Overview

i'm so sorry sweetie! I know you know this, just remember grief is a process. You're gonna have good and bad days, rest and repeat. if you're on discord and there as well feel free to send me a follow and I'm happy to give you my info if you ever wanna chat. I've kind of been slacking but a lot of us use the Finch app. It's great for setting goals and little chores and we all try to support each other, maybe something like that could help give you a little bit of structure. and it's super cute!

I'm here to listen if you need a friend.

I have felt like I was managing grief okay. Sadness is normal. The panic attacks were new, but I already have OCD and anxiety so that made sense. I have never had serious depression and with my OCD I try not to start compulsive behavior. Im finding getting to sleep each day is getting harder and getting out of bed is even harder. Im finding either I cant stop moving or cant start. And while im completing stuff nothing seems to bring me joy the way it used to. I know this is part of grief and my doctor is following me and will adjust meds when needed. I just hate that I thought I was doing okay and now Im struggling more than I was right after AJ passed. I thought watching my husband pass would be the hardest thing I ever did. Apparently I was wrong. My brain refusing to function making me feel unlike myself is the worst. Not having someone to hold me through the tears is worse. Feeling like I am letting others down or making their lives harder is worse. Crying over stupid things, like finding a stash of my favorite chicken strip sauce he kept just in case is worse. As someone who is used to being in control at work and being directed when not, being fully out of control with no guidance is worse. Having to make every decision from big to small is worse. Feeling like no one really knows me anymore and most likely will not is worse. I don't expect anything from this post or group. I just needed a safe space to write. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

Poppy, Thank you for sharing this so honestly. I’m really glad you finally have a diagnosis that fits—that kind of clarity can be powerful, even after such a long and difficult road. It sounds like you’ve carried so much for so many years, often without being heard or understood. And yet, you kept going, kept searching for answers, and kept building a life—that matters. I’m really encouraged reading that there’s now a plan in place and a team looking at the full picture. The path ahead may not be easy, but it is forward. Step by step, like you said. Wishing you steadiness, support, and continued moments where you recognize yourself and think, “I like me too.” 💛

@andy332 First off, the fact that you’re even asking this question says a lot more about you than you might think—in a good way. It means you care, you’re self-aware, and you want to grow. That’s already the opposite of being “a loser.” You don’t need to become some completely different person overnight. Start small and focus on things you can control: Take care of your body (sleep, movement, decent food) Work on something that gives you a sense of progress, even if it’s slow Build a couple of solid habits instead of chasing big dramatic changes Reach out to people—friendships don’t have to be perfect to matter Also, it’s worth questioning that label you’re putting on yourself. “Loser” isn’t a fixed identity—it’s usually just a story we tell ourselves when we feel stuck or behind. Everyone hits that phase at some point. If you can, aim for direction over perfection. You don’t need to have everything figured out—you just need to be moving, even a little, toward something that feels meaningful to you. Keep in mind that you’re not as far off as you think.

No and I don't care to

Hello @babypichu5, you are so very welcome and it makes me extremely happy to know that I might have help you even in the slightest. I didn't have the chance to properly edit the post so please excuse all the typos. If anything is unclear or if you'd like more details please reach out. I wish you and your Daddy the best of luck in drafting the perfect plan for you, together. I know that with the planning, preparation, and practice you'll achieve your goals quicker than you ever imagined.

Have you tried therapy?

How do I not be a loser

Hello @sfh702, thank you, thank you thank you! 😆 Your response is what I am looking for, it is structured that integrates my sensory/nervous system needs in clear strait forward manner. I plan on using your response for my meltdown chart (a chart with simple instructions on how to safely handle a melt down). I can't wait to show my Daddy, we have been trying to find something that works and this might just do it. Thank so much! 😁 ~💛Pitchu

