Advice for disciplining little

[jnh]

Hi so I recently have “adopted” my own little. He lives about two hours away so we see each other about every other or every two weekends. I’m slowly learning things that work and don’t work for him. But I cannot for the life of me figure out how to make him follow through. Things he and I both know that intimidate him/work for him that he is okay with: grounding from a certain item (never his paci or stuffy), spanking, soap in mouth, writing lines, taking away certain food/drink, or taking away a fun activity with me (not taking away the time with me just the specific activity like going out for dinner, coloring, going to a movie, etc)

 

That being said. I love him to death, he is so sweet and lovey and innocent and needy but he is also a huge brat. Recent Example: he was sad when he woke up so by the time I had gotten up (11am) he had drank almost 4 beers. Not eaten. No water. I told him no more alcohol rn or he would be grounded from it. He drank more. I grounded him telling him no more for the rest of the week or spankings. He later put a video on his snapchat story of him drinking and talking and stuff and proceeded to try to lie and wiggle out of it when I questioned him. I told him he would receive spankings in a few days when we see each other. The next day I asked if he drank and he lied and I asked again and he told me he had one. I’m not sure where to go from that. We see each other in a few days and I really have no clue how to manage the situation

 

On top of this, spanking works for him because of the anticipation aspect. But when I do spank him he always tells me it doesn’t hurt. So it alleviates that suspense of the spanking when he thinks about it as not hurting. I know he is doing all of this to simply be a brat. He’s not incompetent and he doesn’t want me to go away he just loves to act up because of the attention it gets him and he loves to push buttons to see where limits are. I need help really because he tells me that craves rules and discipline and punishment and structure but everytime it’s put into place he throws a tantrum or acts like a brat. Idk what would or could help but I need it

Edited March 5, 2020 by jnh

[RavenclawPrincess]

Substance abuse can be a lot more serious than following rules and punishments from a caregiver. Assuming you're not a professional in that field, I think it would be wise to evaluate whether or not he needs counseling or something like that. 

 

Additionally, lying is unforgivable in my book. Being a brat shouldn't involve dishonesty and I'm confused as to why you seem to be mostly ok with him not telling the truth when you asked him about his drinking? Maybe I just misinterpreted that part but I highly recommend that you put your foot down about any variation of dishonesty. That's always a deal breaker for me and I wouldn't think twice about ending a relationship over that, and I can't help but suggest that you implement a zero tolerance rule for lies too. 

 

I have to be honest and say that I get the impression that your little doesn't respect you when it really counts. Broken rules, lies, and no cooperation with punishment. As a brat myself, I can tell you first hand that we do respect rules and cooperate with punishment when we want to. Being a brat isn't a license to be abusive or disrespectful outside of a playful context. In all honesty, I think your little is just playing with you and relishing the attention, rather than being serious about your relationship and honoring agreements that the two of you made. I highly recommend some soul searching here on your end. I wish I could tell you how to fix this, but I don't think the problem lies with what you're doing wrong. 

[Guest QueenJellybean]

 

I have to be honest and say that I get the impression that your little doesn't respect you when it really counts. Broken rules, lies, and no cooperation with punishment. As a brat myself, I can tell you first hand that we do respect rules and cooperate with punishment when we want to. Being a brat isn't a license to be abusive or disrespectful outside of a playful context. In all honesty, I think your little is just playing with you and relishing the attention, rather than being serious about your relationship and honoring agreements that the two of you made. I highly recommend some soul searching here on your end. I wish I could tell you how to fix this, but I don't think the problem lies with what you're doing wrong. 

 

this. 

time for a meta-talk. this isn't ok behavior, and it isn't something to "discipline".

this is a relationship-breaching trust issue.

[Alaskan Daddy]

as a LDR caregiver I look at rules as stepping stones to help my little to deal with structure and to have my little feel good about who they are. The one rule I don't put up with is 'in my face disrespect'. I also will quit enforcing rules if my little constantly pushes me to the point that I don't have the time or energy or patience to deal with enforcing the rules. As a caregiver I feel your little is taking for granted your love and care. I feel you need to have an adult to adult conversation with your little with a 'line drawn in the sand' on what you will do if things don't change. You can only do what you can do. Your time and love and energy needs to be respected. I wish there was an answer that I know would work 100%. Your little needs to meet your effort with an effort of his own.

[Little kaiya]

Every relationship is different so I, nor anyone else, can tell you what to do. That said, if I ever lied to my Daddy or he lied to me it would be a very serious issue. All relationships need trust but perhaps DDlg need more than most.

 

I like pushing boundaries but I would never think of lying to my Daddy. I agree with Jellybean, a serious meta-talk sounds in order.

[Pupperoo]

 

this. 

time for a meta-talk. this isn't ok behavior, and it isn't something to "discipline".

this is a relationship-breaching trust issue.

 

I agree here. To make a CG/l dynamic work, you have to properly look at the relationship that is build around it. The dynamic can happen both platonically, romantically and sexually. If this is meant to be a romantic relationship it's not different than the relationship you'd see in your parents, your grandparents, your coworkers and so on. If the basic foundation of a normal relationship fails, then the CG/l dynamic within that relationship is just going to crash and burn.

 

My policy on all relationship related matters have always been, and always will be, that there is nothing more important than honesty and communication. If those two pillars fails, everything will crumble to the ground. So when you see him in a few days, perhaps this is what you ought to be sitting down and talking about. There is no way a CG can provide the emotional support and structure that a little wants and crave unless the little is honest and open about when they fail to meet up to the standards they have agreed on. If you lie about having failed you won't get disciplined and if you don't get disciplined you won't respect the rules and structure put into place.

[chateautal]

So, there are two points in the original post - and the first is so serious it merits the most discussion.  4 beers before 11am is not being a brat- it's alcoholism. This is an issue that is so serious that it really must be dealt with as adults, not in the context of MD(?)/LB. His failure to address this (and the subsequent lying about it), should not at all reflect badly on you as a CG - ultimately, you are two adults, and you both have to take responsibility for your own actions - and this would be more than enough to give pause for thought in a vanilla relationship. Honestly, I wouldn't recommend an "in character" punishment for this - because (to me) this would be a potentially relationship-ending hard limit. He can choose: you or the beer.

 

The second one point - that your spankings don't hurt - is a more fun question. To that, I have two suggestions: 1. Hairbrush; 2. (Rattan) Cane. There comes a point where, due to Newton's Third Law, there's only so much a CG can do before their hands hurt as much as a naughty Little's bum does. Using something like the back of a wooden hairbrush can significantly raise that limit for the spanker. Meanwhile, a cold caning [NSFW, probably] is so painful that even if one brattishly says it doesn't hurt, the tears will confirm otherwise. These punishments also stretch your limits as a Dom (particularly if you're not inclined to sadism), so I recommend them only with caution and aftercare.

 

However, I must stress - the alcoholic behaviour you mentioned before is not something that is going to be cured simply because you work out how to beat him hard enough to cause pain.

[LittlePupRune]

Going to echo people above me. You are both adults and are responsible for your actions. You can and should set boundaries of what you will tolerate in a relationship. "Bratting" is not an excuse to be an asshole. You are not responsible for his decisions simply because you are the D-type. As has been suggested, have a conversation with him as adults and bring up your issues of not being respected. If you have to deal with him lying so blatantly there cannot be respect or trust and that is not a healthy relationship.

 

Not an expert, but will agree with other's suspicions of the possible alcoholism. Not sure how you should go about bringing that up, but theres probably advice out on the internet in support groups for people dealing with alcoholism.