Little Responsibility

[Little Illy]

*Waves* Hello everyone! I will be writing about a sensitive topic today and I wanted to try to keep the peace. I am not saying this issue occurs with every person, nor am I saying that it even happens with a majority of them. However, it is something commonly seen in our community and it is worrisome. I will be only using DDlg titles only for lack of time and space - I do not discredit any other member or role. 

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Being A Little

All of us littles have one thing in common; we are littles. We submit to our DDs in ways thay fulfill each of us, and it makes our lives and relationships happy and healthy. A little is allowed to regress and be carefree and cared for and loved and loving and just overall cute and happy. And who doesn't want to be cute and happy? However. Being a little can be extremely daunting and confusing at times, like trying to know when you have to own up to what is going on or let your DD handle it.

The mindset of a little is that of an adult who is relinquishing control of aspects of their lives. This can be challenging for those who have an Alpha streak (like I do) and therefore it can stump us when a situation arises that needs Big Us when we are feeling little. Do we snap out of our mindset and let our Big side take over? Do we remain Little? Do we look towards our DD for guidance? It is very tricky. Very. But that is okay! That is why we have support in our lives, for when things are confusing.

The key to being a little is balance; we must balance our day-to-day life, balance our relationship, balance our dynamic, balance our little (as to not feel neglectful to ourselves) and so much more. This can be hard for anyone to do, and it isn't singular to littles. It just happens to be the key to anyone who has an "alternative" dynamic-based relationship. And DDs have to find the opposite, yet symbiotic, balance as well. And this gets harder the younger the age of the little is (like 18-22yo). Of course I am not saying 18-22yos can't balance their lives in a healthy fashion. I am simply stating that young (new) adults have a harder time because they are just getting introduced to the world. That is the time WE ALL made mistakes and found difficult times (or there abouts). This balance is so important because it allows us to be who we are, all the while we are taking care of our Big Responsibilities as well.

 

Common Trend

So why am I writing this, what point am I trying to make? Well, there seems to be a common misconception with a lot of littles (especially younger ones, who may be trepiditious), and its that a little doesn't really have any responsibilities anymore. In some extreme cases I have seen (IRL actually) where the DD has actually morphed into a parental figure because the little literally refused to do anything. Pay bills, go to work, cook, clean, work on the relationship, etc. She only wanted to play and get attention and affection. That relationship didn't last, thankfully, but I am seeing so many of the same similarities here.

As a Little we have an obligation to still remain the adults that we are. And if we cannot do that, then we are not old enough, mature enough, understanding enough or whatever to be in a relationship. DDlg is not an excuse to live a life of gluttony, and it especially isn't fair to your partner. Sure, some people actually love this exclusive dependcency, and I am not talking about them. I am talking about littles who are with Daddies that want to be with a little as an equal and a partner. We MUST retain the adult aspect of who we are or we are just hurting the ones we are with (again if they aren't the dependent types). Being a little isn't a golden ticket to never work again, to avoid adult interactions, to negate your basic staples of health (diet, exercise, doctors visits, hydration, medication, school, work, etc) and most importantly, to take care of your DD. 

DDs are humans too, they need love, affection and care just as much as we do. But some littles see the dynamic as a relationship where they are showered with attention and care yet they don't provide for their DDs when it is needed. If your Daddy is sick, or depressed, or hurt or anything, we littles have a responsibility to help tend to Daddy just as much as he does to his little. A lot of people look at this dynamic as a real one-way street: "I get to be in littlespace all the timeeeee!" or even "She has to listen to everything I say, the minute I say it, no matter what." It does goes both ways. And neither are healthy (again, unless it all communication has been exhausted and both people are happy with the arrangement). Just because we are little, that doesn't mean we aren't first and foremost an adult.

 

The Trickle Down Affect

Because this dynamic does coddle the spoiled and enabled lifestyle of the little (hey, I like it to!   ), it can foster a certain mindset that is healthy for anyone. No matter what your preference is. And that is the created notion that the little shouldn't or can't discuss their relationship openly. And I will be frank here, I am not talking about the situations where the Daddy doesn't allow the little wiggle room in their dynamic (that is abusive and should be avoided - unless discussed), but rather the case when the little refuses to tell her Daddy what is bothering her in the relationship.

