Late night ramblings / random questions / maybe I just need therapy?!

[Lil_K47]

OK, y’all bear with me as I try to even figure out where I wanna start with this.
 

so I am most definitely a night owl. I am one of the few people I know whose brain just doesn’t shut off, I have too many thoughts and emotions rolling around in my head , I just can’t relax enough to go to sleep some nights, so after all of my friends have gone to bed, there I am still up with too much time to myself to think.

 

I’m not quite sure what my issue was this evening?  more than likely, I’m just extra emotional right now because it’s not a great time of the month ( if you get my meaning lol)

 

The evening started off with me dropping a few things and just kinda spiraled from there. I just really wanted to cry all night. Kind of thought I’d gotten that under control but then there I was left alone with my own thoughts and things that were making me sad started making me mad!

 

Like mad at the whole freaking universe mad, because the one person that I wanna talk to right now more than anybody else in the whole entire world is no longer in this world! And well, she hasn’t been for a really long time. So I’m talking about my mom here who was killed in a car accident when I was 22. 

I’m 47 now so one would think that this wouldn’t still be so raw, but some days it just still is! especially when I have sad things , exciting things, that I want to share.  my mom was the one person that I could always call and she loved me for me no matter what. I mean, obviously that’s what a  parent does, but she was my person! Don’t get me wrong my dad is great!. But he was more the provider of the family. He paid the bills, he put food on the table , He didn’t deal with the emotional stuff. That was all mom 150%!  I’m not saying we never hugged. We just didn’t hug a lot! but tonight, I was just craving a hug from my mom something awful! Her hugs made everything better!  I haven’t had a make everything better hug since she’s been gone. 

the more frustrated I became this evening as things just weren’t going how I wanted them to, I found myself literally just getting so ticked I was throwing stuff across the room. 
 

The thought popped in my head that I just wanted to throw one riproaring hellacious temper tantrum! Like I literally wanted to go upstairs, throw myself on the floor and just start pounding on it with my hands and feet!

 

So I mean, yeah this is normal behavior for an actual three or four year-old. I have seen kids flop to the floor and start dramatically beating on it. so I guess,  I don’t know?  my question is is this normal behavior for an adult little to just wanna throw a temper tantrum because you’re sad/mad??

Like should I have just let myself roll with it, would I have felt better or just plain stupid??

 

I just really felt like I needed some sort of emotional outlet and the crying just wasn’t doing it for me tonight. I mean, I’m a firm believer in letting your emotions out, if you need to cry, well  just cry and let it all out. You’ll usually feel better! but tonight the crying just wasn’t enough to make me feel better at all. It was making me feel worse. Does that even make any sense?
 

In general, I don’t actually have little time, because honestly, I have a childlike enthusiasm and excitement for just about everything I do. it’s just part of my ingrain personality! I’ve accepted the fact long ago that I’m a bit of an odd duck and most  days I own it and rock that shit!  
 

but I don’t know, I’m just feeling off today…, like  am I just too weird? 🤷🏻‍♀️
 

 

 

 

[dorkydaddydom]

I don't wanna address the little side questions you've asked because I think there's a more important issue than "is this normal for adult littles".

Griefing is perfectly fine, I'm 40 and still grief the loss of my grandparents too, so don't beat yourself up over it. It sounds like you never got the chance to really process the loss of your mum or you didn't allow yourself to do so though. But it's important to find closure. That doesn't mean you forget her, it only means you learn to cope with it. You can still talk to her too. I don't mean this in a spiritual or religious way, but in a very hands on way. Tell her about the sad and exciting things, write her a journal, things like that. It might help you. 

As for not sleeping because your mind won't shut off, that's an issue too. Sleep is essential for both mental and physical health. I know the "brain won't shut up" feeling all too well. What helped me was therapy and ultimately meds.

I'm no therapist or psychiatrist those are just my two cents from having lived and dealt with depression and grief for years. Please do consider seeing a therapist but be prepared for having to check out several until you find one you're 100% comfortable with. That's very important!!

Edited Wednesday at 12:25 PM by dorkydaddydom

[MissAnna]

That does sound like a off day, but that's okay because on my off days I lean on people who mean so much to me. 

As for throwing a temper tampering girl you're like what the age of like seven throw yourself on the floor and just cry and scream it out. 

