what the difference between being with a controlling partner vs. a dom/daddy?

[arineunha]

i'm wondering about the difference because i'm curious mostly. I'm the ddlg dynamic can help two people come together and encourage them to have a strong bond. however, there's the rules/restrictions portion and the punishment where if it wasn't considered to be ddlg, it would be considered some form of abuse.

 

my boyfriend and i are in a relationship but isn't really considered to be ddlg, but we try alot of stuff. i think he cares but basically he called me a whiny, dependent, and clingy about a month ago, and almost broke up with me for it. that kind of changed me in a way, i don't really expect anything from him and i try to give him space to do whatever. now that he's in new york for a trip and im still in canada. He says he loves me and he says i look cute when i just woke up when i actually look terrible when we video chat, he says he's bringing me presents too. however, he seems to be too controlling now, he keeps messaging me asking why i don't reply immediately and why i act like i don't care. also he doesn't trust me to talk to any guys, i went on a beach trip and there were guys and girls. i talked to some of them because we were playing this game. He was like 'why are you talking to guy when i told you not too!" and i masturbated when he was away so he said " you're not allowed to masturbate without my permission." If you want to dye your hair or ever get a tattoo you better ask for my permission first. he expects a reply every 0-3 minutes, and i\m not allowed to type when i'm videochatting him. He says he needs to put rules and restrictions and i should obey him, idk about the consequences.  I feel like he changed alot from the last time, where he didn't care and now he cares alot all of a sudden.

 

[PrincessSacrifice]

That does sound like controlling and it is definitely something you can't let carry on Hun.

[Guest QueenJellybean]

The primary hard and fast rule I use for this stuff is basic consent.

 

If what he's doing is making you uncomfortable, you don't feel right about it, then it's not okay.

 

It's time to have a real conversation with him about what he's doing and how it makes you feel. Your feelings are valid, and trusting your gut is so importantly. If he refuses to listen or be respectful of your feelings, then you have every right to call him out on that.

[Guest NeedToServe]

Yep. Consent. That's it. Nothing else. With it, it's d/s etc, without it, it's abuse. To be honest I didn't read all your post, just the title. Edited July 31, 2016 by NeedToServe

[HeCallsMePrincess]

It's about consent. Your boyfriend is controlling. Huge difference. Also, we have rules generally for our own good.

[AngelineBaby]

people have to stop this immediateness of social media 

[Guest annemarie]

this sounds like he's abusing his power over you. you need to talk to him about it. maybe if he continues doing this you need to consider ending the relationship :/ you deserve better than someone who wants you to just do as they say without caring about your consent. 

[atxDD]

Consent consent consent - and also that means agreeing to your rules.  Lots of red flags and trust issues with this one.

[zzz]

Just want to add: consent means informed consent. It's not consent if you say yes but never had a chance to think about it rationally or make your own decisions, or didn't think or know that you can say no.

I spent 4 years in an abusive D/s relationship thinking I was consenting until I realized that i was only saying yes because I couldn't say no.

[Petal]

The rules and punishments in DDLG stuff are agreed upon by both parties in advance.  It's a kind of contract that both partners use in different ways: so the caregiver knows what is acceptable and consented, and so the little knows what is okay for the other to do without asking.  When you come up with these rules, both people need to agree 100%, not only on the rules but also their purpose.

 

If someone tries to create rules without your consent, that's abuse.  Making rules when you're vulnerable and can't consent properly is abuse.  Making demands and expecting you to follow them if you don't see any merit to the demand, that's abuse.

 

A lot of DDLG rules, IMO, are things that help the little.  Sometimes that takes away personal freedoms, sure, but sometimes that's what they need.  It's interesting, because I think the little is often the one that comes up with most of the rules, rather than the caregiver!  

 

tldr; Both parties have to want it.  100%.  That's consent.