Overview

Hi, I skimmed through the resources for professional support and I didnt see this one! https://www.kapprofessionals.org/ Kink Aware Professionals I knew they had therapist but they have all types of doctors and fields for support. Both my therapist and psych are on there and hsve been very kind and supportive. Of course therwpy isnt one size fit all but this made getting into therapy much easier. I would really rec it!! You aren't alone, some of the are praticing so really understand some of the things you are sharing. Love ya!!!

Thank you both for making me not feel so alone 🫶 And @MasterPhotog thank you so much for the kind words and the tips for how to reach out when I need to. Number 2 &3 on that list are going to take practice but it helps to have something to work towards. I come from a family where we were told to cry in the shower so no one would know and am definitely taking baby steps yo unlearn all that.

Thank you for trusting us enough to share all of this. Truly. The amount of courage it takes to open up while you’re in the struggle, while everything feels heavy and dark, is enormous, even if it doesn’t feel that way to you right now. What you wrote is honest, brave, and incredibly human. I want you to know that you’re not alone in this pattern. So many people, far more than you’d ever guess, feel exactly what you’re describing: needing support the most right when it feels hardest to reach for it… worrying about being “too much”… fearing that showing the darker moments will push people away. That doesn’t make you broken; it makes you human and sensitive. And those qualities, even when they feel like burdens, are actually signs of how deeply you care. It also makes complete sense that past experiences have taught you to hide your pain. When you’ve been celebrated only for being the “happy, bubbly” version of yourself, it trains you to think that your darker moments are unwelcome. But the people who truly care about you, the ones who deserve a place in your support system, want all of you, not just the polished parts. You don’t have to present a guidebook or have the perfect words. Reaching out can be as simple as: “Hey, I’m having a rough day. Can you check in with me?” or “I don’t need solutions, I just don’t want to feel alone right now.” It’s okay if your voice shakes when you ask. It’s okay if you cry. It’s okay if you don’t know exactly what you need. Support doesn’t require perfection, it just requires connection. And you are not “too much.” You are someone who is trying their best while carrying something heavy. People who care about you don’t want the edited version of your life; they want the real one, even when it’s shadowed. Learning to stop pushing people away is a process, not a switch you flip. You can start very small: Send a single message to someone you trust. Practice saying one honest sentence about how you feel. Let yourself receive something without apologizing for it. Little steps count. They build the muscle. You deserve support. You deserve softness. You deserve people who stay, even in the dark. And the fact that you’re here, reaching out, tells me you’re already moving toward that. One day, you’ll look back at this version of you with so much compassion and pride for how hard you fought to show up for yourself. You’re not doing this alone, even right now. You’re doing better than you think. Keep going. 💛

Of course I think lots of us have the same problem it’s easier to to push people away then deal with people or lash out at them at least in my experience when I am in my dark space I try to calm down before interacting with people so yes I push people away

I don’t really know how this post is going to turn out but I’m struggling with my mental health right now and know this is a safe place. My depression has been really bad the past couple of days. Like almost as dark as it gets. I realized yesterday that when it gets this bad and I need people around me the most is when I push people away. I know part of it is because I have been shown in the past that most people don’t want to see the darkness; they only want the happy, bubbly Nicky. In the front of my brain, I know that I have people that would listen and support me even when I’m in this dark place but I just can’t bring myself to reach out and say “hey I’m struggling right now”. I feel like if I can’t tell you how to support me, that I should just keep it to myself. And the people pleasing side of me doesn’t want to bring others down with my darkness. I guess what I want to know is if other people have this problem too, and if so, how do you ask for support? I’m so bad at it that I’m crying just writing this because I feel like I’m being too much. I’m usually really good at self soothing and very independent but sometimes that’s not enough. I would appreciate any tips anyone has on how to stop pushing people away and learning how to actually have a support system.