That's what Littles do that's how they express themselves. Remember you are a little and are allowed to have tantrums.

You are allowed to grieve your mama, does it matter if it's been 5 minutes, 5 months,  5 years or 50 years. 

It's still going to hurt and you're still going to miss her, so what you're feeling is very raw and very real.

My heart breaks for everyone on here that has lost a parent, I couldn't imagine the pain you all were going through. Losing my brother was hard, the losing a parent can make you lose your identity and who you are. That's why you have to surround yourself with people you love, who can show you who you still are. That way you're not lost in your own thoughts that you can't escape. 

As for the night sleeping part when your mind isn't start shutting down you can journal that's really good, you can draw, and you can meditate. It is important that you sleep,  sleep helps reset your mind and also keeps your chemicals and hormones balanced. 

And I get it I'm at that age where it's hard to sleep through the night sometimes, and that's why I have trustee Good meds lol 

Therapy can be beneficial, I'm in therapy now  so don't feel bad you get to talk about all your problems and they have to listen to you. That's the great thing about therapy lol

But seriously Surround yourself with people who matter to you.  Here we are a huge community that relies on one another and will always help anyone out.  And I promise you, this community will back you up all the time. 

I'm here if you ever need to talk, my door is always open and I will listen. 

Keep your chin up, don't let your crown slip off your head and keep be the amazing princess that you are. 

Until we meet again remember you matter, you are loved and you are worthy of being loved 💝 

[beanbean]

3 hours ago, Lil_K47 said:

OK, y’all bear with me as I try to even figure out where I wanna start with this.
 

so I am most definitely a night owl. I am one of the few people I know whose brain just doesn’t shut off, I have too many thoughts and emotions rolling around in my head , I just can’t relax enough to go to sleep some nights, so after all of my friends have gone to bed, there I am still up with too much time to myself to think.

 

I’m not quite sure what my issue was this evening?  more than likely, I’m just extra emotional right now because it’s not a great time of the month ( if you get my meaning lol)

 

The evening started off with me dropping a few things and just kinda spiraled from there. I just really wanted to cry all night. Kind of thought I’d gotten that under control but then there I was left alone with my own thoughts and things that were making me sad started making me mad!

 

Like mad at the whole freaking universe mad, because the one person that I wanna talk to right now more than anybody else in the whole entire world is no longer in this world! And well, she hasn’t been for a really long time. So I’m talking about my mom here who was killed in a car accident when I was 22. 

I’m 47 now so one would think that this wouldn’t still be so raw, but some days it just still is! especially when I have sad things , exciting things, that I want to share.  my mom was the one person that I could always call and she loved me for me no matter what. I mean, obviously that’s what a  parent does, but she was my person! Don’t get me wrong my dad is great!. But he was more the provider of the family. He paid the bills, he put food on the table , He didn’t deal with the emotional stuff. That was all mom 150%!  I’m not saying we never hugged. We just didn’t hug a lot! but tonight, I was just craving a hug from my mom something awful! Her hugs made everything better!  I haven’t had a make everything better hug since she’s been gone. 

the more frustrated I became this evening as things just weren’t going how I wanted them to, I found myself literally just getting so ticked I was throwing stuff across the room. 
 

The thought popped in my head that I just wanted to throw one riproaring hellacious temper tantrum! Like I literally wanted to go upstairs, throw myself on the floor and just start pounding on it with my hands and feet!

 

So I mean, yeah this is normal behavior for an actual three or four year-old. I have seen kids flop to the floor and start dramatically beating on it. so I guess,  I don’t know?  my question is is this normal behavior for an adult little to just wanna throw a temper tantrum because you’re sad/mad??

Like should I have just let myself roll with it, would I have felt better or just plain stupid??

 

I just really felt like I needed some sort of emotional outlet and the crying just wasn’t doing it for me tonight. I mean, I’m a firm believer in letting your emotions out, if you need to cry, well  just cry and let it all out. You’ll usually feel better! but tonight the crying just wasn’t enough to make me feel better at all. It was making me feel worse. Does that even make any sense?
 

