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Is my relationship abusive?


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The following is a rather objective piece, gathered from many forum posts of people who do not know what to do or know what their relationship has become.


Nature of DD/LG


The nature of DD/LG is to guide and enrich both the lives of the Dominant and the Little. This is not a one sided relationship. This is not a relationship that is meant to be used to control or manipulate someone. Many posts on here allude to a relationship that is more fitting of a Master & Slave Dynamic. This is fine, as long as the consent is there.


While manipulation and abuse is often seen as a man abusing or manipulating a woman, we must accept that abuse and manipulation can happen to anyone from anyone.


While a majority of Doms would love for their Little to rely on them for every mundane task, this is not feasible nor is it healthy. I very often see insulting and ridiculous comments such as: “Littles should not do x.”

“You are a Little, you cannot do x.”

Littles are adults, they are fully capable and functioning human beings. As a Dom, once again, your task it to help nurture and enrich your Little. Don’t encourage them to become mentally and emotionally reliant on you, this is counterproductive and at times abusive. Help them become the productive members of society you know they can be.


As a Little it is also up to you to gain independence. Being a Caregiver is a very difficult and draining job. You cannot expect someone to make your every decision for you. This is equally draining and abusing what a Caregiver is. If there is some part of normal life you struggle with (making phone calls, socializing, doing school work) talk to your Caregiver about how they can HELP you with these things.

Note that being a helpless damsel in distress is fun for play time and Little Space but not something that should be encouraged for daily life.



Consent is the most important aspect of any relationship. Consent is when both parties agree upon something, this relates to rules, punishments, daily interactions and sexy time. Just because you have consented to something it the past does not mean you have to consent now.

Just because someone consented to something before does not mean they are obligated to consent now. Feelings and situations can and will change. If you find yourself uncomfortable with something you once consented to, use your Safe Word. This is a wonderful and informative video on consent, please give it a watch (NSFW) Click here.


Safe words

A safe word is something that needs to be created in the beginning of a relationship. Think of a safe word as your Life Raft. This word/term means it is time to pause the dynamic. This shuts down whatever play is happening and allows the two of you to discuss what is going on. If you are uncomfortable or nervous  with where a situation is heading, use your Safe Word. A Safe Word must at all times be honored. If someone uses a Safe Word, it is your job to discuss that with them. Do not blame yourself or the other person, do not get angry, listen to them and respect their decision.


Positive reinforcement vs control

Punishment should fit the crime. Punishment must be agreed upon by both parties beforehand.

Punishment should fit the crime. Punishment must be agreed upon by both parties beforehand.

Punishment should fit the crime. Punishment must be agreed upon by both parties beforehand.

I really hope that has sank into any one reading this. It is that important.


Harsh rules or punishments that were not previously agreed upon. Different strokes for different folks, many may like the following punishments and that is okay as long as both parties agreed to it.

Examples of controlling and abusive punishments

  • Taking away the right to bathe or shower

  • Taking away the right to eat

  • Taking away communication (with partner or anyone else, this includes friends or family members)

  • Taking away lights

  • Taking away clothing

  • Taking away the right to use the bathroom

  • Taking away social interaction (ie going online, going to a friends house, visiting family members)

If it takes away a basic human necessity, it is abusive.


No one can foresee the future. There most likely will come a time when you see a new rule or punishment should be implemented. That is okay! But first you must talk to your partner about it. You cannot decided to enforce a new rule without your partner knowing, people can’t read minds, they can’t possibly know what they did wrong and cannot be expected to accept a punishment added for no conceivable reason.


Manipulation Tactics:

  • Threatening self harm. This is a popular trend in all forms of relationships, it a powerful and usually successful. Using a threat of self harm is not okay. It is abuse and it is a tactic for controlling someone. You should be able to talk to your partner if you are feeling upset, hurt or depressed but bringing it up as a way to keep someone around is NOT okay.

“If you do x I am going to do x to myself”

“If you ever leave me I am going to x


  • Verbal abuse. When you tell someone something enough, they will start to believe it. Never underestimate the power of your words and the effect they can and will have on others. This can work in a good or bad way.

“You are ugly”, “No one will love you”, “You are stupid”, “I wish I never met you”


“You are beautiful”,”I love you”, “You are intelligent”, “I am happy you are in my life”


  • Making you feel guilty over commonplace and simple, small things. Guilt is a powerful emotion and can have a person doing things they wouldn’t ordinarily do to please someone. If you find yourself no longer able to do normal things like see your friends, visit family, go out, enjoy healthy hobbies you previously had,  etc without feeling overwhelming guilt from your partner, this is not okay.

  • Gas Lighting. Gas Lighting is very common in any type of relationship. It is a gradual process with devastating effects. It essentially causes a person to question their feelings, emotions and sanity. For a more in depth look at Gas Lighting please read this article. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted

  • Getting angry about small things, or things beyond your control.


If you are in an abusive relationship, close proximity or LDR help is out there.

  • National Child Abuse Helpline: 1-800-422-4453
  • National Domestic Violence Crisis Line: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
  • National Domestic Violence Hotline (TDD): 1-800-787-32324
  • Center for the Prevention of School Violence: 1-800-299-6504
  • Domestic Violence Helpline: 1-800-548-2722
  • Healing Woman Foundation (Abuse): 1-800-477-4111
  •  Women’s Aid National Domestic Violence Helpline: (UK Only) 0345 023 468
  •  Sexual Abuse Centre: (UK Only) 0117 935 1707
  •  Sexual Assault Support (24/7, English & Spanish): 1-800-223-5001
  •  Relationships Australia: 1300-364-277
  • Rape Abuse & Incest National Network or 800-656-HOPE (4673)
  • Abuse Not: 0808 8005015 (UK)
  • Women’s Aid National (UK)
  • Domestic Violence Helpline 0345 023 468 (UK)
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