BabyPoppy Posted July 6 Report Posted July 6 As a pretty serious Christian, most of the time, I really wrestle with my choices and beliefs. I wonder if others do, too. One of my biggest struggles currently is how my adult choices led me to being a single mom twice, once from sexual assault and once from domestic violence resulting in divorce, and seeking primarily sexual relationships when my truest desire is for a long-term, safe, commited relationship focused on mutual love for God and each other. Sundays are wonderful! I have an opportunity to worship with other believers in church. We sing praises hear a scripture based message and have time for community building. However, I also see others who are couples, families, single young adults, or widows. Not middle aged single moms struggling to juggle too many commitments plus raising kids! I am alone at church. Not that anyone tries to exclude me, but it's how I am accepted differently, that excludes me. I join for the family activities, but don't have a husband to represent me on the elder/deacon board, so we get forgotten sometimes. I am encouraged to serve in women and children's ministries, but if I do, I miss the announcements about things happening at church coz there's no one there to hear them for me... my conversations are cut short coz I need to parent, while my friends have a spouse to do that for them. We do not get invited for meals coz who would the husband talk to... I don't fit with the singles either anymore coz I could be their parent, now too and I should be mentoring them, not hanging out with them. Or the widows coz I still have a child at home. There's a few single men in my age group and a single dad, but if I talk to them at all... I'm a temptress... best to just keep my distance... I leave church feeling empty and lonely instead of uplifted and whole like I used to. It drives me to more unhealthy coping behaviors, which in turn, drives my shame and guilty higher and separates me from my loving God, and the forgiveness I know to be true in Jesus. I stay up late on Sundays trying to reconcile this pain within myself. Who am I to be so lost, so broken, so deeply wounded, so full of hurt? The lack of sleep sets me up for failure for the week, making me grumpy and grouchy and a poor example of the beautiful love bestowed upon me from my Savior. Why can there not be a simple solution? Why can I not just forgive myself? Why do I hang on to this shame, this false guilt, this burden of past sins that are already forgiven? Who am I in this crazy messed up world? The truth? Truth is found in scripture: I am a daughter of the Most High King, Adopted with Christ. My sins are washed away, I am made pure in the eyes of God Almighty! My thoughts, feelings and actions are not true, they represent the lies I believe about myself, not the truth from God. Focus on The Word of Truth and I will be set free! It is so difficult to believe I am free. So hard to accept that I am worthy. I am loved. I am beautiful. I am free of my sins. I am forgiven. Just needed to rant... I apologize if it's too much. Poppy
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