Taking someone to their littlespace

[Xylem83]

Hi all. About a week ago I met up IRL with a little one after about 8-9 weeks of talking and calling online. Going in, the only piece of the puzzle left for me was whether I'd find them attractive IRL (and I did!) but they didn't feel the "click" as I did. I knew going in that that was always going to be a potential risk, and I don't regret meeting them, but it obviously still hurt. When musing on reasons why it didn't click for them, they told me I never actually got them into "littlespace" and the times it did happen, they were already halfway there and I just happened to be online at the same time.

In the past years I basically got to know littlespace as something that doesn't happen that often with littles. Maybe I should have told them that (they were very new to this whole business)? Is this a wrong assumption? Second, I also assumed that as a daddy or caregiver, there is only so much you can do to try and lead littles to that precious place. They told me they felt like they needed to be "pushed" into it but honestly I found that pretty galling to hear because 1) they only told me that once it was clear I could no longer do anything about it and I'm not a mind reader, and 2) it was already hard setting up RPs or stories with them unless they were already horny in the very moment. Third, because of this feedback I'm also looking for ways I can approach this in a non-sexual way - like, how can you make littles feel and want to be little in a non-sexual way they might still enjoy? It's only due to them I realised I am actually a daddy and have been for almost my entire adult life, but because of internalised shame and fear of judgement, I never actually "came out", so in a sense a lot of things are new to me.

I'd love to hear what more experienced people think.

[littlemoon02]

.

Edited Sunday at 03:20 PM by littlemoon02

[Little kaiya]

There are absolutely going to be littles that need assistance or a push to enter littlespace and that 110% does NOT mean they aren't a little.

Some folks have very stressful jobs where they are responsible for others and may find letting go hard.

Some folks may have traumatic experiences and as a result fight going into little space and so may want support or a push.

Others may need a specific environment that allows them to find that space.

Every little is different and yes, i think it is gatekeeping and offensive for someone to suggest that just because someone needs a push or support to enter littlesoace that this isn't for them.

[SweetLittleDreamer]

I don’t have to much experience in the DDlg space, there are people on here with much more experience, knowledge & far better advice then I could ever give. But I can speak to what I have learnt & how I see things. 
note, I will be using CG as a collective term for Daddy’s, Mummy’s and Caregivers. 
 

For me, littlespace isn’t a space I feel like anyone should be being dropped into without prior consent, this could be something like at the start of a dynamic both consenting parties agree that the little can be dropped into it at any time by their CG or any time that is appropriate. Or it could be something the little decides daily or even each instance that the CG would like to try and drop them. 
If a conversation around dropping her into little space had yet to be had then I think you did the right thing in not dropping her.
& of course a little dropping into it naturally when interacting with a CG is different.

Little space is different for every little, some drop into every now and then, others will drop into it more often and some littles spend more time then not in their little space. 
For some littles there maybe other factors as well, do they feel it’s safe to go into it where they are, is the person safe or are the people in their immediate vicinity safe, do they have the time. It’s important to know any potential blocks or factors that may stop them from entering it just as it is triggers.

Every little will also have different things that draw them into little space, certain pet names, phrases, speech styles (baby talking, using a small vocabulary eg potty, nite nite etc.) some littles maybe more tactile, needing things like cuddles or bubble baths or pats in the head.. or butt (whatever floats their boats). Did this little talk to you about their triggers tell you what her triggers were? 
You mentioned you thought she was new, it maybe that she doesn’t realise that simply being a CG doesn’t mean you can turn CG mode on & drop any little into it. It takes time to learn triggers & more time after sometimes for those triggers to start working when it’s a CG trying to draw you into little space. 

I also feel that she possible just used the wrong word for a term she is potentially still learning, of course not knowing her I can’t say that for sure, but honestly when I started learning “pushed” was the way I spoke about it to, because I knew no different. 
 

Most Littles will have a non sexual side to their little, of course I say most here because there are probably mostly or all sexual, just as there are little who are mostly or all non sexual. Again all littles are different, just like all CGs & dynamics. 
I strongly recommend looking through the forum, chatting to those with more experience knowledge & the far better advice then I have, read posts, ask questions and all in all be a sponge & just absorb everything that resonates with you. Be safe, be sane & when talking with little ask all the important questions before delving into any sort of dynamicy stuff to make sure you’re on the same page before that’s all added. It’s not a race to a dynamic. It’s a journey so enjoy it. 
ok I’m going to stop typing now..

