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Big Book of Dad Jokes.


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Posted

Samuel L. Jackson was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and 10 month old son.

His toddler starts gurgling, trying to talk and clearly says the word "Mother"

Samuel says, "Look Honey! He just said half a word!!"

Pulp Fiction Oh Im Sorry Did I Break Your Concentration GIF

 

Posted

Did you hear the score between the ocean and the beach?  I heard it was tide

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Posted

Did you hear about the snowman about that a had a huge tantrum? It was quite the meltdown 

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Posted
11 hours ago, WizardofOSS said:

A preschool teacher asks her students if anyone can count.

Little 3 year old Timmy throws up a hand swiftly saying, "I can!!" and started counting, "One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine and Ten!"

"Very Good!" exclaimed the teacher, "Who taught you that?"

"My Uncle Bob," replied Timmy

"And can you count past Ten?" the Teacher asked...

 

 

 

 

 

..."Easy!" replied Timmy, "Jack, Queen, King..."

World Series Money GIF by Pudgy Penguins

I've seen that one irl! 😆and the kids who can subitize numbers faster than adults.... 😂🤣😆  it's how I learned to count! 

  • snickering 1
Posted

Used to suffer from constipation so I took a laxative! Now I suffer from can’tstopation

Posted

What did the Irishmen say to the other Irishmen that couldn’t stop farting? Why don’t you put a cork in that Derry air?

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Posted

I was shocked to find out my son had a AI girlfriend. He told me he was dating a model

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Posted

Don’t bother buying handcuffs if you’re dating a valley girl! She literally can knot

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Posted

Did you hear about the new plumbing company ran by witches? Double Bubble Toilet Trouble 

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Posted

I put my money in a snowbank.. now all my assets are frozen

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Posted

@BabyPoppy someone else to catch.    I been hunting Bigfoot. Yeti seems elusive 

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Posted

What do you call a brain freeze while stoned? A highgrain

Posted

My parents read a book I had written and said the main character isn't likeable...

 

 

 

 

...It was an Autobiography.

Mean Cold Blooded GIF by GIPHY IRL

  • Haha 1
Posted

I also ordered a book called "How to scam people online" 2 months ago...

 

 

 

 

...it still hasn't arrived!

Penguin Stay GIF by Pudgy Penguins

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Posted

My Mother-in-Law read the Exorcist. It was the most evil book she ever read. She hated it so much, she drove to the beach and threw it in the Ocean...

 

 

 

 

...the next day, I bought another copy, ran it under the faucet, and then placed it beside her bed.

Drama Watching GIF by MOODMAN

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Posted

I'm writing a book about how Tornadoes and Hurricanes develop...

 

 

 

 

...Right now it's just a Draft.

Winter Storm Snow GIF by The Weather Channel

Posted

I just finished a book called "101 Mating positions" and was really disappointed,...

 

 

 

 

...It was a book about Chess.

daffy duck wtf GIF by Looney Tunes

Posted

I just finished writing my book on penguins...

 

 

 

 

...my publisher said it would have been better if I wrote it on paper.

Surfs Up Penguins GIF by Sony Pictures Animation

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Posted

I wrote a book about falling down stairs once...

 

 

 

 

 

...it was a step by step guide.

Tired Teddy Bear GIF by TikTok

Posted

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bible study

duck tales GIF

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Posted

Call me crazy, but did you know that if you take the first two letters of the title of each Harry Potter book, it spells a secret message?

 

 

Spoiler

HaHaHaHaHaHaHa

Harry Potter Smile GIF

 

harry potter wow GIF

  • Haha 1
Posted

I asked my son for a Phone Book. He says, "Ok Boomer, we don't use those anymore" and gave me his phone to use...

 

 

 

 

Well, now he's upset his phone is smashed but I got that spider!!

Mad Max Lol GIF by Vidme

I hate spiders!

Posted (edited)

Judge: What's the charge against this young man?

Prosecutor: He's accused of stealing 5 bottles of Beer your Honor.

Judge: I can't make a case out of only 5 Bottles! Case dismissed!

 

Your Honor Penguin GIF by Pudgy Penguins

Edited by WizardofOSS
Posted

I wrote a book on reverse psychology....

 

 

 

 

...please don't read it.

Are You Okay Lilo And Stitch GIF

Posted

I am currently writing a book about the things I should have done in life...

 

 

 

 

 

...it's an oughttabiography

The Simpsons GIF by FOX TV

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