Hi Pichu 💛 From what you wrote, you sound very much like my foster little. She and I coincidentally have been dealing with this almost exact situation for the last couple of months. Our solution was to came up with a very simple to follow plan with very simple procedures to help her avoid and if necessary navigate through stressful situations and conflicts that may trigger meltdowns. You seem to be very self-aware and know what your patterns are. This is a huge necessary element in “bridge the gap” between noticing a meltdown coming and having a plan to execute in that moment. Your self-awareness has made bridging this gap a very solvable problem. Outstanding! Before creating any plan, we need to know why we doing this and how do we know we’re done? By identifying the objective, this is your end goal will guide everything! Without clearly stated goals you have no reference for success or failure. Objective: Create a simple and easy to follow plan to prevent meltdowns when you know one is building or navigating through a meltdown if triggered. When a meltdown is building your first goal is to regulate your nervous system through your body. Staying calm, cool and able to think clearly is everything! Always remember you will not to think your way out of a meltdown, you know this because your personal history has shown that the more you try think in that moment, the more you will lose focus. Our procured is to now follow the steps you’ve created to keep calm, clear and cool. Don’t improvise or try to think your way out of the meltdown. Following the steps is now your primary plan of action and in order to ensue actual use of plan under duress the plan must to be as simple as possible to flow. It needs to read like a simple recipe not a decision matrix. Equipment and Space: What can we use to help us? (based on YOU specifically) Since you: • Dislike Noise + Light • Love Soft Textures • Like Deep Pressure Your space could include: • Low light (lamp instead of overhead, or even a dim corner) • Noise-canceling headphones or earplugs • Weighted blanket or hoodie • 1–2 very satisfying textures (fuzzy, squishy, smooth) • Something sturdy to push against (wall, mattress edge, or firm cushion) • Optional: cool pack wrapped in cloth (not direct ice) Keep it minimal if possible. Too many options can make it harder in that state. I have a very large list of equipment my foster have tried and currently uses, I’ll post with links when I get a chance. Your “Meltdown Card/s” will be the most important piece of equipment and should be considered your primary tool. Make a physical card or poster with VERY simple steps. So simple that 5 year old should be able to follow without much difficulty. Simple and easy to follow is what we need. Example ⚠️ MELTDOWN PLAN 1. Go to corner 2. Headphones ON 3. Lights LOW 4. Wrap in blanket 5. PUSH wall (10 sec) 6. Squeeze object 7. Breathe slow You can even add icons or drawings so you don’t need to read. A Simple Regulation Sequence (body-based) Here’s a structured “flow” that I drafted for my foster: 1. Reduce input immediately • Headphones on • Lights down / eyes closed This stops things from getting worse. 2. Deep pressure • Weighted blanket • Tight clothing • Curling up or compressing your body This helps your nervous system feel “contained.” 3. Heavy muscle work (VERY important for meltdowns) This is where your body releases that intense buildup. Good options (you already got great suggestions): • Push hard against a wall or doorway • Wall push-ups • Press back into wall with legs • Grip something rigid and hold Think: “use full body strength safely” 4. Safe sensory intensity (instead of harmful stims) Since you mentioned wanting to avoid harmful behaviors, this step could matter a lot. Try: • Squeezing something very firm • Stomping (like “elephant steps”) • Pressing feet hard into the ground • Holding something cold (wrapped, not extreme) The goal is intensity without injury 5. Simple breathing (after body work) Not complicated—just: • In for 4 • Out for 6 Or even just: • “Slow… slow…” Breathing works better after the body is calmer. Communication when words are gone. Since speech drops off, you could prepare: • A signal card (like “I need space” or “meltdown”) • Or even just a colored card (red = not okay) So you don’t have to explain anything in the moment. A few small steps that could really help in the longterm. • Practice when calm Do your “push wall” or “wrap in blanket” routine before you need it. That makes it easier to access during stress. • Short bursts > long effort 10–30 seconds of pushing is often enough, then reset. • Have a “starter action” When you feel it coming, don’t think, just do step 1 automatically (headphones or go to corner). One more thing, you’re absolutely right that it’s not anger or intention. It’s your nervous system going into overload. The solution isn’t about getting control over yourself, it never was. You objective is supporting your body earlier using the plan effectively for you to help yourself stay yourself in that moment. Good luck with everything and let me know if you ever want more details to what we came up with or just to talk.