[.คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

Please don't assume things about Littlespace. Instead, be proactive about learning a potential partner's preferences- by asking them. Every Little is different, but every Little is valid. And you will ultimately hear conflicting opinions by asking other people you aren't in a relationship with.

[Xylem83]

1 hour ago, .คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ said:

Please don't assume things about Littlespace. Instead, be proactive about learning a potential partner's preferences- by asking them. Every Little is different, but every Little is valid. And you will ultimately hear conflicting opinions by asking other people you aren't in a relationship with.

I realise now I should have done that and I regret not doing it. 

1 hour ago, SweetLittleDreamer said:

I don’t have to much experience in the DDlg space, there are people on here with much more experience, knowledge & far better advice then I could ever give. But I can speak to what I have learnt & how I see things. 
note, I will be using CG as a collective term for Daddy’s, Mummy’s and Caregivers. 
 

For me, littlespace isn’t a space I feel like anyone should be being dropped into without prior consent, this could be something like at the start of a dynamic both consenting parties agree that the little can be dropped into it at any time by their CG or any time that is appropriate. Or it could be something the little decides daily or even each instance that the CG would like to try and drop them. 
If a conversation around dropping her into little space had yet to be had then I think you did the right thing in not dropping her.
& of course a little dropping into it naturally when interacting with a CG is different.

Little space is different for every little, some drop into every now and then, others will drop into it more often and some littles spend more time then not in their little space. 
For some littles there maybe other factors as well, do they feel it’s safe to go into it where they are, is the person safe or are the people in their immediate vicinity safe, do they have the time. It’s important to know any potential blocks or factors that may stop them from entering it just as it is triggers.

Every little will also have different things that draw them into little space, certain pet names, phrases, speech styles (baby talking, using a small vocabulary eg potty, nite nite etc.) some littles maybe more tactile, needing things like cuddles or bubble baths or pats in the head.. or butt (whatever floats their boats). Did this little talk to you about their triggers tell you what her triggers were? 
You mentioned you thought she was new, it maybe that she doesn’t realise that simply being a CG doesn’t mean you can turn CG mode on & drop any little into it. It takes time to learn triggers & more time after sometimes for those triggers to start working when it’s a CG trying to draw you into little space. 

I also feel that she possible just used the wrong word for a term she is potentially still learning, of course not knowing her I can’t say that for sure, but honestly when I started learning “pushed” was the way I spoke about it to, because I knew no different. 
 

Most Littles will have a non sexual side to their little, of course I say most here because there are probably mostly or all sexual, just as there are little who are mostly or all non sexual. Again all littles are different, just like all CGs & dynamics. 
I strongly recommend looking through the forum, chatting to those with more experience knowledge & the far better advice then I have, read posts, ask questions and all in all be a sponge & just absorb everything that resonates with you. Be safe, be sane & when talking with little ask all the important questions before delving into any sort of dynamicy stuff to make sure you’re on the same page before that’s all added. It’s not a race to a dynamic. It’s a journey so enjoy it. 
ok I’m going to stop typing now..

Thank you so much for your answer, it makes a lot of sense and some of the things you've said I had already taken to heart intuitively (e.g. that it's not a race). As I said above in response to another poster offering their POV it's a topic I should have broached much earlier. They did tell me what words they liked me to use (which I did). They (they/them btw) are also still learning and new to the topic. It was already very impressive they speedran things over the course of less than two months what took me a decade to learn and process about myself! 

2 hours ago, Little kaiya said:

There are absolutely going to be littles that need assistance or a push to enter littlespace and that 110% does NOT mean they aren't a little.

Some folks have very stressful jobs where they are responsible for others and may find letting go hard.

Some folks may have traumatic experiences and as a result fight going into little space and so may want support or a push.

Others may need a specific environment that allows them to find that space.

Every little is different and yes, i think it is gatekeeping and offensive for someone to suggest that just because someone needs a push or support to enter littlesoace that this isn't for them.

Not sure where you got the impression I denied this little was a little? Because I didn't and I don't :). Just clarifying here.

