Submissive Caregiver vs. Dominant Daddy / Mommy

[Journey]

I've been thinking about this for awhile. What makes a submissive caregiver? 

Looking at myself and having listened to others, I realized there is a difference between being a submissive caregiver and a dominant caregiver. It can change the dynamic significantly.

I can switch between dominant mode and submissive mode, even while being the caretaker. My wife, a middle, reacts very very differently depending on which mode I am in.

The difference is subtle and hard to describe, so I will give some examples instead. 

If I am in dominant mode, she tends to become more submissive, since that is her preferred state. She wants me to make the decisions, and I take charge and make the decisions for her. I also get her feedback either before or after, and she will ask for things, but the decision still is with me, since I am the dominant.

A perfect example is meals. I decide what we will eat, and decide what to buy. She can ask for something, but she is asking, not ordering. She delegated control of this area to me, and I took control and make all of the decisions in this realm. I try to make things she likes, and I do get her feedback, but since this is an area I am in control of, she submissively accepts my decisions without any objections, other than to make suggestions or requests for next time.

But if I am in submissive mode, she tends to become more dominant (which sometimes annoys her since she wants to be submissive). Instead of me making decisions, I ask her what she wants and then do what she wants. I am still taking care of her, but I am not making the decision. I am submissively fulfilling her requests, even though she is the middle and I am the caregiver. I will still sometimes anticipate what she wants and make something she likes without asking, but it is still based on serving her, not being in charge. I am still responding to her requests, not making decisions.

Using meals as an example again, in this scenario, she, as the middle, is making the decision. I am asking her what she wants, and then making dinner according to what she wants. By telling me what she wants, I don't have to make the decision. I just fulfill her order, which transfers the power to her, the middle. 

The difference is so subtle. You can perform the same tasks, but the power dynamic might be opposite.

In one scenario, you are the dominant who is in control and are more active in making caregiving decisions. In the other scenario, you are responding to their needs and where possible, delegating decisions to the person you are taking care of. Or if you are in a three-way relationship, you are the submissive caregiver to the little, while delegating decisions to the dominant caregiver. 

In my case, since my wife wants to be the submissive middle, I have to be both a caregiver AND be dominant, which I have figured out are different things. 

Your thoughts?

[sheepie uwu]

Dominant Littles exist. Submissive caregivers exist. I call this dynamic CSLD = caregiver sub Little Dom. This is separate from switching. Unfortunately, it seems that there's less information about CSLD online than standard DDLG as well as stigma against it. But there absolutely are Littles out there who are dominant and pair very well with submissive caregivers.

[Journey]

I had no doubt they exist. But for me, as someone who is a naturally submissive caregiver paired with a submissive middle who wants a dominant daddy, I had to figure out what the difference between the two are. Why? Because I am always the caregiver, but I noticed that her reactions would change and at first I was not sure why. Eventually I figured out that it was because sometimes I was dominant and sometimes I was submissive.

So, yeah, I know they exist. But since I have a wife who wants a dominant daddy and I am not naturally dominant, I had to learn how to be dominant. 

I am sure a natural dominant does not have to learn how to be dominant, and a natural submissive does not need to learn how to be submissive. But in my case, I had to analyze it so that I understood HOW to be dominant, even though I am submissive. 

[Journey]

I also started this conversation because someone else was commenting that they were a Mommy but submissive. So I posted my perspective hoping they would chime in too. 

Edited 7 hours ago by Journey

[sheepie uwu]

Do you mean @MissAnna ?

I don't know if she still identifies as a Mommy anymore or not, but I'm pretty sure she's mentioned her struggles being submissive as a Mommy.

I'm under the impression that she's no longer interested in being a Mommy, but I could be wrong and would prefer her to speak for herself.

[Journey]

I did not mention her by name since I did not want to speak for her. But I would definitely love to hear her perspectives. 

Edited 7 hours ago by Journey

[MissAnna]

I will chime in, so I was a Mommy Dom for over 20 years with submissive tendencies, meaning I am more compelled to do as I am told rather than have one do I as I tell them. 

 My submissive nature has always been a part of who I am, I would gladly rather take orders and follow them then give them. I'm not good at making others mind me because I wear my feelings on my sleeves and I get them hurt easily.

When correcting littles I would try to be stern but when they would get upset I would cave and give in to what they wanted. I never did know how to say no nor did I know how to make myself seem more stern or Dominant.