In general, I don’t actually have little time, because honestly, I have a childlike enthusiasm and excitement for just about everything I do. it’s just part of my ingrain personality! I’ve accepted the fact long ago that I’m a bit of an odd duck and most  days I own it and rock that shit!  
 

but I don’t know, I’m just feeling off today…, like  am I just too weird? 🤷🏻‍♀️
 

 

 

 

I mean a lot of what you said I think it’s normal after a rough day lots of things conspired at once it sounds like ! I am of the opinion that go tantrum every once in a while can be healthy for the mind

[BabyPoppy]

So i agree with so much of what had been said... Amen to therapy! So important! And meds! I'll add that in our 40s our hormones change and our sleep changes and it does get harder to rest our bodies and minds, but no less important... talking to our medical providers helps us regulate all that so we can rest better..

I color and use littlespace to help my body relax and process big emotions... yes sometimes tantrums, which at first was kinda scary for me, but it gets easier to accept about myself eventually.  I always think as long as I tantrum with people who are safe and consent to my behavior, it is ok. Otherwise I journal, cry in my bed, or take super long, hot showers to deal with it... 🤷‍♀️

I know being little is a lot, but it takes time to learn who you are in littlespace and how that plays out in the rest of your life, too. 

You are a fantastic person ❤️ We all have moments where our emotions explode, but it's ok feel those feelings and still be ok. 

 

[Lil_K47]

7 hours ago, dorkydaddydom said:

I don't wanna address the little side questions you've asked because I think there's a more important issue than "is this normal for adult littles".

Griefing is perfectly fine, I'm 40 and still grief the loss of my grandparents too, so don't beat yourself up over it. It sounds like you never got the chance to really process the loss of your mum or you didn't allow yourself to do so though. But it's important to find closure. That doesn't mean you forget her, it only means you learn to cope with it. You can still talk to her too. I don't mean this in a spiritual or religious way, but in a very hands on way. Tell her about the sad and exciting things, write her a journal, things like that. It might help you. 

As for not sleeping because your mind won't shut off, that's an issue too. Sleep is essential for both mental and physical health. I know the "brain won't shut up" feeling all too well. What helped me was therapy and ultimately meds.

I'm no therapist or psychiatrist those are just my two cents from having lived and dealt with depression and grief for years. Please do consider seeing a therapist but be prepared for having to check out several until you find one you're 100% comfortable with. That's very important!!

Thank you! I actually on medication lol Wellbutrin and Zoloft, but I’ve missed a couple of doses this week, maybe more than a couple 🤦‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️. So sorry for the midnight crazy!

[Lil_K47]

5 hours ago, MissAnna said:

That does sound like a off day, but that's okay because on my off days I lean on people who mean so much to me. 

As for throwing a temper tampering girl you're like what the age of like seven throw yourself on the floor and just cry and scream it out. 

That's what Littles do that's how they express themselves. Remember you are a little and are allowed to have tantrums.

You are allowed to grieve your mama, does it matter if it's been 5 minutes, 5 months,  5 years or 50 years. 

It's still going to hurt and you're still going to miss her, so what you're feeling is very raw and very real.

My heart breaks for everyone on here that has lost a parent, I couldn't imagine the pain you all were going through. Losing my brother was hard, the losing a parent can make you lose your identity and who you are. That's why you have to surround yourself with people you love, who can show you who you still are. That way you're not lost in your own thoughts that you can't escape. 

As for the night sleeping part when your mind isn't start shutting down you can journal that's really good, you can draw, and you can meditate. It is important that you sleep,  sleep helps reset your mind and also keeps your chemicals and hormones balanced. 

And I get it I'm at that age where it's hard to sleep through the night sometimes, and that's why I have trustee Good meds lol 

Therapy can be beneficial, I'm in therapy now  so don't feel bad you get to talk about all your problems and they have to listen to you. That's the great thing about therapy lol

But seriously Surround yourself with people who matter to you.  Here we are a huge community that relies on one another and will always help anyone out.  And I promise you, this community will back you up all the time. 

I'm here if you ever need to talk, my door is always open and I will listen. 

Keep your chin up, don't let your crown slip off your head and keep be the amazing princess that you are. 

Until we meet again remember you matter, you are loved and you are worthy of being loved 💝 

Thank you so very much my friend!  talking to you always makes me feel better! Thank you for being so supportive and understanding my crazy! 

