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Little needing advice!


PrincessVanellope
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This is long, I apologize!

Daddy and I have been together for 13 years. We're usually very happy together and enjoy one another's company. Except for when something bad happens (like right now).

He was laid off a few months ago. Since he can collect ui until he finds another job, I LOVE it when Daddy is home with me all the time. Daddy seems to like it too, but whenever something like this happens, he starts sending messages to other women, suggestive ones. Recently I saw one where he was trying to hook up with someone.

I'm not snooping in his phone when I see these, he lets me use it, and I open it to the message. I confront him and he (tries) to blame me, then admits, he likes being in control of something, likes being able to make these women interested.

It's especially hurtful now, because we just had our second baby, and I haven't been cleared by a Dr yet to be with him intimately. This isn't the first time he's done it, so it won't be his last. He says he hasn't strayed. I want to believe him because he rarely leaves the house without me (unless he's going to work).

I just don't know what to do to either make this better,or get him to stop.

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He's disrespecting you. Plain and simple. Don't let him blame you - he's the one being unfaithful, not you. You can't change him, I'm afraid. He has to change himself and by the way you described him I don't particularly see that happening. 

 

My boyfriend and I don't 'snoop' through each others phones, but we can switch phones all day and go through each other's phones - but we don't. We don't need to because we both have trust in each other, we know that we're faithful to one another. The fact that you did open and read the messages suggests to me that you don't trust him, and I don't blame you - I'm just saying it's not a good way to keep a stable relationship and it won't set up a good environment to raise children. The fact that you know it won't be his last time doing this speaks volumes - is this really how you want to be treated?

 

Ask him how he would feel if you did the same thing. I'm sure he wouldn't like it. If he wants other things... Other people, he should at least be honest about it. You need to sit down and have an adult conversation about it with him, about whether he's going to be faithful to you or is he going to chase other girls. And regardless of which one he chooses you should also make sure that your children don't get caught in the middle of this.

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Guest Mittens

I have to agree with what Antoinette said for the most part. I mean in a general sense it all is true, but that doesn't mean it's true for you. You may not of snooped because of lack of trust, maybe just interest. I mean I go through my dads stuff my whole life, not because of lack of trust but I was curious. Leave me in a house alone I might snoop and check things out, because I'm curious. But this truly doesn't seem like the case since it's happened before and you know it's going to happen again. you might start to get a bit more untrusting. However, you know he is there with you the whole time so he isn't going out and messing around.  I would say talk with him. If he's trying to hook up with other girls, then he will leave you eventually anyways if he successfully finds what he wants, so you have nothing to lose. Ask him why, ask him if it's something you did, glean all the information out of him. Every question you have, and have him be 100% honest with you.

 

13 years is a really long time, you have an attachment to him and don't want to let him go. You know how he was, and if he hasn't always been like this, then something happened to cause it. Be an issue with you or an issue with him, something changed. I assume you want to know and find that change, well you can't without more data. So talking is best. Make things clear to him. 1. You and he will be 100% honest. 2. Neither of you are innocent. You may of been doing something that hurt him and he just never told you, ect. We already know he hurts you, but you could of hurt him and not even know it. 3. Be understanding and respectful. There is no reason to degrade yourself to his level or try to get revenge. Revenge only causes more blood to be spilled metaphorically and sometimes physically.  Instead, be understanding. Tell him something along these lines. "What did I do to hurt you? What did I do to cause this, I want to fix it. This is painful to me, I am sorry, I really want to try. What can I do to make it better." Any of those, or all of them. His saying it's your fault he is doing it, that is 100% shame and guilt. That tells me he did something in the past he feels ashamed for and is punishing himself through self abuse. I know I have felt this way before myself in the past, I have considerably changed and know to take responsibility for my actions and feelings but I don't do this anymore. I also NEVER sought other women ever. Mine self abuse was more on the porn side and being more apathetic towards my partner. To be fair she was mentally and physically abusive for years, so it was her fault, however it wasn't an excuse for me to do what I did.

 

So sit and have a talk with him, see what's wrong, show understanding and care. He may be a jerk now, but it doesn't mean he's been a jerk all 13 years. If so, then you kinda knew what you were getting into and there isn't much helping it. XD But with what you said it doesn't seem to be the case. If this doesn't help, then let me know, I'll brainstorm some new ideas and methods for you!

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Thank you both! I genuinely wasn't snooping...just lost my phone and needed to use his to call mine. It is true that I really don't trust him 100% as I used to. I've talked to him about doing this in the past (when one of the women actually contacted me and told me) and he starts out saying it's because I'm not all that affectionate, and I apologize and say that I will make more of an effort, but i also told him not to blame me. Me not being as affectionate as he'd like isn't an excuse. That's when he admits that he feels like he can't control anything (being laid off, having a hard time finding a job, bills getting high) but he can control how the women feel about him and he likes making them feel whatever way. I do know that yes, in the past i have hurt him (after the birth of my oldest child i had severe post partum depression and i admit i was not myself at all, i was a monster. I never cheated and never sought another mans attention, i was just a royal bitch for lack of a better term. I got help and have never been like that again)I told him last night that I think he needs to go talk to someone. I'll even go with him if he wants me to. But the enjoyment he gets from it isn't good and how he feels personally isn't an excuse to do it either.
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This isn't just about ddlg anymore, I think that's not really important. Both of you should start talking about your kids instead of fighting about bdsm stuff.

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We're not fighting over anything, bdsm or not...just having an honest discussion about why he's doing what he is, knowing it hurts my feelings. It doesn't cause an argument.
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