 @sheepie uwu is correct on that I have put my Mommy Dom hat up for the time being.

I don't know how to correctly answer your question, I know most Doms/caregivers are stern or firm (some aren't some have similar qualities as I do) were I am not, I have always been submissive with the love of being a caregiver. 

I take orders not give them, @-Soul- has helped me so much to see that being submissive isn't a bad quality in me. For so long I felt broken because of my submissive nature. I didn't think I belonged in a world full of amazing strong Doms when I would cry if someone didn't like the way I spoke to them (and I still do)

So in a nut shell I am a submissive with Mommy Dom tendencies and I am just me. A hyper squirrel brained girl from Kentucky who loves to make people happy. 

I hope I have helped shed some light on me 

 

[MissAnna]

As for what made me a caregiver well that's a long story and one I have answered in one of my old post on how I became a Mommy Dom. 

But it boils down to the love I felt when taking care of someone, to know they need me and rely solely on me. It was the feel of knowing I have a purpose.

That is why I became a caregiver not for the authority, not for the power, not for the obedience but for the love. To be loved and to give love, that's why. 

[Poutyprincess]

I don't have anything relevant to add to the meat of this discussion. Only to swoon over the idea of someone taking control of all the mealtime/food stuff... it feels so exhausting and my brain has always had trouble making those kinds of decisions 😽

[Korynn]

this discussion actually was kinda eye opening because its not something i've never really thought about and is actually something i've run into issues with irl so maybe yall can offer me some advice?

i'm a submissive little and one of my partners and i have had a really hard time getting into the groove of the dynamic. i felt in the beginning that they had a switchy-more submissive mindset and i almost ended the relationship over it because it just wasn't the dynamic i was looking for but they insisted that they could be the daddy dom i was looking for.

i want a dominant partner to take care of me and make all the decisions for me and after i expressed this my partner has worked really hard to do exactly what i ask but never takes any initiative of their own and it gets really frustrating sometimes because its hard to be little when i still feel like i have to do all of the thinking.

i often feel really guilty because they're new to cg/l dynamics and i can tell they really want to make me happy and they do take very good care of me but its been 6 months and i haven't been able to go into little space once.

[MissAnna]

13 minutes ago, Korynn said:

this discussion actually was kinda eye opening because its not something i've never really thought about and is actually something i've run into issues with irl so maybe yall can offer me some advice?

i'm a submissive little and one of my partners and i have had a really hard time getting into the groove of the dynamic. i felt in the beginning that they had a switchy-more submissive mindset and i almost ended the relationship over it because it just wasn't the dynamic i was looking for but they insisted that they could be the daddy dom i was looking for.

i want a dominant partner to take care of me and make all the decisions for me and after i expressed this my partner has worked really hard to do exactly what i ask but never takes any initiative of their own and it gets really frustrating sometimes because its hard to be little when i still feel like i have to do all of the thinking.

i often feel really guilty because they're new to cg/l dynamics and i can tell they really want to make me happy and they do take very good care of me but its been 6 months and i haven't been able to go into little space once.

There is nothing wrong to want a dominant partner, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

This subject was brought up many times when I was a Dom/caregiver. At first I tried so hard to be more for firm and dominant but it only caused more frustration in my dynamic. 

You have to ask yourself a very hard question, is this something you are willing to continue or is it too much?

Make sure you are honest with your partner, let them know how you feel, what you need out of your dynamic and what they need as well. 

[MissNMTX]

I'm contemplating writing a similar post from a submissive perspective.... maybe in a bit. Things are percolating in my brain.

What I'm getting from your description may be different than what others have gotten. From what I see you are your wife's Dom/Daddy/Husband. First off kudos to you for being willing to step up into those roles for her. I hope you find it as fulfilling and rewarding as she does. I think what you are calling "submissive caregiving" I would just call nurturing. It's funny to me that for a larger group of people opposed to labels or labeling we sure to love our alphabet soup! Your wife is a submissive middle, yes( raises hand✋🏻) but she's a middle and your wife making her perfectly capable of saying what she wants for dinner, what movie to watch, music to listen to, etc. . Your occasionally giving it to her. Is just nuturing her. Caring for her wants and needs. Not truly submitting to her whims.

We often forget how much is expected of the D types in our lives. These expectations, stresses and stains are true for all and maybe especially apparent for you as you don't consider yourself a natural dominant.