Friends

[GenuineEnglish]

A problem has arisen in our relationship that I have never experienced before so I would love your thoughts.  I am always very accepting of my Little having friends. I actively encourage it & want her to go out etc.  Especially as it's a distance relationship I totally appreciate her need for friends.

 

She has one special friend that has been her support for years.  On Sunday night we were enjoying that lovely bedtime talk & she said that she had to go as her friend had a problem with his X Box.  She was gone for an hour & needless to say it killed the mood.

 

We were chatting during the day on Monday & she said how much she was missing me & was looking forward to talking. I changed my schedule & told her when I would be home & then updated her so she knew that I was about be there.  I messaged her, eagerly awaiting to hear her voice & she replied that she is talking to the same friend & that he doesn't feel well.  She finally stopped talking to him one hour later.

 

I will admit that I wasn't happy.  I felt that she should of said to him that I was home & she would call him back.  I had introduced a rule saying that the last two hours of the day are our private time except in special circumstances.  She says that talking to her friend is non negotiable & she will talk with him whenever she wishes.

 

So what do you think ?

Edited October 18, 2016 by GenuineEnglish

[Akuma]

Sounds like you're in a bit of an awkward position, honestly.

On one hand, I don't see anything wrong with your point of view and it sounds as if she is not respecting your wishes. Asking for just two hours of time together seems very, very reasonable. Especially if it had been planned out previously.

On the other hand.. Trying to push somebody away from spending time with their friend tends to only make things a bit tense in general. And asking somebody to pick between an old friend and a new relationship can turn out quite badly in many ways.

 

Assuming you've directly brought it up to her, from what you wrote.. And she shut down any form of negotiation.. You're going to have to weigh your options. Do you trust her? Can you live with there being somebody with whom she will perhaps pick first to talk with? If not, you'll need to definitely be a bit more open to her about how it is making you feel and see how she reacts to that. A relationship of any kind should be based on mutual understanding and respect for each others wishes.

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

His xbox needed fixed right then? He couldn't wait until the next day? Okay, so even if those are both true, which I doubt because I don't see how he couldn't wait a few hours to play his Xbox if he couldn't figure out how to fix it himself... when she told you she missed you, and you as her Daddy decided to fix the situation and adjust your schedule to get home early to talk to her, then gave her plenty of notice that you were nearly home... she should have told her friend she had to go.

 

If you can drop things to spend time with her, she should be able to do the same thing...

[GenuineEnglish]

Yes, even though she betrayed my trust before, I do trust her in the sense that I know that she isn't in a relationship with him. I have been here before because it's not uncommon for friends to question why a Little is even talking to, let alone pleasing, a Daddy. I suspect that her friend is saying that she can do as she likes which is true.

 

As for being open, I tell her constantly how I feel. But because of her lack of self confidence she simply doesn't believe me.

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

To me, what she did was disrespectful. She left during your private time, then you adjusted your schedule because she missed you, and she still chose her friend over you. I'm not sure what to do for sure, but I don't feel like the relationship can be strong as long as she is choosing this friend over you.

[GenuineEnglish]

I don't think that she consciously put him before me. I think that he has been her one constant for many troubled years. I don't think that she has ever been loved before. She has always said that she is scared that I will leave her. I have done all I can to dispel this but it's like she wants to make it happen to validate her belief.

[Guest QueenJellybean]

This is a tough situation, one which I've been on both sides of before. As someone who has a really hard time saying no to people, and is a self-proclaimed people pleaser, it could very well be that your partner feels obligated or guilty when she doesn't reply or talk to her friend. I've certainly been in those situations before and they aren't fun to be in.

 

Have you ever sat down and talked to her about why she feels that this particular friend requires so much time and attention? Reassure her that you won't be angry, you just want to understand a little better. This might give you some insight on how to ease the situation.

 

What she's doing certainly isn't fair to you, and I can see why it's frustrating. But I can also understand, if I'm reading the situation correctly, how she's feeling too. I think you have every right to express to her how it makes you feel when she blatantly disregards your wishes for someone who isn't in a relationship with her. I wish you the best of luck, and let us know how it turns out! 

[Johnny Hammersticks]

Its lovely when a CG wants nothing else than to take care of their little, but its an ancient Taoist principal that you must take care of yourself first before you can truly take care of others.