[littlemoon02]

1 minute ago, Xylem83 said:

I realise now I should have done that and I regret not doing it. 

Thank you so much for your answer, it makes a lot of sense and some of the things you've said I had already taken to heart intuitively (e.g. that it's not a race). As I said above in response to another poster offering their POV it's a topic I should have broached much earlier. They did tell me what words they liked me to use (which I did). They (they/them btw) are also still learning and new to the topic. It was already very impressive they speedran things over the course of less than two months what took me a decade to learn and process about myself! 

Not sure where you got the impression I denied this little was a little? Because I didn't and I don't :). Just clarifying here.

It was said because of the comment that Ive made which I deleted. 

[.คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

Don't regret it, learn from it! Learning from your mistakes will make you a better caregiver and partner.  

[Little kaiya]

15 minutes ago, Xylem83 said:

I realise now I should have done that and I regret not doing it. 

Thank you so much for your answer, it makes a lot of sense and some of the things you've said I had already taken to heart intuitively (e.g. that it's not a race). As I said above in response to another poster offering their POV it's a topic I should have broached much earlier. They did tell me what words they liked me to use (which I did). They (they/them btw) are also still learning and new to the topic. It was already very impressive they speedran things over the course of less than two months what took me a decade to learn and process about myself! 

Not sure where you got the impression I denied this little was a little? Because I didn't and I don't :). Just clarifying here.

It was in response to a comment from another poster that has since been deleted. I will ALWAYS call out people trying to gatekeep others.

[littlemoon02]

8 minutes ago, Little kaiya said:

It was in response to a comment from another poster that has since been deleted. I will ALWAYS call out people trying to gatekeep others.

No one was trying to gatekeep anyone. So no need to be angry. 

[Little kaiya]

6 hours ago, littlemoon02 said:

No one was trying to gatekeep anyone. So no need to be angry. 

I'm not angry at all. When I see someone suggesting or tell others they don't belong because they don't act or behave a certain way that's gatekeeping at its very core.

Edited Sunday at 11:58 PM by Little kaiya

[Cranius]

Hi there! Thanks for posting and sharing your feelings, and seeking counsel. You won't find a more supportive community here! 

I read your post a few times. My goal is to provide balanced feedback from multiple angles about not only your specific situation, but maybe some ways that you can navigate relationships with littles as a whole. I'm not a CG, and am still discovering myself as a little, but I've had enough bad relationships and unhealthy ways of thinking about them that there are a few thoughts I'd like to share here. Please bear in mind that these are just my thoughts, so take them for what they are worth. 

I'm going to go though the post section by section to keep things organized. 

7 hours ago, Xylem83 said:

Hi all. About a week ago I met up IRL with a little one after about 8-9 weeks of talking and calling online. Going in, the only piece of the puzzle left for me was whether I'd find them attractive IRL (and I did!) but they didn't feel the "click" as I did. I knew going in that that was always going to be a potential risk, and I don't regret meeting them, but it obviously still hurt.

 I'm sorry they didn't feel the same connection as you. This is never easy, but at least you learned that about eachother upfront and didn't spend years or vast amounts of resources trying to extricate yourselves from eachother.

 

7 hours ago, Xylem83 said:

When musing on reasons why it didn't click for them, they told me I never actually got them into "littlespace" and the times it did happen, they were already halfway there and I just happened to be online at the same time.

So there are a couple components to this that I think are good to be aware of.

Firstly, IMHO, it's valid from this little's perspective to seek another relationship because they weren't getting their littlespace needs met. 

At the same time, their choice to do so is not necessarily reflective of your skills as a caregiver, and this little's experience with littlespace isn't representative of littlespace as a whole. Each little is different.

To provide specific feedback, I think some more context would help. Did you and this little discuss littlespace needs or triggers? For me and a prospective mommy, I have made it clear that littlespace is a "triggered" environment for me. It's rather like a landmine for me-- littlespace won't just "happen" or "go off", specific environmental factors have to make it happen. 

7 hours ago, Xylem83 said:

n the past years I basically got to know littlespace as something that doesn't happen that often with littles. Maybe I should have told them that (they were very new to this whole business)? Is this a wrong assumption? Second, I also assumed that as a daddy or caregiver, there is only so much you can do to try and lead littles to that precious place.

