Need advice

[babygirlallie_79]

I have been a closet baby/toddler/middle for about 5 years now I'm married to a husband that believes that the BDSM/ABDL community is a disgusting & abusive lifestyle. I also have 2 grown kids, a very religious family, & live in a small community. I love my husband as a person, but no longer as a spouse & if I could leave him, I would. It doesn't help that he's also submissive as well (he just won't admit it). I've had to be the adult in charge since I had my 1st born son nearly 27 years ago & I'm so tired of having to be the decision maker! I'm so tired of having to be the disciplinarian! My husband has been too scared to be a daddy to even his own kids so I had to step up when all I wanna do is regress & let a daddy of my own to take over. In the past I've been able to regress during the day when my husband & son are gone, but now my youngest is graduating in a few weeks & will be home during the day. I'm also sure that having a real DDlg relationship is a LOT more fulfilling than just being a little trying to imagine what a Daddy would do. I'd love some any advice as well as friends with the same interests as me. 

[.คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

Please explain exactly why you can't leave this man. Because you don't want to? Because you're afraid of hurting him and your kids? Or because of conservative social pressure?

If your kids are all grown adults, they'll understand that mom doesn't love dad romantically anymore. It will definitely be hard for them, but they'll get over it eventually. Just be clear that it isn't their fault.

Your husband will definitely find the breakup hard. He's a grown man. His feelings are not worth more than your needs. He'll get over it if given enough time.

As far as conservative society is concerned, personally, I'd give the finger and would move somewhere more open-minded. There's a strong chance that they're never going to fully accept me anyways.

Now, this is not a "Leave him." post. Only you can determine if that's what's best for you. But while making up your mind, ask yourself the questions I did and work from the conclusions you've made.

Even if your question lacked ddlg elements, I'd still say the same thing. It sounds like you're the only adult in the room. That alone is enough to instigate a conversation about responsibility with him.

Please remember that your feelings, needs, wants, and goals are just as important as anybody else's. Let your heart, head, and gut guide you with your decision making. But whatever your decision, I hope that you get the desired outcome while not losing site of yourself. If anything, sit him down and have an honest conversation with him.

Also, an irl ddlg relationship can definitely be fulfilling, but that doesn't mean that imaginary ddlg relationships are invalid. It all depends on what each individual's relationship goals and desires look like.

Anyways, I hope my morning rambling helps.

Edited Tuesday at 01:40 PM by .คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ

[babygirlallie_79]

2 hours ago, .คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ said:

Please explain exactly why you can't leave this man. Because you don't want to? Because you're afraid of hurting him and your kids? Or because of conservative social pressure?

If your kids are all grown adults, they'll understand that mom doesn't love dad romantically anymore. It will definitely be hard for them, but they'll get over it eventually. Just be clear that it isn't their fault.

Your husband will definitely find the breakup hard. He's a grown man. His feelings are not worth more than your needs. He'll get over it if given enough time.

As far as conservative society is concerned, personally, I'd give the finger and would move somewhere more open-minded. There's a strong chance that they're never going to fully accept me anyways.

Now, this is not a "Leave him." post. Only you can determine if that's what's best for you. But while making up your mind, ask yourself the questions I did and work from the conclusions you've made.

Even if your question lacked ddlg elements, I'd still say the same thing. It sounds like you're the only adult in the room. That alone is enough to instigate a conversation about responsibility with him.

Please remember that your feelings, needs, wants, and goals are just as important as anybody else's. Let your heart, head, and gut guide you with your decision making. But whatever your decision, I hope that you get the desired outcome while not losing site of yourself. If anything, sit him down and have an honest conversation with him.

Also, an irl ddlg relationship can definitely be fulfilling, but that doesn't mean that imaginary ddlg relationships are invalid. It all depends on what each individual's relationship goals and desires look like.

Anyways, I hope my morning rambling helps.

Thank you so much for your advice. I think my boys would be happy as long as I'm happy. It's more the $ factor & his depression/anxiety that's holding me back. I'm worried that if I leave him that he'll do something drastic & I don't want that on my conscience.

[.คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

@babygirlallie_79

Of course~

I understand money issues, particularly in our current economic climate. Living on two paychecks is hard. Living on just one can bring about a financial crisis.

You are absolutely not responsible for his actions.

If he's aware that he has mental health issues, but isn't doing anything about it then it's not your responsibility, should he do something stupid. If you've sat him down and attempted to get him to seek professional help, then that's all you can do. The old saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but..."

