My little doesn't want to voice / video chat, and I really want that! What can I do?

[Guest Professor Optics]

I've been chatting with my little partner for about 4 weeks now. It is primarily text based, though we do exchange photos and the occasional video. However, I really want to evolve our communication to voice/video chat. I don't, I just feel that there is a limit to how close we can get via text. I don't even know what she sounds like, only what she looks like and how she types her text messages. She, however, says she feels anxious about calling me, or me calling her. On one hand, I don't want to push her too far out of her comfort zone, and on the other hand I really want to be able to do things you can only do via voice/video and eventually in person. Things like, falling asleep together on the phone, and being able to hear the emotion behind her words.

 

I don't know if I'm just being impatient, or unreasonable about this. I don't know what to about it, or how to get her to be more comfortable chatting to me live via voice or video... I also don't want to nag her, because I hate nagging and I understand that she may have confidence issues. So, as a last resort, I'm reaching out to you guys for advice on what I can do, and how I can evolve our relationship to more than just a text based fling, so to speak. Am i just more serious about this than she is? Am I being impatient or unreasonable? How do I communicate to her that this is what I really want without pressuring her or being a nag? How do I evolve our relationship?

[Guest SUeB]

Unfortunately, there are a few negative suspicions here. Are you absolutely sure the pics and videos are really her? If she can send you those, why can't she speak to you? Or yes, maybe she doesn't actually want more than a text distraction fling. Or maybe she's married, or living with someone and can't dare being caught out.

But to try answer as though none of those things apply, then after a month of texts, i don't know how you can move forward. You certainly can't force her to want to talk to you. Sorry, hate to sound negative, but whatwver the reason, it sounds pretty shady to me. And if not shady, then pretty awkward and uncomfortable. If you're already having issues so soon, it's not great. You aren't being at all impatient or unreasonable. If this were me, i would have made an ultimatum, and most likely moved on. Not saying you have to do that, but i definitely would have. It shouldn't be such an effort after only a few weeks.

[Guest McLeodLot65]

1) Four weeks really isn't that long. Yes, you are impatient (or eager, whatever you want to call it). 2) She's been very clear with you about a limit that she has. The thing to do is respect that, or else she will be gone.

 

Give her time and stop pressing. The pressing will only make her *more* anxious, not less. Show her that you can be trusted and that you are patient, and then maybe it will happen naturally.

[Guest Dulci]

Four weeks is not a long time at all; you're still getting to know each other.

 

I know the more someone tries pressuring me into doing something the more I won't. You could try just sending voice clips? Just to start off. You first and just see if she returns.

 

I will say that at some point she will need too either say it's a hard no, at that point I'd see it not going any further. Or. She will agree and you can drive off into the sunset together.

 

The issue is that yes. Your first thought does go to she's hiding something. But; it's not always the case. I can understand her shyness because I'm exactly the same. I hate sending 'live' pictures on kik when asked and I don't like going on voice with people I don't know. So. I can fully understand where she's coming from - but I do see from your point too.

 

I'd say to give her time for the moment. Don't press and then hopefully it'll just happen naturally when she trusts you.

[PrincessAurora]

or they just hate video/voice chats. it's not a REQUIREMENT for any kind of relationship. you need to take into consideration her housing situation as well. like the fact that it's possibly not plausible for her to hold a full voice conversation or video.  

i never do voice or video chats with my daddy and we're just fine. he knows i hate using voice chats and video chats. and we've been together a year now. like i said. it's not a requirement at all. 

[Guest Professor Optics]

my little didn't explicitly say no to voice/video chat. just that she still gets anxious at the thought and wants a bit more time. which i'm okay with. i want to know what i can do to help ease her into it... like sending voice messages and working up from there.

 

or they just hate video/voice chats. it's not a REQUIREMENT for any kind of relationship. you need to take into consideration her housing situation as well. like the fact that it's possibly not plausible for her to hold a full voice conversation or video.  

i never do voice or video chats with my daddy and we're just fine. he knows i hate using voice chats and video chats. and we've been together a year now. like i said. it's not a requirement at all.

 

That is true, to a point. Thing that i'm worried about the most is things going stale if we just stay text-based. Personally there are things that i would like to do that can only be done with voice or video...

 

i guess its better that i discuss this with her, and trust her to work with me to find a solution...

[Guest Kerjin]

Sharing my opinion, and please remember, opinion are like assholes, everyone's got one and they usually stink!  