Going through the forum it is staggering how many littles don't feel right (in any one way) discuss negative aspects of their relationship with the one person who can make a difference, their parnter. You see this littles asking for advice on something, yet they haven't even broache the topic to their Daddy. We are spectaters, and worse yet, we are only hearing one side of the story (in this case the littles). We cannot provide you with any idea on how your Daddy is going to act, react, feel, want or need. Only you and him can figure this out.

AND ALL LITTLES HAVE THIS RESPONSBILITY!

Just because we are little doesn't mean we should stick our heads in littlespace and hope problems go away. Yes these things are scary, but if a little cannot talk to their Daddy... why is she with him? He can't help in anyway without knowing what is going on on her end. And if you think he can just guess and things will get better (or worse, understand hints and vague references), I am sorry to say, he can't. No one can. Not unless the little sits down and discusses with him what is wrong. OUTSIDE of the dynamic's frame. Not in any mindset where one partner has control or power over the other. You two have to talk as equals, as adults, as partners. Otherwise, things will never change.

This is an 18+ site for a reason - the DDlg dynamic is extremely dense, complex, fluid and complicated. Only adults have the vital tools necessary for even understanding this dynamic fully (and hell, I still dont at 26yo with 6yrs of hardcore research and moving to another country to be with my Daddy). Is that a shot at teenagers? Hell no, it is a testiment to how amazingly intricate our world is as a member of the DDlg community. But this complex nature takes its toll on those who cannot process the different elements. And a key component is being mature enough to go to your parnter is wrong. And not using the exuse of "I'm too little, it is scary." I don't mean to sound harsh, but if a little uses her littleness as a reason she cannot discuss parts of the relationship (like sex/porn, regression, submission, rules, triggers, limits, etc) then she isn't ready for one. If it is THAT scary, please read what the mind is telling you: You are NOT ready. And that is PERFECTLY OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Learn to intergrate yourself and the community and make friends. Learn who you are as a little, understand what you need and want from your Daddy, the dynamic and the relationship. 

But wait, Illy... those things are so hard to figure out and can take a long time... why should y'all have to wait for a partner when you have a good idea? Well, you're right, if you are comfortable and ready to communicat the leve every relationship needs, as well as the added depth of the dynamic, then go for it! Even if you still have no idea who you are as a little, if you communicate, then you're problems will be solved either easily or happily with your partner. 

 

Ultimately...

If you can't communicate with your parnter, then the relationship should be rethought. But even more importantly, we littles need to make sure we aren't using our identity as an excuse to take the easy way out in our day-to-day life. We need to never forget that we are little yes, but we are MORE than just a little. We are parents, students, workers, friends, siblings and so much more. If we hide behind our identity, we will lose a lot more in the end.

 

[Author's Note: This has not been proofread or edited. My apologies for any errors.]

[Angel24]

This was wonderfully written:) I've literally been asked before by another little as to why I don't quit school and just be little all day...still to this day I can't believe someone would even suggest that. I know when I need to be an adult and when it's appropriate to act little and I definitely would never assume my Daddy (if living circumstances were different) would take care of my every need so that I could sit home all day and just be little. I would completely hate myself if I did that. I am guilty of not always talking out issues with my Daddy, but I choose to keep them to myself and not post them(although that's mostly because my Daddy is on the forum too XD) . I completely understand why people do make posts asking for advice, seeing as they're probably mostly confused and simply looking for some simple advice.

