I had to protect myself, at long last.

[Daddy4Princess]

This is a venting post for a recent life event for me.  I have moved from a position of anger and hurt to a position of healing and reflection.  But fair warning:  There will be some mild anger expressed in this writing, mainly to show my mindset at the time.  I don't wish to trigger anything in anyone, so read with caution.  

 

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I had known a little for years.  She was one of the first littles I had met online.  We always got along so well.  She even came to visit me one time since we were long distance, and I still cherish the memories from that experience.  We would always talk through Kik or on the phone, and I really had to work to keep from falling for her since there were thousands of miles between us, and neither of us were really in any position to change that.  Plus, she had issues with figuring out what she truly wanted in a DD/lg relationship.

 

So our relationship.......meandered.  It rode the ebbs and flows.  There were times where we would get more serious, and it would almost always end with her pulling away.  But I kept a portion of myself cached away, to keep it safe.  I understood that she had issues with figuring out what she wanted, and I was always clear that if what she wanted didn't include me that was fine as long as she was honest and really thought about what she wanted instead of making rash, impulsive decisions.  But it nonetheless would hurt whenever she would distance herself.  I continued my course of enjoying what we had, whatever form it would take.

 

But most recently she dialed up the emotions.  We got close, very close.  And then she pulled away again.  I created distance and stopped contact, needing to heal.  Then almost a month later she tentatively contacted me again, and we began speaking as friends again.

 

But then she cranked the emotions up even further.  She told me she loved me for the first time, wanted a relationship.  Saw me as her Daddy and wanted to make it work.  I was overjoyed, but still wouldn't release the sheltered portion of my feelings from behind my self-erected walls just yet.  I had heard this before.  Time would tell.

 

And it did, though much quicker than I had anticipated.

 

Four days later.  Four.  Days.  Later.  She completely reverses course.  Tells me she doesn't think it will work.  Says she's sorry for hurting me yet again.

 

I tell her I can't do this any more.  That I don't deserve having my emotions played with when I've been as careful and understanding and accomodating of hers as I have on countless occasions.

 

She apologized again.  Says she would like to stay friends but would understand if I didn't.  Then she said she would pray for me.

 

That SHE would pray for ME.

 

And then, for the very first time, I got angry with her.  And I sternly told her that i would not be remaining friends with her because it never stayed that way.  That she would always drag me back, and I was finally done being dragged.  There was no name calling, no messages in all caps, just a weary resignation wrapped in a layer of the gently simmering flame of anger.

 

And I told her to save her prayers.  That I neither wanted them or needed them.  I also told her that whether she intended it to or not, saying she would pray for me just came across as insulting.  And then I told her that if she wanted to do something for me, she would truly do the work to figure out how to move past her issues before hurting someone else.

 

And that was it.  I deleted her contacts, erased her off of my fet profile.  Severed all contact with no intention of ever speaking with her again.  I just finally had to set a boundary.  I was tired of being hurt.  Tired of all of it.  I could no longer sacrifice my emotional state on the alter of her indecisiveness.  So I walked away.  I protected myself.

 

Make sure you all protect yourselves too.

[Guest LittleMissMissy]

I'm sorry you went through this. Sadly, it seems to happen a lot in relationships period. No one should go through it.

 

I believe 100 percent with you on protecting yourself.

[SweetCuriosity]

Self preservation is a tricky thing. Sometimes you hurt people inadvertently because you're afraid they'll hurt you first. It isn't right but sometimes it's the only thing you can do. Not everyone is strong enough to fully embrace another and open themselves up to being that vulnerable. Perhaps she did care but she was terrified that one more emotional pebble is all it would take to shatter her world. No matter how understandable you were, it was bound to fail. She probably needs to get stronger and that usually requires serious self reflection, acceptance, support, and professional aid. Best of luck to her and you should be proud of yourself for being able to break free of something that was obviously toxic and causing you pain.

[baby_k]

I don't really get why the praying was such big deal but I don't get people believing in deities anyhow. Maybe it was insult, maybe she meant well nevertheless.

 

You are on correct path but you still write things like "she would always drag me....", she does what she does but YOU allow her to do so. You are the one enabling that, so it is useless to put blaime on her when only you are responsible of you and your happiness.

 

Also, in this case she said she would be fine to be just friend's and would understand that you wouldn't want to be, so all you needed to do was end it there calmly. Even I can understand that it was highly emotional thing for you, and source of lot of frustration and hurt over long period of time. Seems only the rage was enough to give you the will to put end to that all which is.... good that it is over for both of you but bad that you were not able to do it otherwise. So, imo you should try to selfreflect on that and reason why it was like that. Use the opportunity for growth.

[jaredstone363]

I think you did the right thing. Sometimes I think we get so focused on the other persons feelings and needs that we forget to consider our own. Relationships are give and take, but it should be equal for both sides.

[ser_os]

Defending yourself as a Daddy can be tricky. It always feel like a last resort, and it shouldn't be.

 

I had to break things up with my little a couple months ago, and a lot of guilt came from thinking: "I'm suppoused to protect her, and right now she's feeling a lot of sadness beacause of me. I'm a bad person."

 

Sometimes red flags are there since day one, but maybe we don't choose to see them until we can't avoid them anymore.

[little*luck*]

Wow! Sorry you went through this. Opening up and letting someone close is very hard, but you did it and accepted her. Don't let this negative experience control your life.

 

The "I will pray for you" comment is odd, but in a way I think it explains why she pulled back from the relationships. I'm not saying that it is based strictly on religious views and attitudes, but some people have a hard time fully embracing an alternate relationship because of it.