Sub scared to be vulnerable and feels entitled.

[mello-ii]

(context: During a past, long distance relationship.) 

Everything is peaches and cream when I’m happy. It all goes downhill when I’m not.

I generally do not know how to handle my emotions properly and not getting my way with things I'm invested in.

I’m a sub that becomes quiet and closed off when I’m angry or upset. Usually it’s due to not knowing how to respond, feeling like it’s weak to admit I’m upset, or out of spite if I feel someone has hurt me. This makes communication difficult, even when I know I should talk and communicate what’s wrong. 

—

I’m generally a very private person, am scared to be vulnerable in many cases, and I like to get what I want as well.

These all result in the above and me struggling to follow rules how I should be, even when I want to. This happens even if it directly contradicts what I previously wanted. It also results in most likely any other problems you could think of that would arise from all of those things.

Ex. - I tell my cg that I want a bedtime and that I want him to be stricter with me. 

     - I miss him and want to stay up to talk with him. He tells me it’s my bedtime.

     - I get upset with him because I don’t get what I want. 

(This is a sentimental reason, which it tends to be, but it could also be because I just don’t want to sleep or for things not related to bedtimes.)

—

I know these are all bad traits and I have been working on them for a couple of years now. I try to always keep these things in mind, but it feels like almost all logic disappears whenever I get upset or tunnel vision on getting something. 

My practice pays off in that within the next 3-15 minutes, I do end up communicating how I should. But it had upset my cg in that I don’t just do that immediately and he’s right for feeling that way.  

Does anyone have solutions or advice with how to help with this unhealthy behavior? Please do not be mean with answers; I already judge myself enough as it is and do not like me either haha.

Thank you very much.

Edited July 18 by mello-ii

[MissNMTX]

First off, it's not all your fault. No reason not to like yourself. Give yourself some credit for being self aware and a work in progress.

I'm curious, and you don't have to answer this if you're not comfortable, but the first thing that came to my mind. Did you grow up in an environment where you were allowed to express emotions or even taught anything about them? Sometimes, those of us who end up having to parent our parents often keep our feelings to ourselves as there was never another space for them. 

It sounds to me like you are learning and you are trying. The best I can do is say be honest upfront so that your CG knows this is a hard area for you and the two of you can work together. Also, don't be afraid to fight. Sometimes fighting is good, it clears the air and gets everything out into the open.

[BabyPoppy]

@mello-ii 

I struggle with the same thing, but understand it differently... I'm great when everything is peaceful or happy, but when stress hits, or I feel anxious,  scared, angry, sad, or like i dud something wrong, I really don't know what to do with myself and my feelings. I become easily overwhelmed and need extra support, attention and guidance, even more so when I'm in littlespace. 

As a grown-up,  or maybe better said in big head space, I have learned coping skills to stop myself from overreacting. I  step away from the situation,  breath or other specific strategies,  journal and then deal with my feelings in an appropriate manner, or visit with my therapist or mentor about the situation.

However, in littlespace,  all reason seems to go out the window and I am completely unable to regulate myself without help. I have even gotten stuck in littlespace (which really messes with my head for weeks afterward). 

As @MissNMTX said, I did come from  an abusive home and had to parent my parents, raise my siblings, deal with my own trauma. My first experience with mental health providers when I was 19, had me learning to name emotions, a skill we teach to 3 and 4 year old children. My little is about that age and struggles a lot because of regression.  It's not willful, not something I do intentionally in littlespace.  It's something that happens when I have big feelings. 

A past partner shared,  "you are the most independent,  yet emotionally needy person I have ever met. You feel every feeling all at once and just don't know which one to express, so you look for someone else to figure it out for you." Just a note... he wasn't a daddy or a dom... it didn't last... but it was a pretty good impression of my emotions in littlespace.  

It takes time. Talk to your Caregiver when you're not emotional, so you have a plan. One of my Caregivers had me Journal my feelings instead of share them verbally... it gave me time to process my feelings without so many explosions. I did not have to share the Journal with my Caregiver, but I did have to prove I was journaling... just a note... you can't get outta it either. Plus Journaling helps your body relax. 

