I really dislike the way people talk about DDlg/DDlb

[blue_puppy]

TW- mentions of childhood abuse

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Sometimes when I'm scrolling through social media, I come across posts that talk about DDlg type dynamics in a hurtful way and it make me anxious as someone relatively new to this space. 

I was abused frequently during my childhood and never got to experience tenderness from a parental figure- I have CPTSD from all the events that happened during that time. I always found comfort in the idea of a partner treating me like I was little and them having a parental role in my life.

When I started dating my current boyfriend, he was into me calling him daddy and so I did. As time went on I confessed that I enjoyed calling him daddy because I enjoyed him taking that parental type role. Were very happy in our dynamic- Its not frequently secual. He loves to hold and carry me and spoil me with presents and has bought me items for this type of dynamic like pacifiers. 

I've seen the kind of stuff people say about this dynamic. That it's gross and pedophilic. I get worried that my boyfriend thinks that way. I know he doesn't and that he knows I just need that extra type of care and love. But I worry about what others think. I realistically know that what I consensually do with my partner is no one else's buisness, but I still have this nag in the back of my head.

[BanditIncognito]

i share a lot of your same experiences and also thoughts/fears/etc. around being little and the way people talk about CGL dynamics, especially re: CPTSD and the whole "never experiencing tenderness as an actual child" thing. im sorry that its so common to have people act like this dynamic is inherently bad/gross/pedophilic, especially given how many people who engage in this kink –– both littles AND Caregivers –– have experiences w/ childhood sexual assault and other forms of child abuse in their histories. 

my Daddy and i joke a bit that we both found each other bc we're both a little damaged, but it's also...kinda true? (well, i guess a lot of that joking is more the combo of the DDlb combined with the 20yr gap between us lol, but i digress.) he had a lot of fucked up stuff happen in his own childhood that sorta resulted in him taking on a parental role in his relationships bc he realized he likes being a caregiver and a mentor. his kink is literally just. seeing and helping his little grow into a more secure, self-sufficient, confident person. it bothers me that so many people out there wouldn't bother looking past the exterior (young looking twink calling a middle aged man Daddy), to see the real work both of us are doing to maintain a healthy and mutually benficial relationship that just happens to work best in the context of a DDlb relationship. he takes care of a lot of my emotional needs (helping me regulate, encouraging me to do my chores, giving me That Look when im doing something i know i shouldnt be doing), and i do the same for him (in diff ways, obviously. i help him break out of a lot of unhealthy thought patterns that are detrimental to his self esteem, i listen to him and validate a lot of things he's anxious about. shit, im literally developing an entire curriculum specifically for him so he can start learning to manage his dyslexia). people forget that any healthy relationship requires give and take from both parties. 

idk, ive been thinking about this topic a lot lately, and how many people just think CGL is this one single, stagnant thing: there's always an older Daddy and a little girl (also, little boys just. seem to always get lost in these convos which.....sucks. so do Mommies, for that matter.) and the Daddy is a wannabe predator who wants to prey on young vulnerable littles, but doesn't want to get in trouble so he hides behind kink. 

here's the problem with that framing. predators don't need to hide behind kink. predators will be predatory in every/any space they're in. yes, theres something to be said about certain dynamics being easier to exploit, which is why all kink communities need to be on the lookout for predatory behavior, but thats not exclusive to CGL. you see it literally everywhere where power dynamics are present and normalized.  yet this is the dynamic that gets the worst rap –– even within some kink communities. it's frustrating and frankly upsetting. it's like people forget that littles are....adults, with autonomy, and that Caregivers are human beings w fears and hopes and needs; plenty of Daddies are also trying to heal something or work through their own stuff w their role in this dynamic. and that both littles and Caregivers are human beings. it bothers me that people don't take that into consideration. 

anyway, sorry for the rant. ive been trying to sort through a lot of my own feelings re: my Daddy and i's relationship, and the personal anxieties i have about ppl's perceptions of our relationship, and your post hit on a lot of those things. 

[PapaMax]

Sadly the shaming of people with kinks or even just alternative lifestyles/regression is nothing new and these people who would do so aren't interested in the fact that your regression is a healthy part of you processing past trauma and coming to terms with it.

What we're seeing now with e.g extremist groups like Collective Shout is the widespread demonization of kinks, this is the next step in the crusade after trans and gay people were in the crosshairs.

Worrying about what other people think is a waste of time, as is trying to debate with them, these people aren't interested in seeing it from your point of view. If your boyfriend can't accept you for who you are then you need to find someone else, but it sounds like he can and he does, so that's great, and remember to let him know how much you appreciate him.

Learning not to care about hateful peoples opinions is a skill you develop as you get older and more cynical