is it selfish?

[theoddpetal]

I'll get to the question soon, but first a little back story. I recently got out of a deep state of depression that lasted over nine months. My anxiety had built up to the point where just thinking about having to go to school and meet people gave me mild panic attacks, despite being academically successful and having good relations with my school peers. Under all that self inflicting stress I was unable to see that I was actually making friends and that those minor mistakes I made in my assignments didn't mean the end of the world, and I just quit. For a short while it felt as though this huge weight was lifted off of me and I could breath again. That lasted less than a month. This was the second time I quit under anxiety induced stress. The only difference between the first time and this time is that I had a job outside of school the first time. Even after quitting, I had a schedule to follow and something to occupy my mind and body almost everyday.

I returned to my family home for personal reasons and started school again. This second time I had no schedule to follow and I fell so deep into depression that I hermited myself from the family in my own house. For over nine months the only time I came out of my room was to eat, use the bathroom and wash my clothes. 

Now, I'm in my home country (born and semi-raised in Hawaii, but am (mostly) Micronesian) helping out with the family shops and I restart school in January (third times the charm, right?). My question is this: I don't consider myself a little, or even a middle, so is it selfish to want a Daddy to help keep on the right track?

Of course this isn't the only reason. I love the dynamic between a little and a Caregiver, or between a sub and a Dom. It was the relationship aspect of it all that made me dive deeper into BDSM and Ddlg. But the more I learn about the two communities the more I realize I don't really fit as a little, middle or sub. Okay, I am a little sub. I just wonder that if I don't consider myself to belong to any of these categories, is it really alright for me to even be looking for a Daddy? Are my reasons selfish?

Edited October 22, 2017 by theoddpetal

[Guest McLeodLot65]

No, absolutely not selfish. You like the dynamic and would be doing it anyway. Plus, having help with everyday struggles is a benefit of *every* loving relationship. You would help your Daddy if they needed help with something, wouldn't you? Same thing.

[Poppa Bear]

Not really selfish I would say just someone who needs somebody that cares enough to make sure you are well and doing the things you need to do. Someone that will listen when you need to talk and be there for you. We all want that in some form or the other.

[Guest pacibrat]

Just be open, and honest, with the person when talking to them about what you want and don't want.  If a Daddy is interested in that dynamic with you, then great.

[A Cuddly Dom]

I don't think your reasons are completely selfish, but perhaps a bit misguided. I would strongly recommend that you seek out help for your anxiety and depression, and get a comprehensive treatment plan underway before seeking out a relationship.

 

I can tell you from experience that without proper treatment, your condition will continue to interfere in your life, and will make a romantic relationship nearly impossible. My last partner struggled with the same problems, and ultimately, it was her refusal to get real help that led to our breakup. It was tragic.

 

Understand that Doms are not superhuman. Even if a partner could provide you some structure and discipline, it won't change the real issue at hand. Taking care of yourself properly and getting the right kind of help now will make it possible for you to date in the future and figure out where you really want to be in the lifestyle.

 

Again, I really recommend that you sit down with your family and discuss getting help with your anxiety and depression. Remember also that having these problems is not your fault. These disorders are almost always the result of genetics. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get proper treatment.

 

I hope this advice was helpful. Best wishes and good luck to you.

 

ACD

[Guest pacibrat]

^^^^ Eep, so smart! What Cuddly Dom said is perfect.

[theoddpetal]

I don't think your reasons are completely selfish, but perhaps a bit misguided. I would strongly recommend that you seek out help for your anxiety and depression, and get a comprehensive treatment plan underway before seeking out a relationship.

 

I can tell you from experience that without proper treatment, your condition will continue to interfere in your life, and will make a romantic relationship nearly impossible. My last partner struggled with the same problems, and ultimately, it was her refusal to get real help that led to our breakup. It was tragic.

 

Understand that Doms are not superhuman. Even if a partner could provide you some structure and discipline, it won't change the real issue at hand. Taking care of yourself properly and getting the right kind of help now will make it possible for you to date in the future and figure out where you really want to be in the lifestyle.