 

[MissNMTX]

Journaling is soo good. For processing busy busy brains, and private shy thoughts also.

[mello-ii]

2 hours ago, MissNMTX said:

First off, it's not all your fault. No reason not to like yourself. Give yourself some credit for being self aware and a work in progress.

I'm curious, and you don't have to answer this if you're not comfortable, but the first thing that came to my mind. Did you grow up in an environment where you were allowed to express emotions or even taught anything about them? Sometimes, those of us who end up having to parent our parents often keep our feelings to ourselves as there was never another space for them. 

It sounds to me like you are learning and you are trying. The best I can do is say be honest upfront so that your CG knows this is a hard area for you and the two of you can work together. Also, don't be afraid to fight. Sometimes fighting is good, it clears the air and gets everything out into the open.

Hi@MissNMTX , thank you so much for your kind and understanding answer firstly : )

I wasn't really taught anything about how to communicate, deal with my emotions, and really anything else. This was on top of the generally unhealthy environment I was in.

The advice I did get was later on at the end of my teenage years, but that's a little too late and is basically now where I currently am. My parents are nice people that love me, but they never really told me anything and I'm learning everything now haha. They also tended to minimize how I felt, so I never really felt comfortable opening up to others. Other than my grandma sometimes and cg, which was such a relief.

To the other part of your answer, we did have arguments. I found it was very small things in my opinion which happened maybe once every one or two weeks. I think he actually did not want any arguments and thought they were too frequent to the point he felt I did not really love him or appreciate him, but that wasn't the case.

I actually want to get back together with my past cg, but I want to better myself for both myself and him first which is why I'm making this post.

Edited July 19 by mello-ii

[mello-ii]

@BabyPoppy Hi, thank you so much for your in-depth answer! It makes me happy and relived to let me know there are other people that feel similar.

I will start looking into better coping mechanisms because right now, they are all incredibly unhealthy haha. I'm very sorry you're also struggling with this in your own way, I know how bad it can feel. 

And that's really good advice as well to talk to my cg when I'm not emotional. I noticed now that I think about it that most of the times I do talk to them about these things, it's at the same time or right after an argument.

[BabyPoppy]

3 minutes ago, mello-ii said:

@BabyPoppy Hi, thank you so much for your in-depth answer! It makes me happy and relived to let me know there are other people that feel similar.

I will start looking into better coping mechanisms because right now, they are all incredibly unhealthy haha. I'm very sorry you're also struggling with this in your own way, I know how bad it can feel. 

And that's really good advice as well to talk to my cg when I'm not emotional. I noticed now that I think about it that most of the times I do talk to them about these things, it's at the same time or right after an argument.

We are in this together! If you find things that work, please share! I sent you a follow!

[MissNMTX]

I do understand having a CG that wants to avoid arguments. I've run across that myself lately. I must be rare in thinking talking things through so that each person understands where the other is coming from is a good thing. To me that's the only way to find common ground and create a dynamic that works for BOTH people. I don't mind communication....to me it shows care, but I do understand some feel differently.

I'm wondering if there's a way to handle those emotions without involving your CG? Assuming they aren't the reason for your feelings... that seems to be my more common issue.

Journaling has already been mentioned. (I love it) But there's also art or something crafty, baking, exercise maybe? Do you have a pet?

Also, I was thinking most s types do enjoy getting their way. I fancy myself a princess, others would call themselves brats. If you really do feel unhealthy, my best advice still is, always is to communicate and be as up front as you can. Also, any healthy activities to get out of your own head for a bit.

Good luck and be gentle with yourself.

[BabyPoppy]

50 minutes ago, MissNMTX said:

I do understand having a CG that wants to avoid arguments. I've run across that myself lately. I must be rare in thinking talking things through so that each person understands where the other is coming from is a good thing. To me that's the only way to find common ground and create a dynamic that works for BOTH people. I don't mind communication....to me it shows care, but I do understand some feel differently.