I do think there are lots of littles out there who could benefit from your post. A lot of the littles I interact with know they also need to live their adult but the ones who don't I'll never understand. I hope the ones that don't want to live like an adult find your post and read it carefully:) Highfive from me

[Guest Little Otter]

As a new little I really appreciated reading this. Thank you for putting so much effort into it post

[Guest BabyPeach]

I completely agree with you.  I think people go into a relationship where the dominant partner allows them to avoid adulting because adulting is hard.  I get it.  The problem with this is that relationships no longer last a lifetime (okay, it can, but let's be realistic).  When that relationship ends, the little is out in the cold.  At that point, they have no career in which to make decent money or any money to live on (because they didn't go to school or stay in the working world), and they are seriously lacking life skills to get through everyday, mundane tasks.  As a woman (and most littles tend to be females), I despise this.  Women (well, everyone actually) HAVE to have a way to make their own money and live on their own if the need arises.  Also, it's never wise to leave the working world and rely on another human being for complete support because that puts you in a situation that you, often literally, have no escape from (and this is how abusive relationships fester, grow and continue indefinitely).

 

I also agree with you on the caregiver situation.  Still, if that older (and let's face it....usually much older....as in, should be wiser.....operative word: should) caregiver allows an emotionally immature teenager (and let's be real....most teenagers are emotionally immature anyway) to avoid adulting completely, they SHOULDN'T expect them to step up when they're feeling down or whatever.  Teenagers don't have the life skills needed sometimes to be that for someone else and it's even worse if they're encouraging that teenager to be child-like all the time.

 

There should be a healthy balance of encouragement and growth on both sides, but you always have to factor in the ages of those in the relationship.

[Guest SUeB]

Great post. Thank you for saying a lot of things that this girl thinks on a regular basis (but not always as politely as you, lol). It's ridiculous. There are girls that go crazy when anyone dare suggest they actually ARE an adult. Yes, you are an adult. Well, hopefully, anyway. And if not, then that means, by definition, you are NOT a little.

If these people can't accept that, then no way should they think they're mature enough to get into an ADULT relationship in the first place.

[DollDirector]

Totally agree that,often,it is difficult to help on the forum because it is so obvious that we are being given only one side of the story. At times I don't comment anything,because of that.

However,we also have to make do,people have a right to try and get help about what bothers them.

 

There is a solution: It is to rise up to what should be an obvious standard: IF YOU GET COMMENTS THEN SHOW SOME SORT OF APPRECIATION and perhaps comment on the comments ...

Experienced inspired members are going to get fed-up and wary of answering questions from people who they suspect the next day will be nowhere to be seen and won't have said anything. I will,whenever I have time,now try to share any thoughts that I hope help,with people whom I have seen BEHAVING NOT JUST LIKE CONSUMERS ...

[CaresAlot]

Thanks for taking the time and the effort to write this up.  I can only imagine how long it took and how many times you had to rethink some things.  You got some really good balance between being informative or blunt when needed.

 

Some really good girls helped me unlearn some of the guy things we do.  Guys think that they should know what they are doing, that's why we hate to ask for directions.  Two big things as guys that we need to be better at is saying "I don't know, lets go find out".  The second thing is to ask her, "do you like this or what can I do to make us better".  No time is this more crucial than at the start of a relationship.  Over time you will learn, but asking doesn't make you look like you don't know anything.  Littles can help build that dynamic by telling there DD or CG that you don't expect them to know everything and like learning together.  As a guy, don't assume ask - your Little does not come with an instruction book.

 

Expectations and communications are where relationships live or die.  You laid it out very well and a good foundation for lots of us.  

[Guest Arc]

I love this. It says everything I try tell people on posts on a near daily basis. Perhaps this should be required reading  

[TwilightSparklez]

Good gracious all of that, that is what I have been trying to find a way to say. This is brilliant can we make this a stickie? 

[Little Illy]

Great post. Thank you for saying a lot of things that this girl thinks on a regular basis (but not always as politely as you, lol). It's ridiculous. There are girls that go crazy when anyone dare suggest they actually ARE an adult. Yes, you are an adult. Well, hopefully, anyway. And if not, then that means, by definition, you are NOT a little.

If these people can't accept that, then no way should they think they're mature enough to get into an ADULT relationship in the first place.

