Overview

@BabyPoppy I understand all too well how you're feeling. Rest assured you're making the right choices. Healing is just a very twisty winding confusing road. But you have lots of people to weather the storm with you. Myself included

@Insanity_Stars_Birdie Thank you for your encouragement! I know about ACEs all too well from work, but recently had mine assessed formally at Mayo... I thought I was about an 8.... but when she did the full assessment, sge said I was a 10.... I cried... it was about a couple of months ago and I kinda shut down. I always told people I was a 4 - 6 depending on how well they knew me, because it really doesn't matter to most people. But to hear a psychologist ask all the questions and know as you're answering what they're saying about you is so overwhelming... then came questions about depression, anxiety, pain, OCD, mania.... but they were different at Mayo, deeper, more about why I felt the way I did, not just my symptoms... was the constant checking doors and windows being locked out of safety or out of a need to do the behavior... did I wash my hands immediately after getting home due to fear of getting sick because I did actually get really sick a lot, or because the act of washing my hands felt safe.... was I feeling sad and withdrawn all the time or primarily when my pain and health symptoms flared... All the pieces clicked onto place... I didn't have the hundreds of things the doctors worked to convince me of the past 25 years... I just had a really tough life, full of suffering and pain and I needed to be off 75% of the medications I was on, switch to more appropriate therapies, and build some in person social supports (fun). Thankfully I found the Forum here and all these wonderful people to be my online support community! I never would have made it through the past year without you! ❤️🥰 @bakedplushie Thank you for your support! I love DBT!!! I'm super awesome at distraction! Ummmm sorry I mean distress tolerance 🤭 and I think emotion regulation is getting better.... i would love to trade mindfulness ideas! Here we do relaxation for 30 minutes a day and I'm struggling! We do a movement group in the morning, too that's easier, but still difficult for me. I excell at deep breathing, but when I slow down to do it, I cry... which i need to do, but I don't like to do.... @Tendillo Thanks for the encouragement! I think everyone has struggles, but it is how we handle the journey that makes us who we are. @PocketDove I'm so sorry you have had similar struggles. Life is painful and unfair. I hope you have the support you need, and if not, I'll be happy to chat.... as soon as I complete therapy... 11 days til I go home.

Really well explained and I'm sorry for what you've had to overcome. I relate to a lot of what you're saying and just want to leave some good energy here for you. I hope you have the opportunities to breathe and take care of yourself this week.

i, too, often feel like i am too traumatized. i have endured so much in my life, and i am sorry you too, have endured. i found what has helped me most, with all the skills and tools i have gained and learned over far too many years, is interpersonal neurobiology. the woman i have learned most from really helped me rethink how i view my own trauma with a very simple statement: "trauma is a normal reaction to abnormal experiences." i don't know how or why exactly, but it changed so much for me to view my trauma not solely as just "bad stuff happened to me and now my brain and body are a mess," to "things i never should have experienced happened to me, and now i respond to things that remind me of these abnormal experiences i shouldn't have had to begin with in a way that makes sense for my particular relationship with trauma." also, please feel free to message anytime if you need a shoulder, a sounding board, or just an abyss to cry into. i personally have OCD and PTSD myself, and was misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder for several years. i'm not super well versed in CBT, but if you use DBT skills, i am always happy to participate (or learn skills you use!)

I don't claim to have much knowledge or experience of what you've endured , @BabyPoppy, but these words from @Insanity_Stars_Birdie struck a chord with me. I've often found that our route through life, to reach a particular destination, won't be a simple A to B, but seems to involve detours and challenges that feel so unwelcome and even unnecessary at the time, as we have to divert to other points to find our path, but... in the long run, even those seemingly backward steps are there for a reason, a lesson to learn or something helpful that we can only find by following those steps. We may not see the value of these detours at the time, but it eventually becomes clear in the longer run. We may see only a steep mountain to climb, but can find a more circuitous and ultimately easier way if we trust in ourself and keep believing.

Hi friend! I have these thoughts a lot too and you put it so beautifully. I have CPTSD and as a fellow educator I'm sure you've probably heard of ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences). Out of 10 I score an 8. Science tells us so much about what these do to our bodies Anything over 4 comes with severely heightened risk of physical side effects. Without trauma my illnesses would not be as progressed as they are. I get angry about it too. Its harder for us. Those of us who have so much trauma that doing all the right things doesn’t always work even. We've missed so much. There's so much to mourn that we didn't get to have. But you're absolutely right. There's always a road to recovery. We need to meet ourselves where we're at and celebrate every step. Big. Small. Forwards. Backwards. I'll say what I always say. Trauma healing, particularly complex trauma, is not a straight line. It's more like a scribbled page one might see from a child. Not too different from the inner child we're trying to heal. Keep doing what you're doing! And remember backwards steps are still steps! You'll move forward again soon

I have been stuck in my head this week with all the therapy I'm doing and I'm starting to wonder if I've just had too much trauma to be "typical"? I'm incredibly self-aware, I've done all the therapies, seen all the professionals, providers, learned all the science, the skills and supports necessary to recover. Currently I'm training my body to relax and calm down during stressful situations, something I need, but I'm also finding out how much all this trauma, stress, pain, and suffering have destroyed my physical body. I am trapped in the consequences of other people's bad choices and I feel angry!!!! Something I haven't felt before... I'm good at forgiveness, grace, mercy, understanding, compassion, but anger? Sadness? Regret for the loss of safety I rarely experienced? Is there too much trauma? Too much to overcome? Too much to truly recover from and be healthy? The short answer is no... I just need to accept where I'm at abd set my expectations appropriately. But the grieving is so painful. I missed so much, and now it looks so overwhelming. Poppy 💕

I am greatful for the last 19 years of my life with an amazing man. Today was my first day on this pilgrimage to celebrate our life together. I could sense his presence im so many things. Im also just greatful i had the courage to try. Traveling alone when you dont speak the language is not easy, but I am having fun.

