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A bit confused and need some advice about "father figures" (not necessarily ddlg)

Carrot Cake

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I recently have been private messaging with a man on another forum. In the beginning he offered to be a father figure to me because we'd talked about my problematic relationship with my biological father.. But I freaked out since I've never had a real father and as such did not know how to talk to him. He's been really respectful of that and proposed that we just talk as friends, which has been working out.


Here's the problem: he still has been sending me messages every day, and signs them, "sleep tight :)" And this week he offered to support me emotionally about some things. We're both bad at attachments and stuff, so I asked him to specify what he meant by supporting me. He said he'd do anything he could manage to help me if I asked, without judging or punishing me (I have a fear of punishment). I haven't requested him to explain what he meant by the second statement, but commented that it was brave or kind of him to offer his support since it meant he was opening himself to a can of worms from me. He replied that since he liked me and we get along, he naturally wants to support me, and it has nothing to do with extraordinary kindness or bravery.


I absolutely know this is a platonic relationship--he's married and committed to his wife. We've barely talked about sex. My question is, is it okay to think of him as a father figure like we'd initially planned? (outside the ddlg dynamic, of course). Or is my involvement in ddlg and need for affection making me see things unclearly? Am I confusing normal friendship, kindness, etc with someone being a father figure?


It's really the "sleep tight" sign offs that confuse me. That implies he wants to take care of me. I do feel free to ask him about this since he's so open to talking about everything, so that's super healthy, but I guess I'm coming to the friendship with confusion about boundaries, and what constitutes a close friendship and a father figure.


This is so delicate. I'm also open to discussing if there's a difference between a father figure and a daddy in the ddlg lifestyle. I know I'm monumentally fucked up, and maybe that's influencing my sexual/relationship desires. I know that this is a really delicate thing to talk about, and a lot of people in ddlg don't have father issues like me. But I'm open to any thoughts you all might have.


Thanks for reading.

Edited by Carrot Cake
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Guest fymagain

A lot of guys will take  a little any way they can get them, whether its as a mentor, father figure, or DD.  If you just want to continue as a father figure relationship, make it happen and have fun.s

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He doesn't know I'm into ddlg and I don't really want to involve him in that. I'm wondering if I'm getting confused with him because of my involvement in ddlg. 


He hasn't stated any interest in ddlg. His interest in being a father figure stems from his own problematic childhood. Putting sex aside, I'm wondering if there's any difference between how a Daddy in the ddlg lifestyle might try to act, versus how a father figure would try to act outside the ddlg dynamic, only because I don't know if it's appropriate to think of him as a father figure since we scrapped that approach.


This is entirely platonic between us and I have no intention of making it romantic or sexual. I just am afraid of getting too close, or thinking he's my father figure when he isn't.


Who knows, we're probably just distant friends and I'm making too much of this. I probably shouldn't have made this thread....

Edited by Carrot Cake
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So I'm pretty sure this thread is a manifestation of your insecurities. You're worried that you're precieving this person as a father figure when he really isn't and this is a bit confusing to you. If I precieve someone as a friend than the person is my friend even if they don't feel like it. Likewise if I precieve someone as my enemy than they are my enemy even if they don't want to be. Our realities are a product of our logical perception and emotional connection.

Bottom line is if you feel this person as your father figure than that's who they are to you, there's no other alternative, there is no situation more real than the one you made up.

Secondly, there are many different Daddies in the ddlg community. Daddy is just a label, who we are is a result of our personalities applied to our roles within the dynamic. Some Daddies are father figures, some aren't.


So all in all, don't overthink it, if it's working out for you both then roll with it. Although be careful not to become romantically/sexually involved like you planned originally since that might get complicated.

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