Overview

Yoga helps me on a daily basis just feel wonderful but for intensely uncomfortable moments Tai Chi helps me ground quickly and for a significant amount of time.

That’s lovely. I’ve heard so many good things about Tai Chi for that. I know Yoga is wonderful for it as well.

I do some of these if things get too difficult during work and practicing Tai Chi helps significantly too.

“No feeling is final.” – Rainer Maria Rilke (20th-century German poet) Grounding tools are coping strategies to help you gently stay connected to the present moment and separate you from the distress of your emotional state or situation. When we feel a sense of threat (whether real or perceived) it affects the autonomic nervous system by activating our threat response. Grounding allows us to calm our body and help switch off the fight, flight, freeze or flag response. Grounding can be done anytime, anywhere, by anyone. They can be done on our own, or with a supportive friend, loved one, therapist, or even AI, who can guide us through the grounding process when the need arises. There are also many helpful apps (PTSD Coach Canada is just one example) or videos online to help guide us through grounding techniques. Grounding “anchors” us to the present moment and allows us to calm our nervous system enough to be able to make the next best decision for what we may need. Many individuals who have experienced trauma struggle with a wobble of feeling too much (overwhelming emotions and memories) or too little (numbing and dissociation). With grounding, we can practice a balance between the two – being conscious of feelings and able to tolerate them. I thought it could be helpful to have a place where some grounding techniques are listed for everyone. Please feel free to post your own you use as well. Later, I will make another grounding post for littles/middles or anyone that wants some grounding techniques that are fun for kids! Some Key Guidelines: - Grounding techniques are not the same thing as relaxation techniques – it is an active strategy that works via distraction and connection to the external world. - Even though grounding methods are simple, practicing them frequently allows them to be maximally helpful. Practice even when you don’t need them, so that you will know it by heart! - In general, when grounding it can help to have both feet planted on the ground with an open comfortable body posture. But listen to your own bodies needs and abilities. - Engage your senses – e.g. get tactile by holding something soft. - Focus on the present, not the past or future. - Stay neutral – avoid judgements of “good” and “bad”. - Ground for a looooooooonnnnggggg time (10-20 minutes). Rinse and Repeat if needed. - Start grounding early in the distress cycle. Begin as soon as you feel yourself beginning to be triggered. - Figure out what types of grounding works best for you. You can even create your own methods of grounding. - Make an index card on which you list your best grounding methods. Keep this on you or within easy reach – It is easier than trying to remember in the moment of distress. - Consider teaching your people what it looks like when you experience triggers (especially dissociation) and teach them what grounding helps with you - Prepare in advance – Locate places in your room, on your person, or elsewhere that you can have materials and reminders for grounding. - Don’t give up! Some Grounding Techniques: Here are just a few examples! There are so many out there to experiment with. Play with them, try them in combinations with each other. But keep in mind we always want to include breath. Breath is considered the foundation of grounding. It is one of the fastest ways we can begin to help our system come down from a stress response and begin to feel calm and connected. There are also 3 major categories of grounding: Physical, Mental and Soothing. Physical techniques help you focus and reconnect to your body; Mental techniques help focus your mind and senses to the present moment; and Soothing techniques help you treat yourself in a kind and compassionate manner. Feel free to experiment with different combinations of techniques and find what works best for you. Breath: - Deep Belly Breath (Abdominal Breathing). Our breath is a direct reflection of our mental and emotional state. When we feel anxious, tense, angry, or overwhelmed our breathing can become shallow and rapid, occurring higher up in our chest. When we are relaxed we breathe deeply and slowly and our breathing comes from our abdomen. In this way, we can invoke a relaxed state by changing our breath. Place one hand on your chest and one hand over your belly button. As you inhale allow the breath to deepen and shift to your abdomen. Notice with this deeper breath how our belly pushes outwards against our hand and deflates with our exhale. Continue with this rhythm of deepening the inhale and slowing releasing the exhale. - 4-Square Breath. Visualize a square in your mind. Allow the rhythm of your breath to follow the shape of the square by breathing in for 4 seconds, holding the air for 4 seconds, breathing out the exhale for 4 seconds and holding the empty space for 4 seconds. You can even trace the shape of the square with your finger in your mind. Repeat this breath as much as you need. - Finger Breath. Place the index finger of one hand on the outside of the pinky finger on your other hand. As you breathe in, trace up to the tip of your pinky, and as you breath out trace down the inside of your pinky. Continue finger by finger until you have traced all the fingers on your hand. Reverse the direction and do the same process of breath from your thumb to your pinky. - Ten Breaths. Take ten breaths, focus your attention on each breath on the way in and on the way out. Say the number of each breath to yourself as you exhale. Gradually, allow your breath to expand and fill every corner of your body. - Rooted Visualization – Bring your attention to your breath. As you breathe in, visualize it as an energy (e.g. light or colour) that moves through your body. You might track it along your arms, down your torso, down your legs and finally all the way into your feet. As you continue to breathe normally, visualize the energy flowing all the way through your body, through your feet and into the ground below you, anchoring you and holding you solid and firm. Notice how it feels to be rooted to the earth, all of you connected. You can even visualize yourself as a tree rooted to the ground. - Dual Experience. Close your eyes, sit comfortable and begin to turn your awareness in with your breath. As you follow the rhythm of your breath begin to pull your awareness to different parts of your experience, invite yourself to notice how the breath feels coming in and out; notice things you can hear and the spaces of silence; notice where your body feels supported by the furniture and spaces your body touches the air; notice both the feelings of tension in your body and the spaces that feel loose; notice how you might be holding multiple emotions as once, perhaps anxiety and contentment as an example; just notice that we can experience multiple things at once, holding dual experiences and one does not need to win over the other. Breath in and out with this dual awareness. Mental