 

Id make a little friend or two, and if that business with her keeps up, suggest an open relationship.

[Daddybears PLB]

I totally agree with all the other comments here and they said it way better than I could.

I really hope you can figure things out and she lets herself trust you to guide and build her confidence up.

But think of you too and don't worry you sound like you're doing all you can...it is a two way street so your hands are tied to a certain extent!!

Positive thoughts being sent your way

Please let us know how it goes.

[GenuineEnglish]

Thanks for all your kind words & advice. She definitely isn't a pleaser. She is just very mixed up. One day she says that she loves me & is scared that I will leave. Literally the next day she is suddenly unsure & doesn't think that it's what she wants. All that happened in between was the x box incident which she now says wasn't the problem.

 

She would deny it but my gut feeling is that she is listening to others who are putting her off. We all know how hard it is to find friends that you would trust to understand DDbg.

 

I am giving her time & making it clear that I am willing to talk anytime. She loved talking, we would talk for hours & hours. The fact that she won't talk makes me wonder about outside influences.

[Beasourous]

Does her close friend (the one mentioned) knows about your relationship? cos it does seems like she has made her priorities and you arent the first in the list. I would say to have a nice, gentle talk with her and let her understand how all this is affecting you.. Open communication is important cos if feelings is bottled up, it will lead to alot of unhappiness.. 

[Guest SifuTheWolf]

I myself am extremely territorial/possessive and my babygirl likes it that way, I do not allow her to chat with other Daddies,Doms, guys in general, other than one gay friend that lives in another country she has known since high school. She talks to plenty of guys at her job etc but she isn't allowed to have any kind of relationship/friendship with any guy that involves regular conversation without my approval. In return I do not friend any Littles,subs, or women in general in real life or on any of my social media. I encourage her to make subby/little friends and I in return only accept friend request from other Daddies/Doms. It keeps both of us happy, there is nobody's company I enjoy more than hers and I don't want any of her time that could be spent devoted to me being spent talking with some other guy. We come first in each others lives with the exception being her children.

[LoralieHaze]

Thanks for all your kind words & advice. She definitely isn't a pleaser. She is just very mixed up. One day she says that she loves me & is scared that I will leave. Literally the next day she is suddenly unsure & doesn't think that it's what she wants. All that happened in between was the x box incident which she now says wasn't the problem.

 

She would deny it but my gut feeling is that she is listening to others who are putting her off. We all know how hard it is to find friends that you would trust to understand DDbg.

 

I am giving her time & making it clear that I am willing to talk anytime. She loved talking, we would talk for hours & hours. The fact that she won't talk makes me wonder about outside influences.

 

I feel compelled to ask a couple of questions that you might not want to answer. 1) How old is this girl? I'm getting an overall vibe here that she might not be ready for a relationship, which isn't dependent upon age although it is a factor. 2) How long have the two of you been in this relationship? In one of your previous posts, you said it happened in an instant and I'm wondering if you both rushed into things which might indicate that neither of you are ready for this relationship.

 

Maybe she's having second thoughts? Have you had an in-depth discussion about this yet? Did you already try what Belle suggested?

Edited October 19, 2016 by LittleKittenLo

[GenuineEnglish]

I am not revealing too much because I suspect that she is reading this & I respect her privacy. I posted specifically about friends. Needless to say I would totally respect any girl's wishes & I certainly don't think that she is to blame in any way.

[LoralieHaze]

I am not revealing too much because I suspect that she is reading this & I respect her privacy. I posted specifically about friends. Needless to say I would totally respect any girl's wishes & I certainly don't think that she is to blame in any way.

 

Well, if she is reading this, I'd love to hear her side of the story to get a better picture of what's going on.

 

What you've posted so far in this thread and the post I quoted above seem contrary to me. She wishes to speak to her friend, someone she has known for years longer than she has known you, for two hours and you don't appear to be respecting that, even though she already made it clear that it's non-negotiable. Furthermore, if you don't blame her in any way, then I don't think you would be discussing this topic, at least not in the way that you are presently. I'm sensing an unwillingness from you in regards to having an open, honest, adult conversation with her about this issue, but that is the only way that it can be solved.

[GenuineEnglish]

If you read my comments I have totally encouraged her to have friends, make friends & talk to friends. I would willingly talk all day & night. She would say that I am a really good listener.

