Health and Healing

[BabyPoppy]

I was recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. My whole system is shutting down from decades of trauma, sickness and pushing through the pain. I also battle severe allergies, asthma, acid reflux that has cause Barrett's Esophagus, arthritis in my knees, and thumb joints, and hormonal imbalances preventing me from losing weight, even with strict diet and exercise modifications to my life the past several years. I spent 3 weeks at Mayo Clinic, and the underlying problem is central sensitization, which means my brain signals my nervous system to signal too much to regular things. In other words, my system has been constantly triggered for a long time and doesn't know how to calm down or relax.

They offer classes to teach people how to navigate these diagnoses but have been fight through this for the past 25 years with dietitians, physical therapy, intensive mental health therapy, and teams of medical professionals, so the next step for me is the Pain Rehabilitation Clinic. My intake appointment is on April 2, at Mayo and during that appointment they will decide what they can do to help me. It could be some outpatient referrals back home or range from 2 days - 3-weeks intensive services at Mayo. The program is a miracle. It does change people's pain, making it better through a combination of skills training. I really hope and pray that I get into the 3-week program, but I also worry about what that will do to my teenage daughter. It was really difficult for her to stay with another family while I was away for 3 weeks. I have set a ton of support in place for her, and I am being proactive, prioritizing her needs, as well as my own during this transitional time, but anytime I am away, is incredibly difficult for her. She has a weekly therapist, meds, school supports, community supports, a mentor, and 2 families that love her as much as I do, but it is still a struggle. Her dad was abusive and we left him 10 years ago to live in a shelter. She remembers and struggles. She sees him sometimes, per custody agreement, but his health is not well (he has a rare, hereditary cancer that he doctors at NIH in Maryland a couple times a year). Me leaving brings up trauma for her, but me returning better is a positive thing. I keep in touch with the school and her therapist, plus we text and talk regularly when I am not home. She is strong and resilient, but in need of prayer. 

As if that isn't enough, the evaluation for weight-loss revealed that I need further evaluation for mental health because I have symptoms of PTSD, but nothing in my history that shows I was ever treated for PTSD. Instead, they have been treating me for any number of other mental illnesses. I am a good girl and take my meds, do my therapy, but remain stuck for so long, because I was being treated for the wrong problem. I have an evaluation with the mood management clinic at Mayo in mid - late April to get a better diagnosis and off some of the dangerous medication I have been taking for years. 

I also found out that my broken foot is definitely worse that I realized and the providers sent me for some physical therapy to work on my tendons and muscles. I also have an order for water therapy here, so I don't have to drive 30 minutes for water aerobics 3 times a week. 

The biggest thing that is battling my heart is my relationship with God. When I was younger, I used to spend hours a day talking to God, just as I did housework, drove my car, even with the kids. We had praise music of all types on all the time. (Did you know they make Christian Rap, HipHop and so much more!) It was who I am, but with all the pain in my life the past 10 years, my heart has been heavy. I tried to fix it with serving. I took care of my kids, cleaned and cooked, took in the neighbor kids, and my kids' friends, I help those in need even when I couldn't feed myself. I fought for the kids in my classroom, defended those being persecuted, served as a nursery coordinator, Sunday School Teacher, Wednesday Night Church Leader and Secretary, helped with potlucks, and game nights, planned VBS, and Family Fun Nights, was on the Children's Ministry Team, drove 3 carloads of kids to and from every church event.... Still not enough, I stepped up as a leader at work, lead 2 classrooms, 10 staff, ran the program, managed student teachers, found resources for homeless and displaced students and families, piloted new curriculum, advocated for abused children, navigated a management transition, worked on a master's degree... nothing has been enough... Nothing.... because what I was searching for was God.... I missed Him... I was hurting so much from the pain of my marriage, the fear and sadness, and loneliness and abuse I suffered from my marriage, that I walked away from even God, my Jesus was still there, My Abba was waiting with a lap for me to curl up and cry in again, just like before, but I was too afraid to stop serving. I was too scared that if I did stop everything would crash, that I would crash and I would have nothing left. 

So now I have crashed. I fell hard... Mayo recommended no work, short-term disability. I am on short-term disability, and I am floundering like a fish outta water... I look around my house, and I don't even know where to begin... somewhere in the past couple of years the pain and exhaustion became so great that I was unable to even clean my house... There is so much! I am picking an area to start and working for 30 minutes, but it is emotionally painful. It is physically painful. It is spiritually painful. Most of all I see just how far I have fallen. I used to have a beautiful home and fun meals, holidays and decorations. I used to sing and dance and pray and read the Bible with my kids. Now I sit, in the recliner, in my diaper with my stuffies and pretend to watch TV... I am an overwhelmed zombie... The one thing I need more of is Jesus. 

 

2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" 

Galations 5:1 "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

2 Timothy 1:7 "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline."

Please keep me in your prayers over the next few months. I have appointments in March, April, May and a week in June. I will need to decide in early May what to do about work.

Thank you my friends,

Poppy