Grounding: - Present Orientation - Say a safety statement oriented in the present. “My name is _________. I am _________ years old. I am safe right now. I am in the present, not in the past. I am located in _________ and the date is _________.” - 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Senses – Look around you and begin to observe: 5 things you see (you can choose a specific colour e.g. red) 4 things you can touch (you can pick a specific texture e.g. smooth) 3 things you hear 2 things you smell 1 things you taste - Feelings Container Visualization – Imagine placing the distressing thought/feeling/body sensation into a container (e.g. a glass jar or a box). You can get as creative as you like. Visualize closing the container knowing you are always able to go back and reopen it when you feel secure. - Detailed Description – Describe an everyday activity you know well, in great detail (e.g. a meal you like to cook: first I peel the potatoes and cut them into quarters etc.). -Finding Oases - Oases are activities that give a break from the trauma. They are activities that demand concentration and attention. Watching TV and reading do not usually work well as it is easy to wander into one’s own thoughts. Procedures that have not become automatic work best. These might include: working with tools; following a recipe; playing chess or ‘brain training’ games, doing crosswords or puzzles; writing; playing an instrument etc. -Hands – Take a minute and ask every part of you to look through your eyes, and just notice your hands. Pay attention to their size, shape and details (maybe they have calluses, wrinkles or wear a ring, maybe they are larger). Remind every part of you that your hands look like this now because you are an adult. Remind every part of you that because you are an adult, this means you are safe and you have the resources and skills to take care of yourself. - Describe your environment in detail, using all of your senses – for example, “the walls are white, there are five blue chairs, there is a wooden bookshelf against the wall”. Describe objects, sounds, textures, colors, smells, shapes, numbers, and temperature. You can do this anywhere. - Categories. Try to think of types of all the things in a specific category (e.g. dogs, musicians, chocolate bars, animals, cars, or cities). You can make it more difficult by choosing a certain letter as well (e.g. animals that start with the letter S). Physical Grounding: - Focused Breath – focus on your breathing, noticing each inhale and exhale. Let your breath slow down naturally, relaxing your body. You may also want to use calming, grounding statements as you breathe, like: - Inhaling, “I am breathing in calm.” or “ I am breathing in compassion” - Exhaling, “I am exhaling anxiety,” or “I am exhaling shame,” or “I am safe.” - Grounding Object – carry a small object in your pocket (e.g. a small rock or crystal, a ring, anything that works for you) that you can use whenever you feel triggered. You can rub the object in your hand as you ground. - Stretch and Contract – Extend your fingers, arms, or legs as far as you can. Move your body to its comfortable limits. Try some isometrics! Tense and release your muscles moving from your top down. - Temperature - run cool or warm water over your hands or face. Have a cool shower. Hold a hot cup of tea. Physically allow yourself to feel the sensation of different temperatures that ground us into the moment. - Clap Your Hands Together. Clap strongly and feel the slight sting as your hands meet. Now clap softly and feel for the movement of air between your hands. Put your full attention on this one simple act and see how many things you can notice about what your hands feel. Now rub your hands together vigorously until they generate some heat. Feel the heat in your palms and then bring your hands to rest over your eyes and take a few slow deep breaths. - Creative Expression – art, dancing, drumming, gardening, singing, listening to positive music… any creative expression! - Body Scan. Sitting comfortably, take a deep breath in through the nose, and out through the mouth. As you breath out, close your eyes if that feels safe to do. Notice how the body feels right now. Starting at the top of the head, gently scan down through the body. Remember, you are not trying to change anything, just noticing how the body feels as you scan down, all the way to your toes. You might notice areas of tension or looseness, warmth or cold, pain or comfort, you might even notice sensations, feelings or colours. We are not judging what we notice, just observing them with gentle curiosity as we breathe. - Change the scenery. Sometimes just getting up and moving can help. Change your environment. Go for a walk or a drive, or get up and go to another room. - Urge Surfing. This is a helpful tool for those struggling with urges or cravings. Sit comfortably in a quiet space where you won’t be disturbed. Close your eyes so that you are better able to focus on the exercise. Center your attention on the part or parts of your body where you are feeling the effects of the craving or urge. Describe to yourself the sensations you are feeling. Be calm and objective as you move from sensation to sensation, starting with the most intense. You may notice certain thoughts or feelings connected to the sensations. Shift the attention to the rise and fall of your breathing. Breathe naturally. After a couple of minutes (don’t get hung up on the specifics of the timing), shift your attention back to the physical locations tied to the craving. Continue to shift your focus from your sensations to your breathing until the urge you are experiencing subsides. It may help to think of the craving as the wave and your breath as your surfboard. When you feel better able to manage the urge, end the exercise and return to your regular activities. Remember that you can return to the exercise at any time if the intensity of the urge ratchets back up. Soothing Grounding: - Compassionate Words - Say kind things to yourself as if you were talking to a friend or loved one (e.g. “You are a good person going through a hard time, you will get through this moment. This feeling will soon pass”). Feel the vibration in your throat and listen to the sound in the air around your face. - Inspiring Words – keep inspiring words that help you feel better close by to read. They can be from a song, quote, poem, or prayer for example. - Butterfly Hug. Try a butterfly hug by crossing your arms (as if giving yourself a hug) and alternately tapping your left and right upper arm. Breathe and gently tap for a minute or two. - Safe Place – Visualize a place you find soothing and safe. It can be from a memory or something imagined (e.g. a forest, your favourite room, a boat on the ocean, an alient planet). Focus on everything about that place – the sounds, colours, shapes, objects, textures. Feel free to add anything into your safe space that would make it more perfect for you. Take out anything you don’t like. - Self-care. Sometimes just engaging in self-care can help. You can make yourself a nice meal, have a hot shower, go through your workout routine, or watch a favourite show. - Spiritual Practices – prayer, meditation, healing circles, spiritual practices of all forms.