 

I love this. It says everything I try tell people on posts on a near daily basis. Perhaps this should be required reading

 

Not gonna lie, I worked this up so  when I go through the forum and I see these types of posts then i'm just going to link this thread. I type up this kind of response (though not nearly as in depth) so frequently that now... I just simply have to copy and paste the link... XD

 

 

But seriously I am glad this post is getting positive feedbadk. It wasn't my intentions to tear down any little in any light. However, we are a community and we all would like to see it thrive. That can't happen if new littles, young littles, inexperienced littles or simply unknowing littles don't understand that being a little doesn't mean you are not an adult. 

[neworder]

The problem with this is that relationships no longer last a lifetime (okay, it can, but let's be realistic).  When that relationship ends, the little is out in the cold.  At that point, they have no career in which to make decent money or any money to live on (because they didn't go to school or stay in the working world), and they are seriously lacking life skills to get through everyday, mundane tasks.  As a woman (and most littles tend to be females), I despise this.  

 

Yep. I like to give structure and order to the chaos that is her world and let her learn how to learn to cope with it all...

 

From my intro: My goal is to make a little no longer need a daddy; yes, to put me out of a job!

[PrincessKittenCupcake]

When I first stumbled upon DDLG, I was lucky enough to meet some very experienced DD's who gave me a lot of great advice. The common theme among all of them was that their former Littles had "grown up." They were no longer needed. The structure and training these DD's provided was meant to help their Little reach their full potential, as opposed to helping them avoid becoming an adult.  

 

Coming to this forum, I was blown away by the questions Daddies would ask. Do you work? Do you drive? Etc. I was so confused. It would never occur to me to ask a grown adult, barring some kind of medical/health issue, these types of questions. I'm not ACTUALLY a child. It was kind of frightening, to be honest. I remember thinking, "I must not be a Little after all." I remember reading the kinds of posts you mentioned, and thinking that Littles ARE helpless, that being Little means giving up any and all independence. I wonder how many other people, new to DDLG, read those posts and assume that that's what DDLG is. 

[Little Illy]

I remember reading the kinds of posts you mentioned, and thinking that Littles ARE helpless, that being Little means giving up any and all independence. I wonder how many other people, new to DDLG, read those posts and assume that that's what DDLG is. 

 

This is actually why I post the things I do - when I see a common theme in threads (in this case, Littles wanting to literally be a child), I tend to write out an explaination. Sometimes I am wrong, sometimes I am right. But it is absolutely terrifying to see new members take some of these mannerisms to heart (not just with the issue in this thread), and its through no fault of their own. They don't know any better most of the time.

[Lola Step]

Agree with this so much, if anything the fact that Im a little and an adult makes boths sides of my personality compliment each other- Being an adult and having responsibilities makes me appreciate my little side and makes me cherish the little space time i get, and my little side helps me find joy in having 'big girl' responsibilities, it's like a perfect yinyang combination :P

[Guest littlegirl707]

What a great topic and so well written. Thankyou so much. I think its so important that littles get this. This should be required reading. 

[Little Illy]

 it's like a perfect yinyang combination :p

 

That is the thing - if a little ignores his/her big side it is no longer healthy. That balance has been broken and now he/she will have a harder time functioning because they ignore their adult side.

[Lil' Miss Dolly]

Bree, we need to honestly put a board together called Living Skills for Littles. Just collect all this and paste it in one place. Like a primer for anyone considering this dynamic.

[Little Illy]

Bree, we need to honestly put a board together called Living Skills for Littles. Just collect all this and paste it in one place. Like a primer for anyone considering this dynamic.

 

*Meep* Tanks! but collect what? XD

[Guest littlegirl707]

Yes ThankYou This should be required reading. 

[Guest grumpystrawberry]

I think a lot of the problem is that so many people come into the Cg/l scene looking to jump right in because it seems so much more carefree and easy compared to the other D/s dynamics out there. It's easy for people to forget that Cg/l is part of a much bigger picture, and they often skip over or skim through the history, psychology, and purpose of the D/s dynamic. I would suggest those interested in Cg/l take some time to educate themselves not only about Cg/l, but BDSM in general, and learn the ways that D/s dynamics can be used to help people face problems and progress in life. It's so much more fulfilling and can help people figure out what it is they want from a relationship. 