Maybe it comports with your experience as a CG that littlespace doesn't happen often for the littles you've interacted with. I would caution you, however, not to make this assumption for all littles, and I'd certainly caution against telling other littles that-- doing so could introduce self-fulfilling-prophecies and other pernicious effects.

At the same time, I agree that the responsibility of acquiring littlespace is not the responsibility of the CG.

Of course, CGs should make every reasonable effort to help their little, and CG's should also be mindful of the littlespace when it is happening. As a little, I consider it a personal responsibility to inform my CG about not only what may trigger my littlespace, but how I am inclined to behave while in littlespace. I also consider it my responsibility to ultimately "arrive" at littlespace of my own accord. To me, littlespace is like a muscle or a drug -- it's an altered state that I am responsible for learning how to use, governing, and understanding. And I am also responsible for communicating changes and new understandings to my CG. 

7 hours ago, Xylem83 said:

They told me they felt like they needed to be "pushed" into it but honestly I found that pretty galling to hear because 1) they only told me that once it was clear I could no longer do anything about it and I'm not a mind reader,

It seems like this little didn't communicate this need in the correct way or in a timely enough manner to help you. And, that's unfortunate, I'm sorry to hear that. Although it is valid for the little to need "pushing", CG/L is a dynamic just like other dynamics, and communication is critical. Perhaps more so in CG/L than any other, but that's another discussion of itself.  It seems like communication was lacking here, and that makes things hard. 

In the future, when approaching a dynamic, I'd suggest asking the little some of the following questions:

• What's your view on littlespace as a whole?
• Do you enter littlespace? If so, how do you enter? How do you exit?
• What do you prefer to do while in littlespace? Are there activities you are inclined to do? Are there activities you avoid?
• How can I recognize littlespace for you and guide you through it?

Here are some questions that I would ask a CG as a little:

• What's your view on littlespace as a whole?
• Are you comfortable with me doing "X" in littlespace?
• Are you comfortable with me spending "X" time in littlespace?
• Littlespace is sexual for me. Is that a problem? If so, how do you propose we work around it?
• Sex is different for me as a little in "X" ways. Is that a problem?

Really, this is just a more specific version of the "Wants and needs" talk that every dynamic should have. 

7 hours ago, Xylem83 said:

and 2) it was already hard setting up RPs or stories with them unless they were already horny in the very moment. Third, because of this feedback I'm also looking for ways I can approach this in a non-sexual way - like, how can you make littles feel and want to be little in a non-sexual way they might still enjoy? It's only due to them I realised I am actually a daddy and have been for almost my entire adult life, but because of internalised shame and fear of judgement, I never actually "came out", so in a sense a lot of things are new to me.

There's a lot here, but ultimately, I'd like to just reiterate the importance of communication, and that each little is different. Littlespace for me is sexual, but isn't for everyone. And the sex I have in littlespace tends to be different than when I'm not little. As others have said, some littles may exclusively want sex in littlespace, and others may never want it, or anywhere in-between. Each dynamic and CG/L pair is different and has its own rules.

Finally, if you are still struggling with shame, even as a CG, I have a post for you, here: 

Hopefully some of that helped! 

Liebe und Umarmungen, 

Joey

Edited Sunday at 09:43 PM by Cranius

[Xylem83]

2 hours ago, Cranius said:

Hi there! Thanks for posting and sharing your feelings, and seeking counsel. You won't find a more supportive community here! 

I read your post a few times. My goal is to provide balanced feedback from multiple angles about not only your specific situation, but maybe some ways that you can navigate relationships with littles as a whole. I'm not a CG, and am still discovering myself as a little, but I've had enough bad relationships and unhealthy ways of thinking about them that there are a few thoughts I'd like to share here. Please bear in mind that these are just my thoughts, so take them for what they are worth. 

I'm going to go though the post section by section to keep things organized. 

 I'm sorry they didn't feel the same connection as you. This is never easy, but at least you learned that about eachother upfront and didn't spend years or vast amounts of resources trying to extricate yourselves from eachother.

 

So there are a couple components to this that I think are good to be aware of.

Firstly, IMHO, it's valid from this little's perspective to seek another relationship because they weren't getting their littlespace needs met. 

