Struggling with the Balance Between Structure and Freedom

[Ploy]

I stand at the edge of this strange need—an urge to be cared for, to be loved, to surrender to someone who would define my boundaries and enforce rules upon me. And yet, in this very surrender, I find the bitter taste of constraint. It is not that I desire to be without love, or that I reject the warmth of care and tenderness. No. It is that I cannot forget the cold truth that every rule, every gesture of affection that comes with it, is a chain, however gilded.

I long for structure, to be held in a space where I am protected from the chaos I so often fear. But in my longing, I must ask myself: Is it truly the care I desire, or merely the comfort of knowing that I am contained? It is not that I fear being loved—it is that I fear that in surrendering to it, I may lose the very thing I am fighting to protect: my freedom.

For what is freedom but the capacity to choose, to act without the certainty of outcome, to stand in the face of all that binds and say, ‘I will not be defined by this’? And yet, here I am, caught in the tension of my own desires—wanting love and guidance, but unable to abandon the essential rebellion within me. The absurdity is not that I want to be loved, but that I want to be loved without losing myself in the process.

And so, I ask: Can I truly embrace care without surrendering my autonomy? Can I be both guided and free? I do not know. But to live is to ask the question, and perhaps that is the only answer I will ever find.

I’m curious—how do you navigate this tension between the need for structure and the desire for freedom in your own dynamics? How do you find the balance between being cared for while still keeping your sense of self intact? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this!

[Aikko]

Excellent question! I’ll give a short answer and come back to edit when I get home so I don’t lose track of this topic since it well deserves the thoughtful and experiential answer I feel uniquely qualified to provide. (Certainly only my opinion and experience, not meant in anyway to disqualify other answers or thoughts.) I am in a healthy dynamic with my Daddy. Prior to him, I was married and your very fears were realized in my situation. I lost every ounce of my being to being a wife and somewhere along the way, my personal autonomy and freedom went along with it. Now granted, it was a domestically abusive situation so it certainly does not apply to general healthy relationships and/or dynamics, but as I looked back, I saw that I had become someone I no longer recognized. And that became the overarching theme/backbone in what I sought in a partner afterward: someone who would be there to provide flight lessons, safety nets, and support without clipping my flight feathers under the guise of “helping” me. Again, excellent question, and I will answer this, if not tonight when I get home, then tomorrow. 

[.คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

If someone feels like they've lost freedom in a romantic partnership, that's not love. It certainly isn't DDLG, let alone BDSM. It's abuse. 

[Aikko]

7 minutes ago, .คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ said:

If someone feels like they've lost freedom in a romantic partnership, that's not love. It certainly isn't DDLG, let alone BDSM. It's abuse. 

Alright, so my answer could have been summed up in 2.5 sentences. 😅 But still, I’ll come back to edit with my personal story and how I managed to overcome those trust issues (spoiler alert: I haven’t yet) and what red flags I no longer ignore. 

[.คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

1 minute ago, Aikko said:

Alright, so my answer could have been summed up in 2.5 sentences. 😅 But still, I’ll come back to edit with my personal story and how I managed to overcome those trust issues (spoiler alert: I haven’t yet) and what red flags I no longer ignore. 

To be fair; my slow mental processing was getting in the way of forming those said 2.5 sentences for a good 40 minutes or so, up until you posted. You gave me the, "Yup, I actually understand what I'm reading." that my brain was hesitant on comprehending. So thanks for that, lol.

You absolutely should still post your extended story, as it could help give context for anybody who might find the information useful! <3

[redruffle41]

Be friends first? Find a basis in a relationship where you know each other as people, individuals. Then add DDlg Dom sub and CG little 

[MrJJ]

Well first of all, I would not recommend agreeing to anything you are not comfortable with, that's a recipe for disaster for all parties.

I'm more of a caregiver so I can't say I fully understand the dom/sub style of DDLG (which this sounds like), but I would say it's up to you to define how far is too far. This should hopefully allow you to retain your autonomy because you've set the boundaries that let you feel safe.

Another thing I could recommend is not going all-in too soon. Maybe start with some lighter rules and situations until you and your partner are more familiar and comfortable with one another's boundaries. I've had some deep discussions with dom/sub people and, while I don't participate, they've always said that being comfortable and feeling safe is the primary concern. They use the term "sub-drop" (IIRC), which basically means you crash/burn out. It seems to be an issue when aftercare is not done properly, or at all, or if their boundaries are pushed too far or ignored.

Another possibility is just being a brat, lol. Some couples enjoy the dynamic but the little wants to act out and rebel and they choose to have fun with that. A lot of the littles I've talked to or read things about seem to actually find FREEDOM within the rules they're given, but that doesn't appear to be your case.

Starting slow and understanding your experiences is probably the best way to begin and allow yourself to GROW into the dynamic you're looking for.

Hope this helps!

[Carleigh]

Navigating the balance between structure and freedom can indeed be a challenging journey. I believe it's important to communicate openly with those you care about, setting boundaries that respect both your need for autonomy and your desire for connection. Finding balance often involves compromise and clear understanding of each person's needs. It might be helpful to periodically evaluate your relationships to ensure they align with your personal growth and self-identity. Ultimately, embracing flexibility and staying true to yourself can help you maintain both your freedom and the warmth of being cared for.