*waves* Hiya. I want to write about something that has been bothering me for a very long time. What I am writing is strictly my opinion and my observations from the forum and interacting with friends here. I am not saying I am right, but I am saying maybe this is something to think about. This is a fairly controversial topic and I do understand that what I am putting forth does not fit in every case. So I hope we can all keep an open mind with it. Thanks, guys.
The Term “Fake” Within Our community
“He is a fake Daddy.”
“Only fake littles do that.”
How do we define “fake” in regards to people? When do we have the right to call another person “fake” in regards to their exchange? To be simple - we really shouldn’t do it… at all. Just hear me out for a moment:
On this forum (and many other websites) the term “fake” is thrown around so candidly that it is losing it’s true meaning. Think back in highschool when you had all of those annoying people who would hop from a 3-day relationship to another 3-day relationship over and over again, yet claimed they loved each partner. That term, “love” really lost it’s meaning when that person said it. Same goes for this community and “fake.” But the issue with throwing “fake” around is that it starts to become offensive and damaging to someone’s reputation.
Why do we (as a community) label someone a “fake” in regards to this dynamic? In my opinion, it should go back to how it was originally used - or at least the way I saw it used years ago. Back in the day (heh) the term was only used for those CG/littles who were literally using the dynamic as a way to purposefully hurt their partner. In short - they were a predator searching for prey. And that went both ways, littles were predators to inexperienced or overly trusting CGs. But the point is that these people were literally (dictionary definition of literal) trying to harm the other person by taking advantage of them for sex, money, or just to hurt them. They did not have any relation to the dynamic other than the fact that this community trusts VERY easily and overall VERY quickly. They had no CG tendencies and they had no little tendencies - they just saw an opportune community to prey on.
So why are there suddenly so many “fake” members of this community now? Why do we see the term “fake” thrown around so much more now than ever before? I have a theory on this and it all relies on compatibility. There are, seemingly, certain reasons why people are labeled as fake, and my goal right now is to debunk these.
1. Personal Expectations - Compatibility
One of the main reasons I see people being accused of being a fake is because they don’t meet the expectations of their partner. Mainly, they don’t meet the relationship expectations of their partner. But this can be anything from CG/l to the most vanilla aspect of their lives. In this case, the partner is aggravated because the other cannot meet their personal checklist. Does he/she do A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, etc? Let’s say they do all except B and E. I have seen where a little has accused a Daddy of being fake over something so small, yet he was fulfilling her every need (her words). She accused him of being a fake because he wouldn’t buy her a stuffie whenever she wanted it. She wasn’t looking to use him for his money, but that is something she wanted, a new stuffie every week or every few days. And he put his foot down. This landed him the label “fake” because he wasn’t “taking care” of his little. “He wasn’t being fair.”
Now I am sure y’all are like, Bree… that is one case. But look, I only knew that he was treating her so well because I was her friend. To everyone else she told, he was a neglectful Daddy. And everyone believed her. Now he is left with this reputation because he didn’t meet this expectation she had for Daddies. This is more common than we would like to think. What about the partner who does not like facetiming (for legitimate) reasons but will call, text, email, visit (when possible), etc. Just because this person wont visibly call their partner, I have seen them called a “fake” because they were “hiding” something. This mindset is so damaging because it shows how unfair this label really can be.
If a person isn’t ticking every box on your Dream Daddy/Mommy or Dream Little check list, they are not “fake.” And claiming they are isn’t right in any sense of the word - they simply are not COMPATIBLE with you, it has nothing to do with being a “fake” CG or little. Not everyone is destined to be with everyone else. Not all preferences are the same. And just because a relationship fizzled out, that doesn’t make the ex a “fake.” It simply means they were not compatible. And there is NOTHING wrong with either partner because of it. It means they had different needs/wants and didn’t get that fulfilled from the other. No one is to blame and no one is fake.