I'm a bit obsessed with Falling in Reverse right now so big agree there! If you like Horror movies then I suggest Ice Nine Kills as well. Their albums Silver Scream and Welcome to Horrorwood are all songs based on scary movies and its also screamy.

Ooo thank you for these! I resonate with the need to be an angry little thing sometimes and just get it out. Lurving “Handshakes with Snakes”. Added to list! I’ve been enjoying getting angry with “Popular Monster” by Falling in Reverse. Though I also love some old school Skrillex or Korn when I’m wanting to feel all my angry feels.

I love all of these! Music is big for me, especially for grounding with my depression and for my AuDHD. My playlists are all over the place though. Everything from K-Pop Demon Hunters soundtrack to Slipknot to Russian Pop. When my AuDHD is at its worse usually my go to is my screamy music playlist though. Songs like "Soft" by Motionless in White and "Handshakes with Snakes" by Attila that let me be an angy lil thing and get it all out.

You are being so incredibly brave by looking at these questions and making choices for yourself, both for healing work and on potentially limiting contact. Sometimes it can feel very powerful to protect our own tiny humans from stuff we never got the protection from. I don’t have any contact with my family beyond my siblings and my mother. Everyone else, including my father and aunts/uncles, Opa/Oma, I needed to step away from for safety because they either were my and my siblings abusers or they openly still support them. Most of my 5 siblings did the same. It makes my family very small so I learned to build chosen family along the way. And my Daddy’s family is loving and safe so I feel welcome there. Still, it is never easy making those choices. Just know that you’ve got peeps here to talk anytime you need to during this process. And you are allowed to experiment and change the boundary lines as you go. ♥️

I've gone no contact. It's not easy, but I'm much safer without them.

I hated cutting my family out of my life but it was the best thing for me and my kids. You can and should forgive them for yourself but you don't have to let anyone victimize you or trample your boundaries regardless your shared genes or no.

It's okay to be scared, I can't imagine what you are going through. You aren't alone and we are here for you if you ever need to talk.

