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Need unbiased opinions...controlling parent


lifeasalittle
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I'm sorry but this will be long! So a little backstory first: I'm 18, which makes me a legal adult. I've always been close to my mom but not as much this past year. I came out to her as bi about a year ago and, since she doesn't believe bisexuality is valid, she never really accepted me coming out and reacted accordingly. And we haven't talked about it since. A few months later, I met my boyfriend (who is also an adult). We're in a LDR and I'm going to meet him in like 2 weeks. My mother is coming with me, which I understand. It's on the other side of the country and I don't know anyone there so it's just about safety. A couple days ago I casually brought up him staying over at our airbnb or me staying over at his place sometime. I asked her if she would be cool with that (since she's taking time off work and paying a lot of money for us to go, although I did buy the plane tickets). It was more out of respect than really asking her permission. She said she would not be okay with that. Honestly I didn't expect her to be as she's very conservative. But then she went on a rant about how she doesn't think I'm ready for this kind of relationship. I kind of just gave her a look...we already bought the tickets and she suddenly isn't supportive? So I asked her to explain and she said she doesn't think I'm ready for a sexual relationship. I told her I just wanted to cuddle and sleep and she just rolled her eyes and kind of slut-shamed me. I froze and stopped talking to her completely. I'm livid she tried to dictate my sex life when I'm an adult. And at the same time I'm hurt she doesn't trust me. I specifically told her she can wait to meet him before deciding if she's comfortable with it or not and she said she didn't have to, that she would just not be comfortable with it. So although I'm sure she doesn't trust him, it's more me that she doesn't trust. I have never done anything to make her not trust me. I never went to parties, I have only had 1 friend through all of high school, I did online schooling all by myself for the last 2 1/2 years of high school, I don't curse in front of her, I do stuff around the house and generally just do what she asks of me at the drop of a hat. Yet she treats me like a child. I'm not trying to say I'm all grown up and I know everything, but I am 18. I start college in a month and I'm probably moving out soon after (potential job w housing on site). This past Christmas my older sister (22) brought her boyfriend over for a week and my mom let them sleep in the same bed with no problems, they didn't even ask. But for some reason, I can't get the same respect from her. I'm only going to be with my boyfriend for 6 days and after that I have no idea when I'll see him next. I just want to sleep in his arms. 

So...am I being irrational? Does she have the moral right to not allow me to sleep over at his place? Give me your unbiased thoughts and opinions. What should I do? 

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I'm guessing you're her youngest? She probably still sees you as her little girl, and thats a normal thing for parents to do. It's had to accept that your children are becoming adults. I suggest you try to explain to her that you aren't a child anymore, but that it doesn't mean that she's going to lose you. She will always be your mom, and thats not going to change. Hopefully that will help.
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I'm 20 currently and my parents are just as protective, I would be too if I had a daughter, and if that daughter turned 18 and wanted to stay over at her LDR boyfriend's house for the first time I too would expect he would try to attempt to have sex with her, she is of age of course, but I wouldn't want her to just jump into something as intimate as sex until I feel like they're not just a fling relationship. I honestly think she just loves you and is scared you're going to get hurt, but everyone gets hurt at some point in any relationship, it's how we mature so I also think she shouldn't coddle you as much as my parents do.
My advise, let your boyfriend and your mother get to know each other, let them talk, it's gonna take a long time, but eventually she will trust him, I know you only have 6 days, but if you two are going to be forever then waiting to cuddle or have sex shouldn't phase you, patience is a huge step to maturity and if she sees you two being patient with each other she will probably treat you like an mature adult. Also keep in mind maturity and adulthood are two different things, you can be 20, 30 or 40 and still be immature.

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Guest Georgia-Daddy2
Uuum just kinda thinking out loud but night time isn't the only time to have sex if you wanted to do it that badly you could do it during the day buuuuut my opinion on it is yes you are an adult so yes you should be able to sleep anywhere you want
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I think the biggest issue here in her mind is, that this relationship has always been long distance.

 

I'm assuming this will be the first time you two are meeting in person. This is definitely a big step, and for mothers, a scary one at that. You read all kinds of horror stories about girls being groomed, seduced and then kidnapped or something worse happening to them. If you've been keeping up with the news, police blotters, and missing signs plastered all over the place, you'd know just how often these things do happen and are not just a cautionary tale. 

 

There are definitely a few precautions she as a mother should take, but she should not prevent you from being able to experience life, make your own decisions, mistakes, and pursue happiness. Yes, you are her baby girl, but you must also explain to her that you are in fact an adult. This is the biggest thing parents have a hard time letting go of. While you do still ask for permission out of respect, you don't have to. I would definitely recommend you have this talk with your mother, and in a respective manner, not in a rude way. 

 

Also, being 18 and all, you yourself should know if and when you are ready for sex. If it's something you've both spoken about properly, made it clear what expectations there are/are not, then you should be able to decide whether it's for you or not. While I agree that a parent's place in the topic isn't exactly best, because they can't know what's going on in your mind, I do think that you should acknowledge her points, while making your own. Have you also spoken with mom and boyfriend about birth control options, and/or what plans you might have should the options fail? This is another big thing parents can get worked up about. 

 

Make some rules and compromises together as mother and daughter, and boyfriend even!

To ease her mind, have your guy agree to some terms beforehand such as allowing mom to have his cell number in case she can't get a hold of you, a photo of his driver's license and license plate numbers.

This may seem extreme, but these are definitely things that could help a parent relax. 

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I am willing to compromise with her. Such as waiting to meet him to decide (for myself even) and him staying over with us and me keeping the door open. I wouldn't do anything with her on the other side of the wall anyway. I am currently on birth control and am having him get tested, so I am very safe. My mother never gave me "the talk" and always tried to push her belief on waiting until marriage on my sister and I. When I was 14 she told me that if I ever had sex before I turned 18 she would kick me out. And now that I am 18 and she can legally kick me out for whatever reason or none at all, I honestly wouldn't put it past her. I'm going to talk to her today and suggest we go to therapy too since there are obviously some major problems in our relationship. Thanks everyone
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