2. Unrealistic Understanding - CG/l 24/7
Another issue that seems to cause this title to be thrown about is when a partner cannot partake in the dynamic as little/much as the other partner would like. This typically happens when one person is busy with this thing called Life and simply cannot be in the headspace of CG or little as much as they both would like to be. Whether it be due to stress, mental illness, physical illness, distance, work, children, or anything else - it seems when a partner isn’t getting enough CG/l activity from their partner, that partner is now a “fake.”
For example - I have seen MANY relationships break up because the Daddy was a “fake” due to him not being able to be on call 24/7. In these cases these Daddies were depressed, working, sleeping or sick, yet their little felt neglected and ended it. Once they were over, the littles then claimed their ex-Daddy wasn’t a real Daddy. This mindset really harms the community because it shows that people aren’t ready to realize that their partner has to balance not only the relationship, but their life as well.
Even lifestylers (of any dynamic) cannot be “in” 24/7 due to some reason - so to expect those who are more casually into the lifestyle, or new, or inexperienced is simply unfair and almost selfish. They aren’t a fake CG or little because they can’t be accessible or “in” at the drop of a dime. Life happens, and things become complicated or difficult - they way to work past that is communication, not being frustrated that you’re not getting your way right then. Don’t get me wrong - ghosting, catfishing, fading and such are all very real issues because of this being a forum on the internet. But those are cases I am not talking about - and if I were, doing these things don’t make that person a fake, because you truly don’t know the situation behind this happening. Maybe they had a literal personal emergency, maybe you were coming on too strongly and they didn’t know what else to do, maybe they were new and confused and scared, maybe they didn’t understand, maybe there wasn’t proper communication, etc. Even ghosters and faders shouldn’t earn the right of “fake” because we only know the one side of the story. All we know is they stopped communication.
But the situations I am talking about are the ones where the other person simply isn’t -enough- for their partner. This doesn’t make them a fake. This means, yet again, they are simply not compatible. Or they could be going through a hard time and a relationship isn’t a wise decision at the moment due to the responsibilities it entails. We need to realize that CG/l (ESPECIALLY Daddies) are real people, they have real life issues and are not machines to dole out affection and attention 24/7. And when they are not compatible in the time you need in a relationship - they aren’t fake, they simply are not the one for you. And, again, there is NOTHING wrong with that person (or you) because of it. It just means you two need someone else.
3. Cookie Cutter Standards
Let me preface with this - using the phrase “cookie cutter” doesn’t hold a negative connotation. I am simply using it for lack of a better phrase for the characteristics one has come to association with a CG or a little. These CGs and littles enjoy what we would expect them to due to what the internet has led us to believe is “typical.” And there is nothing wrong with that, or wrong not falling into this category.
This reason is a real issue from what I have seen in this community. And it happens more than we probably realize, and not just from opposite ends (littles calling CGs fake and vice versa). There is this inherent mindset that if a CG or a little doesn’t act as “expected” from their status, then they are fake. I will give you personal examples that have happened to me on this forum alone. I have been told I was a fake because:
I didn’t call him Daddy right away (from a CG)
I didn’t identify as a kitten (from a little)
I didn’t like pink (from littles)
I didn’t like glitter (from both)
I liked horror movies over MLP (from both)
I prefer blue (from boy littles)
I was also informed that only real littles would:
Follow their CGs without question (both)
Speak in little speech (from a CG)
Color every night (from littles)
Send their Daddy whatever they wanted - sext, pictures, erotica (from both)
Have sex with their Daddy whenever the Daddy wanted it (from both)
Love Daddy no matter what he did - even if it hurt me (from both)
Use pacis, sippies and stuffies (from littles)
Trust their Daddy and use a diaper (from CGs)
And so on. Do you see how all of these things are typical behavior of what the internet has decided is a “real” little? But all of these almost directly go against who I am. Does that make me a fake little? Hell. No. That means I am simply Me and I am a little. End of discussion - and the same goes for CGs. In this category we don’t really use the word “fake,” specifically. What we use is the phrase “well a real little would...” or “a real Daddy/Mommy would…” and this is just as bad. A reall CG and a real little does exactly whatever makes them happy, comfortable and who they are. There is no mold to fit, no build-a-little or build-a-CG to which statistics are required to be met. Every person is different, which means every little and every CG is different. That is how we are able to have Mommies and little boys - because a DADDY isn’t the only caregiver and GIRLS aren’t the only littles. These differences don’t mean we aren’t real - it means we are all unique individuals who like different things.
