Sad situation, need some advice

[daisygirl]

Hey so, I'm married and my husband is my daddy. I was really curious about ddlg but never said anything and then a couple of months later out of the blue he said that he wanted me to call him daddy, I was really surprised and resisted but he really wanted it and later on as I got comfortable I actually bought my first paci, I hid it in a drawer but one day I forgot and asked him to get something out of there. Then I remembered and yelled at him to stop and that I would get it. He did stop but made me tell him what it was anyway he said he thought it was really cute and I've slept with it almost every night since.  Anyway indulging our kinks and stuff wasn't new and we had been in to D/s and then DD before this. But he says he likes it and he calls me babygirl but he is so inconsistant. We've been together since high school and I really don't know what to do. He was really emotionally abusive (like "if you go to that party, then I'm going to sit here and cut my wrists cause I don't wan't you to leave me) for the first 7-8 years due to his own trauma but he has done a lot to work through that and really has changed that behaviour. But I crave boundaries and attention (not much, just like look at me not you're phone when we're talking) and like physical discipline. I love him we have so much in common and he is my best friend. But I feel really trapped. I don't go anywhere I've lost touch with all my friends, I don't work at the moment (not sick, just a shop closed down and I'm in between work and starting studying), I can't talk to my family because I'm always defending him to them. I feel really lonely and have been day dreaming about having my own place and getting a job and studying and meeting some new friends and maybe finding someone who wants to cuddle me and watch movies and will want to go out and do things. I am so conflicted because I'm scared of being lonely without him but he doesn't seem to listen to me anymore and when I ask for something he either can't be bothered or acts like he will do it but then he forgets. I don't ask for material things often cause I have what I need but he goes out with his friends and work friends and goes on trips and I'm always left behind. I feel like I have to qualify what I'm saying with that he is a good husband and he provides for me (I've been home a year but I supported him when he didn't have work and I paid for his accommodation and training- relationships are give and take and I don't resent that and neither does he) but emotionally I'm unsatisfied despite very clear communication which he acknowledges and sexually I don't get much pleasure, maybe every 3 or 4 months he'll spend some time so I can orgasm (we have sex 2-4 times a week) He jokes about that and says I'm too hard to please but he won't do any foreplay... anyway can someone either give me advice or tell me if I'm being too sensitive.I really like being little and letting that side of myself out but it really hurts now and I feel like I have to pack the little girl box back up and try to ignore it...

 

I'll answer any questions I can, sorry for the long post x

[ForeverFluffy]

Hi, OP. I'm really, really sorry that you're going through this situation. It's difficult and I don't think there's one right answer or way to deal with the situation.

 

Several red flags pop out to me. I'm going to mention them not because I wanna scare you but because they are big issues that need to be worked on/addressed.

 

1. He has a history of being abusive. While I'm glad he's better, it's worth noting that it doesn't necessarily mean that he's a healthy individual to be around. You can be toxic and not necessarily abusive. So keep that in mind when observing his behaviors.

2. You're very isolated. You don't get out much, you don't have or have very little contact with friends and family. This isolation can further exacerbate the issues of your situation. When you have one person in your world, that person's actions affect you much more drastically than if you had more people in your life. You feel left out, you feel alone, you feel neglected. Notice these things. What could have caused them? And what could help alleviate them?

3. He doesn't consider your needs. You said it himself, he doesn't listen to you despite you being very vocal. He either doesn't do the things you want or he says he will hut never follows through. He doesn't take the time to care for you as a partner (ex. your sexual needs, your emotional needs, etc), as a DD, or even as a friend. And that's not okay. Because to me, that's a willful neglect of a partner and their needs. And that isn't healthy.

 

All this being said, you can't change a person. You've stuck by him for years. You care for him so deeply. But you can't change who he is or how he acts. And it is not your job to teach him how to be a healthy and caring individual. Obviously I'm a stranger on the internet, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. But maybe you should reevaluate this relationship. Is this what you truly want? Are you fulfilled? Do you feel safe and loved and supported? Do you feel this person values and respects you, your needs and your well-being? Does this person care enough about the situation to even try?

Only you can answer these questions. I hope my response has helped you gain some insight as to what to do.

[Cuddle_explosion]

Hiya Daisy,

This makes me feel sad. It is such a huge thing for you and not an easy problem to solve.

Your little self aside, this reads like you’re not bonding with your husband and not able to get the emotional support you need.

If you’re fantasising about living a life free of him, it is a very real problem. For both of you. It speaks of a deep unhappiness. I think that you know the answer. I know that is not helpful, and probably not what you wanted to hear. But you know where your happiness is. It’s scary and takes a lot of courage to admit, but you get one shot at life.

I am not advocating leaving him. Only you know how good your relationship is. Or how salvageable.

There are always two truths, your experience and his. And we all interpret our truth differently.

 

I don’t want to be an echo chamber for your sadness, but the gist of your story is, he showed you an interest of his. You actually embraced it and found something in yourself. It no longer seems to be something he wants.

He seems to have the drive to live his best life (socialising and going out) but doesn’t include you. Your sex life is dismal. Quality daisy, not quantity. If he’s not trying to make it good for you....if you don’t enjoy it....