On Monday I was finally diagnosed with PTSD. My therapists, psychiatrists, and the shelter workers have been treating me for this for the past 10 - 14 years, but my medical teams have seen many more things posted in my medical records from my first couple of years of college. I really struggled when I went to college. I struggled because I was on high dose, hormone alternating medication for my asthma and allergies. My family had also denied any abuse was happening to me as a child, told me I was lying and a bad kid. Plus, my primary abuser was reaching out and telling me I was lied to, but he just wanted to be there for me. It was a perfect storm for mental anguish and confusion. It was happening at the perfect time for all these new psychopharmocology things were happening with SSRIs, SNRIs and all the other new meds to treat mental health were just coming out on the market. I was crashing from hormonal imbalance in my adrenal glands and physical illness, but it looked like depression. I was struggling to build healthy relationships, express my emotions at an age appropriate level, and feel safe in new environments which looked like BPD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder/Panic Disorder. I was reliving past experiences that I was told never happened, having nightmares, night terrors and completely dissociating for extended time periods which looked liked Dissociate Identity Disorder. I could go on, and on, and on... because no one believed me. Because I couldn't trust my own thoughts, emotions, feelings, even beliefs about myself and the world. The meds they fed me triggered spontaneous mood swings, reactions to meds I should never have been on based on my current genetics profile (hind sight is 20/20) and allowed for a diagnosis of bipolar 2, which has led my medical team in treatments for over 25 years. My chronic pain, was an over reaction, not fibromyalgia and of course no one treated it other than a simple pill. They didn't try education and lifestyle change or working with my therapist on stress management. My endometriosis was just me being sensitive til the GI specialist found several 5.5 cm cysts and ovarian torsion... several surgeries and a hysterectomy later and the doctors still don't understand why that was so difficult for me to face. 🤦‍♀️ The chronic migraines, the severe GERD that's led to Barrett's Esophagus, the newly diagnosed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, a broken foot that won't heal and re-opens regularly... my medical teams were unsuccessful because they saw bipolar... but I never had a manic episode... As I sat for the evaluation at Mayo last week (and an addition eval a few months ago), they both said that the cause of my symptoms was what was important, not the symptoms themselves. If my depression symptoms were only present when I was in pain or sick to my stomach or other health crisis, then it wasn't actually major depression. It was a physical problem, causing the depression. If my anxiety was coming from a desire to feel safe or out of fear for my safety or the safety of those I'm responsible for, then the diagnosis is PTSD, not GAD, Panic Disorder... The flashbacks, nightmares, night terrors and dissociating are all part of being severely abused and then repeating those patterns over and over in my life because Ididn'tget the help I needed. . It's not Dissociate Identity Disorder. As for the bipolar. She cannot 100% say no, because if I had 1 hypomania and 1 depression then I could have that diagnosis, however, I lived without my meds for 4 years as a single mom after the birth of my first child. I worked, finished my 4 year degree and found full time employment. I only started back on meds when my body was in constant pain and I couldn't sleep, so I went to the dr for help. They saw bipolar and immediately started me on meds without any testing.... (my regular dr was on vacation). So changing my meds will need to be done very carefully. Now there's hope. We're going forward with the PTSD diagnosis. Hopefully that will continue to help me find healing and wholeness. There's a plan for my therapist and psychiatrist going forward. It will not be easy, but there's a plan. I am going to the Pain Rehabilitation Center at Mayo in June for 16 days. They blend physical therapy, occupational therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and biofeedback together to help me build a healthy framework for my life. Together we will decide the next steps in my life. Do I continue my current role as a teacher with children who come from challenging environments? Do I change jobs to something part time out of the public eye? Minimize triggers and provide structure to my day. Do I look at disability? I've been down that road before. It's scary and difficult, but if that's where I'm at, then we head that way. Everyday is another step forward. Fear is part of the story, but not the whole story. Everyday I gain a little more freedom and learn more about who I really am. And I like me. Poppy 💕

Thanks @innerchildtml 💜 🌈 💜 Your message was really nice; it helped me feel understood and appreciated. It's been awesome getting to know you. 😊

Thank you for being vulnerable here. That is very hard to do. I have some understanding of what this might be like. My daughter has CPTSD from before her time with me. Its like shes always fighting her brains responses. Its go to is the sky is falling, everything is bad, and no one likes us. First huge hugs to you. Like big sully from monsters inc hugs. Second and this is hard, you have to give yourself grace. My kiddo said the DBT therapy was the best and she uses those skills all the time. Every day is work though and thats hard. We are your friends and you can always message me and if the forum is working I got you. Your also welcome to another method if that would help. I have gad and our brains struggle a lot and we second guess everything. Girl all I can say is I got you. Im sure there are others who would say the same. Its hard these days not to feel lonely and touch starved. Im with you. Know you are loved and there are people rooting for you.

I’ve noticed ghosting usually comes from fear or discomfort, not malice, so I try not to take it personally. Clear boundaries and simple check-ins have helped me avoid it on my end.