I often find people who say things like this... especially in regards to moving forward is to simply forgive. That's often impossible depending on the scars they've made. You can forget but never forgive and even still you'll never forget. Truly, healing is prioritizing you and your little humans and move forward with your head held high and hope and faith in yourself for a good future without harm being done to you or them. Healing doesn't always include forgiveness. To share, I'm adopted because my Birth mother was heavy in drugs. She passed this year and many people suggested I forgive the abandonment because I would heal. There s still anger, frustration, pain, and deep anxiety but you know what! It doesn't rule me. I won't let it. I move forward knowing that my boundaries have kept me sane and safe and moving on with my life will not include forgiveness but it includes her being put aside for a happier me and life. I hope you get to have that. You deserve it. I often, when people try to share their thoughts on that touchy topic for me is very honestly say that I'm not seeking advice for that and I've made my decision. I dunno if you can do that but strong boundaries around that topic has brought me peace.

Oh wow... this hit very close to home. I'm so sorry you've been through this. I can actually say that I understand because it seems we've had similar experiences with an abusive person. When I was going through therapy the idea of forgivness came up and I hope it's okay if I share my thoughts on this. The way that I understand it is that forgiving the person that did these awful things isn't about them at all, it's about you and your healing. Forgiveness is about changing your emotions and your actions regarding the person that hurt you. Forgiveness is not about "letting it go" and the abuser facing zero concequences for their actions! It's also not about reconciliation because that's not always desirable or even possible. Perhaps you need to figure out how you can forgive this person? For me, it means not giving in to strong feelings of anger and resentment (sometimes I feel so angry at what he did to me and how unfair it was that he got off with such little punishment!), not being bitter and allowing that to seep into relationships with others (my now husband doesn't deserve for me to react to him as though he were the abuser from my past) and it means not trying to create difficulty in my abusers life (boy! would I love to message his "new family" and lay it all out). Of course this is a complicated and painful topic. It's also unique to your individual circumstances. Perhaps you need to have a bigger conversation with your eldest child about forgiveness and what it means to you and to them?

Goodmorning/evening you shoudn't forgive him, a person who abused you once he will do it twice and even more... my father is the exact same, but my mom always forgived him.... you do not have to forgive him, you have to heal first do it for your children. I can tell by experience it's better to not have a father if he has to be abusive and cheater.

Great advice as always!! thank you for sharing this!!

Yeah this so much RN

💬 What Is Ghosting? Ghosting means suddenly cutting off all communication with someone—no replies, no explanation, just silence. It often happens through DMs, dating apps, or social media. ⚪ Why People Ghost (3 Common Reasons) 1. Avoiding Conflict: They fear awkwardness or hurting someone’s feelings. 2. Loss of Interest: They no longer feel connected or engaged. 3. Feeling Overwhelmed: Stress or emotional burnout makes them withdraw. 💔 How Ghosting Affects the Person Ghosted Confusion and self-doubt 😕 Feelings of rejection 💭 No closure, lingering questions ❓ Anxiety about future relationships 💬 🌱 Coping with Being Ghosted Acknowledge your feelings — it’s okay to feel hurt. Don’t overanalyze — their silence reflects *them*, not your worth. Lean on friends or support — talk it out. Refocus on self-care — do what makes you feel grounded. Set healthy online boundaries — protect your emotional space. How to End Things Respectfully (Instead of Ghosting) ✨ Be kind, clear, and honest: “I’ve enjoyed chatting, but I don’t feel this is the right connection for me.” ✨ Use “I” statements: “I need some time for myself right now.” ✨ Keep it short, gentle, and respectful. ✨ Remember: clarity is kinder than silence. 💡Final Thought Ghosting may feel like the easy option—but honest communication builds empathy, trust, and maturity online. 💛

I have an imaginary one lol he’s called Sebastian

i'm really sorry for your loss. I lost my mom over 20 years ago now and some days I miss her just as much now as I did then, honestly I don't think that ever really stops. The pain just gets a little less raw as time moves on, and being able to remember the good times without crying does get easier! When I'm feeling especially sad and really thinking about her I like to call my brother so that we can talk about her together and remember all the things that we loved, and although it makes me a little sad it also makes me feel better digging into all the happy memories. Hang in there sweetie sending big hugs your way!

Losing someone that means so much to you is so heartbreaking. Your poem touched my heart, im sorry you had to experience this heartache.

Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s beautiful and soul baring. ♥️

This is just a poem I made now because I'm feeling a little sad and tired and I miss someone who usually made me feel better during these times. I'm sure someone relates to this, so I wanted to share the sadness✨

When I was single I wouldn't buy myself anything on Valentine's day, instead wait for the day after and buy the chocolate half off, then grab a glass of chocolate milk and watch funny rom-coms. I was alone for a very long time, Valentines day for me meant Half off chocolate the next day. Now can it be hard for others, yes absolutely. Seeing all the other happy couples makes you feel even more alone. That's why I love this community, because even if you are alone on Valentine's day you aren't really alone because there are so many people who will talk to you and make you feel special. Don't let a holiday marketed by a corporation make you feel undeserving of love. Because that's not the case, Valentine's day was originally to celebrate Saint Valentine. He was a noble priest in Rome and buried on Feb 14, people would come out to celebrate his death and honor him. When of course it was commercialized by corporations in the 19th century and boom Valentine's day. In my opinion we deserve love 24/7 not just on one day, because each and everyone of us our amazing, beautiful and phenomenal.

I usually get super anxious about planning stuff like this, so I keep it simple. Last year, I sent flowers through gogoflorist and surprised my partner at work. It made her whole day and took the pressure off me to plan something huge. Sometimes just doing one sweet thing makes a big difference, especially if it's thoughtful and shows you care, even if it's not big or expensive.

Also, if you’ve never heard of Bug Hunter, so cute. I love his songs.

I had never thought of it that way, but you all put words on how I feel. I do have an internal CG! That’s soooooo helpful to realize. For me, it feels like a soothing voice inside my head that helps me take one thing at a time, reminds me to take breaks and to take care of myself. If I had to describe it, I would say my internal caregiver is more like an older (and wiser) version of myself, taking care of my actual self. Thank you all for this topic and all of your replies ❤️

New soul by Yael Naim makes me feel so much. The wonder and curiosity of new things, the mistakes we inevitably make exploring and a feeling of safety from being taken away from it all

I don’t think anyone, not a loved one, friend or even a therapist, has the right to tell you how you “should” heal. If someone is telling you shoulds or musts, you don’t need to let that in. YOU are the expert of your own experience. You lived it, you survived it and you still carry the scars of it. You are the one who knows your body and self the best. Your own intuition to what your healing needs will always be stronger than anyone outside you. Can people act as guides and helpers, absolutely! But even as a trauma therapist I never speak like an expert to someone I’m working with. I never tell them “this is needed to heal”. I offer that healing is different for everyone, and these are some options or things some people connect to or find helpful in their journey. What I will offer, is that for some people forgiveness is part of the journey. And for others not. There’s no right or wrong here. I absolutely do not think you have to forgive someone who was abusive. And you certainly don’t need to forgive someone who created harm for you and your tiny humans. You are allowed to be protective mama bear for life!!! Instead of forgiveness, I find some survivors find it helpful to actually fully feel and lean into their anger, process it. Allow it. Anger is a cue for boundaries. It can motivate us to create change. It’s a powerful voice in healing. Sometimes I like to remind people that feeling anger is really good. Because it means a part of you recognizes that crap was so not okay and that part of you is wanting to protect you. And for many of us, we didn’t get to do that when we were younger. Anger can be a step towards empowerment. I find, sometimes people who push forgiveness (not always, some there is genuine care there) can be uncomfortable with the truths of trauma or anger. They sometimes want you to “forgive and forget”, move on. But what they really mean is, “please make me less uncomfortable by hiding your truths better because I don’t know how to emotionally handle them”. So if you need alternative voices, I say, screw forgiveness if that is what you want! I will say that alternative work to forgives is letting go of resentment. We can’t do this though until we fully process the hurt and the anger. We in no way need to forgive, but for many, if we don’t process the feelings of resentment, that feeling can hurt us. I once had resentment described as holding a burning hot coal for years, waiting to throw it at the other person. That stuck with me. So for some of the people I work with, and for myself, we learned how to drop the coal. Does that make sense? Anyway, you go ahead and feel exactly how you feel, and heal however works for you ♥️