 

If, as I suspect, she has changed her mind then I totally respect her decision. She is a lovely girl & I would only wish the best for her.

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

He doesn't have an issue with her talking to her friend, at least that's not the way I took it. He just wants her to respect the fact that he has asked the last two hours of the night be theirs. And even after she didn't do that, she stated she missed him and wanted to talk. He changed his plans to make that a priority and she chose to talk to her friend instead.

 

I agree a lot has been left unanswered here, and I would love further information, however I don't see him as disrespecting her. My point of view though.

 

I also don't see how giving a little more information would not be respecting her privacy. We don't need a name, and unless she tells us who she is, I doubt very seriously that the few details that LittleKittenLo asked for will really reveal her identity.

[Michael]

She has one special friend that has been her support for years.  On Sunday night we were enjoying that lovely bedtime talk & she said that she had to go as her friend had a problem with his X Box.  She was gone for an hour & needless to say it killed the mood.

 

You really believe she was helping him with his Xbox? 

 

I think she only hits you up when she's bored and needs affection (i.e when. she's not getting attention from her "friend"). That's just my opinion though. 

[GenuineEnglish]

You are very wrong. I totally understand why she would want to help him.

[Daddy's_Babygirl]

I believe she probably was helping him. I have a very close friend (although female) who has been there with me through the toughest times in my life. We've been friends for a decade. My Daddy knows if she needs me, I'll drop everything. She does the same for me though.

 

The only part I really take issue with is the fact that she left you again after you changed your schedule.

 

I guess I'm confused though... what is your question/what are you hoping to gain from this post? It seems every time someone says something, you disagree with them... sorry if these comes off as rude, I'm just confused.

[GenuineEnglish]

I was simply seeking opinions as to how people deal with the issue of friends & the influence that they have. I didn't want it to be a post mortem.

[Guest ZenDD]

I must play devil's advocate here.

 

I remember that just a couple of weeks ago, you posted that you had just entered into a wonderful relationship and that it had all "happened in an instant". You even described it as "utter perfection." Now there's a problem in this "perfect" situation. I'm really sorry to hear that, but I can't help but feel that you are expecting a lot of commitment out of such a new relationship. The fact that you are already implementing rules seems that you are really rushing things. 

 

You say she's "mixed up", but I don't blame her. I think she's being rushed into a D/s relationship when you obviously don't know enough about each other to enter that kind of a commitment yet. You're right in that she doesn't seem to be completely receptive to your rules, but how could she be when they're being implemented so soon? And also, you mentioned that her 'two-hours-of-time-with-you-every-night' rule wasn't being followed and was shortened one time, which "killed the mood". That sounds to me like your required 2 hours are for nightly naughty time, and you were perturbed that you didn't get it that night. I don't understand how you could be setting rules to receive naughty attention from "your" little every night already, when she obviously isn't even sure about making a full commitment with you yet. Even if she said she was ready and that it was what she wanted, you, being the older and experienced one should know to slow it down and be careful with the emotions involved.

 

She's understandably confused, and maybe she is irresponsible and not being completely honest, maybe she's playing you, I really don't know. But what I do know is that you seem to be demanding an awful lot from someone you just met, and who apparently has little-to-no experience with the kind of dynamic you seek. Then you say you respect her privacy, and that she's reading this post, yet, with all due respect, you've been insulting her here by describing her as "mixed up", and saying "she definitely isn't a pleaser." Frankly, you seem as mixed up as you say she is.

 

I think you're both confused and not prepared for how fast you want this to go. You seem a bit paranoid about outside influences affecting your relationship, too, as though she can't think for herself. Maybe her doubt is coming from within herself, and not being put their by anyone else. And if her friend is convincing her that this situation might not be a good one, he could be right because you are significantly older and apparently more experienced than this person, yet you seem to not be very patient or understanding with her confusion and apprehension. Good luck to both of you. 

Edited October 20, 2016 by ZenDD

[GenuineEnglish]

I would never push a relationship faster than the other person is comfortable with. She wanted the rules & kept asking for me to implement them.

 

I am saying that she is mixed up because during hours of discussion I have listened to her problems. We have discussed her issues & worked together to resolve them. You & others paint a picture of me almost exploiting her. I have never & would never do that.

 

I am not a beginner at this. I know that I am a really good Daddy. I have remained good friends with previous Littles.