Hey you guys Im gonna post cuz I don't know what else to do. It feels really weird to put these words and thoughts out here... I guess it's vulnerable and I tend to avoid vulnerability. I thought it might be good for me to share from a place that I don't normally. Anyways, my therapist might agree with that. So, I have struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a young kid. My sense of myself was formed around having a belief that there was something wrong with me (thanks invalidating childhood 🙄). Mental anguish and the need to struggle to survive are constants. Ive been diagnosed with cptsd and gad. I guess it's hard to explain but maybe there are some of you out there that understand this personally and I don't have to try to say anymore. Depression and anxiety just ARE. I've had loads of therapy and I have a therapist now. And I'm not in any danger of self harm. Here it goes: I am so desperately sad, lonely and scared. It almost feels like my depression and anxiety has leveled up to autoimmune levels. I mean to say that any good thought, hope and attempt at lightness just seems to get attacked by a part of my brain that is looking to snuff out any lightness. I think this is a self defense mechanism that has gone haywire. I used to be happy and light and I got hurt, so I think my brain is keeping the happy suppressed in an effort to make sure I don't get hurt again. My mental health struggle has been going on for so long....this whole year has just been so horrible. Its been going on for so long that I'm scared that I won't be able to heal from this. I'm worried I'm going to get so used to this horrible, blah, scared, feeling that my brain and self will forget any other way to be. I keep hitting rock bottoms, with not enough recovery time in between. Life events just keep happening. Difficult things, normal things....I no longer feel resilient to life. I have always been scared to face life, and I wonder somehow if I have self fulfilled that angst. I wonder if I'm being trapped by my own sense of being trapped! I feel numb. I feel surprised that I am still going. Im just waiting for the next horrible/normal life thing to come along and wring out my energy and sense of strength. I am soaked in the feeling that I don't want to do this anymore and I just want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head. When did this get so hard? I mean I thought it was bad before but now it's worse. I'm also so clearly dealing with this by isolating. That's why maybe writing this here is a good idea. Who knows maybe it's not. I just don't feel like I'm good enough for a relationship. And I really want one. 😔 I feel fine to connect with others when I feel fine but when I feel bad I always make sure to hold that part back. Im keenly aware of exposing this side of myself to others because it just so vulnerable. It can hurt when others don't know what to say. It can be so heavy when others' words....don't really fix anything. This depression and angst just seem to wear away at relationships. And in the mean time I'm feeling more alone than ever. It feels like the greater the need the more I have to be careful....like I'm holding back a dam of emotions and I might be too much for someone. That's another hard part. No one can fix this. Only me. And I'm trying. I do therapy, I'm trying to learn what actually helps and works when I'm going through something like this. Im so angry at me. Im so angry that I put myself in these positions to suffer. Im so mad at the choices I've made in the past. Im so angry about my life circumstances and it's me who put myself here. I would either intentionally choose the difficult path out of sheer stupid stubborn ego or even me just needing to figure out how to manage my mental health....I feel like I make it so hard for myself. I wonder if a part of me wants to suffer or doesn't think I deserve good things in life. It's like I expected life to be miserable and difficult so I....made sure it would happen...? Is that right? Why would I do that? Fear of failure? I used to practice more mindfulness, I had a mental framework for managing emotions and getting through life. But something has shifted. Something isn't letting me believe in that old way of thinking anymore. I notice a part of me is angry and stubborn; pushing away at any positivity. I don't want to do good things right now or maybe even ever. I used to believe in meditation, mindfulness and emotional regulation practices. I teach them at my job for christsake!! I wonder now if its all just bullshit. I feel so dumb when I think about how much ego and confidence I used to have. I feel like it doesn't matter how much I knew about mental health practices because I still ended up like this; more depressed than ever. Questioning all my life choices. In the mean time I'm lonely and constantly looking for friends, validation or to be important. To be someone who is seen as happy, strong and worthwhile having around when sometimes I feel the exact opposite of those things. How do you all WORK on this part of yourself WITH yourself????? What the heck am I missing here?

Awesome share! (Ps hi! 👋 Long time no talk)