Okay, now for an actual song in my playlist

@MissAnna Return to innocence is such a great one! @Anya Lovelace Thank you so much for sharing, that’s a new one for my playlist! Do the rubber duck is the best! Okay, sometimes I just need a really good laugh. And all the great Sesame Street suggestions made me remember this one. No actual bad words used! Just hilarious beep put to comedic gold use. *snickers*

Sorry if this all over the place So I made the decision to do more intense trauma therapy and start therapy for my miscarriages I’m finally opening about all the abuse I dealt with and some I didn’t realize was abused but with me finally being open about it I realize I needed to change some of the stuff I do it has cause issues with my parents cause I no longer allow my tiny humans to do certain stuff and it gets thrown in my face will we let you do this and I so badly wanna scream back yes they did and I was in situations I had no business being in at a young age I have also realized for my mental sake and my tiny humans I need to limit contact with my parents I’m scared not gonna lie

Sounds to me like someone is working a solid program;)

It takes such courage to speak about something so hard, it only shows your strengths and bravery. Your story is so touching and I'm so sorry that happened to you. I am so sorry you went through any of that, I can only imagine the pain and burden you carry around on your shoulders. It's so hard to move past S.A. and it's so hard to see the good in others when you have been taken advantage of your whole life. We are so glad you are here, you aren't alone anymore, we are here for you, we see you and we value you. Remember one day at a time, if you can't go one day take it one hour, or one minute or even one second. It takes time, and in time you will find out how strong you were all along. Remember we are here for you and we are in your corner Until next time remember you matter, you are loved and you are worthy of being loved

Thank you for sharing that so openly. It takes a lot of courage to talk about everything you’ve been through, especially the pain, confusion, and the process of rebuilding. It sounds like you’ve carried a lot and are still choosing to heal, which says so much about your strength. I don’t think there’s a set timeline for grief or recovery, the waves just soften over time as you keep choosing yourself and new experiences. You deserve real peace and connection after all of that. “I love you, I hope you Heal” 💝

@RoseyLittle Happy Thanksgiving to you too! 🧡 Thank you so much for your kind words and for being such a meaningful part of this space. Your presence, warmth, and energy truly help make it the beautiful, supportive community that it is. Sending giant hugs and deep gratitude right back your way. Here's to continuing to grow, uplift, and inspire everyone, today and always. ♥️

It’s so hard to self soothe sometimes!!! I really understand the struggle. I just wanted to normalize that it’s hard…and it’s not just because we might have anxiety, or anxious attachment, or even trauma. But it’s also because our bodies are DESIGNED for co-regulation. I sometimes feel we have like a cult of independence in the modern world. Like we really push this idea that we can do it on our own, and we have to learn to stand on our own two feet…and don’t get me wrong, I think that is beautiful. And I believe in having a big bag of tricks for self soothing. But… also we were born connected to another human. And the very first soothing we experience is done by others (often touch, sustenance and voice). And if we are lucky enough to have safe childhoods (which many of us are not) we maybe are taught self soothing and regulation along the way of growing up. But even with all that, we will soothe faster with others. Therapists actually learn this somatic trick, when someone is upset in front of them, we consciously slow down our breathing. And we lower our voice slightly. Because unconsciously your body will begin to match ours and calm. That’s how designed our nervous systems are to calm with others. We call it going low and slow. Side note my Daddy is always like “don’t use your therapist voice with me” when we fight and I start going low and slow. *giggles* So I just wanted to put it out there that of course what you really want is to reach out and connect and feel that calming with your person! And be like WOW! You already are doing such great work because you recognize what’s happening for you, you can see it and name it. Tricky thing is that doesn’t just make it go away! Also, object permanence is something we learn as kids, well babies really. Peekaboo is all about object permanence. It’s learning that something exists even when we can’t see it. Peekaboo is magic before this because the baby legit thinks you just disappear under the blanket and reappear and it’s astounding to them. Well, object permanence is part of attachment too! The understanding and trust that your person is still your person even when they “disappear”…maybe because they actually are away, or busy…maybe because they are having an off week and are there but not acting like themselves. Well guess who struggles with this element of attachment the most? People who have lived trauma. For so many of us it still feels like we are playing peekaboo and our nervous systems freak out or “spiral” when are person disappears. Cause everything is screaming at us that they have actually disappeared and our nervous system is prepping for abandonment. It’s completely normal and makes sense. And what we want to do is tug on the rope and make sure they are still holding the other side. I’ve learned a few tricks over the years that work for me or folks I work with. When it comes to our close attachment peeps. Have a back up of them in some way. For me I have a voice recording of my daddy that I can listen to anytime. Some clients I work with have “wallet cards” with a written statement from their person. Others use photos, tattoos, a stuffie from them, a shirt of their to put on. Anything you can connect to that helps you remember they are in your world. Have really open communication with your other about what time away is like and creatively come up with solutions that feel okay for both of you. Connect to other folks for self soothing. Yes that can be a therapist but can also be a friend, this forum, anywhere that reminds you, you’re not alone and you are cared about. Cause you are! ♥️ And yes, work those self soothing skills! For myself, I notice that top down approaches (like going through the mind to calm the body) doesn’t work as well. It doesn’t matter how many times I name the anxiety and gently challenge the cognitions, if I don’t soothe my nervous system, nothing shifts. I find this to be mostly true for trauma clients I work with too. So I prefer bottom up approaches…and not just cause it sounds more kinky *giggles* (going through the body to calm the mind). I find it helpful to do grounding techniques, really letting the nervous system calm. Then it doing some gentle soothing that is compassionate. Then I make sure that from my grounded adult self, I connect to my own child part to let them know they will never be abandoned because I have them. I’m taking care of them too. THEN I can challenge the cognitions and have it stick better. If for any reason, I can’t ground or clients can’t ground. Can’t go through the above steps. Then I distract. Just get through the moment sometimes one breath at a time. Do things to “urge surf” basically. Recognize the feeling won’t last forever and just do what’s needed to get through one moment to the next. Things that keep our mind busy work best. For some it’s a movie, a book, a task. I hope any of this helps in the tiniest of bits. You are absolutely not alone, and yearning for connection doesn’t make you anything other than human.