Thank you so much! Wow, this is so helpful and gives me a lot more information on what I wanted to know about! It reassures me a bit, that you had also worried you may get caught up in feelings in that kind of situation and you didn't. I'm so clingy😭and I feel like I'd probably start to feel attracted to someone if they could handle me and my craziness (whether it be my personality or my struggles with consistency when it comes to maintaining good habits), but hmm I do kind of hope I can form a platonic relationship/dynamic. The romantic ones just fizzle out so quickly! The dynamic you had sounds so beautiful! I'm not exaggerating, I almost cried reading it because it sounded so supportive and sweet and I almost couldn't fathom that that could happen in a purely platonic dynamic. Would it be okay for me to privately message you asking more questions about the dynamic you had and a temporary dynamic in general? Clear communication! The powerhouse of all the best relationships! And yes, it helped me so much! Thank you❤️

Trigger warnings: themes of abuse I just wanted to reach out and connect to let you know there are absolutely people here who hear you and how hard all these pieces are. Ghosting (unless we are talking putting on a ghostly costume and going booooo) can be so harmful. I often have to hold friends or clients when they experience this from others. It’s sad how often it is. Most people don’t do well with either conflict, or endings. They are hard and so they are avoided. And unfortunately the internet makes it really easy to avoid. Even a simple ‘I don’t feel the connection but I wish you the best’ is avoided. For myself, I try to remember most of it is anxious avoidance on the parts of others, from their own wounded parts. Aaaand sometimes it’s just plain inconsiderateness. But it is completely reasonable that it hurts you, and that you expect more. You deserve to be treated with integrity. You have the right to ask for that. And I’m so sorry your experiencing it. I wanted to offer that having a temporary caregiver (or some pre set boundaries) for some, is a beautiful option. Especially in windows of time when you know you’re going to be in the grind and need that extra voice to help you. For myself, because of the trauma I grew up in, I didn’t date at all when I was younger. I was very terrified of men. In university the first dynamic I ever connected to was a discipline dom, with no romantic or sexual elements. Totally platonic. He was married and deeply in love with his non-kinky wife. She loved him and gave him permission to connect in non sexual dynamics. She became close friends of mine. And having him was the first time in my life I started really taking care of myself and it moved me towards therapy and a lot of amazing healing. He was a caregiver to me in many ways. It allowed me to be my best self in school. And he was the first man who taught me men can be safe. I got to witness his beautiful love for his partner and how happy they were. With his support, I eventually started dating for the first time and connected to my first personal/dynamic relationship. I even talked to him about how I would know when I was ready and felt safe enough to have consensual sex with my first partner. In terms of how we did it, I had rules and a system of punishments/rewards, we met at least every two weeks for dynamic, talked often in chat, but we also just did things for friendship and bonding. And I became a part of their friend group and actually met my first partner/daddy through that. Keeping it platonic was not difficult for either of us. And it fed both of us what we needed. We both needed that boundary. And it even supported his marriage. And we ended it naturally when it came time and remained friends. In the beginning I used to feel worried about me getting so much out of our connection, and somehow “using” him. But he loved to remind me just how deeply good it feels for him to be needed. And how the same way it soothes me, it soothes him. I also wasn’t sure of if I could be in a dynamic and not, well…fall in love? Or get mixed up by feelings. But for us it worked. I did love him, as a friend and as a caregiver. But that never shifted into anything else. I think the thing that really helped us. Is we both wanted the same boundaries. And we were able to be very clear and communicative from the very beginning. I hope this helps a little bit to normalize what you are maybe looking for right now. And I’m sure others in this space have wisdom or stories too. It’s completely okay to do things temporary and/or platonic however you need. It would be your dynamic. There is no one way or right way to do this stuff. ♥️

Like, what do we mean by forgiveness? Cuz if someone did those things to me I would be hurt just thinking about it for the rest of my life and I wouldn't want that person to be around so they could possibly hurt me again..... So, what does forgiveness look like? For me it would mean wishing that person peace and whatever else their karma brings them and letting them go. Hugs, sounds like he's a really hurtful person and it must be hard to explain the complex situation to your kiddo.