BDSM EXPLAINED FOR LITTLES AND EVERYONE ELSE

[redruffle41]

I wanted to write a friendly, healthy explanation of D/s in BDSM and DDlg for everyone here to think about for themselves.  If you don't know about submissive power or what BDSM is about please take a look. Remember this is just my perspective on an inexhaustible topic.

DDlg is a sub category of BDSM

BDSM stands for: Bondage and discipline (B&D), Dominance and submission (D&s), Sadomasochism (or S&M).

In the pursuit of these sexual plays between consenting adults the question of HOW TO NAVIGATE healthfully arises naturally for every healthy individual.  Everyone who has engaged in this arena generally has an opinion and a method....some don't have a method; they're just wingin' it and some don't have any good clue about what they're doing. Some people know what they're doing and they have no good intentions towards anyone. Here are some basics to get you thinking of your values and  wants; and most importantly your mental and physical safety.

A classical perspective would look at a BDSM scene and think that the Dom has all the power. Dom is not tied up, Dom is usually in a state of movement or dynamic action. Dom is actively making decisions that act upon the sub. However, in the secret psychological flow between people who are consenting adults in this play scene the sub is actually in charge of everything because what is being acted out has been previously discussed and planned.

The same way kids in a playground discuss the rules and play a game, in healthy BDSM there is a start, a stop and the option to timeout. So, the sub has given over their power to the Dom, yes. But the sub chooses to do this via communication and planning with the Dom. The Dom cannot force play (any person who violates play rules egregiously during play isn't healthy and shouldn't be played with again) and the sub can take away this consent at any time. In this sense the Dom can only be Dom with a sub to act upon. It is the altar that every Dom kneels at. Dom has nothing to act upon without a consenting sub. In this sense Dom cannot express itself without the willing presence of the sub. That's some power! This is the power you must first claim for yourself. Otherwise, how can you give it? 

Power exchange in bdsm is the thing that drives the sexual arousal of the brain. If there is no power exchange it's like having no water pressure in your hose....sure water comes out but...barely.  If you get up enough power exchange and tension you will have a huge source of sexual energy to play with!! yum yum! You can willingly, emotionally and( if u want) sexually give away your power but you must first realize your ownership of it in order to do so.  Doing so not only may help you grow as a person, but it can also help you find a good DDlg or other relationship.  Where to find this power and what exactly is it made of? I believe the power a sub gives away to a Dom is made up of the ESSENCE of you AND your ability to VALUE that which is yourself. Here is a bullet list to expand this idea even further.

Essence is defined as the intrinsic (unquestioned belonging) nature or indispensable quality of something, especially something abstract, that determines its character.

 1. Self understanding. You must know who you are AND practice acceptance of all the characteristics of yourself if you are to have a handle on your power. Love the good parts of yourself everyday. Hug all of yourself to your heart and feel great warmth, joy and respect for your purpose, courage, and heart.  Even love your life.  This world is not an easy existence; everyone here should get an award just for being.  However, even if there's something you don't like about yourself (btw totally normal part of being human.) you must lovingly accept the existence of the thing you don't like AND the fact that you don't like it.  The better you are at claiming all of you the more you will be within your agency to fully HOLD yourself.

2. Honesty.  Once you have done work of holding and knowing yourself (btw this is never a process that is ever complete. Rather, it is like chasing infinity.) you must be able to look at yourself in the mirror and honestly say, "I know who I am, I love all of me". When I look in the mirror I see someone I know fully, and I love. I am the best person I know. I know the most about me, more than anyone else will ever know and I love me.  Would you be able to stand next to your heroes and say the same thing proudly while looking them in the eye? Are you proud of your current situation? This is your first practice in honesty and it is not with your Dom. Honesty as a practice starts within the context of the relationship you have with yourself.  How can u be honest with a Dom if you're not honest with yourself first?  You must value yourself enough to be honest with yourself. You are uniquely you. There will NEVER in all the history of the world and existence ever be another you. YOU are an event in the timeline of all things.  You have intrinsic value; precious.  You have been put to the task of caring for yourself and being yourself.  So, any life goals or areas that need to be addressed?  Dont be afraid to be honest with you. Remember that you are also practicing the step from #1. self love and compassion. This will help with honesty.

