WizardofOSS Posted October 8 Report Posted October 8 Two old Southern Belles are having Tea on their wraparound porch of an 18th century plantation nursing home. The first lady recounts in a charming antebellum drawl, "You see these earrings? These 24k Gold Diamond Earrings? My husband got them for me for our 5th wedding anniversary. The second lady responds, "Nice, very nice" The first lady continues her reminiscence, "and you notice this bracelet? This Diamond encrusted Gold bracelet? He gave this to me on our 25th anniversary" The second lady exclaimed, "Nice, very nice!" The first lady, "and of course you see this very elegant necklace? This custom Diamond necklace commissioned for Princess Diana herself? This was given to me by my husband for our 50th wedding anniversary" "NIIICCEE!!! VERY NIIICCEEE!!" screamed the second lady. Surprised, the first lady paused for a moment and asked, "Well, look at me. Just going on and on about myself darling. Tell me love, what has your husband gotten you on your anniversaries?" "Well, on our first anniversary, my husband sent me to charm school," she replied. "Charm school? Charm school? Whatever for my dear?" the first lady asked... ..."Well, I used to have this problem with saying 'F@$% You!' all the time, but now I just say, 'Nice, very nice" *If you know, you know! Southerners do this!* 🤭 1
WizardofOSS Posted October 8 Report Posted October 8 The Tea and Coffee are married, but Tea leaves. Does this give Coffee grounds for divorce?
WizardofOSS Posted October 8 Report Posted October 8 What type of Tea does Batman drink? Vigilan Tea!
WizardofOSS Posted October 8 Report Posted October 8 One day, my Grandma was out and Grandpa was watching me. I was only 2 years old or so. I had found a little Tea Set and I thought it would be nice to make Grandpa some Tea! As he's watching the evening news, I bring him a cup of "Tea", which was really water and asked if he wanted some Tea. Smiling, he nodded and drank the Tea which made me happy. Well, after several cups of Tea, Grandma finally came home. Grandpa asked her to wait in the living room and watch as I dutifully brought him cups of Tea, because he thought it was the cutest thing! Grandma waited and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of Tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said... ..."Did it ever occur to you that the only place he can reach for water, on his own, is the toilet?" 1
MissAnna Posted October 8 Report Posted October 8 3 hours ago, WizardofOSS said: Two old Southern Belles are having Tea on their wraparound porch of an 18th century plantation nursing home. The first lady recounts in a charming antebellum drawl, "You see these earrings? These 24k Gold Diamond Earrings? My husband got them for me for our 5th wedding anniversary. The second lady responds, "Nice, very nice" The first lady continues her reminiscence, "and you notice this bracelet? This Diamond encrusted Gold bracelet? He gave this to me on our 25th anniversary" The second lady exclaimed, "Nice, very nice!" The first lady, "and of course you see this very elegant necklace? This custom Diamond necklace commissioned for Princess Diana herself? This was given to me by my husband for our 50th wedding anniversary" "NIIICCEE!!! VERY NIIICCEEE!!" screamed the second lady. Surprised, the first lady paused for a moment and asked, "Well, look at me. Just going on and on about myself darling. Tell me love, what has your husband gotten you on your anniversaries?" "Well, on our first anniversary, my husband sent me to charm school," she replied. "Charm school? Charm school? Whatever for my dear?" the first lady asked... ..."Well, I used to have this problem with saying 'F@$% You!' all the time, but now I just say, 'Nice, very nice" *If you know, you know! Southerners do this!* 🤭 I say bless your heart all the time lol 1
MissAnna Posted October 8 Report Posted October 8 1 hour ago, WizardofOSS said: One day, my Grandma was out and Grandpa was watching me. I was only 2 years old or so. I had found a little Tea Set and I thought it would be nice to make Grandpa some Tea! As he's watching the evening news, I bring him a cup of "Tea", which was really water and asked if he wanted some Tea. Smiling, he nodded and drank the Tea which made me happy. Well, after several cups of Tea, Grandma finally came home. Grandpa asked her to wait in the living room and watch as I dutifully brought him cups of Tea, because he thought it was the cutest thing! Grandma waited and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of Tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said... ..."Did it ever occur to you that the only place he can reach for water, on his own, is the toilet?" Eww lol but funny 🤣 1
WizardofOSS Posted October 9 Report Posted October 9 Four Catholic ladies are having morning coffee together and bragging about how important their sons are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into the room, everyone calls him "Father" The second woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into the room, everyone calls him "Your Grace" The third woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into the room, everyone calls him "Your Eminence" The fourth woman sips her coffee silently. The first three women look at her expectantly, like "well?"... ...The fourth woman replies, "My son is a charismaic, 6'2" hardbodied, tanned, male exotic dancer, when he walks into the room, everyone says "My God!" 2
WizardofOSS Posted October 9 Report Posted October 9 My son tried coffee for the first time this morning. Immediately, he spat it out! "Ugh! It tastes like Dirt!!" he said I replied, "Well I said it was just ground this morning!" 1
WizardofOSS Posted October 9 Report Posted October 9 Instead of water, I put Red Bull in the back of my coffee maker this morning... ...I was halfway to work when I realized I forgot my car! 1
wackadoodle Posted October 9 Report Posted October 9 5 hours ago, WizardofOSS said: Four Catholic ladies are having morning coffee together and bragging about how important their sons are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into the room, everyone calls him "Father" The second woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into the room, everyone calls him "Your Grace" The third woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into the room, everyone calls him "Your Eminence" The fourth woman sips her coffee silently. The first three women look at her expectantly, like "well?"... ...The fourth woman replies, "My son is a charismaic, 6'2" hardbodied, tanned, male exotic dancer, when he walks into the room, everyone says "My God!" I cannot explain just how much I love this joke 1 1
WizardofOSS Posted October 13 Report Posted October 13 What's the most powerful ride at the carnival? If you said Roller Coaster, good guess, but it isn't... ...The Carousel has the most horsepower!
