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Can shattered trust ever be rebuilt


LovesSparkles
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I was in a ldr my first daddy, until last night. Last night I found out that, although we had supposedly exclusive and he asked me to be collard by him, he is still married and lives in the same house as his wife. He claims that they are "just roommates". I broke it off with him, but said we could be friends. I don't trust him at all right now. Anyone been through something like this? Is there anyway to get back what we had? Fyi I am a sexual little and we had be fun discussing the fact that we wanted to be in the same area. Feeling heartbroken, confused, betrayed and lost. Advice?
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Guest Ginger

Sounds like my first ex, blegh. Honestly if he's still married, either try to get proof that he's told his wife about you and she's ok with it, or cut it off completely. It's no good to the both of you to keep the relationship a secret from his wife, despite him saying they're just "roommates". It's sounds like a load of baloney to me, but then again, I don't know him and you do.

 

I honestly blocked my ex on everything immediately when I found out he was already in a relationship and I'd been the "side chick". He felt regretful about it when he broke up with the girl and tried to contact me, but nah, didn't happen. I really found just having him out of my life completely really, really helped me heal and get past when he'd done to me. Also having a good support system of friends/family helped.

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Sorry, for all the typos in the first post. I've been a little weepy today. I have sent a message to the wife in question. Just hoping she responds.
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I personally wouldn't ever be able trust someone after they violated it, especially in such a big way. I do think that you shouldn't even deal with him again after such a horrible thing but I know that can be difficult. He sounds 100000% no good and you should stop talking to him, you deserve better
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Its upsetting to think that there are people who lie and abuse trust like this. I used to think it was because people enjoyed hurting one another for a while after my last heartbreak. Now I just believe that some people are innately less empathetic than others. Like its not that they disregard our feelings its that they just don't consider them. Of course I'm most likely wrong. I guess the only thing I can say is the old cliche. It gets easier. It hurts less. You will trust again. I know that's no help at all but were all here if you need us.
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I'm sorry to hear what you've been put through :(

Sounds like he wasn't honest from the get go and that can be very difficult to overcome. I wouldn't trust him right now, no. If it's worth your time, maybe give a few weeks or more to see if anything changes, if things improve, or if the truth comes out. 

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Guest Mittens

Ah, interesting. I went through something recently as well that is trust related and I have been struggling to find an answer myself. I feel i have properly found my answer and i truly hope that my answer or anyone elses answer here could help you. Forgive me ahead of time if this is long.

 

So I met my LG months back, we hit it off, and we struggled across some bumps. But we resolved the problems promptly, and we did it in a way that wasn't violent, yelling, or insulting each other. I saw she loved me and she devoted a lot to me and she earned my trust. I made a huge decision, a decision most people would shun and tell me it's a bad idea. I gave up all my pets, and all my belongings and I moved in with her a few months later. Those 2 months we had known each other felt like an eternity. It wasn't agonizing but we talked so so so much and it was 24/7 that, we shared most of our lives and thoughts and opinions with each other. So i moved in with her. After moving in, we encountered a problem, we both were holding in and bottling up some things that bothered us. They were small but a lot of small things can make one large thing, yes? Our metaphoric pots boiled over and we started to have some issues. We let it all out, all the things that bothered us and hurt us, we exchanged them. I went into my own room and I fell to the floor and cried so hard. .Harder than I ever cried before, to know there was something i did that hurt her and I didn't even know.. It killed me to know I hurt her that much for that long. I know she held it in, i know she didn't show any of it and no signs. But.. To know she went through so much killed me. She came in (she didn't have to) and she put her hand on my back as I am on all fours crying. She rubbed my back and said "We will get through this, We'll get through it. I will be ok daddy. We will get through everything, I want to be your wife one day, it is just a difficult time. I am not leaving you, i don't want to leave you." She kept reassuring me. I wanted to respond and reply.. But I was crying so hard I could barely even breath. She held me and I held her and we cried together. After that day, we promised never to keep anything in, to fix things the day they happened and not to let things fester overnight anymore. And any problem that came up, we did just that. Calm, no fighting, no name calling, no arguments. We talked about the issue and we resolved it, made a mental note, and then made it up to each other. Eventually after about a month of living together.. We no longer had problems. We didn't fight, argue, our DDLG relationship grew stronger and stronger. Oh yes, allow me to mention something i forgot. She has health issues and hadn't moved out so she was still living with her parents. Well her mom didn't like me and her mom had final say in everything. Her dad liked me and thought i was a good person, her grandparents loved me. It was only the mother. The mother began to throw jabs (verbal) and be passive aggressive with me, seeing I never caved, she ended up growing to hate me because I wouldn't boost her ego like everyone else would. the grandparents would say "This is really good cooking" and her response was always "I know, I am the best cook." She was arrogant and she was narcissistic. Well she ended up wanting me gone, because I refused to boost her ego. I said her food was good and I appreciated it, but it go to the point she wanted me to say it was the best. I said there could be better in this world, no one knows ect. And that kinda.. Probably set her over. She wanted me gone, and kicked me out. I didn't have bills in my name and wasn't there long enough to be a resident. So i had to go. I was promised by my LG and her mom that they would never kick me out with no where to go and the mother promised if she had a problem she would tell me to my face, she never did. I found out after she exploded on me that there was a lot she didn't like. She said I was acting like my LG's father and I am not her father. She also didn't know about the DDLG relationship so it caused a lot of rifts. I had to go though. We were PERFECT until I left. She cried the whole way, I cried the whole way, we drove from Missouri to Arizona (my dad and I) and I stopped to pick some things up for her I saw I thought she would like, ect. Well after being here for a day, my brother in law got kicked out of his halfway home because he was on parole from jail. and he had to stay here, so he slept in my room on the floor. I had no privacy, and my sister couldn't know about my DDLG relationship, lord knows what she would think about that and then my dad would find out and it would complicate things. At least let me come out on my own if I choose. Personally, it is my private life, my family doesn't need to know unless I want them to. So her and i couldn't talk much, or in private at all. And when he was sleeping i had to be quiet ect. So basically, it caused anxiety between us. She got snappy at me, I got snappy back, we both apologized ect. Well, the day before my brother in law left.. She decided to "take a break" She told me she loved and cared about me but she needed a break. The chats were happy, we said we loved each other, she loved me very much, I loved her more ect.. Lovey dovey.. I called her pet names like Doll and all that. And then she said all that. I have no idea where I went wrong but she promised me she would never take a break again.  She blocked me on everything, but I have alt accounts, I wanted to know what happened. I saw she blocked her friends list on facebook, changed her facebook name, on instagram her ex was on her list, she added some new guy and then a bunch of DDLG things, and it was just. I never felt so abandoned, betrayed and let down in my life. We were perfect in every way and then a sudden snap. 