Happy Thanksgiving! And giant hugs and gratitude to this beautiful space and the amazing humans who fill it. ♥️

Hello everybody thank you so much for the nice person that invited me to this corner. Innocence I’m 2 1/2 years sober. I met a woman on fat life that was in the midst of a relapse she had had 9+ years at the time she was a sub. I’m a switch. I think I’m still figuring it out. This is not the first woman that I’ve met off of that life that has really messed with me. I’ve always struggled with depression mental illness longing for a relationship. I never had one. I was a virgin until I was 27 had a super dysfunctional first relationship. I was basically raped for about a year. But this woman came to my life around this time of year. The colors were changing and it’s just reminding me of all this stuff. I facilitated her going to rehab. I didn’t pay for it or anything, but I helped her when she decided to go when she got out we were together for a while and then she started going to therapy and doing ketamine again. I’m basically told me that we had never had a relationship thought it was just friends with benefits.That’s what hurt me the most. She told me that she had decided to become a seller that which I respect that and she just laughed. She’s also autistic, but I guess my question is is like.I was talking to her in July. She became so that May 30 and she was accusing me that it was all my fault because it was my job as a Dom to outline the scene. She was way more experienced in this than I was. I like to think that she loved me. I think she thinks she loved me, but she certainly never treated me like she loved me. I mean, sometimes she was the sweetest kindest person in the world and I just miss having someone care about me I don’t know how long these feelings are just gonna keep lasting. When I try to talk about it and other places, I just get caught in in Cell and I’m like maybe I could’ve been one when I was younger, but I was a fat kid. Nobody wanted to have sex with me. It was before body positivity. I just don’t understand this crazy world. I wish I knew how long these feelings will last if ever fade. I just want some timelines how long will this stuff keep popping back up? I’m trying to put myself back out there. Meet new people.But I just don’t understand I post my generator a certain extent stop doing things that I liked because she didn’t or I thought they might upset her like Hunting. I don’t know. I guess I wasn’t an abusive relationship. I just it’s just hard and thank you for having a place for me too be on people. If anybody needs any help with the alcoholism, can certainly point you to the right direction on how to get help and share with you what’s worked for me? What has it? I hope everybody has a wonderful week.

I am in therapy, but my appointment isnt for another week and its 9:56pm so I can't really contact my therapist, sadly its something i have been working on in therapy- which is why im able to recognize where the feeling is coming from right now- it's just the only thing i have in my corner for soothing isnt working, and trying to find other ways to try and self sooth- also I dont mind talking.

Therapy is a big help keeping in your mind that silences at least reasonable ones have normal explanations to them. Does a pretty good job at helping me deal with anxious attachment as well. If you are looking for someone to talk with I'm looking for someone to talk with too.

Youre so welcome have a beautiful Thanksgiving 🦃

Thank you @MissAnna