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How to deal with a Little taking rules from another?


Enigma

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Alright guys, so this is a little bit of a story-time, but I want your opinions and advice at the end. Since my relationship with my first Little ended quite a while back, I figured that I should try and learn from my mistakes through the experience of others who may have advice to offer, with that said, here goes:

 

So me and my Little had been getting into a few arguments up until this point, and we were both giving each other time to calm down before we addressed any of what made us argue, because all we really wanted to do was talk about what had happened and try to come up with a plan to prevent it in the future, however, during our few days apart, he posted in a Discord chat we were both in that a "Dear friend" had come back into his life. At first, I was pretty excited. He got to meet my friends, but I rarely ever met his. His friend joined the server and we talked and got along well at first, and he even told me in private he was aware of what a DDlg relationship was, so my first reaction was, "Cool, a person my Little and I don't have to be shy around."

 

Except it... wasn't that easy. 

 

See, my Little informed me that this "Dear Friend" (who will be referred to as "Magikarp"), was his FIRST Daddy, and at first, this didn't bother me, until the three of us were in a Skype call and I caught small little hints of him trying to sneak himself in.

 

Apparently, my Little had neglected to tell Magikarp about the fact that I was his Daddy. I found this out one night when we were all playing League of Legends and it hit around 11 pm, and he told my Little that "it's time for you to go to bed.", despite the fact that I already had a rule for his bedtime set at 12 am. When I messaged him privately to ask about it, I was informed that this person had approached my Little and apparently was trying to enforce his own rules.

 

And my Little was going along with them

 

Needless to say, I was thoroughly furious, and when I told him this wasn't okay, he became frustrated and refused to talk to me about it, and continued to take rules from him, and so I waited until the next day to confront him about this, and he again blew it off as if he wanted nothing to do with being unhappy that he was letting another do this.

 

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My question is, why did this happen? Is there anything I could have done about it? Was I in the wrong to be unhappy with this?

 

This event is what set off the chain reaction to us splitting up in the first place, so I'm really hoping I can figure out what happened here so it doesn't happen in the future.

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Sounds like plain old lack of loyalty. As long as you two had already discussed that the two of you were exclusive, there is no reason for your ex little to think it was okay to take rules from someone else. Honestly its more common sense than anything. Sounds like your little didn't care to stick with one person, if that was so, they should have been honest and up front with it. From what you've said, I don't see where you went wrong.

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Sounds like plain old lack of loyalty. As long as you two had already discussed that the two of you were exclusive, there is no reason for your ex little to think it was okay to take rules from someone else. Honestly its more common sense than anything. Sounds like your little didn't care to stick with one person, if that was so, they should have been honest and up front with it. From what you've said, I don't see where you went wrong.

That's what bothers me. When we first started dating, he made it very clear he was interested in a strictly monogamous relationship, but then when this second person came around, right before we split up, he said "I wish you could both be my daddies".

 

He was sending me multiple mixed signals, and I couldn't understand any of them (I tried asking him to help me understand by explaining, and he simply brushed me off).

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Firstly,sorry to hear that you went through that heartache. Secondly,I might be new to DDlg but even I know that a little shouldn't take rules from anyone other than their daddy if they already are in an established relationship unless they were in polyamory relationship,so It wasn't your fault to get upset if you discussed before that you guys were exclusive.
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I'm sorry to hear that this has happened to you Enigma. That's really rough.

 

It's the absolute worst when us introspective people who are capable of admitting they are sometimes wrong and try to learn from their mistakes are confronted by a situation where we can't tell if its our fault or not. My heart goes out to you, sincerely.

 

In this instance I think its fairly clear that your Little had issues with their loyalty, and there is not a thing you could have done that could have prevented it. You are most certainly not in the wrong for being upset by this. Your Little should want to show you off to the world as their Dom wherever they can. It sounds as if there was some unresolved feelings for this other party and unfortunately you were caught in the middle.

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Guest ~*~Sachita~*~

...right before we split up, he said "I wish you could both be my daddies".

 

There is a chance that your Little was pushing for a threesome.  Books, like the Falls Chance Ranch series, can make the idea of having several dominants very enticing.

 

Or he was trying to make you jealous.  I would never call my ex a "Dear friend", especially where my current Daddy could see/hear.  A Little in their late teens or early twenties might do this to try to "poke the bear" and provoke a reaction from you.  It was inappropriate for him to not immediately tell you when he was contacted by a previous Daddy; the question you should be asking is why did he not feel comfortable telling you?

 

 

Is there anything I could have done about it?

 

It sounds like communication was difficult towards the end.  The only thing you can do in a situation like that is to keep the channels of communication open.  You mentioned that you became  "thoroughly furious" when your Little told you something.  When I am stressing out about something or am worried about hurting Daddy's feelings I tell myself, "I can't tell him about this, he'll get mad at me."  When I tell my Daddy something difficult, I want to be reassured and comforted - even if punishment is warranted.  If he does get mad, it is a validation that I was right in the first place and that it is OK to hide/avoid things if it means I don't get in trouble.

 

That being said, refusal to talk would be one of my biggest no-no's; allowing that behavior is the same as handing control to the Little.

 

 

You sound like a logical person who like time to think things over, I am the same way.  One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is that not everyone is like that; some people like to fight/yell/talk it out, no matter how messy it gets.

 

Good luck with future relationships.

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You mentioned that you became  "thoroughly furious" when your Little told you something.  When I am stressing out about something or am worried about hurting Daddy's feelings I tell myself, "I can't tell him about this, he'll get mad at me."  When I tell my Daddy something difficult, I want to be reassured and comforted - even if punishment is warranted.  If he does get mad, it is a validation that I was right in the first place and that it is OK to hide/avoid things if it means I don't get in trouble.

I understand where you're coming from, but I think I disagree (for the most part. I do agree that having a level head and being patient is a good trait for a CG to have). I think it would have been different if @Enigma hadn't specifically mentioned that he was NOT okay with polyamory from the start. My SO and I have talked about what would happen if one of us were to cheat on the other, and we've mutually agreed that if one of us were to cheat on the other, we would break up. That's because we know that we value each other more than anyone else. There's no excuse for something like cheating, especially when it's such a big deal.

 

This behavior doesn't just warrant punishment, it's something that could potentially (and DID) end a relationship. I think that @Enigma had every right to be angry in this situation, and it's to be expected. If I was doing this to my daddy, I would expect him to get mad at me! Simple common sense would tell you that cheating on another person is a big no-no. This is no longer a ddlg thing, it's a relationship thing. Even the most level-headed people would respond in a negative way towards this, ddlg or not. Especially since this was already something that was discussed.

 

I also want to reiterate that I don't think it's bad advice to tell someone they should try to keep a level head and be patient. I just think that @Eginama's actions were justified. Their ex was entirely in the wrong. I don't think they could have done anything to save the relationship, it's just that their ex was not loyal to them and wanted different things.

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