I'm wondering if there's a way to handle those emotions without involving your CG? Assuming they aren't the reason for your feelings... that seems to be my more common issue.

Journaling has already been mentioned. (I love it) But there's also art or something crafty, baking, exercise maybe? Do you have a pet?

Also, I was thinking most s types do enjoy getting their way. I fancy myself a princess, others would call themselves brats. If you really do feel unhealthy, my best advice still is, always is to communicate and be as up front as you can. Also, any healthy activities to get out of your own head for a bit.

Good luck and be gentle with yourself.

I love art or crafting as ways to process emotions, and journaling can be drawing and sketching your feelings, too! 

I did find exercise beneficial too...🤫🤫 just don't tell any future cg types lol... I actually enjoy riding a recumbent bike after work to relax my body and flip from stressful boss lady to fun mom or silly little... there's science too... something about endorphins and dopamine and serotonin and cortisol .... big words for grown-ups, not a little brain on a Friday night...🤭

You're so right! Anything you can do to communicate and work things through is so important! I tend to run from arguments due to how I was raised, but I keep working on it.

One strategy that has helped me too, is to take a scheduled amount of time apart to calm tempers then come back together to discuss the problem. This could be 1 hour or 1 day, but not too long and not an abstract... I'll think about it... that feeds the insecurities in your head. During the time apart pick something to help you process: 

1 - journal your feelings

2 - write a list of what happened before, during, after the big feelings

3 - Use I statements... I feel sad because I broke a toy..... I need a hug/comfort for the loss of my toy.... I want you to use kind words and be patient with me when I am crying. 

I feel lonely because I only spent 10 minutes with you today.... I need more than 10 minutes of time one-to-one with you in a day..... I want to stay up 15 extra minutes on days when we have less time together.  

4 - do something to calm down and reset your body physically...  go for a walk, do yoga, take a hot shower, have a a warm caffeine free drink, put a cool cloth on your head, drink cold water, use a straw to drink water, read some jokes, hug a stuffy.. 

I actually eat strong peppermint candies... Altoids...the cinnamon ones... I carry them at all times... this helps me stay in the moment with communication.  If I feel overwhelmed,  attacked, scared, or misunderstood I checkout mentally and don't even remember the conversation... not good in grown-up life or littlespace... 

When calmer heads prevail...discuss... the word argument is scary for me, so I discuss things. It's the same thing, just in a word that doesn't trigger my brain to a fear response. 

Please hear this last point @mello-ii relationships, all relationships are hard, both in grown-up spaces and in littlespace.  Give yourself grace. These ideas sound great,  but I know mess it up all the time!  It is so hard to pick myself up and keep going, but that's also what makes us beautiful! Overcoming our struggles proves we are growing,  which is a good place to be! 

[mello-ii]

7 hours ago, MissNMTX said:

I do understand having a CG that wants to avoid arguments. I've run across that myself lately. I must be rare in thinking talking things through so that each person understands where the other is coming from is a good thing. To me that's the only way to find common ground and create a dynamic that works for BOTH people. I don't mind communication....to me it shows care, but I do understand some feel differently.

I'm wondering if there's a way to handle those emotions without involving your CG? Assuming they aren't the reason for your feelings... that seems to be my more common issue.

Journaling has already been mentioned. (I love it) But there's also art or something crafty, baking, exercise maybe? Do you have a pet?

Also, I was thinking most s types do enjoy getting their way. I fancy myself a princess, others would call themselves brats. If you really do feel unhealthy, my best advice still is, always is to communicate and be as up front as you can. Also, any healthy activities to get out of your own head for a bit.

Good luck and be gentle with yourself.

The problem lies in that a lot of the times I was upset and didn’t communicate that with them, it was something relating to him that caused me to not outright say what it was haha

Admittedly, he did make me upset quite a bit. But the good always and will forever outweigh the bad. The things I get upset from him are so little to me that when sleep or take a nap, I basically completely forget the argument even happened and treat him how I normally do.

