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Fears and Anxieties


FriesianStallion001

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I've been in a DDlg relationship for 6 months now. It started out as a bdsm liaison for experimenting and exploration (we met on SA) but gradually and unexpectedly transformed into a full and rich DDlg relationship. This transformation has deepened and expanded our connection and closeness in profound and unexpected ways: she calls our relationship a large grab basket of goodies. Neither of us began the bdsm liaison with the intention of forming such an intense bond, and now that the bond is formed we don't want it broken. I have discovered for the first time in my life that my true nature is DD: I’m a protector, guardian, care and comfort giver, mentor, advisor, councillor, friend, lover, companion, disciplinarian as well as all the other characteristics that go with conventional bdsm dominant roles. She has always known she was a little and a true submissive and has found that all that I have to offer her is everything that she needs and wants...for now. (For now, because our relationship is realistically non-sustainable. Even though it is serious, committed, and envisioned as long term, we accept that our relationship has an expiration date, a day when it will have to end.) Even so, we are plagued by fears and anxieties about abandonment and loss, her because she fears I might leave her because I will tire of her, get fed up, lose patience, me by the same (as well as fears of betrayal: I am monogamous, she is open). I really don't have a solution for how we are to deal with such feelings—they run so deep—except that when they do come up to the surface that we communicate them and reassure each other. We have a long thread of text messages in which such reassurances have been exchanged over the months, and when we are together such reassurances are always augmented by spoken word and physical gesture. And yet the fears remain on both sides. Even though every day is one day closer to the end, I would really like each of those days to be lived on the basis of total trust and confident belief that we are meant to be together...for now...

 

How do you as DDs and lgs cope with such a situation?

Edited by FriesianStallion001
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May I ask why your relationship has to end? I'm kind of confused by that. Granted, I'm not super active in the bdsm community so I don't know what SA is or what exactly a bdsm liaison is. Even if this just started as an experiment, if you two really have grown this close together, why do you feel the need to separate? What do you mean by your relationship is non-sustainable? You are in control of your life, and if you want something enough you can make it work.

 

Really my best advice for trusting each other is simply to talk about it. It sounds like you text frequently, but face to face (or calling if that's not an option) is always better. I don't know of an easy way around it. Telling each other "I'm concerned about __" and finding ways to solve your fears.

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I agree with Cuppycakes. Why does it have to be "for now"?.

I believe that people are happier when they commit to eachother in marriage. It eliminates the anxieties you both have. It is also God's design for intimate relationships, to make them safe, healthy and strong.

 

For you to marry eachother, however, you must trust eachother. You must work out these fears. If you promise to love her for better or for worse til death do us part, that should give her the assurance she needs. However, for you to have the assurance you need, she must promise to be monogamous. She must be fulfilled by only you.

 

My Daddy (BigDaddyDaddy) believes it is a double standard for her to demand reassurance of commitment from you, but for her to leave you emotionally whenever she engages other partners. It is a repeated abandonment. Maybe if you show her this, she will understand your fear and hurt.

But if she will not see that she must be only yours, or if she only promises begrudgingly, then I discourage you from marrying her or continuing the relationship. Even though you must care for her deeply, she will continue to hurt you by these selfish decisions.

True love trusts and is satisfied by it's object.

Edited by LilPetPet
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  • 3 weeks later...
This is something I know to well of as I suffer from relationship anxiety. There are questions that constantly run through my mind and sometimes I would act on them out of fear which would never be the case. The fear of loss is something especially after you have fallen way too deep and in such a dynamic or in LDR you kind of teach yourself to fall deep because at any moment you could find yourself alone. However I have a great daddy who speak to about how I feel, he gives me the space I need and is understanding and willing to talk about anything. There are no certainties or guarantees that this is it so focus on the moments you create now, those memories live on. Focus on how happy you make each other. Live in the now. My daddy has MS and he knows that nothing is for certain but there is anything I have learnt from him is that life is to short to focus on negativity.
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One of my sisters is happy married to her husband who is becoming her dom slowly as h was never fully in the life. She is poly and he is not. But they love each other and they understand that together they are stronger and happier. I get it, if she cannot find it in her to want to be monogamous and you cannot find it in you to be happy and let her be poly than it might end.

 

Here's my take, you two sound like you love each other very much but are letting the fears rule you.  They are legitimate fears. I have the same fears about my Daddy (The Daddy on here) that he will someday see that I'm too broken too clingy too far away, too liberal (Cali girl with a non Cali guy) but the truth is we love each other and we are willing to understand one another. The other part is, she is your little she will respect you and your wishes and you are her Daddy you respect and understand her. The fears are there but don't dwell on them. It may be that she will find herself completely satisfied with you as Daddy and not have the need nor want to be ploy. That will be on her to decide as my sister (not blood) has with her hubby. The important part is just to love her, cherished her and let her decide.We women are smart and we littles are a a bit smarter. Just be what you are, a good Daddy.

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