A question about punishments

[Bluebells]

Do you have punishments, if so are they effective?

 

The idea of punishments scare me... In the past I was in an abusive relationship where if I didn't do or say the right thing (i.e. if I broke a rule) there'd be consequences. To me, having rules and punishments just reminds me of this.

 

Some of the punishments I've heard people use do sound scary to me, especially the sexual ones. I mean, I can be quite kinky when I want to be, but the idea of my daddy making me do something to punish me for how I've acted feels completely wrong to me. 

 

I understand that, for the majority of people in a relationship with rules and punishments, chances are they're not abusive relationships. But I just don't understand how!

 

I think I'm probably missing something here in my understanding of everything

[princess-harley]

I can only speak for myself, but to me rules and punishment are actually fun and part of the dynamic. But you should under no circumstances feel pressured to include punishments or rules, especially not if they make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. It's absolutely understandable that you are not into that, after the experiences you've had and there really is no need to do something that doesn't make you feel good. DDlg is so much more than just rules and punishment, so you do you

[Guest lalalaluna]

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Edited May 1, 2018 by nightynightluna

[Guest Arc]

Rules and punishments can be fun, but both require a certain level of trust and both should only ever be what you are able to handle. You need to appreciate that rules and consequences in this dynamic require consent. They will never be anything like the abuse you have experienced because you can disagree to rules and you can stop punishments with safe words if you need to. 

 

I was in a not so ideal relationship for a while and it messed me up in some ways and I struggled with similar things. It took me a long time to understand that my Daddy wasn't punishing me in anger. That he was doing it to correct me because he cared and wanted me to be the best that I could be. 

 

Abuse is done without care, but a Daddy should only punish with good intentions and never do something you aren't consenting to. The intentions are completely different, and when you learn to understand that things will become easier and less scary. 

[Hastings]

While punishments can be a significant part of the dynamic they are not a mandatory part of the dynamic. The sub always gets the final say on most matters. Period. At least, that’s how it should be given that the sub is the much more vulnerable person in the dynamic. If you do not feel comfortable being punished then you can demand that punishments be left out of the dynamic with a Dom. That is perfectly fine. And a Dom who cares about you will understand and work around your limits.

As a Dom, if a sub I was with ever needed a dynamic that didn’t have punishments I would be fine with that. Respect and trust are the elements that these relationships must be built upon. If a Dom respects you and is worthy of your trust then they won’t force you to do anything that would be mentally/emotionally harmful to you. What I would recommend is talking with the Dom you consider for the dynamic about your limits (not being punished) and establish a system that works for both of you while also respecting your limits.

[Little Illy]

There is nothing missing, nothing wrong and nothing to be upset by the fact some (or all) rules and punishments don't work for you. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what everyone else does, it matters what makes you happy and healthy. And if you have a Dom who doesn't understand that or doesn't want that to be the case, he simply isn't the Daddy for you. No one should pressure you into somethin that triggers memories of abuse.

 

Here is a megathread of Rules and Punishments. I suggest scrolling through it if you want to read up more on ruoles and punishments. But at the same time, don't feel obligated to do so! Whatever works for you, works for you. Anyways, here is the megathread: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/27958-rewards-and-punishmentsfunishments-ideas-charts-etc/ (SFW). I hope everything works out!

[LittleKitten13]

I could maybe do rules (brush your teeth, fold your laundry every Wednesday, work out) because I struggle with things like that, but punishments would NOT be a good thing for me.  I hate disappointing people or making them upset, so just the thought of Papa being disappointed would make me want to do as told.  Or if I obeyed the rules getting stickers and rewards.  But punishments feel too much like, "I'm upset with you and so I'm doing this to you."

And sexual punishments would be out of the question for me....

[baby_k]

I hate any kind of expectations people may have for me as disapointing people is not something I like to do. This means I don't like rules and I'm really wary of punishments as I see them as just extra stress factor ( and even abuse for one could use them to express their anger ). For me just not succeeding on something should be enough.

 

Rules are or should be there for the benefit of the little. Like "drink enough water during the day". For some it helps them to actually achieve those things. And some just love rules ( maybe you remember person like that from school..... ), and some get feeling of care and love if their partner shows them limits and pays attention to what they do.

 

Even I said that I don't like rules, I have wanted to have rule "do not run away from the relationship". That is because I have had bad tendency to try to get rid of highly emotional and stressfull situations with almost any means -also by ending the relationship. It is not something I want to do, and I should be able to talk calmly and only after long discussions and such end my relationship if needed. But never to do that in the heat of the moment.

For me that rule was like contract, agreement as even if I'm super emotional, I still will keep my word even if that means really gritting my teeth. So, it helped ME mentally to be in that situation and act the way I wanted and to calm down. It was all about me, and had nothing to do with my partner.

 

If you don't like punishments, don't have them. Simple. Same applies with rules.

 

Some people seem to act like they are somehow necessary part of the dynamic but that is not true like the people above prove. Normally cherry picking the best stuff is not seen as great thing but when it comes to choosing the parts you want to have in your relationship, it is highly advisable No sense in getting into stuff you don't like or worse: makes you feel bad and stressed.