 

Anyways, that being said, it has been my experience that for every true and real person you meet on the internet, there are hundreds of trolls and asshats that just like to screw with peoples heads. Honesty, since my last break up, of the 9 people (Littles, Submissives, Doms and regular people) only 1 has turned out to be a real person and she's now my baby girl. The rest were either asshats just wanting to mess with someone and people trying to scam someone out of money.

 

Personally, unless the person has an extremely good reason for not video CHATTING with me, I don't think I'd sit around for long waiting to see if they are real.  And I'm sorry, but I am not saying that everyone on the internet on the adult dating sites is/are nothing but scammers, however, my batting average is not so good in that aspect. However, again, while I sound negative about the whole "meeting someone online" let me be perfectly clear. I have met the most wonderful lady, here on this very site, recently and we are currently in the process of figuring out our relationship dynamic.

 

Your Mileage WILL vary.

Edited June 19, 2018 by Kerjin

[Guest depth_of_field_ddlg]

Two possibilities.

 

1. She is who she claims to be and is in a situation where she feels uncomfortable video chatting, be it housing situation, shyness, parents, ect. Respect that.

 

2. She's a catfish. I hate to say it, but there are some littles that are notorious for catfishing, for whatever reason. 

 

I had a friend from Canada for 3 years who manipulated me for emotional support and went to extremes to fake her identity. I should have seen the warning signs, but she made an elaborate story about trauma and abuse related to cameras of any kind that I didn't question it. When she finally came out to me and showed me her real face, she got VERY mean and started blaming me for little things. I blocked her. It was tough, it fucked me up, but it was the right call. 

 

Years later, I met with an old friend and mentioned that I had been catfished from a girl in Canada...and my friend said she was catfished by the EXACT SAME PERSON yeaaars ago. What was worse? A "friend" of that catfish reached out to my friend to say that the catfish had died of brain cancer. No shit, the catfished faked her DEATH to my friend, then started talking to me. 

 

That's an extreme end of the spectrum, but there is some point where I feel it's reasonable to ask for at least a little bit of proof this person you are friends with is who they say they are. Don't go overboard, but...just be mindful that there is a possibility that they might be who they claim to be. 

[Siniwit]

It's not been that long that you two have been together or known each other. You're still getting familiar with each other. She's still feeling you out and you're still getting to know her.

Yes, there are always concerns about the possibility of photos and videos not being 100% legit, but there are ways to check that - at least the photos. Yes, it could also be argued that if she's sending pics or videos then she "should" (by whose standards and opinions, I don't know?) be able to call/video chat, but the thing is: I've been there. It's an entirely different thing than just sending pictures or videos.

​Sometimes confidence works in different ways than a lot of people expect. Nobody should really be "expectant" of anyone in an LDR relationship (assuming based on the information?). Every relationship works out differently and while you're eager and you really want to grow closer to her, you're also rushing yourself to the finish line. You're still at the very beginning and the chances are she's not 100% comfortable or okay with the photos or videos, let alone voice/video chat.

​You need to be making this about her and her wants/needs; not the other way around. I know that's very blunt, but you, as the Daddy, need to be ensuring she's comfortable and confident enough and even feels SAFE enough to share her body and her voice with you. No-one should ever pressure their partner into doing something they're not okay with. She may not be okay with it but just may not be saying so out of fear of screwing up the potential you two have. Likewise, I can see in your wording that you do care for her and want this to continue, so baby steps and communication is what's important.

​Open up dialogue with her about what she wants/needs and what her level of comfort is. Ask her what she's okay doing and not doing, explore why, listen to what she says and encourage her to be honest with you and not shy away. Reassure her that regardless of what she says, you're not leaving her. Reassure her and boost her self-esteem by telling her how beautiful you think she is and how you're not going to judge her physical appearance because it's the person behind it all that you're falling for. That's how it should be, and she will likely be wanting to hear that.

She needs to know you like her for WHO she is, rather than WHAT she is, before she shares any of her "real life" with you, so to speak.

​As has been said, her living situation may not be conducive of successful calls/video chats. It's not always feasible, depending on circumstances. You need to be taking these into consideration, and yes, she may just simply not like to do those things beyond texting. I've met a few people who are that way inclined. You need to either be okay with the possibility of not getting that as an added element to your relationship, or consider whether a relationship without that is what you truly want and whether you'd feel fulfilled by a relationship lacking in that level of familiarity.