3. Value. Only you decide your worth, not your Dom. You decide if you have earned love, not your Dom. You decide if you are acceptable not your Dom. Only you can say if you are good enough because it is YOU who makes YOU; not your Dom.  I ask you: Do you love yourself? Do you love and accept your answer to that question? This is power that frequently is given away neglectfully, and prematurely in the Ddlg community. A healthy partner, daddy, boyfriend, girlfriend, fuck buddy, husband, play partner, wife, etc should not want to FIX you (you are not broken) They should want to be a positive presence at the least and at the most support you while you grow. Anything after that is just labels, titles and paperwork. 

4.  Realize that you choose.  You ARE in the seat of power of your own life. That is a fact. Now, you must willingly CHOOSE that power. Love it. Crave it. Crave every difficult scary horrible bill paying aspect of your life. It is yours. All of it. Choose THAT which is YOU. In all the world there is nothing scarier for me than holding the reins of my own life, but I must do it. I must realize that I choose my actions. That it is me who is responsible for where I am sitting today. Certainly there are factors outside my control but I have decided how to respond and act in accordance with those factors. You must choose you and your life. Especially if you want another person to choose you. Maybe you need to get your life in order? What kind of relationship are you ready for? Are you ready for the relationship that you want? 

After you build your relationship with yourself through honesty, acceptance and love you will always have that.  This is a solid foundation to build a relationship. A relationship with yourself is your foundation NOT with another person. My personal rule is to be able to smile and say good bye if the relationship needs to end at any time.

5. No rush. Once you have done all this personal work you come to a point where maybe you're ready to give a relationship a try.  Ok, great! First, imagine you have created the most intricate cake that is you. It has all your favorite beautiful flavors and designs and you have worked so hard to get it just right and you're holding this precious beautiful cake.....are you gonna hand it off to some fuckwatt daddy that says "hey babe show daddy your juicy panties." the first time he texts you??? We just went over that it's your choice but I fucking hope you don't. I fucking wouldn't.....although to be honest I have done just that in the past.  I have given myself to people who have not earned it. Oops, but it was my choice. Relationships don't always work out the way that we want but we learn.  Maybe you found a guy who might seem like a really good fit...that's great.  You choose, right? So, here we go. This cake that represents you is complex, beautiful, delicious, delicate, and resilient. Ever see folks transfer a wedding cake? That process is careful, slow and full of communication.  Entering a new relationship is like that;  a slow process......please allow that. Let it be slow. Let it be a give and take. Let it be ebb and flow. Let communication be a dance. Take turns. Say how you feel. Listen to their response. Listen to your feelings in your body. Hold space with yourself. Chill out with the sex. Maybe don't chill out with the sex. Meditate. Emotionally regulate. Whatever happens realize that at the end of the day you are choosing all your actions. 

6. After you get good at choosing your actions and being mindful you may want to choose a Dom. (ps, actively searching is ok but don't exhaust yourself. Doms are out there looking for their subs too!). Think of it like a job interview. You have to know what you want and what skills or traits you're looking for. Knowing who you are will be the key to knowing what you want.  Now, time to get good at paying attention and making some judgement calls on behavior.  You want a Dom who has done the same level of work on themselves and in their life and leadership qualities that you have done. You want your Dom to be not the same not lesser and not more than you. The word that describes a good partnership is perhaps complimentary.  Dom's should pay close attention to subs when they are first getting to know each other....subs should pay attention too. Get support and feedback from trusted friends. Remember that no matter what happens with Dom, at the end of the day you still have yourself, you still have self power, you have made your choices and you should foremost be accepting, understanding and happy with those choices. 

A note for Doms. So where is your power? It's in how good you are at Doming; aka mastery. You must do the human work of knowing yourself and accepting all your traits. You must look at yourself in the mirror and choose if you are good enough. You must choose your sub not just because they are needy or willing.....but because they are worthy of what you can do. The sub is able to appreciate you and your ability. The sub must be a good match because you know how you work best. Working a sub is the most intricate, sensitive, and magical thing. Each time is different, each scene is unique and will be hard to impossible to recreate. Your power is in your sensitivity to your sub, your respect of yourself and them, and your ability to make something out of their submission. Dom knows who they are because they want to play with that medium. A sub knows who they are because they want to be played with. Dom's power is in mastery of themselves AND mastery over another.  A sub's power is only in mastery of themselves....in this the Dom will always be more. They are able to set themselves aside and Give to the sub because it takes power to do that. A Dom brings power from within and uses it to give to the sub but they don't give away their power. Depending on the play what the Dom gives to the sub can be called 'an experience'. A Dom chooses the sensation, timing, content, the pace, etc....Dom plays the sub like an instrument. This is the fulfillment of the ability of the Dom. It is their honor and pleasure to have this opportunity because they get filled with their own power of self via the sub giving away their power in the form of consent. 