 

I’m not an authority on the subject but from what I understand and the people I interact with, Some of the best DDs are truly self sacrificing. There is the common/vanilla mistaken belief that I hear and it’s the everything is his way all the time. when my understanding of it is that they take care of their things. Hold themselves in check so that you can be the best you. It’s just that we then need to be the best us for them. It’s what makes it so amazing.

 

Obviously, this is a blanket my experience statement. My intent is not to upset anyone who may have a different understanding. But to show that as your husband and partner he seems like he is not currently trying to be a partner. He may not be cut out to help you be the best little. And while every little relationship is not D/s, I think having a career/guider/friend is still the same thing.

 

That’s okay, it might be a passing interest for him. It might have been something he saw once and wanted to try. I think I’m saying a lot and not really offering much.

But it’s this, you can’t guarantee two people will develop at the same time and be perfect for each other always. People grow, people change.

You may have grown apart. You can try grow back together and even use your little side to do this, but it sounds like there are bigger issues at play. You may need to ask him for marriage counselling. Communicate that this is not working. Avoid yelling and confrontation. It sounds like this may be difficult for him and is not conducive to a constructive communication format.

Think long and hard about what you would like to gain from a conversation. Write it down. Practice speaking calmly and rationally. He will either want to change and work hard at it improving your relationship with you. Or he won’t. When you have exhausted all efforts the answers and decision will still be yours.

Can you live in a life and be happy pretending to be something you are not? Can you live your best life with him?

 

I’m only new here and don’t have a large online presence. So I’m a little nervy about such a long post myself. I hope you’re ok.

My biggest thing is always, will I hit 80 and regret my life? By that I don’t mean run over everyone in my way. But live my life as me and be happy. I wish you happiness

[Little kaiya]

Your situation is certainly very complex and not one that has a simple or easy answer. Nobody can really tell you what to do as it's your life and your decision(s) to make.

 

That said, I will offer you a technique that a very smart boss offered me once. Imagine someone you loved very much came to you, it could be a friend, family member, whomever, and described the situation above. What advice would you give them? What would you point out or suggest they consider?

 

It's amazing how so often we can give really good advice to those we care about but we dont listen to that same advice for ourselves. I think deep down you already know the answers to your own questions but are seeking validation from other people. Trust your instincts and your inner voice and listen to what they are telling you.

 

Little kaiya

[daisygirl]

Thanks for your replies, I guess that you're all right and I know what I want to do but I'm scared and I don't feel strong enough to follow through with it. I get so confused last night he was really cuddly and affectionate but after the whole weekend of feeling like an afterthought it was really hard for me to settle in to it. I think he knows that I'm not feeling happy at the moment because he has sent me emails from work checking in with me today but I'm not sure if he genuinely cares or is just reacting so that he doesn't have to deal with me being sad. Anyway I'm really thinking about what you all said and I'm going to try to talk to him again and see what happens. He's my best friend and after all we've been through together I do owe him honesty and loyalty unless we both agree otherwise. Thank you for your help, it really has clarified a few things for me xx

[redheadprincess98]

Hi Daisy! Have you tried listening to what your friends and family have to say about your relationship? You said you are “constantly defending him”, it sounds like they have something to say that you are not listening... they know you the best and (i hope) love you and want the best for you... so maybe try and listen to them? Keeps us posted ❤️

[Brattyraptor]

[BakedPotato]

It sounds like you already are aware of the bad things, and want to be reassured in these feelings so you can get the courage or confidence to follow through with getting out. I could be projecting of course. I was in an unhealthy relationship and I kept wanting out but also wanting him. And i kept hiding things from friends and family because i didnt want them to not like him because I loved him. Unfortunately, the truth is that if thats the case- youre already in a *bad* place. And it took about 4 months of me asking people for help onlune and what their thoughts are on different things because i just didn't want to actually break up with him. As awful as things were, I still loved him. No matter how he treated me or how distant i became with everyone else. But it made me think about a lot. If i had a friend or family member in my situation, what would my advice be to them? It would be different than what i had been telling myself......and thats a very bad sign. Its easy to get trapped in abuse. Its hard to admit when there abuse, especially if its not physical. People dont take me seriously because it wasnt physical, but you dont need other peoples validation. You know what you feel. If you feel happy less than half of the time youre with him, you for SURE need out. If you feel happy most of the time then there may be something worth saving. It doesnt sound like it though. And i know its scary to be alone and to lose the good that you have with him. But stop thinking about the good. Think about the bad. Think about the bad things he makes you feel. That is not worth it. And its going to suck, for a while. Eventually your mind will clear some after being away from him. And you will realize you ate more at peace alone than with him. It may be worth it to be lonely and have the potential of finding yourself and reconnecting with everyone you have distanced yourself from. At the end of the day, you are the only one who knows how bad it is. Even if you dont tell anyone else. You already know. If its is bad, it may be scary, it may be lonely, but rip that band aid off. The sooner the better. I wish you luck, as this is......very hard. I'm sorry youre in this situation. It sounds like you're questioning the right things. Be good to yourself. Dont let him guilt you or make you feel bad for taking care of your own mental health. If he threatens suicide, call the cops or simply tell him youre sorry but you can't be the one he goes to for that. Ive been there, its hard to say no when they get like that. But its NECESSARY. ok? Dont let them bring you back into this cycle. Make your decision. And then tell the ones who care about you to look out for you and make sure you dont fall for him or his words. To make sure you dont take him back. Because its tempting but it gets worse. good luck! Be strong!