Trigger warnings: death, suicide?, religious talk Hi, hiiii! I haven't been active on here in a while. I'll blame it on my trying to survive some canon events. ANYWHALES Just wanted to share some stuff from my diary (I know, it's oversharers galore over here....and past my bedtime ehehe....) cos I WANNA and maybe it'll hit right for someone, although it's lowkey on the poetic side, because that's just how my brain and thoughts go unfortunately (pardon my informal language, I've been feeling old lately). The woman I want to be: - Is confident in her own mind, mindset and abilities - Is neither strong nor soft, but fluid. - Focuses on her own perception of herself, rather than how she is perceived by others - Is unafraid of being challenged, because she is always pushing herself to her limits - Can be a loser, because a loser is humble and that is always more honorable than being an overconfident winner. - Can see the fun in everything. - Can disappoint people and be fine with that - Can learn something from everyone and anyone she crosses paths with - Is prepared to die any day, because she is fulfilled every day. Not because she's running away. - Can only focus on her own spiritual, emotional and holistic journey. God is there to guide everyone else and I am not the most knowledgeable. I can only live as an example of my belief systems and if that inspires people along the way, then good for them and me. I am not a teacher or preacher. I am a learner, a loser and a lover. Don't know if this counts as a ramble, but it's what resonates with me and the person that I want to be. Lately, I haven't been feeling like myself or the person I want to be or see myself as. Sending you love, hugs and lucky ladybugs!

Thank you for your kind words! Have a wonderful weekend and happy Easter to you, too!

Thank you Poppy, your suggestions they are very helpful. I will look up the weighted hoody I think I would like something like that. I also where tight clothing under my cloths. It makes me feel so safe and relaxed! 😌 I often get disregulated because of work. I really like my job (I work at a farm) and I don't want to leave. I can just have a hard time sometimes. I like the push-ups idea bc I can do that in the work bathroom whenever I need a minute to relax. I've gotten into the noise canceling headphones, I'm just a little embarrassed about them. It don't want to come off as rude. But I know if explain it to my boss he will understand. I'll generaly where them when I am alone they make me feel like I'm in my own safe bubble of quite. Thank you so much! You mentioned so many creative ideas. I'm glad to know I'm not only one with these struggles. I hope you have great weekend and a happy Easter. ~💛Pichu

You mentioned a weighted blanket... I recently learned they make weighted sweatshirts for adults! It's a sensory thing to help with self-regulation! They can get pricey, but they don't need to be the fancy ones. Just a simple one will work. I also wear a onesie or body suit under all my clothes because the tightness helps me physically hold myself together in public or at work. I do wall push-ups when I start to feel over stimulated and those can be done in a bathroom stall at work or in public. I also hold an ice cube in my fist for 10 seconds to flip my brain from emotional to logical thinking. If I don't have access to ice, I put a cold paper towel on my forearms for 30 seconds. Another thing I do is Stomp it Out... when my legs need to move and my emotions are all mixed up, I stomp hard as I can in giant elephant stomps. It lets out my feelings without hurting myself or anyone else. I carry a small stuffy at all times and hold it when I need to have something to squeeze in my hand. Noise canceling headphones are wonderful. My oldest has sensory processing disorder, specifically auditory and she had to listen to special music 3 times a day to help calm her. Now music is something she does to remain calm, too. It has to be specific rhythms or beats in the background that sooth her, but it works to keep her calm. If light bothers, maybe some sunglasses even inside. I know that's a tough one, though coz I hear the lights. It's not just that they're too bright, it's also that they're noisy. I miss quiet lights. I use lamps at home as much as possible.

Hi @redruffle41, thank you for your thoughful reply! I really appreciate it.🫶 Yeah, I have more tactics and tools in the sensory department than I do in the meltdown department. I have noise canceling headphones as well as some earplugs, both of which are very helpful. I'm actually thinking of getting a second pair for work. 😊 I found the advice of pushing hard against a wall (or doorway) with my arms locked or if I'm sitting, with my back against the wall and my legs locked to be helpful. I will definitely be trying that! I have sorta done the ice thing but instead lowered the temp inside my house to make it cold. That numb feeling is grounding for me. Personally, I would be hesitant with the ice in fear of frost bite, all though, I have never tried it so you would know better than I. I think also having the concept of something to grip hard is also helpful. I don't have the type of head board you described but I for sure can find something ridged that I can apply pressure to. That pressure you described is exactly what I am looking for. In terms of pain and self***m. For me I avoid causing pain bc it can quickly escalate to actions that I don't want to take. I do think though what you described is a safe way for me to gain agency over my mind and body with out hurting it. Thank you so much for choosing to take time to help me out. It makes me feel seen, heard and like I'm not alone. I hope you have an amazing day. ~💛 Pichu

This is absolutely awesome, keep up the good work @redruffle41

Are you sure? I have lots and lotsa songs.... especially happy ones... and bouncy ones, and ones that pour out all the goop from inside and leave you feeling better... like Fear is a Liar by Zach Williams Smile by Sidewalk Prophets

YW... but also @BabyPoppy.... Add a song or two when u think of it ok!?