Considering your situation (conservative mindset) I understand why you feel this way. However, you're letting someone else run your life at this point, even if indirectly. It sounds like you're essentially doing what you were taught- "behave" (suffer in silence) for the sake of domestic (your husband's ego) peace (or else).

I know a lot of your potential decisions are hard to make, but that's just how life is sometimes.

Edited yesterday at 02:03 AM by .คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ

[babygirlallie_79]

1 hour ago, .คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ said:

@babygirlallie_79

Of course~

I understand money issues, particularly in our current economic climate. Living on two paychecks is hard. Living on just one can bring about a financial crisis.

You are absolutely not responsible for his actions.

If he's aware that he has mental health issues, but isn't doing anything about it then it's not your responsibility, should he do something stupid. If you've sat him down and attempted to get him to seek professional help, then that's all you can do. The old saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but..."

Considering your situation (conservative mindset) I understand why you feel this way. However, you're letting someone else run your life at this point, even if indirectly. It sounds like you're essentially doing what you were taught- "behave" (suffer in silence) for the sake of domestic (your husband's) peace (or else).

I know a lot of your potential decisions are hard to make, but that's just how life is sometimes.

Thank you so much 😊 

4 hours ago, .คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ said:

Please explain exactly why you can't leave this man. Because you don't want to? Because you're afraid of hurting him and your kids? Or because of conservative social pressure?

If your kids are all grown adults, they'll understand that mom doesn't love dad romantically anymore. It will definitely be hard for them, but they'll get over it eventually. Just be clear that it isn't their fault.

Your husband will definitely find the breakup hard. He's a grown man. His feelings are not worth more than your needs. He'll get over it if given enough time.

As far as conservative society is concerned, personally, I'd give the finger and would move somewhere more open-minded. There's a strong chance that they're never going to fully accept me anyways.

Now, this is not a "Leave him." post. Only you can determine if that's what's best for you. But while making up your mind, ask yourself the questions I did and work from the conclusions you've made.

Even if your question lacked ddlg elements, I'd still say the same thing. It sounds like you're the only adult in the room. That alone is enough to instigate a conversation about responsibility with him.

Please remember that your feelings, needs, wants, and goals are just as important as anybody else's. Let your heart, head, and gut guide you with your decision making. But whatever your decision, I hope that you get the desired outcome while not losing site of yourself. If anything, sit him down and have an honest conversation with him.

Also, an irl ddlg relationship can definitely be fulfilling, but that doesn't mean that imaginary ddlg relationships are invalid. It all depends on what each individual's relationship goals and desires look like.

Anyways, I hope my morning rambling helps.

Thank you so much for your advice. I think my boys would be happy as long as I'm happy. It's more the $ factor & his depression/anxiety that's holding me back. I'm worried that if I leave him that he'll do something drastic & I don't want that on my conscience.

[MasterPhotog]

10 hours ago, babygirlallie_79 said:

I have been a closet baby/toddler/middle for about 5 years now I'm married to a husband that believes that the BDSM/ABDL community is a disgusting & abusive lifestyle. I also have 2 grown kids, a very religious family, & live in a small community. I love my husband as a person, but no longer as a spouse & if I could leave him, I would. It doesn't help that he's also submissive as well (he just won't admit it). I've had to be the adult in charge since I had my 1st born son nearly 27 years ago & I'm so tired of having to be the decision maker! I'm so tired of having to be the disciplinarian! My husband has been too scared to be a daddy to even his own kids so I had to step up when all I wanna do is regress & let a daddy of my own to take over. In the past I've been able to regress during the day when my husband & son are gone, but now my youngest is graduating in a few weeks & will be home during the day. I'm also sure that having a real DDlg relationship is a LOT more fulfilling than just being a little trying to imagine what a Daddy would do. I'd love some any advice as well as friends with the same interests as me. 

@babygirlallie_79 

Thank you for sharing something so personal — it takes real courage to speak up, especially when you're carrying so much weight on your own. It seems you've spent decades putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own, and that kind of weight can be extremely exhausting. You deserve to feel supported, seen, and emotionally safe — not just as a mother or wife, but also as a little in your own right.

It’s okay to acknowledge that love can shift over time, and it’s okay to feel conflicted about what to do next. Wanting change doesn’t make you selfish — it makes you human. It’s clear you’ve been the emotional backbone of your family for so long, and it’s no wonder you’re tired. You shouldn't have to shoulder everything alone.