These things all come in time, usually, and with a little more patience, the anticipation will surely make that first time more special. You need to be patient with her and try to understand why she might not be comfortable with it, or might at least not be ready for it yet. Talk to her about it and show her you care and that you're okay to wait and move these things forward if/when she's ready. Pushing her for something like this will only make her pull away and you don't want that. It's really hard being the first one ready to take things to the next level, but trust me, it's possible to get through that phase successfully without screwing up the relationship.

​Hopefully she's not a catfish as some have suggested. Not everyone's like that, though it is something to be aware and cautious of. More often than not, dependent on her age, she might just legit be having confidence issues. It's your job to encourage her correctly and boost her self-confidence - without the ulterior motive of getting what you want. You should be doing that anyway, regardless of whether you get to voice/video chat on calls. Hopefully it'll all work out eventually though, and it's just a matter of being a little more patient.

Let us know how you get on and if you need any further help/advice.

​ETA: I also don't feel it's particularly helpful for people to project their own personal experiences and doubts onto you and your little's relationship. You've already said you exchange photos and videos, so provided they're legit and aren't just some things circling around on the web, then you know she's likely not a catfish.

Edited June 19, 2018 by Siniwit

[Guest Kerjin]

​ETA: I also don't feel it's particularly helpful for people to project their own personal experiences and doubts onto you and your little's relationship. You've already said you exchange photos and videos, so provided they're legit and aren't just some things circling around on the web, then you know she's likely not a catfish.

 

I completely understand where you are coming from on this Siniwit and please do not take this missive as an attack or anything of that nature.

 

Is it not what we do? We share OUR experiences in a given situation when someone asks what to do in that type of situation?

 

I don't know about others here, but my intentions in sharing my experiences, is to give someone else a point of reference for something they've not experienced themselves. That's all. Not a "My way or the Highway" kinda thing but in a "Here's what I've seen, please be careful" kinda way.

 

Especially in a situation that raises so many, real or imagined, red flags.

[Guest depth_of_field_ddlg]

I completely understand where you are coming from on this Siniwit and please do not take this missive as an attack or anything of that nature.

 

Is it not what we do? We share OUR experiences in a given situation when someone asks what to do in that type of situation?

 

I don't know about others here, but my intentions in sharing my experiences, is to give someone else a point of reference for something they've not experienced themselves. That's all. Not a "My way or the Highway" kinda thing but in a "Here's what I've seen, please be careful" kinda way.

 

Especially in a situation that raises so many, real or imagined, red flags.

 

Same here. I mentioned my story is extreme, and most likely not what is going on here...but worth considering. It's not meant to dismiss legitimate anxiety or right to privacy; all of us are just guessing based off of what the OP said and inputting our own spin on things. I hate having to bring up issues on catfishing, because I've seen some pretty disgusting behavior by men demanding images, threatening and harassing littles with horribly unfair ultimatums under the excuse of "proving they're not a catfish"...but this situation has red flags that should be addressed. 

 

@Sinwit, I'm glad you shared your views on this. You brought up many valid points that haven't been talked about yet, and it's my sincere hope that the OP treats their little well and communicates instead of accuses. 

[Guest Arc]

I used to have very bad anxiety around calling/skype/whatever a few years ago. I had been in a chatroom and met someone who was a hypnotist and we kind of hit it off. He wanted to call and I was too scared, but he offered to just call and I could have the camera and mic turned off and I could just listen to him talk calmly and do a few things. We did that maybe 3-4 times and I eventually felt okay with talking a little bit.  Perhaps you could try see if she'd be okay with you calling and reading her a bedtime story one night or something while she has the camera and mic turned off? It could help her feel closer to you and more comfortable. 

[Guest Professor Optics]

Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate it. Considering she's my first little and gf, I still have a lot to learn, especially with patience. That is not my strong suit, at least when there is something that I want.

 

Thing is, I know she's not catfishing because she left an unintentional easter egg in one of her photo's that confirmed she is who she says she is, so I don't have to worry about that. I don't know, I said to her it is mostly just a barrier for me that will prevent me from falling for her until we can take that leap. Mostly though, I am somewhat worried about how to keep things from growing stale in the relationship if we are primarily text-only. As I said, she's basically my first little/relationship, and it's already challenging for me if it were a face-to-face, irl relationship, not to mention the added complexities of an LDR where the only form of communication is digital. Perhaps I'll create another topic asking what kind of things I can do as a DD to keep the relationship in a state of growth and to keep it interesting when video/voice chatting isn't an option yet...