A note on love:  When the scene play brings the emotional content of both partners together and the Dom is fully able to pour into the sub that which the sub can willingly take and the sub can pour into the Dom that which Dom can willingly take this is called lovemaking. BDSM brings the nonverbal and unrealized content of love making into the verbalized and aware realm and intensifies it through the freewill power exchange of the people involved.

 A note on consent: In the classical view of the biology of humans it traditionally has been men who are seen as able to take by force if they want. There are few species where the female is able to physically deny the male access sexually (check out hyena biology for mind blowing info). Taking sexual favors without consent is rape. Minors cannot consent even if they are physically able to say 'yes' because mentally the law has decided they are unable to consent.  The scientific basis for this law is that a minor child's brain, especially the decision making portions for teens, are still in development.  So, physically minors are unable to give consent. Developmentally, the decision making portions of the brain may still be in development for young adults 18-24. Please be aware of the age, mentality and maturity of any play partners. Remember that adults with intellectual disabilities absolutely have access to the kink world. Camp ground rules are always a good idea: Leave a person better off than when you found them. This helps your sense of humanity; something you should protect in yourself. 

A note on stereotype in DDlg: Most people have a dominant and a submissive side to their personality. At least each person is capable of participating in relationships where they either are in or out of a position of power. Think of having a boss at work, or your mom visiting from out of town, or your kids who won't clean their room.....each person is capable of aspects of Dominance and submission. In BDSM the exchange of power is agreed upon and deliberate. Some folks like to be all of either Dom or sub. Some folks like to switch. Roles in DDlg like Daddy/mommy can be Dom or sub. Roles like little or middle can be Dom or sub. The default setting is Daddy or Mommy Dom little or middle sub.  Default settings (aka stereotypes) are important to acknowledge only in that they usually get in the way of folks being able to be open minded with themselves and others.

A note on aftercare: Duh! cuddling after sex is like....the only option if anyone has managed to get anything correct. Aftercare can/should happen after sexting, phone sex, video sex....Get your shit correct before sex, during sex and after sex. Always. Remember Dom's benefit from aftercare too. Cuddling, talk, laughter, tears discussion....arnica and some ice, lol ....all good aspects of after care. Why am I still talking...thanks for reading this far and thanks to @.คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ for proofreading, feedback and partnership.

Edited May 11 by redruffle41

[.คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

Love it! Glad to have helped you with this! ♡

[littlegala]

This is really great information. Thank you.

[BabyPoppy]

@redruffle41 Thanks for the post --- I do fear that I may never be ready for a Daddy after reading it... I can know who I am and be real about it but finding value in myself is incredibly difficult. Too many years of serving others through trauma, life choices, parenting, and occupational calling/choice.... I do understand the concepts you present, and it does make sense, but it is difficult to find myself when I have been incredibly submissive my entire life. Submission and being little are separate things, but both, together are a powerful duo that takes a special person to accept. I find my value in helping/serving others. I believe it is my strength and part of my character. I need to be told to rest and play, to not overwork myself. The song from Beauty and Beast always pops into my head "Be Our Guest"  "life is so unnerving for a servant who's not serving... he's not whole without a soul to wait upon. ah those good old days when we were useful.  suddenly those good days are gone." 

 

 

I am lost without people to serve... I really don't know who I am without that part of myself... a Daddy would be part of that for me, and failure of dynamics in the past have been because I cannot accept care, even though I both need and want it... So realistically, as much as I know I am little, and I know I am submissive, I have a long way to go before I can be ready for more... if I ever will be... sadly. 

Happy note: friends are amazing! Love them and find great strength in my friendships! You are amazing and worth it! I may be broken, but I'm healing!

 

A note on aftercare..... peoples everywhere.... please learn to get this right!!! Goodness sakes!!!! It matters!!!! It is a deal breaker!!! Those of us who have bad experiences before.... which is just about everyone, do not need to hear.... but I don't like/want/need/have time for/enjoy/or any other line to get you outta it!!!! Bigs, littles, Daddy, Mommy, Caregiver, Doms - Whatever your label.... just do right and take the time to be there!!!! UGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!! 

[.คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

@BabyPoppy

You find your value in helping others, but you fail to see how that's valuable to yourself.

I think you're getting stuck on direct word definitions and not looking at the bigger overall picture.

Serving others isn't just about catering to the whimsy of some dom/big. It certainly can be, but realistically, it's deeper than that. Serving others can also be about helping those around us that are less fortunate. Such as serving warm food to hungry people, or being a teacher.

