I feel like i'm the problem but i don't know why :c SOS!!

[Ploy]

It's been two days since the last argument. He's upset again. I find myself retracing everything--what I said, what I didn't say. Somehow, I'm always the reason it falls apart Or maybe I just feel like I am.

Is this still love? If it is, it's the kind that chips away at you, until you no longer recognize the shape of yourself. I try, every day, to give him peace. I hold my tongue, I soften my voice, I try to make his world feel safe. But I'm exhausted. I feel... caged by his needs even if I wasn't asked to bend to them. I feel like I HAVE to, not because I was asked or not, it just feels like my obligation to do my best to keep him secure and try to make him feel loved...

He doesn't want me talking to anyone else--not really. He's said it, even while admitting it's wrong. But the rule still hangs there, unspoken but heavy. Every time i bond with someone, I feel like I'm betraying him. I carry that guilt that doesn't belong to me, but I carry it anyway.

I'm starting to wonder--am I the one to blame? Not for what he feels, but for letting it build like this. For not knowing how to speak without wounding. For saying the wrong things, or too much or not enough. Is this all my fault? Or is? Or neither? But it can't be nobody. Someone must be to blame. 

And if it has to be me, I'll take it. But it's so heavy. I don't know how much longer I can carry it without disappearing under the weight.

I'm not trying to blame him. I know his fears aren't his fault. But they're not harmless either. They're sharp. And they cut. And I'm bleeding.

And I guess now I'm asking... Is this what a DDLG/CGL dynamic is supposed to feel like? I want to be loved and cared for as a little--not that he doesn't love me or care for me, I'm sure he does--but something about this just feels off. It doesn't feel safe like I think the dynamic should. It doesn't feel soft. I don't know how I feel, just that whatever this is, it doesn't feel right. I love being a little I love this dynamic and I'm trying to be the best little I can, But I feel like more like a prisoner than a partner. Maybe I'm overthinking. Maybe I'm not. But I need to know if this is normal--because if it is, I don't think I belong in it.

I want to bring this up to him, I might once he's cooled off and have a level head. I know I should, but I really don't want to. I'm so scared I don't know what to do.

If anyone has any insight for what I should do or any advice please! That would be super helpful... I just need help figuring out what to do.😞

Edited May 4 by Ploy

[Kaito]

There is a whole lot to unpack here.

He doesnt want you talking to anyone else.
This shouldn't fly in anything, vanilla or any dynamic. I've been through this twice and it ends the same. Eventually you have enough, and when it ends, you start picking up the peices and finding new ones to rebuild. And it hurts because for the longest time your lonely without support after your old friends have moved on without you.

And it sounds like your blaming yourself for your partners moods. If you are TRYING to make your partner happy and they're reacting badly, I can garuntee the problem does not reside with anything you did.

In a healthy relationship or a healthy dynamic, you both want to actively build each other up and bring one another happiness.

I dont know what they might be going through but it never justifys bringing down others, especially the people who care about you.
You should never "feel like a prisoner", that someones mental health is "your fault" and you SHOULD feel safe loved and cared for.

I can't tell you what to do, I suspect you already have a very good idea of what that is but remember that you, and them and everyone else deserve happiness and peace, which it seems you are not receiving right now.

Do you think this can continue in a way that lets you feel peace, safety, connection, happiness and love?

[Ploy]

I don't know. i really don't know if anything is ever going to change. We do these check-ins where we're supposed to share how we feel and what we think the other can work on. And every time he's asked of something of me, I've written it down. I've made the changes. He's acknowledged that.

But when I ask for something simple--like "Hey, could you check the little couples app?" or "Could you look at the Instagram reels I sent you?"--I get excuses. He's told me before he doesn't go on his phone much, and okay, I can accept that. But if I'm willing to reshape parts of myself to make him feel more secure--then why is something as small as watching a reel too much to ask?

H e sits at his desk all day. I know what he does. It's not life-or-death. It's not so important that he can't spare two minutes for something that would make me feel a little more seen.

And maybe this is just built-up anger finally slipping through, but I think I'm allowed to feel this way. I've been trying--for him, for us. And it hurts knowing he's not doing the same. Not just for me, but for himself, and for the people in his life that care about him. I know how hard thinks are for him. I know life feels heavy. But I'm carrying it too--and i'm doing it with effort.

I've told him before that it makes me upset and that it is hurting me. But nothing's changed.

I'm dreading having this converstation with him but i know i'll have to some time soon.

25 minutes ago, Kaito said:

There is a whole lot to unpack here.

He doesnt want you talking to anyone else.
This shouldn't fly in anything, vanilla or any dynamic. I've been through this twice and it ends the same. Eventually you have enough, and when it ends, you start picking up the peices and finding new ones to rebuild. And it hurts because for the longest time your lonely without support after your old friends have moved on without you.

And it sounds like your blaming yourself for your partners moods. If you are TRYING to make your partner happy and they're reacting badly, I can garuntee the problem does not reside with anything you did.

In a healthy relationship or a healthy dynamic, you both want to actively build each other up and bring one another happiness.

I dont know what they might be going through but it never justifys bringing down others, especially the people who care about you.
You should never "feel like a prisoner", that someones mental health is "your fault" and you SHOULD feel safe loved and cared for.

I can't tell you what to do, I suspect you already have a very good idea of what that is but remember that you, and them and everyone else deserve happiness and peace, which it seems you are not receiving right now.

Do you think this can continue in a way that lets you feel peace, safety, connection, happiness and love?

 

[Kaito]

From my experience in similar situations with insecure partners.

You can never take enough steps to make another person feel secure. You end up with no social media, then you stop going out with your friends, then you stop texting, then you regulate who you can even talk to at work because you dont want another argument and then all you have left is the person who set you up for lonliness.
Take it from this dipshit who didn't learn his from his mistakes with the first person.

In a relationship, insecurity can't work without someone being miserable.
If they're not doing anything to warrent insecurity, your just going to make them miserable.
If they are you should leave, and most things people get insecure about aren't worth being insecure about in the first place, so they'll either regulate and make themselves miserable, punishing themselves for things they haven't done, or they will call your BS for what it is and leave themselves.

I would really struggle to equate "Spend five minutes to look at this thing I like and want to share with you" and "Please regulate your behaviours to satisfy my insecurities" as being remotely comparible compromises.

 

[Little kaiya]

What you're describing has so many markers of psychological and emotional abuse it is frightening to read. As someone who has worked with abuse victims frequently over the years when I see descriptions of self blame, excusing the other person's behaviour, one sided change, isolating techniques and more i get very concerned.

I would strongly recommend seeking professional support to get an additional perspective but I highly suspect they may express the same concerns.

Stay self and please don't stay in a situation where you are eroded, put down and mentally harmed and made to doubt yourself on a continual basis.

[.คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

Please keep yourself safe.