[Guest SUeB]

So assuming she is exactly who she says she is, and this really is all she wants, what would your decision be, in that situation? Nothing negative in this reply, toeards her. And if thats all she wants, then thats her choice. But that's obviously not all you want. Sometimes, with all the best will in the world, we have to accept that we aren't going to get the result we want out of something. Be that a relationship, event, situation etc.

It is possible that you are simply incompatible. If she doesn't want to talk on the phone or video chat now, she may never.

[Guest Professor Optics]

So assuming she is exactly who she says she is, and this really is all she wants, what would your decision be, in that situation? Nothing negative in this reply, toeards her. And if thats all she wants, then thats her choice. But that's obviously not all you want. Sometimes, with all the best will in the world, we have to accept that we aren't going to get the result we want out of something. Be that a relationship, event, situation etc.

It is possible that you are simply incompatible. If she doesn't want to talk on the phone or video chat now, she may never.

Well she never said it will never get to us being able to talk through voice / video... She just needs to get more comfortable with the idea.

 

Tbh, i think part of the reason why i'm agonizing over this, is that somewhere deep down I feel inadequate or that i won't be able to give her what she wants/needs if we're only a text-based relationship. I care deeply for her, and as i mentioned in my other post, I want to be her mountain, her strength, and I don't know how much of that I can be through text-only. Partly because text lacks a lot of the emotional side of things, plus texts have a tendency to be misinterpreted. At least with voice / video, i'd be able to pay more attention to her tone of voice and other things to gauge what kind of mind space she's in, whether she's happy or whether she's stressed. With text, whatever I read, is interpreted based on how i'm feeling when reading it, because of the lack of tone of voice and body language.

 

I think also a part of me is a little insecure whether I am enough for her, and whether what i'm doing is right or effective. Sadly, I never had a strong male presence growing up, so i never really learnt the art of being the man in a relationship. I'm having to learn it through other sources (forums, coaching sites, etc), and on top of everything else, being a PDA Aspie doesn't make things much easier. My brain just doesn't pick up on certain things when it matters the most, even though in hindsight I am able to figure things out. So with both of those things, I feel a little insecure about whether or not I'm able to give her what she needs. Not to mention being able to communicate the things i need/desire as well, which is the harder part to be honest. Communication usually requires an awareness of ones self, your emotional state, you wants, your needs, etc. And sadly, that's one of the things I struggle with. Being aware of what my state is, what my desires and what my needs are. As in to the point that you will probably tell that I am upset about something before even i realize it...

 

I'm starting to rant... that's the gist of it!

[Guest Professor Optics]

Same here. I mentioned my story is extreme, and most likely not what is going on here...but worth considering. It's not meant to dismiss legitimate anxiety or right to privacy; all of us are just guessing based off of what the OP said and inputting our own spin on things. I hate having to bring up issues on catfishing, because I've seen some pretty disgusting behavior by men demanding images, threatening and harassing littles with horribly unfair ultimatums under the excuse of "proving they're not a catfish"...but this situation has red flags that should be addressed. 

 

@Sinwit, I'm glad you shared your views on this. You brought up many valid points that haven't been talked about yet, and it's my sincere hope that the OP treats their little well and communicates instead of accuses. 

I went through a stage where I almost demanded people online must prove their identity to me before conversing with them... I have since grown to regret it for the most part, and for the rest, i just learned from it. So saying that, I never demand anything from her, or anyone. At least, not intentionally. My requests usually go like "Would you be okay with this and this" or "I would really like it if you could do this and this"... It's difficult to not fall into a place of becoming a people pleaser and placing her on a majestic pedestal- "please, your majesty, may I have a kiss?" thing is, I am for the large part coming from a background of people pleasing, and I don't want that. I want me and my little to be a team, to see each other as equals and to treat each other as such. That being said, as i mentioned in my previous post, I sometimes find it difficult to work out what it is that i want or need from this whole thing, and I guess i end up overcompensating for that when I do eventually work it out (by way of pressure, nagging, or whatever else is relevant in this case).

[Poisoned Daydream]

I want to be her mountain, her strength, 

 

Then allow her the time to come to see that

 

you wanting to be that is admirable, but her coming to find that needs to happen in her time…just like her comfort level in vid chatting or anything else.