We fell in a new kind of love with each other and it just feels right. I dont feel that angry anymore, he says my smile is different, and the look in me eyes is different too. On the other hand I feel I can rely on him, I can fall and he will catch me.  I know all this might sound weird, that I learn to trust him just when he starts to lie to me. But I wasn´t treating him right either and I made him repress himself as well, so I guess he was desperate not to loose himself completely.  Plus, I feel I can´t be worried about the future all the time, I really needed this. All of it. And if our marriage won´t survive, I still learned to embrace myself on the way, the whole packge, and that is a really big deal. 

 

But I hope our marriage will survive. I hope I can make him happy, now that I understand who he is. Now that I can accept him to be that for me.  I know for a fact now, that what he has to offer is exactly what i need and it´s even more than I have ever wished for. 
I´m not even completely sure at this point what was keeping us together all these years, but whatever it was I am very glad it has. It seems now that we were practically strangers to each other. At least compared to the depth we have found now. 

 

Just one more thing i wanted to say, I know I am making this post way too long, but just one more little thing. 

 

When I first logged in here, I didnt want to use any nicks I use elsewhere, and I wanted to give myself just any name, something I wouldnt even really associate myself with. When I was about 6-7 years old, I used to listen to Alice in Wonderland on LP, and the name "Mabel" jumped to my mind, and I remotely remembered I heard that name in that story. I didn´t think of it too much, it was just an intuitive thing, so I typed in "Mabel" and it was free to pick, so it became my nick here.
This morning I was wondering about this name and thought I would look into it. I found that part of the book Alice in Wondeland (chapter two) where the name Mabel apears.

I was really surprized of what I found and it even made me cry. here´s what it was:  

 

"'Dear, dear! How queer everything is to-day! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is, Who in the world am I? [...] I'm sure I can't be Mabel, for I know all sorts of things, and she, oh! she knows such a very little! Besides, she's she, and I'm I, and—oh dear, how puzzling it all is! I'll try if I know all the things I used to know. Let me see: four times five is twelve, and four times six is thirteen, and four times seven is—oh dear! I shall never get to twenty at that rate! However, the Multiplication Table doesn't signify: let's try Geography. London is the capital of Paris, and Paris is the capital of Rome, and Rome—no, that's all wrong, I'm certain! I must have been changed for Mabel! I'll try and say "How doth the little—"' and she crossed her hands on her lap as if she were saying lessons, and began to repeat it, but her voice sounded hoarse and strange, and the words did not come the same as they used to do:—

 

'How doth the little crocodile

Improve his shining tail,

And pour the waters of the Nile

On every golden scale!

'How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spread his claws,
And welcome little fishes in
With gently smiling jaws!'
 

'I'm sure those are not the right words,' said poor Alice, and her eyes filled with tears again as she went on, 'I must be Mabel after all, and I shall have to go and live in that poky little house, and have next to no toys to play with, and oh! ever so many lessons to learn! No, I've made up my mind about it; if I'm Mabel, I'll stay down here! It'll be no use their putting their heads down and saying "Come up again, dear!" I shall only look up and say "Who am I then? Tell me that first, and then, if I like being that person, I'll come up: if not, I'll stay down here till I'm somebody else"—but, oh dear!' cried Alice, with a sudden burst of tears, 'I do wish they would put their heads down! I am so very tired of being all alone here!'

Edited September 27, 2017 by mabel

[Guest infinitecases]

I'm so glad things are going better for you. Sometimes things happen when you least expect them or sometimes you realise things have a lot more meaning than they seem to! I hope you can sort through all the things that happened with your husband soon.

[Guest Alainnb]

I'm so happy everything turned out fine!
Your story actually reminded me of something I read on a 50-years-married card somewhere:

" "And Mr, how were you able to be married for so long? Many divorce after a time"
The old man thinks shortly and then answers with a smile.
" Because when I grew up, we repaired things that weren't working instead of throwing them away" "

It's awesome you two found a way to" repair" your relationship, to turn it into something new and wonderful   
That's how relationships work after all, it's always a process of finding out more about yourself and your partner. 
Good luck you two! <3 

 

( Edit: A typo in " years", it was "yeard )

Edited September 27, 2017 by Alainnb