In this case, you're value is in service of "the greater good." And in my eyes, that's far more valuable than I think you realize. This world would be more of a disaster than it already is, without those like you who serve their community.

Doctors, lawyers, bankers, bakers, delivery drivers... the list of valued servitude goes on. And as a dom, I know there are other doms out there who would flourish in giving you direction on who to serve next in this life. Because a real dominant understands that this life isn't just about them, it's about the greater good.

You know exactly what you're value is, even if you don't realize it.

[BabyPoppy]

9 minutes ago, .คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ said:

@BabyPoppy

You find your value in helping others, but you fail to see how that's valuable to yourself.

I think you're getting stuck on direct word definitions and not looking at the bigger overall picture.

Serving others isn't just about catering to the whimsy of some dom/big. It certainly can be, but realistically, it's deeper than that. Serving others can also be about helping those around us that are less fortunate. Such as serving warm food to hungry people, or being a teacher.

In this case, you're value is in service of "the greater good." And in my eyes, that's far more valuable than I think you realize. This world would be more of a disaster than it already is, without those like you who serve their community.

Doctors, lawyers, bankers, bakers, delivery drivers... the list of valued servitude goes on. And as a dom, I know there are other doms out there who would flourish in giving you direction on who to serve next in this life. Because a real dominant understands that this life isn't just about them, it's about the greater good.

You know exactly what you're value is, even if you don't realize it.

Thank you for your kind words. It is something to dwell upon and challenge my current beliefs of who I am as a person... serving others is at the heart of who I am,  but I often get lost in my service to others. Very well stated. Thank you for your kindness.  

[redruffle41]

5 hours ago, BabyPoppy said:

@redruffle41 Thanks for the post --- I do fear that I may never be ready for a Daddy after reading it... I can know who I am and be real about it but finding value in myself is incredibly difficult. Too many years of serving others through trauma, life choices, parenting, and occupational calling/choice.... I do understand the concepts you present, and it does make sense, but it is difficult to find myself when I have been incredibly submissive my entire life. Submission and being little are separate things, but both, together are a powerful duo that takes a special person to accept. I find my value in helping/serving others. I believe it is my strength and part of my character. I need to be told to rest and play, to not overwork myself. The song from Beauty and Beast always pops into my head "Be Our Guest"  "life is so unnerving for a servant who's not serving... he's not whole without a soul to wait upon. ah those good old days when we were useful.  suddenly those good days are gone." 

 

 

I am lost without people to serve... I really don't know who I am without that part of myself... a Daddy would be part of that for me, and failure of dynamics in the past have been because I cannot accept care, even though I both need and want it... So realistically, as much as I know I am little, and I know I am submissive, I have a long way to go before I can be ready for more... if I ever will be... sadly. 

Happy note: friends are amazing! Love them and find great strength in my friendships! You are amazing and worth it! I may be broken, but I'm healing!

 

A note on aftercare..... peoples everywhere.... please learn to get this right!!! Goodness sakes!!!! It matters!!!! It is a deal breaker!!! Those of us who have bad experiences before.... which is just about everyone, do not need to hear.... but I don't like/want/need/have time for/enjoy/or any other line to get you outta it!!!! Bigs, littles, Daddy, Mommy, Caregiver, Doms - Whatever your label.... just do right and take the time to be there!!!! UGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!! 

Hey Lady face 💕 💕 💕 💕 

There's a lot there and I love that you shared it and I have heard it a lot from you before and I want you to hear this:  I accept all of you exactly how you are. You aren't broken and you can have all that you want if you want it.  Nothing that you state as an aspect of yourself is inherently wrong. There is not such thing as wrong when you get into the deep end of life (barring murder??) If you like to be in-service to others than do it. I actually have the exact same value. But I do it cuz I choose. Cuz I enjoy. I hear u say you don't know who you are without serving others . Then this I know about you. You are a person who finds herself within the chosen act of being valuable to others. This is who you are. At least right now. And I ask you. Do you love it? Do you love that about yourself? (I think I know what you're gonna say)

[redruffle41]

Further.....all u need to do is know who you are and how you works and then find a daddy who is worth explaining those instructions to and then working with him. You can TOTALLY ACCEPT CARE. but your not stupid. You have been hurt before. And no man has ever been the caliber of person you have needed. And you probably are like me and do a fair amount of pushing away. Keep learning. Keep growing!!! A friend told me recently......Keep your chin up!