WizardofOSS Posted October 13 Report Posted October 13 A man was wandering around a Rennaissance Festival and came across a fortune teller's tent. He entered the tent and sat down. The fortune teller waved her hands over a crystal ball and said in a mysterious voice, "I see you are the father of two children" "That's what you think," the man said skeptically, "I am the father to three children!" The fortune teller replied, "That's what YOU think!"
WizardofOSS Posted October 13 Report Posted October 13 Joe took a blind date to the Carnival. "What would you like to do first Kim?" Joe asked. "I wanna get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 lbs, but then she weighed in at 117 lbs. She won a prize! Next, they went to the Ferris Wheel, and when the ride was over Joe asked her, "What would you like to do now?" "I wanna get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went, but since they had already been there, the guesser guessed correctly and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the Carnival some more and then Joe asked her, "What would you like to do next?" "I wanna get weighed," she responded By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake and left. Her roommate Laura, saw Kim and asked her about her blind date, "How did it go?" ...Kim responded, "Oh Waura, it was wousy!" 1
WizardofOSS Posted October 13 Report Posted October 13 A horribly drunk man was stumbling to the carnival game booth, and sloppily picked up the air rifle. On his very first shot, he knocked the target down, much to the game operator's astonishment. "Wow sir! That was amazing!" exclaimed the operator. "You'll be going home with our Grand Prize!" and handed him a pet turtle. The drunk man was ecstatic and disappeared back into the crowd, only to return 30 minutes later. Once again, he picked up the air rifle and knocked down the target in one shot! He was cheered and handed another pet turtle and again, he disappeared back into the crowd. Another 30 minutes later, he was back. Again, he shot the target on his first attempt. "Look sir," said the astonished game operator, "I admire your skill but we are all out of turtles." "Who said anything about turtles?" the drunk man questioned.... ..."I just wanted another of your crunchy meat pies!"
MissAnna Posted October 13 Report Posted October 13 On 10/9/2025 at 10:37 AM, WizardofOSS said: Four Catholic ladies are having morning coffee together and bragging about how important their sons are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into the room, everyone calls him "Father" The second woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into the room, everyone calls him "Your Grace" The third woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into the room, everyone calls him "Your Eminence" The fourth woman sips her coffee silently. The first three women look at her expectantly, like "well?"... ...The fourth woman replies, "My son is a charismaic, 6'2" hardbodied, tanned, male exotic dancer, when he walks into the room, everyone says "My God!" I stole your joke and told my doctors I am working with now everyone is giggling
WizardofOSS Posted October 14 Report Posted October 14 15 hours ago, MissAnna said: I stole your joke and told my doctors I am working with now everyone is giggling Awww....anyone is always welcome to steal these jokes. Consider them "open source". I tell jokes all the time at work, at home, with strangers and from experience, there's no better way to get someone to smile than a nice clean joke. If you're shy and don't know what to say, open up with a dad joke - everyone loves them! Start with, "You know what I heard this morning?...." or "Did you hear?.." or a personal favorite...."Do you wanna hear a joke?" Some people who are neurodivergent don't usually like jokes because it's hard to process the punchline. Give them warning, it prepares them and it goes a lot better! Above all else, enjoy the experience! As I like to say, "A Stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet!"- Wizard of OSS 🤪 1
WizardofOSS Posted October 14 Report Posted October 14 Just before bed, a little boy is heard loudly praying, "God, I want a new Bicycle!" Mom opens the door and says, "Why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing." The boy replies,.... ..."No, but Grandma is!"