[Lil_K47]

4 hours ago, beanbean said:

I mean a lot of what you said I think it’s normal after a rough day lots of things conspired at once it sounds like ! I am of the opinion that go tantrum every once in a while can be healthy for the mind

Thanks!! I think ima Roll with it if I ever feel like this again and see if it makes me feel any better. I’m gonna be like..  if you see me throwing a tantrum temper tantrum mind ya business I’m having a moment! 😉🤣🤣

[Lil_K47]

4 hours ago, BabyPoppy said:

So i agree with so much of what had been said... Amen to therapy! So important! And meds! I'll add that in our 40s our hormones change and our sleep changes and it does get harder to rest our bodies and minds, but no less important... talking to our medical providers helps us regulate all that so we can rest better..

I color and use littlespace to help my body relax and process big emotions... yes sometimes tantrums, which at first was kinda scary for me, but it gets easier to accept about myself eventually.  I always think as long as I tantrum with people who are safe and consent to my behavior, it is ok. Otherwise I journal, cry in my bed, or take super long, hot showers to deal with it... 🤷‍♀️

I know being little is a lot, but it takes time to learn who you are in littlespace and how that plays out in the rest of your life, too. 

You are a fantastic person ❤️ We all have moments where our emotions explode, but it's ok feel those feelings and still be ok. 

 

Thank you so very much!  that actually makes me feel a whole lot better knowing that the temper tantrum thing isn’t way far out there!! 
 

My job has a program where you can get a few free therapy sessions and I have done that in the past. I have had some issues with a former roommate who was an alcoholic and so I used the service to talk my feelings out about that. I guess maybe it wouldn’t hurt to look back into that but in my area it is so hard to get in with the good psychiatrist here, but I guess that would totally be worth the wait to have someone impartial to talk things out with!

 

but where I work in the medical profession and I am Monday through Friday. It is so hard to coordinate appointments when they are offered the same time you’re working!! And I know that’s probably a sucky excuse. It’s just I hate to leave work and put people in a bind because we are always working short staffed anymore.

anyway, thank you so much for your support. It means the world to me! 🥰

[beanbean]

6 hours ago, Lil_K47 said:

Thanks!! I think ima Roll with it if I ever feel like this again and see if it makes me feel any better. I’m gonna be like..  if you see me throwing a tantrum temper tantrum mind ya business I’m having a moment! 😉🤣🤣

That’s what I would do

[BabyPoppy]

10 hours ago, Lil_K47 said:

Thank you so very much!  that actually makes me feel a whole lot better knowing that the temper tantrum thing isn’t way far out there!! 
 

My job has a program where you can get a few free therapy sessions and I have done that in the past. I have had some issues with a former roommate who was an alcoholic and so I used the service to talk my feelings out about that. I guess maybe it wouldn’t hurt to look back into that but in my area it is so hard to get in with the good psychiatrist here, but I guess that would totally be worth the wait to have someone impartial to talk things out with!

 

but where I work in the medical profession and I am Monday through Friday. It is so hard to coordinate appointments when they are offered the same time you’re working!! And I know that’s probably a sucky excuse. It’s just I hate to leave work and put people in a bind because we are always working short staffed anymore.

anyway, thank you so much for your support. It means the world to me! 🥰

Oh I hear you on that! 💯 I teach 4 year old kids and half my classroom has some sort of special needs, behavioral needs or language learner/language delay... it's so difficult to say... "oh by the way I'm taking next week Thursday afternoon off early  coz I gotta get me some therapy so I don't lose it on y'all... "  but I keep learning that the best way I can really show up for my students, co-workers and loved ones is by doing the work  in therapy...I schedule appointments late in the day so I can just rest afterwards... they exhaust me... I hate being sensitive around people, so I plan quiet time to recover after therapy... in my mind, this allows me to give 100% to others by getting the help I need. 

I also understand how hard it can be to find a good therapist. Keep trying  Remember it's not just the degree the therapist has,  it's also how you connect with the therapist... I've had many therapists,  with all kinds of letters after their names. Some of the most growth experiences I had were with therapists who had minimal training but a lot of life experience.  It's about how they listen and how they can help you grow. 

You are already taking the first steps by asking these questions,  taking meds and admitting you need more help. Keep going and you'll get there!