At the same time, their choice to do so is not necessarily reflective of your skills as a caregiver, and this little's experience with littlespace isn't representative of littlespace as a whole. Each little is different.

To provide specific feedback, I think some more context would help. Did you and this little discuss littlespace needs or triggers? For me and a prospective mommy, I have made it clear that littlespace is a "triggered" environment for me. It's rather like a landmine for me-- littlespace won't just "happen" or "go off", specific environmental factors have to make it happen. 

Maybe it comports with your experience as a CG that littlespace doesn't happen often for the littles you've interacted with. I would caution you, however, not to make this assumption for all littles, and I'd certainly caution against telling other littles that-- doing so could introduce self-fulfilling-prophecies and other pernicious effects.

At the same time, I agree that the responsibility of acquiring littlespace is not the responsibility of the CG.

Of course, CGs should make every reasonable effort to help their little, and CG's should also be mindful of the littlespace when it is happening. As a little, I consider it a personal responsibility to inform my CG about not only what may trigger my littlespace, but how I am inclined to behave while in littlespace. I also consider it my responsibility to ultimately "arrive" at littlespace of my own accord. To me, littlespace is like a muscle or a drug -- it's an altered state that I am responsible for learning how to use, governing, and understanding. And I am also responsible for communicating changes and new understandings to my CG. 

It seems like this little didn't communicate this need in the correct way or in a timely enough manner to help you. And, that's unfortunate, I'm sorry to hear that. Although it is valid for the little to need "pushing", CG/L is a dynamic just like other dynamics, and communication is critical. Perhaps more so in CG/L than any other, but that's another discussion of itself.  It seems like communication was lacking here, and that makes things hard. 

In the future, when approaching a dynamic, I'd suggest asking the little some of the following questions:

• What's your view on littlespace as a whole?
• Do you enter littlespace? If so, how do you enter? How do you exit?
• What do you prefer to do while in littlespace? Are there activities you are inclined to do? Are there activities you avoid?
• How can I recognize littlespace for you and guide you through it?

Here are some questions that I would ask a CG as a little:

• What's your view on littlespace as a whole?
• Are you comfortable with me doing "X" in littlespace?
• Are you comfortable with me spending "X" time in littlespace?
• Littlespace is sexual for me. Is that a problem? If so, how do you propose we work around it?
• Sex is different for me as a little in "X" ways. Is that a problem?

Really, this is just a more specific version of the "Wants and needs" talk that every dynamic should have. 

There's a lot here, but ultimately, I'd like to just reiterate the importance of communication, and that each little is different. Littlespace for me is sexual, but isn't for everyone. And the sex I have in littlespace tends to be different than when I'm not little. As others have said, some littles may exclusively want sex in littlespace, and others may never want it, or anywhere in-between. Each dynamic and CG/L pair is different and has its own rules.

Finally, if you are still struggling with shame, even as a CG, I have a post for you, here: 

Hopefully some of that helped! 

Liebe und Umarmungen, 

Joey

hey Joey, thanks so much for your in-depth opinions and answers, they're much appreciated! 

The little in question just reached out and was kind enough to tell me I did nothing wrong per se but couldn't match my emotional intensity and investment - and while that's obviously not nice to hear, I get it. I'm still very grateful to have met them in person and don't regret that at all. And I do come away from this realising I need to approach these issues with more questions in the future instead of going in blind and assuming things might just work out. It's a learning process for me, too, after all.

[Cranius]

35 minutes ago, Xylem83 said:

hey Joey, thanks so much for your in-depth opinions and answers, they're much appreciated! 

The little in question just reached out and was kind enough to tell me I did nothing wrong per se but couldn't match my emotional intensity and investment - and while that's obviously not nice to hear, I get it. I'm still very grateful to have met them in person and don't regret that at all. And I do come away from this realising I need to approach these issues with more questions in the future instead of going in blind and assuming things might just work out. It's a learning process for me, too, after all.

For sure! Dynamics are just special relationships. They require the same care, communication, and awareness that vanilla relationships do-- more so, IMHO. I'm glad you learned something of value from all of this, and remember-- we're here to help, too. If you can't find existing posts on the subject, ask! Someone around here knows!