 

There are lots of online resources for further education on the subject of D/s and BDSM. For example, Youtube channels like Brittany Simon, Evie Lupine, and MorganThorneBDSM have a wealth of information on the history, etiquette, terminology, etc. of BDSM. I've learned quite a lot from them.

 

There are also many websites and blogs, such as Submissive Guide, that can give you an insight into what it's like to actually live in a D/s dynamic.

 

I'd also suggest making friends with littles and Daddies that are much more experienced and can help you with any questions or problems that come up during your journey. This forum and Fetlife are good places for that, obviously.

 

I'd also like to just say that I'm not suggesting these things to Littles ONLY. Caregivers should educate themselves, too.

 

You can never know and understand too much or be too prepared before actually getting into a dynamic relationship. It will give you a better grasp on what to expect and boost your confidence as a Little or Caregiver!

 

Another suggestion I have is that you get to know the person as a PERSON before introducing the dynamic roles into the equation. Remember that the Cg/l dynamic is just one part of a bigger picture. We are all people with different personalities, interests, and goals outside of Cg/l. All of these outside things are just as important as what we expect from a Caregiver or a Little, and they even have a direct influence on what we expect from the other person. So, it's going to up your chances of a successful D/s relationship if you take it slow, as long as both of you need, to get to know each other first beforehand.

 

I'm sorry if I'm just repeating what the OP was saying. I just felt the need to post this comment. It felt appropriate. 

 

I really like that the OP brought this up. It was on my mind as well. Thanks for putting into words for us!

[Princess Kerri]

Thank you so much for sharing this!!

[Lil' Miss Dolly]

*Meep* Tanks! but collect what? XD

Your collection of posts.

[Child Of Light]

Wonderful topic.

 

I'm a cross between an D/s and DDLG relationship: and a stay at home. I am a stay at home: *due to physical disabilities*. However, I have my bills I pay, my responsibilities (house chores, cooking, prepping meals), setting up small things my S/o doesn't have time for. I'm also fighting for my life and doing chemotherapy (that in itself is a full time job). Being a Submissive or Little doesn't take away from me being an adult. My partner and I share EQUAL respoanblity in sharing whats wrong, how we are feeling, what we can do with each other to make each other more comfortable/ happy (in and outside the power exchange dynamic).

Edited May 1, 2018 by Child Of Light

[Kresaera]

There was a time in my little life that I didn't pay bills, but it was because of my anxiety and I wasn't aware yet of being a little. Daddy literally sat me down one day and took my responsibility away from me. All I was responsible for was the house and the kids (which are still huge responsibilities) because I was literally going insane. Little by little, I've gained more responsibility. Now I'm responsible to pay our phone and our cable and to save $100 for our rent. Sometimes Daddy has to remind me, but I'm getting better.

 

I also have held a 40+ hour a week job for the past 4 years. I've raised 2 kids to teenagers (So far) and they are happy and healthy. They NEVER see the little side of me. However, they see my affectionate marriage and how happy their father and I am. I'm trying to set a good example of a happy relationship. I'm just a bit more fun than their friends mom's lol

 

I am an adult, first and foremost. I'm an adult with some mental illness issues and I'm an adult with a husband who recognized those issues and scooped me up and loved me back together. I've never felt love or trust like I have since we officially became dd/lg and I've honestly never been happier.

 

If he would just stop snoring...then life would be perfect.

[Little_Ghoul]

As a little who is a stay at home wife with health issues, I can say without a doubt, independence and compromise is the hallmark of any good relationship; Cg/l or otherwise. I know it can seem fun to give up full control of all your independence and with that, all your adult problems. But, as someone who had their independence compromised unwillingly, trust me, it is not all it seems and it has its own consequences.

 

 

Thank you so much Little Illy for writing such an eloquent response to a growing epidemic in our community.