If you haven't already, talking to a therapist or counselor might give you space to process all of this without judgment. And know that whatever you decide going forward, you’re allowed to prioritize your own well-being too — especially after giving so much for so long.

Please remember, you're not alone, and you're not wrong for feeling the way you do. Depending on how you feel about it, you may want to consider having a CG online or locally in person to give you strenth and support. 

You have great advice here, feel free to DM me if there's something you want to talk about privately. Sending you strength and support as you navigate your next step. 

[babygirlallie_79]

Thank you so much! I've only come out on 1 other forum over the weekend & am hoping that by talking about these things to other people that I might be able to figure out where I should go from here, cuz I know I can't continue the way I have been. I feel like I lose more & more of myself the longer that I'm stuck. I also hope that by talking about what I'm dealing with might help someone else as well that might be going through a similar situation.

[Warmandfuzzy]

Hello babygirlallie and welcome to the community!

I will approach your post a little differently than the others. I believe that deep down we all know what is best for ourselves and that others should help us to reach the answer in our heart. The first thing I would ask you is what do you want? But it seems like you have answered that and what I hear that rings out the most is "I feel like I lose more & more of myself the longer that I'm stuck." What exactly are you losing and how much is it worth to you? If I am hearing you correctly, you feel an obligation to your husband who you have been married to for years. This is understandable and I would expect feeling obligation. What peaks my curiosity with your situation is which is more important to you: what you are losing about yourself or the obligation to him and anxiety around him doing something negative to himself? Also, I don't view life as black and white. Are there any opportunities to support him in his mental health even if you leave that will allow you to feel like you are doing what you need to for him while also doing what you need to do for yourself?

These are heavy questions and may take time to answer. As has already been said by previous posts on this thread, this is a supportive community and people are generally helpful and happy to talk. My hope is you find the right answers for you and can wake up every morning living the life you deserve 😊

[babygirlallie_79]

Thank you Warmandfuzzy. I just wanna be happy & it may be selfish of me but I know that the longer I put my needs & wants on the back burner, the more stuck I get. I've been trying to save up for an apartment of my own, but it's also been difficult to do with the way the economy is right now. As far as my husband goes, I've tried to get him to go to counseling but he believes that he's fine with the medication (which is possible if he'd stop only taking half a dose or just not take it for several days). When it comes to a online CG how does that work?

[lillizzie24]

you deserve happiness. I understand you care about him and what happens but he also is also an adult who makes his own decisions. But also if you see signs when you leave you can also call the crisis hotline to get him help b4 he does do anything. Your happiness and needs matter and what Im reading could be wrong sry if I am... What u need in a relationship is not being met. You shouldn't have to hide who you are from your husband. He should be accepting u for u if not its not ok. 

[Warmandfuzzy]

16 hours ago, babygirlallie_79 said:

Thank you Warmandfuzzy. I just wanna be happy & it may be selfish of me but I know that the longer I put my needs & wants on the back burner, the more stuck I get. I've been trying to save up for an apartment of my own, but it's also been difficult to do with the way the economy is right now. As far as my husband goes, I've tried to get him to go to counseling but he believes that he's fine with the medication (which is possible if he'd stop only taking half a dose or just not take it for several days). When it comes to a online CG how does that work?

Hey Allie, 

It sounds like you have most likely put your needs on the back burner for a long time, raising your kids and being in a marriage. I think that deserves a lot of recognition as it takes a lot of time, effort and love to be in a mother role. I hear that you now want to pursue your needs and wants, which is understandable. In regards to your husband, if he is unwilling to get counseling and not taking his meds daily there isn't much you can do. If the meds are for mental health then most of them require daily dosing to be effective, which I am sure you know. It sounds like you have done what you can 🙂

As for the online CG, you would need to be more specific in your question as there is a lot that can go into it. I added you as a follower so feel free to message me more specifics if you have anything further you would like to discuss. I hope this message finds you well!!!!

[babygirlallie_79]

Thank you! My question about an online CG is how is someone able to be a CG to anyone online? I guess I just don't understand how that whole concept works.

[Warmandfuzzy]

Have you checked the "Caregiver Cafe"? That section has a lot of good posts about all sorts of aspects in being a caregiver and the dynamics that go into it. There is a lot more detail in those posts then I could cover here.