[GenuineEnglish]

By the way the only reason that I created the other thread was to try & reassure her that I wouldn't leave. I knew that I was probably setting my self up for an almighty fall ☺️

[Guest ZenDD]

I would never push a relationship faster than the other person is comfortable with. She wanted the rules & kept asking for me to implement them.

 

I am saying that she is mixed up because during hours of discussion I have listened to her problems. We have discussed her issues & worked together to resolve them. You & others paint a picture of me almost exploiting her. I have never & would never do that.

 

I am not a beginner at this. I know that I am a really good Daddy. I have remained good friends with previous Littles.

 

You're the Dom, and a participant in this relationship, yet you aren't taking any responsibility for any of the problems. You seem to be constantly playing a victim's role. Everything seems to be her fault, or the fault of her friends and "outside influences." That concerns me. This makes you seem either manipulative (consciously or subconsciously) or unaware. For example, you say that you'd never push more than someone is comfortable with, and yet you said "One day she says that she loves me & is scared that I will leave. Literally the next day she is suddenly unsure & doesn't think that it's what she wants...She loved talking, we would talk for hours & hours. The fact that she won't talk makes me wonder about outside influences." By your own description, does this sound like someone who is "comfortable?" 

 

As I said in my previous response, just because she wanted the rules and asked that you implement them doesn't mean you should. A Daddy Dom should be able to see the larger picture, analyze the situation better, and through sufficient time and properly familiarizing yourself with a little's psychological and emotional state, then, and only then, can you make the determination if a little/sub is ready to proceed with further participation and commitment, much less submission, psychologically and physically. That could take two weeks of focused research, or it could take two months, or two years. Every little is different. Obviously, in your case, two weeks was not enough.

 

Your claim of "utter perfection" in this relationship two weeks ago, a week later saying you'd been betrayed, and now saying she's being influenced negatively by her friends is a lot of emotional drama for a relationship in such a short period of time. This should be a very clear indication of a rushed relationship. In fact, it can't get more clear than that. There's been no time for the building of structure, or of trust. There has been a lack of helping create an environment of esteem, mutual respect, and emotional safety. And yet the sexual side has already been present. I know you don't want to hear it, but this is a complete lack of a proper foundation, and as the Daddy Dom, that lies squarely on you. 

 

Not only are you playing the eternal victim from her and her "outside influences," now you are portraying yourself a victim to people here, including me, who "paint a picture of me almost exploiting her." And you are now adding the role of martyr when you said, "By the way the only reason that I created the other thread was to try & reassure her that I wouldn't leave. I knew that I was probably setting my self up for an almighty fall." This idea that you are doing everything right, and yet somehow she is either ungrateful, unwilling, unprepared, unfocused, dishonest, or confused is not a realistic or healthy way of looking at a relationship and your participation in it. If you really see it that way, then let her go and move on. It may not be easy to do, but in the larger scheme of things, It's only been two weeks and, according to you, the relationship has already suffered from some big issues.

 

"I was simply seeking opinions as to how people deal with the issue of friends & the influence that they have. I didn't want it to be a post mortem."  Maybe you exposed more than you thought you did. Maybe the issue isn't what you think it is, or what you want it to be. Maybe "friends' influence" has little, or nothing, to do with your issues. You asked for opinions on your situation. And that means you have to be willing to hear critique of your own participation, too. You can't just expect everyone to automatically take your side and say what a great Daddy you are and what an ungrateful little she's being. That's not how asking for opinions or advice works. Especially since we're only getting one side of the story. It would be irresponsible of us here to only take your truth as the complete truth, and to only tell you what we think you might want to hear. As supporters of our community and its participants, it is our duty to tell you what we see when you ask for our perspective. If you don't want well-rounded, open-minded, unbiased opinions or advice, from all angles, then you probably shouldn't share your issues.

 

You have to be willing to examine your own motives and techniques, too. And as the Daddy, and as the Dom, I think you need to take more responsibility for the quick pace of this relationship, the lack of clarity in the communication, and the lack of clarity of concept. You don't lack in confidence, that's for sure, as you say that "I am not a beginner at this. I know that I am a really good Daddy. I have remained good friends with previous Littles," but maybe it could behoove you to have a bit of humility, and to take a step back and reassess this situation, your plan, and your guidance of that plan. I really wish you both the best of luck.

Edited October 20, 2016 by ZenDD