Poppy, I'm so proud of you! Your putting in the work to get better and choosing to be greatful in a trying time. Three big hearts for you! 🩷🩷🩷 ~💛 Pichu

🩷 I'm greatful that I got to rest to today! 🩷 I'm greatful that ate some food. 🩷 I am greatful that I have my stuffies.

@babygurl397 I'm really sorry you're going through this. From what you've shared, it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. If someone spends hours talking with you, tells you they're on their way, makes it seem like plans are happening, and then suddenly disappears without any explanation, it's understandable that you'd feel confused, hurt, and disappointed. The hardest part is often not having answers. Right now, your mind is probably trying to fill in the blanks and wondering if you somehow caused this, but the truth is that none of us can know why he stopped responding. His lack of communication is a reflection of his choices, not your worth as a person. Your feelings are completely understandable. Anyone would feel lonely, anxious, and upset in this situation. Be gentle with yourself while you wait for clarity. You deserve honesty, respect, and consistent communication from someone who cares about you. I hope you get answers soon, but regardless of what happens, please remember that his silence does not define your value as a person, sub or little. Sending you a big hug and hoping you're able to lean on friends, family, or others who care about you while you get through this. ❤️

So true.

I totally get where you're coming from. Trying to manage stress can be overwhelming. Have you tried breaking tasks into smaller steps? It helps me feel less pressured and more in control.

It is not your fault! He's playing mind games. Don't let him do that to you! Just walk away and never look back cause this guy, is basically causing you emotional and mental abuse. Think how it would be if you actually got together! I don't think you'd want that. But even so, I want you to remember, you didn't do anything wrong, whatsoever! He's not Daddy material and this is something that happens more often then it should, for both sides of the coin. Hang in there! Not all Daddy's are like this. There are some really really good ones out there. You'll find the one (or he'll find you), you're suppose to be with eventually. It just takes patience. I hope you're okay. You came to the right place for help. Allot of people here have gone thru the same stuff and can help you.

This sounds very disconserting. Personally it seems like this is at his convenience and relationships of any kind shouldn't be about convenience. I am worried about you and these red flags. Please be safe. We are here if you need us.

I'm so sorry you're sitting in this situation. You deserve better. You deserve someone who will communicate at the very least. This is beyond the normal relationship issues of compatibility and baggage. Don't let your willingness to be a positive relational person lead you into being workable with unacceptable behaviors. I wouldn't work with this person.

Don't immediately blame yourself or think that it's somehow your fault. He sounds very inconsistent and quite unpredictable. Who would drive across states at the drop of a hat without even checking you'd be around or whether it's convenient for you? That's putting unnecessary pressure and worry on you and sounds like he's taking advantage of your feelings for him. Lies as well? Now he's ghosting you, not for the first time. Sorry, but you need to be clear with him next time you speak and tell him that this is unacceptable and, as BabyPoppy says, it's a big red flag. Please don't let this guy play you, or treat you this way. You deserve better, don't you?

Thank you I had thought a very similar thing as well as huge inconsistancys and lies i caught him in i never said anything about it but whats sad is he truely made me fall for him and each time ghosted me it seems like its super intentional at this point to be fair. Thank you tho i do try to be super safe and cautious.

This sounds kinda scary to me. Be careful. I think the inconsistency is a pretty big red flag. Keep yourself safe.

If a dom played me along like he enjoyed me but we were long distance and i ended up not hearing from him for a while and then out of no where he responded to me and said hey I am driving across multiple states to see you and we talked while he was driving the whole time and i was under the impression we were making plans but suddenly he wont pick up the phone or answer on the day he was supposed to show up and now im sitting here wondering if it was my fault and really depressed. Is it my fault? I am just confused, lonely and distraught so confused.

I found that pairing grounding techniques with some guidance from https://therly.ai/ , which offers an AI therapist, can be really helpful. It provides anonymous mental health support around the clock, helps you work through emotions, and teaches cognitive behavioral strategies. Plus, you get personalized advice based on your interactions. It's helped me to develop a few more coping strategies that fit well with grounding exercises.

I'm glad you achieved all of those things @BabyPoppy That's sounds like you had a really good day. I like that you took the time to speak with the hotel staff, who often get ignored.

Today i am grateful for lotsa stuff! - I went for a 15 minute walk today! Outside! - I went to eat at a restaurant, by myself! I had to walk there and it felt good to eat a healthy meal and be around people while I ate! - I colored outside! - I talked with the hotel staff! - I went swimming in the hot tub! - I followed my schedule! It was a good day! Poppy 💕

I'm sorry you are struggling so much! Sending you support from afar! I'm here to listen if you need that, too. Just know you are not alone.

Thanks @BabyPoppy for such an idea. Meditation doesn't typically work with me. There's too much going on in my head for it to be still for it. Unfortunately if I try to imagine one thing, whatever's going on follows through it and I can't block it out and then I start thinking of something else instead until it's something entirely different. Then I'm in my head all over again where I dont want to be unable to turn my brain off and I become more overwhelmed and anxious I can't get my own body to relax or sit still even if I wanted to or even sleep because of my insomnia, its just been difficult. I don't hate the idea, it's nice to hear a suggestion. it just that its not something that works for me even though I wish that it did so that maybe I could at least feel even the slightest bit better and not feel like I'm constantly suffocating.