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Posted

Hey all, I'm open to feedback on this one ...

 

So my mother has been married to a Christian man for over 20 years. This man has been.......a very typically flawed human being but basically a good man. However,  this man has also been very divisive in our family. He has told all of us we are going to hell. He recently told me I'm committing adultery bc I'm talking to men online but my divorce isn't final. He even went on to say that he didn't divorce his ex wife but that she divorced him.... As if to judge the very idea of divorce. He's Lutheran.... divorce isn't a sacrament in that faith.  This guy 🙄.  He is a fundamental Christian man who takes the Bible literally.  He rolls in his politics and interpretation of the constitution into his religion as well.  His attitude seems to be a bit holier than thou and ready to debate and argue at any turn....and it seems to be at the mercy of any relationship he would hope to have with his wife's adult children.  The past 10 years of politics, masking, vaccines, aging, etc has basically turned our family into a silent tomb of unspoken disagreements.  I'm getting tired of going to family gatherings and silently eating cheese together....there's nothing to do, say or connect about. 

I recently told my mother that I was concerned about my 9yo daughter being around her grandfather. I did this because of a conversation between him and I where he told me I was committing adultery.  I had to defend myself against this man. And I had called him to say thank you for being a step father. Honestly, what a jerk.  I'm concerned about my kids relationship with God being affected by his judgemental attitude, and willingness to weaponize the Bible.  I told my mother all this very calmly and with as gentle words as I could.  I was as tactful as I could be. My mom wanted to take my daughter on an extended trip and I just couldn't feel comfortable with that. I view this man as unsafe emotionally, unsafe relationally.  How can I have my daughter engaged in a relationship with someone who I can barely speak with?  My mom said she was sad. She would hate for my daughter to not have a relationship with her grandparents. But....I'm so sick of getting hurt by harmful judgemental people. My own grandfather told me I was going to hell...I was 12. So, I don't want this same horrible exposure for my child. 

 

I'm really stuck on this one.....I feel pulled between the idea of disagreements as a normal healthy dynamic in a relationship vs toxic arguing vs conflict avoidance on my part due to past hurts. I think I'm doing what I need to do to protect my child.....I don't expect this to change either my mother or her husband.....they're set in their ways and have said they have no intention of changing .... Navigating this is hard.....it feels like a lose lose no matter what.

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Posted

Well I don’t know maybe it’s time to stop going to family gatherings for a while . People who judge by the Bible typically only follow half the Bible and ignore many other part’s and many times cause more harm than what they believe. But I would stay away for a while 

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  • 3 weeks later...
Posted
On 6/11/2025 at 9:19 AM, redruffle41 said:

Hey all, I'm open to feedback on this one ...

 

So my mother has been married to a Christian man for over 20 years. This man has been.......a very typically flawed human being but basically a good man. However,  this man has also been very divisive in our family. He has told all of us we are going to hell. He recently told me I'm committing adultery bc I'm talking to men online but my divorce isn't final. He even went on to say that he didn't divorce his ex wife but that she divorced him.... As if to judge the very idea of divorce. He's Lutheran.... divorce isn't a sacrament in that faith.  This guy 🙄.  He is a fundamental Christian man who takes the Bible literally.  He rolls in his politics and interpretation of the constitution into his religion as well.  His attitude seems to be a bit holier than thou and ready to debate and argue at any turn....and it seems to be at the mercy of any relationship he would hope to have with his wife's adult children.  The past 10 years of politics, masking, vaccines, aging, etc has basically turned our family into a silent tomb of unspoken disagreements.  I'm getting tired of going to family gatherings and silently eating cheese together....there's nothing to do, say or connect about. 

I recently told my mother that I was concerned about my 9yo daughter being around her grandfather. I did this because of a conversation between him and I where he told me I was committing adultery.  I had to defend myself against this man. And I had called him to say thank you for being a step father. Honestly, what a jerk.  I'm concerned about my kids relationship with God being affected by his judgemental attitude, and willingness to weaponize the Bible.  I told my mother all this very calmly and with as gentle words as I could.  I was as tactful as I could be. My mom wanted to take my daughter on an extended trip and I just couldn't feel comfortable with that. I view this man as unsafe emotionally, unsafe relationally.  How can I have my daughter engaged in a relationship with someone who I can barely speak with?  My mom said she was sad. She would hate for my daughter to not have a relationship with her grandparents. But....I'm so sick of getting hurt by harmful judgemental people. My own grandfather told me I was going to hell...I was 12. So, I don't want this same horrible exposure for my child. 

 

I'm really stuck on this one.....I feel pulled between the idea of disagreements as a normal healthy dynamic in a relationship vs toxic arguing vs conflict avoidance on my part due to past hurts. I think I'm doing what I need to do to protect my child.....I don't expect this to change either my mother or her husband.....they're set in their ways and have said they have no intention of changing .... Navigating this is hard.....it feels like a lose lose no matter what.

This is a really tough place to be in, especially with family. So much of what you said is familiar to me, so I have a lot to say, but Bean really captured it well. 

On 6/11/2025 at 12:37 PM, beanbean said:

Well I don’t know maybe it’s time to stop going to family gatherings for a while . People who judge by the Bible typically only follow half the Bible and ignore many other part’s and many times cause more harm than what they believe. But I would stay away for a while 

I know it is a funny slogan now, but think about the Gospels... think about how Jesus lived. Who did he talk to, spend time with, visit? He was not with the religious zealots! He actually criticized them and told them they would not get into heaven! Jesus brought the message of grace, peace, forgiveness,  and most of all love. Not the wishy-washy kinda love where I love everyone and they all love me... but the deep, lasting, sacrificial love one has to live life with someone else. To be present in good times and bad, to listen without speaking and let others work through their struggles at their own pace... remember we all have junk in our lives to work on... don't focus on the speck of dirt in your neighbor's eye, when you have a plank of wood in your own! 

As for your divorce... there are Biblical reasons for divorce. I left for abuse reason, that's Biblical... it's justifiable to the Christian extremists... however,  what I believe in my heart is, God knows me, better than anyone else. He created me, He walks with me through my life, and He sent me a Savior, Jesus. Every SIN was forgiven before I committed them! ❤️🥰 I am pure, blameless in the sight of God, not because of who I am, or what I have done, but because of who God is and what Jesus has done for me. If that is something you believe too, then how can your divorce be held over your head? God forgave you for it! He said I love you dear child! 

I agree you are a good Mom and a that walking away from your family, even though it is difficult, may be a good thing for a bit. I am here if you need to chat. I am on a break from my family for similar reasons and I live in a fundamentalist county, so I understand this issue well. Focus on grace, love and mercy. 

Love you, my friend,

Poppy

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Posted

Thanks Pops

That was a really thoughtful response. I appreciate it 

 

Em

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Posted
2 hours ago, redruffle41 said:

Thanks Pops

That was a really thoughtful response. I appreciate it 

 

Em

I'm really sorry you're struggling with this! 💔 It's so tough when family gets distant, but I have really learned that family is about the people you love and who love you,  so it can look really different all the time. If you need a friend who's like family,  I'm here for you! 

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