 

THAT is my story, however the point to telling it was this. If she ever came back and wanted to be with me again. Could I take her back? If I did, could I ever trust her again. I thought about it a lot. I came to this conclusion. I love her, I always will. I don't hold a grudge against her for doing it. Maybe it was my fault, if I deserve to be left, so be it I take that responsibility. She should of at least of told me she was leaving me and not saying taking a break.. Should could of said she'll be back after cooling off ect like she did the first time she did that. Would the relationship go back to normal. Not immediately. It will be weird but people can always earn the trust back. If she came to my doorstep and said "You distracted me from my work, but I worked hard to make the money to come live with you" I would take her back and her trust would be earned. But I doubt that will happen (though she did say she regretted not leaving with me when I was on my way to Arizona).The thing is, it's up to you. Can you get over the issues? what do you need to do so? If he divorced his wife, could you trust him not to divorce you? If you dont' mind him being married, could you get over sharing him? For trust, would he have to prove it. If he left his wife, job, house, car, kids, ect whatever he may have for you.. And showed true devotion to you, would you trust him? Run in your mind every scenario, and determine if this guy could ever earn your trust back. For my ex she would have to prove a lot for me to trust her again. Once it's broken it's the hardest thing to repair. she would have to be willing to endure the lack of trust and be able to show proof she isn't doing things that are bad or lying or cheating behind my back ect.  With proof, comes repair. Once it's repaired, you no longer need the proof. If he isn't willing to give you proof, you will always worry and fear and you would be scared and it will eat away at you figuring out how many other littles he could be talking to, if he's sleeping with his wife, doing this or that, ect. It may eat away at you without proof. Or it may not. This is for you to determine, is it possible.. YES, you need to let it be though. If you can't let it be possible, then it is impossible.

 

That is my opinion, I hope it helps

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Thanks everyone. Guess, I just needed to hear what i already knew. Trust is extremely important in all relationships, but even more so in ddlg. I just can't imagine anyway to rebuild that trust. This was just too huge of an omit.
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personal experience, stay away from married/"separated" men. you're so right in breaking it off right away congrats ! but i'm sorry for the pain that shit head caused

 

just focus on yourself first, don't worry the right daddy will come to you soon enough

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This is why I have a hard and fast rule to never get involved with anyone in a binding situation. Marriage, relationship, complicated roommates, etc - until things are resolved, there is way too much chance for the potential for hurtful anything on my behalf. Especially marriage.

 

Most times when a person is married and they are connected in some way ("Dont worry, I will leave her" "Im just here for now, but that will change" "Yes we are married but there is no more love there" etc), that situation wont change. They keep saying it will - but divorce is SUCH a massive step that a majority will never do it. NOT saying it isn't possible, but I am saying it is unlikely, unfortunately :|

 

I'm sorry you had to deal with this, it is never good to be put in this situation. I hope everything works out for you. :heart:

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Guest littleloveslars
When I was with my ex, we lived together for about 9 months after breaking up. We were stuck in a lease, and had a baby together, and we were both working so much we never saw eachother. It was an extremely volatile situation that ultimately landed him in jail, so I was able to break the lease and move out, but it took a long time to get that independence. I wouldn't jump to conclusions. Only you know the situation, but I know mine was very complex. If you have ruled out that he isnt just cheating, and is working toward separating, then you have to decide if you trust him enough to keep going in a relationship. Good luck.
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Thank you, littleloveslars. We are messaging and setting up a time that we can speak now that I'm less emotional. I appreciate your sharing your experience.
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Guest Maccyx
There are many twists to all of this, and you have gotten some solid views and advice from several people, but in the end only you can make the final determinations. Your first mistake - getting involved with someone who has an ill defined relationship status. There is history there, and it may be enough history that in the end they decide to try and work through things, etc. You could very well be left holding the bag and your heart. Secondly, it's unclear to me how soon or timely it was that he made this revelation to you. It reads as if too much time may have passed, especially if you thought the two of you were exclusive and he had to inform you that it was not entirely true. In my opinion there is a couple of red flags here that are difficult to ignore, but again it is your decision to make. Just be prepared for disappointment.
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Guest bunnydragon

Trust is the foundation for almost all relationships.Without trust their is really nothing.It is possible for you to be friends especially if you both still care about eachother,But he needs to show that he understands what he did and make an effort to fix what he did first bye telling his wife and second bye being truthfull to you.Otherwhys its impossible to be friends and I would just cut him off

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Thank you everyone for your advice and input. Quick update, after all the emotions calmed down we began to talk as friends and although the situation is a little complicated, we are back together and moving forward.
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