When Littlespace Becomes Dangerous (Humorous)

[Cranius]

All day I've been laughing about this cartoonishly terrible episode where I almost trucked a retiree in Aldi with my shopping cart. It was this darkly comedic mix of bad timing, bad decision making, and bad luck. I was just being a kid, popping a wheelie on one of the grocery carts, and kind of playing astronaut, Buzz Lightyear, whatever you want to call it. I wasn't really thinking about it, wasn't really paying attention, and started gaining steam down one of the main aisles. I know the grocery store is not the place for this, and I know it sounds awful to have been laughing about this, but it was just the craziest thing. It all happened in about 30 seconds, from my decision to speed through the store to ending. 

I'm moving pretty good, I can feel the air on my face. I'm feeling like a puppy. Oranges and produce are darting past me. Life is good. Then, this stereotypically sweet and frail old lady comes shuffling around the corner with her grocery cart. I just cannot get over her face, it was a mix of horror, resignation, and amazement. I mean she clutched her hand to her neck, and I was like 50% sure that she was reaching for a Life Alert bracelet. And just to give you some context, this lady was the kind of lady they'll put on the Life Alert commercials.

I mean, I hit the brakes so hard it was like a Tom and Jerry cartoon: you can see the sparks coming off the wheels just about. After the cart came to a stop, I just put my hand on her shoulder, and gave her a gentle squeeze. I didn't even verbally apologize. We were past that: I needed a mind link. I wanted to acknowledge that I just sent her soul out of her body and sent it back in again. I felt so much sympathy for the fright and confusion I caused her, I kind of just gently helped her reach another item on the shelf and guided her car toward the checkout aisle, and she kind of just kept shuffling like it didn't even happen.

In that moment, I was trying not to laugh, because I knew if I had been in her shoes and somebody hit and killed me with a grocery cart, I would have told Death: "Send me back! I'm not dying that way, not to a grown up Buzz Lightyear in the grocery store! Come on, you got to do better than that!" If somebody had taken a picture of me popping a wheelie, and her face in that moment, it would have swept the nation. I can see it on YouTube: Retiree almost gets flattened by adult LARPing Buzz Lightyear. It would have millions of views. You'd have elderly reforms within a week. Entire elder law cases would be settled. 

I mean, I feel terrible about the whole thing on some level. I almost feel like I broke some kind of international law. I'm kind of paranoid about turning 50 or 60 or 70 now, I feel like this is a big demerit on my life records and I'm waiting for that 28-year-old kid in the future to come and flatten me out.

I guess those childish rules still apply for good reason: don't run with scissors, look both ways before you cross the street, and don't pop a wheelie on your grocery cart: it's a setup for bad karma. 

EDIT: This is the strongest piece of evidence I have for my apparent lack of self-regulation and imminent need for constant supervision (half-joking)!

 

Edited Monday at 05:51 PM by Cranius

[MissAnna]

Oh my goodness I'm giggling so much at my desk right now. 

It happens to the best of us, but it doesn't mean you have to feel guilty just be a little bit more careful.

In stores I will dance to the music and literally embarrass all my friends around me. 

So take it from me you have nothing to be guilty over, just be a little more cautious okay?

[Cranius]

Sure thing! I will be more watchful! Maybe I need a blinker and headlights on my cart, or a license to go vroom-vroom!

[Faelin]

1 hour ago, MissAnna said:

Oh my goodness I'm giggling so much at my desk right now. 

It happens to the best of us, but it doesn't mean you have to feel guilty just be a little bit more careful.

In stores I will dance to the music and literally embarrass all my friends around me. 

So take it from me you have nothing to be guilty over, just be a little more cautious okay?

Yay! I'm not the only one that dances!! 

[MissAnna]

25 minutes ago, Cranius said:

Sure thing! I will be more watchful! Maybe I need a blinker and headlights on my cart, or a license to go vroom-vroom!

Too cute 🤭

[MissAnna]

2 minutes ago, Faelin said:

Yay! I'm not the only one that dances!! 

You will find me literally break dancing in the isles when a good song comes on 🤭😂