But I don’t think it’s like that to him and he takes it more personally, which he has the right to feel as it’s me getting upset with him. I wish to know how to go about not making him feel that way, while still being able to tell him how I feel so he sees I’m trying to communicate : (

I do not have a pet and I’ve tried journaling before, but it always ends up being forgotten when I’m under any stress.

———

I think the best way to combat this, now that I’ve heard from you guys in the thread, is just to aim towards communicating how I feel immediately and having better coping mechanisms for when I’m upset.
 

Thank you very much for all of your help @BabyPoppy and @MissNMTX❤️

[mello-ii]

6 hours ago, BabyPoppy said:

I love art or crafting as ways to process emotions, and journaling can be drawing and sketching your feelings, too! 

I did find exercise beneficial too...🤫🤫 just don't tell any future cg types lol... I actually enjoy riding a recumbent bike after work to relax my body and flip from stressful boss lady to fun mom or silly little... there's science too... something about endorphins and dopamine and serotonin and cortisol .... big words for grown-ups, not a little brain on a Friday night...🤭

You're so right! Anything you can do to communicate and work things through is so important! I tend to run from arguments due to how I was raised, but I keep working on it.

One strategy that has helped me too, is to take a scheduled amount of time apart to calm tempers then come back together to discuss the problem. This could be 1 hour or 1 day, but not too long and not an abstract... I'll think about it... that feeds the insecurities in your head. During the time apart pick something to help you process: 

1 - journal your feelings

2 - write a list of what happened before, during, after the big feelings

3 - Use I statements... I feel sad because I broke a toy..... I need a hug/comfort for the loss of my toy.... I want you to use kind words and be patient with me when I am crying. 

I feel lonely because I only spent 10 minutes with you today.... I need more than 10 minutes of time one-to-one with you in a day..... I want to stay up 15 extra minutes on days when we have less time together.  

4 - do something to calm down and reset your body physically...  go for a walk, do yoga, take a hot shower, have a a warm caffeine free drink, put a cool cloth on your head, drink cold water, use a straw to drink water, read some jokes, hug a stuffy.. 

I actually eat strong peppermint candies... Altoids...the cinnamon ones... I carry them at all times... this helps me stay in the moment with communication.  If I feel overwhelmed,  attacked, scared, or misunderstood I checkout mentally and don't even remember the conversation... not good in grown-up life or littlespace... 

When calmer heads prevail...discuss... the word argument is scary for me, so I discuss things. It's the same thing, just in a word that doesn't trigger my brain to a fear response. 

Please hear this last point @mello-ii relationships, all relationships are hard, both in grown-up spaces and in littlespace.  Give yourself grace. These ideas sound great,  but I know mess it up all the time!  It is so hard to pick myself up and keep going, but that's also what makes us beautiful! Overcoming our struggles proves we are growing,  which is a good place to be! 

Thank you so much for all of your advice, it really is so helpful. I’ll be giving them a try, especially the one with the peppermint candy as I do enjoy the flavor and the shock to the system it gives : ) 

I try to give myself grace, but knowing that I’m the main problem and seeming like I don’t make the right amount of progress I want… it really makes it hard.  I’ll be trying harder to from now on, thank you < 3

[MissNMTX]

There are loads of excellent ideas here. I hope they help anyone who may need them.

[BabyPoppy]

5 hours ago, mello-ii said:

Thank you so much for all of your advice, it really is so helpful. I’ll be giving them a try, especially the one with the peppermint candy as I do enjoy the flavor and the shock to the system it gives : ) 

I try to give myself grace, but knowing that I’m the main problem and seeming like I don’t make the right amount of progress I want… it really makes it hard.  I’ll be trying harder to from now on, thank you < 3

Grace means it is ok to mess up, that'show we grow... 

It is in our struggles that we have the opportunity to grow the most. 

No one is perfect.