IF you need a little of CG who matches the cookie cutter form - so what?! Good for you! But that doesn’t mean those who don’t mean that checklist aren’t real. Just like if you need a little or CG who ISN’T like the cookie cutter form, that doesn’t make the others “stereotypes.” It means they simply like things that we would typically associate with that status. Again, no one is fake here. And we need to realize doing something (or not doing something) does not make you more real than any other little or CG. It just makes you, You.
As we can see, a lot of the issue is when two people are simply not compatible and the relationship ends. Someone’s needs are not being met and they feel their partner was not being true to their role. We need to change this mindset because we are harming the community we love so much. Imagine how a little feels when he/she is told that only fake littles can’t get into little space (I have been told this from many people from this forum). Something they want to do, desperately, now has become a weapon against them because they struggle with it. How is that helpful to our community members? How is the being supportive? It’s not. And neither is calling someone fake because they don’t live up to what you want or expected.
And the biggest problem with the whole “fake” thing is to the detriment of the CGs, particularly the Daddies. Daddies are accused of being fake more than any other status in our community (across all sites and social media). And there tends to be so much support when a little is upset with their ex and everyone agrees “He wasn’t a real Daddy anyways.” No matter what happens, it comes down to the ex not being a “real” Daddy. And most times, no one takes the time to even try to understand why the Daddy acted the way he did, but instead comfort the little and banish him. Yet when a Daddy claims a little wasn’t “real” (which is just as bad, but still) he is instantly scrutinized and seen as too harsh.
An immunity has developed for littles, as a whole, from blame in the relationships in a lot of ways. Am I saying no one understands littles can be just as bad? No - I am saying that in a majority of the cases, people tend to sympathize with littles over Daddies as an initial reaction. I suppose it is understandable because people tend to want to protect littles in general, but that doesn’t give them the right to slander their ex-partners just because it ended badly. And, still, this goes for any CG - they have no right to slander their ex-littles. But we need to realize this massive double standard because I have seen too many Daddies leave or become depressed because of the reputation they have unduly been given.
All in all we need to truly take a look at these accusations we, as a community, are allowing to be thrown around. We need to support one another and help each other because our community is already so misunderstood - we don’t need this turmoil coming from within. We need to take responsibility in our relationships that fail, in so much to admit that it simply was not a good match instead of lashing out and hurting others. We are all adults, we all have preferences and needs. And if we are going to try to act on those needs and expectations, then we need to be adult enough to understand when things don’t go our way. And it isn’t because someone is “fake” but it is because it just didn’t work out. And look, there are fake people out there and there are bad people out there - but not nearly as many as what has been accused.
At the end of the day, would you want someone claiming you are a fake CG or little just because you don’t like pink or don’t want to be super strict? No. So why do we allow others to accuse partners for the same, frivolous reasons? This needs to be a community wide effort (not just on the forum, but in person and with friends) to stop these slanderous accusations, but instead help each other understand why something happened the way it did.
In my opinion, if you cannot own up to the fact that you didn’t work with someone because the compatibility wasn’t there or because you/they couldn’t handle the type of relationship you all were in, then you’re not ready to have a relationship of this magnitude.
CG/l is such an intense dynamic, we need more understanding and less hostility. This is a dynamic of love and affection, let’s help keep it that way.
[This has not been proofread - my apologies for any errors]
Edited by LittleBree, 21 July 2017 - 09:48 PM.