WizardofOSS Posted October 15 Report Posted October 15 A dad went to his garage, and started moving lawn furniture out on the driveway. Then he pulled out his lawnmower onto the driveway, and then a bicycle. The neighbor, watching this, walked over and asked, "What are you doing? Having a Garage Sale?" "No," Dad replied. My son just bought his first car there in the garage and he's got a big date tonight. He's inside getting ready." The neighbor then asked, "So what's with all the stuff?" "Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way whenever I got home from work, I just wanted to return the experience!" Dad replied.
WizardofOSS Posted October 15 Report Posted October 15 My brother just purchased a luxury Porshe and was quite proud of it. He was driving home from the dealership and had to stop for Gas. While he was filling up, a young boy with missing teeth, suspenders and muddy boots rode up on a tricycle saying, "Wow mister! I never saw a car like that before! Can I look inside?" "Sure kid, but take those boots off first," my brother replied. The boy did as told and looked inside. Meanwhile, the gas was completed and my brother told the kid, "Time to go!" and the kid hopped out, put his boots on and jumped on his tricycle as my brother got in his new car, slammed the door and took off. Once on the road, my brother wants to see what his new car can do, and speeds up....40mph, 60, 80.... Suddenly, in the rearview mirror, he sees something....small and approaching fast. He then realized it was that boy on the tricycle! Peddling super fast, with a look of pure terror and determination in his eyes, the boy in the tricycle was gaining, then passed him! Astonished beyond belief, my brother sped faster....80...90...100 mph! He managed to catch up and pass the kid! Then, the kid sped up faster and faster, passing him again!! Not wanting to be caught by the cops, my brother slowed down as he approached a town...100...80...60..50 and as he did so, it seemed the little boy ahead of him slowed too and then started backpeddling backwards to him, moving back behind him pretty fast! Then the boy slowed and peddled back to him, finally keeping pace with my brother. Astonished, my brother rolled down his window and asked, "How you doing that kid?" The little boy, still peddling furiously, tears streaking down his cheeks, slowly turns his head to my brother with fear and terror in his eyes and says, ... ..."My suspenders got stuck in your door!!"
WizardofOSS Posted October 15 Report Posted October 15 After three years, my wife starts to wonder why the baby looks different and orders a DNA test. After a couple of weeks the results come back and she finds out the baby's DNA doesn't match either of us! She comes to me and says, "Honey, I have some startling news. The Baby isn't our child!" "Of course," I reply, "Don't you remember?" Confused, she shakes her head I explain, "When we were leaving the Hospital, you noticed Our baby had a wet diaper and you said.... "Honey, go change the Baby, I'll wait for you here"
WizardofOSS Posted October 16 Report Posted October 16 (edited) Did you know that the only two white actors in the movie "The Black Panther" are Martin Freeman (Who played Bilbo Baggins) and Andy Serkis (Who played Gollum). They are the Tolkien White guys. Edited October 16 by WizardofOSS
WizardofOSS Posted October 16 Report Posted October 16 (edited) Jesus, Moses and a mutual friend are playing golf. Jesus steps up to the Tee. He takes his swing and it's a nice looking drive, but goes into the water hazard and floats to the top. Jesus walks out on the pond and chips it up to the Green. Moses steps up to the Tee. He takes his swing and it's a nice looking drive too, but also goes into the water hazard and sinks to the bottom. Moses walks to the edge of the pond, holds his club aloft and the water parts. Moses then walked down and chipped his ball up to the Green. Their friend then steps up to the Tee. He takes his swing and it's a nice looking drive, but heads toward the water hazard. Suddenly it is grabbed by a sparrow up to the air, then a Hawk scares the sparrow who drops the ball into the open mouth of a frog, who is then picked up by a Hawk, which squeezes the frog causing it to spit the ball out, which falls down, bounces off a tree limb and drops right into the hole. A Hole in One! Moses turns to Jesus and says.... "Man, I really hate playing Golf with your Dad!" Edited October 16 by WizardofOSS
WizardofOSS Posted October 16 Report Posted October 16 Two men are playing Golf when one realizes he left his jacket at the last Tee. He goes back to get it, but about halfway there, he stops and turns around and returns back. "What's up?' Asked his friend. "Well, you see those two women at the Tee? One's my wife and the other is my mistress!" His friend laughs, "No worries! I'll go get it for you." The friend walks that way and then about halfway, he too stops and turns around and returns back. He looks at his friend and says... "It's a small World!"
WizardofOSS Posted October 16 Report Posted October 16 A Priest, a Doctor and an Engineer were playing Golf together. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and so inexpertly, that they ask the Greenkeeper for an explanation. "Oh, that's a group of blind firefighters," he tells them. "They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free." The Priest says, "I will pray for them tonight" The Doctor says, "Let me ask my Opthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them." The Engineer says, "Why can't they play at night?"
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