 

Again, I really recommend that you sit down with your family and discuss getting help with your anxiety and depression. Remember also that having these problems is not your fault. These disorders are almost always the result of genetics. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to get proper treatment.

 

I hope this advice was helpful. Best wishes and good luck to you.

 

ACD

 

First of all, thank you to everyone who replied. 

To A Cuddly Dom,

 

I appreciate the kind and well meant advice, but it did leave me feeling as though I didn't explain myself well enough and, honestly, a little defensive. What I wish to get out of a ddlg relationship isn't a substitute therapist. I want an honest to (some non-religious equivalent to God) loving, mutually caring relationship with full communication. I want the fighting, the making up, the trying to understand and talking to each other until I actually do understand, the experimenting, the playful, the serious, the perfect non-perfect relationship. I understand the work that goes into a relationship like that. I'm not looking for a superhuman.

My "little" bit of sub includes wanting to be the "good girl" and having someone there to acknowledge it. I just feel as though, personally, I don't need to be a "little" girl to be a "good" girl. Yes, I absolutely, 100% agree that I need professional help for my depression and anxiety. I had it for a bit while I was in the states and where it was available. I am now in what is considered to most a third world country, where mental issues are of no concern. I have no local resources and haven't the financial means to afford online options. So as much I understand that Daddies are not superheroes, a little structure and discipline would go a long way for me. And that's not to say that's all I want from a Daddy. I really hope I'm getting this across right...

 

Sorry if that came off as stand-offish. I didn't make the message of my question clear. What I was trying to get at was that because I know I'm not the typical little, I was worried that I would come off as selfish for even looking for a Daddy. I guess I was just looking for permission to join in on the search for a Daddy. Permission from who? who knows. I just felt as though I had a sin and I needed to confess.

Edited October 22, 2017 by theoddpetal

[A Cuddly Dom]

I think I understand your position. A lot of Doms/Dommes within the wide spectrum of BDSM have CG characteristics. Using myself as an example, I identify myself as being a Daddy type of Dom, though I have expanded myself beyond the narrow scope of DD/lg specifically.

 

You could likely find a partner in this particular dynamic that could provide you with what you need and desire in a relationship. There's no set in stone model of who you need to be in order to participate in the lifestyle. I don't know you personally, but it's possible that you might identify more as a middle, if you experience mild age regression. Or, you could be more of the subby type who leans more towards the lighter end of the BDSM spectrum.

 

As far as your concerns that it might be wrong to look for a Daddy when you don't identify as a little in the usual sense, there's no need to feel like you're in the wrong place. As long as you are upfront and honest about yourself,your needs, and your wants then you're good to go. Honesty, open communication, and trust form the foundation of any relationship. So, if you find a Daddy that doesn't necessarily need a partner who is a little in the usual sense, that may work out well for you.

 

As an aside, I would like to emphasise the importance of being true to yourself. If you should find yourself with a Dom of any stripe that starts trying to move you towards assuming a role you feel doesn't work for you, you have the right to step away from that. This can happen in any sub category of the lifestyle, and happens with vanilla relationships as well.

 

So, perhaps you could sit down and write out all of the things you are really wanting in your future relationship. Ask yourself serious questions about what kind of dominance you wish to experience. Then, use that as a template for a personal ad here. You might also want to visit other sites and get a feel for other dynamics as well.

 

Regardless of what decisions you make in the future, know that you have a place here. We are an inclusive community, so there's no need to feel as if you don't fit. There are lots of lovely people here to make friends with, no matter how you wish to express yourself romantically.

 

Best wishes.

ACD

[Guest DeOriginalMittens]

I feel as long as you inform the individual ahead of time of what they are to expect, then there is nothing wrong with it. If you are lying to try and get your way, then it will always be wrong. There is no reason to deceive someone for something you could easily get by being honest. However, with you asking, it makes me feel like you would always inform the individual ahead of time in which case, it isn't selfish at all, as long as you can give them something in return. Like not making it one sided. I don't know, I have questioned myself as well when it comes to what I am exactly, however I love the relationship between daddies and littles and some doms and subs also. But, I've also thought about leaving the DDLG lifestyle a few times.